Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Seattle vs. New England (-1)
The Seahawks overcame a 15-point, fourth quarter deficit to Green Bay, using a recovered onside kick to take the lead before winning in overtime 28-22 at CenturyLink Field. Seattle won the OT coin toss and won on Russell Wilson's 35-yard touchdown pass to Jermaine Kearse.
"Call it the 'Comeback of the Century,'" Wilson said. "As for the Packers, they went from Super Bowl to 'Super Blow.' I think Mike McCarthy realizes now how tough it is the win in Seattle. After all, this is definitely Seahawks territory, and apparently, not 'four down territory.'
"A lot of people doubted us when we were down to the Packers. But not our fans. In fact, they share the same rallying cry as diehard Patriots fans: 'We believe!' But let's be serious. The Pats and Seahawks are probably two of the most despised teams in the NFL. But forced to choose a favorite, I think most fans would pick New England, because they are the 'less air' of two evils.
"Just like us, the Patriots have a shutdown corner in Darrelle Revis. Sure, maybe it's wise to avoid Revis, but we certainly won't avoid Brandon Browner. If Revis has 'Revis Island,' then Bolden has 'Treasure Island,' and his pirate flag flies yellow. If Browner were an investment firm, it would be called 'Brandon Browner Holdings."
The Patriots whipped the visiting Colts 45-7 to reach their seventh Super Bowl, and Tom Brady's sixth. Brady passed for 3 scores, while LeGarrette Blount rushed for 148 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"If Patriots fans were worried about the Colts," Brady said, "LeGarrette's 30 carries said 'hold it' and his three scores said 'you can all exhale.' He was clicking on all cylinders, and a cylinder just happens to be the shape of a bong. Blount had some great runs against the Colts, but let's be serious — his best 'play' of the year was walking off the field at Pittsburgh. If you think that was orchestrated by Bill Belichick, you obviously have an inflated sense of the lengths Belichick will go for a competitive edge.
"Ray Lewis had the nerve to say without the 'Tuck Rule,' I wouldn't be the quarterback I am today. He's got a point, but as much as I'd like to forget how we won that game, it's practically impossible to destroy that much evidence.
"And speaking of evidence, now we're being accused of deflating footballs to our advantage. I like my balls a little under-inflated; it gives me better grip. Now, all other questions about my 'main squeeze' better be about my wife. They're calling it "Deflate Gate." It's not "Spy Gate," but it could easily be called "PSI Gate." On that note, deflated balls or not, we plan to pound every square inch of the Seahawks.
"On the bright side, Patriots merchandise sales are through the roof, especially our 'lye' soap line.
"A win against the Seahawks and the Patriots legacy as one of, if not the best, teams in NFL history will be cemented. I would say this franchise could be called 'fabled,' but in light of recent events, I'd rather it not be."
The captains of both teams meet at midfield for the coin toss. Referee Bill Vinovich asks Marshawn Lynch to call it. Lynch refuses, but politely replies, "Thanks for asking." Vinovich turns to Brady with the same question. Brady eschews "heads" or "tails," and instead calls a press conference to respond. After ten minutes of talking and no straight answer, Julian Edelman finally answers "tails" for the Pats, who win the toss and elect to receive.
Upon starting at their own 20, the Pats challenge Sherman immediately, with a Blount sweep to the right side. Sherman makes the tackle for a loss, and pops up pointing to his left elbow, which is protected by an elbow pad approved by the "American Dream" himself, Dusty Rhodes. Brady confronts Sherman, and the two exchange heated words and have to be separated, but not before drawing offsetting unsportsmanlike penalty flags. NBC's Al Michael quips that the two young men may need some schooling on anger management, and seconds later, "University of Mad Bros" apparel hits the Internet.
NBC breaks for commercials, and the first ad to air after kickoff is State Farm's new ad, featuring Aaron Rodgers, Hans, Franz, 12 New England footballs, and the catchphrase, "We're here to pump you up."
After an exchange of punts, the Pats strike first, after a seven minute drive culminates in a 21-yard Brady pass to Rob Gronkowski in the corner of the end zone. Pete Carroll challenges, alleging that Gronk did not get both feet inbounds. After review, the TD is upheld, but replay officials notice something fishy about Gronkowski's celebratory spike — the ball doesn't bounce. Officials confiscate the ball, which is sent to NFL headquarters in New York City for storage in the Patriots evidence locker, which was recently awarded its own zip code.
The Seahawks strike back when Wilson connects with Lynch on a short completion that Lynch turns into a touchdown after nimbly working his way through the New England defense, leaving the Pats, once again, grasping for air. Lynch poses in the end zone, where he is showered with Skittles, as well as Lionel Messi's unwanted "Golden Boot" award from the 2014 World Cup.
After a second quarter of give and take, the Seahawks take a 13-10 lead at the halftime break.
Katy Perry hits the field for halftime dressed in a provocative low-cut top, which has many picturing Super Bowl "DD," censors scurrying to prevent a double wardrobe malfunction, and Pepsi worried about 'cans.'. The "Human Juggs Machine" starts the show with a nod to Jerry Jones and Lawrence Taylor with her 2010 hit "Teenage Dream."
Perry then pays tribute to Seattle's quarterback with "I Kissed a Swirl," then simulates marking a male dancer with a hot iron with the letters "RW," and jokingly calls it a "Russell Brand."
Perry then honors all the coaches recently terminated with her 2010 hit, "Firework."
Perry then dedicates her next song to Mike McCarthy and the Green Bay Packers with "The One That Got Away."
Not one to shy away from the Patriots "Deflate Gate" controversy, Perry then performs a medley of Air Supply songs. Perry then pays tribute to the Seahawks with a modified cover of Charlie XCX's hit called "(Legion of) Boom! Clap!"
Perry then welcomes Lenny Kravitz to the stage, and joins him for "American Woman." As the song concludes, Kravitz rips Perry's top off, revealing twins, the Olson twins, in fact, Mary Kate and Ashley, who unveil their new cosmetics line, "Put This On Your Face and Pay Us."
The Seahawks take the second half kickoff and give the Pats a steady dose of Lynch. Lynch carries the ball six straight times for 35 yards. With the Pats stacking the line of scrimmage, Wilson hits tight end Luke Willson on a play action pass for a 12-yard score. Seattle takes a 20-10 lead.
The Patriots close to 20-17 as Edelman scores on a double-reverse from six yards in the third quarter. Seattle adds a Steven Hauschka field goal late in the fourth quarter, and the Seahawks lead 23-17 with under two minutes to go.
The stage is set for a Brady-led drive, with a touchdown giving him his fourth Super Bowl championship. The Patriots methodically work the ball to the Seattle 35-yard line with less than 20 seconds left. One Hail Mary pass sails out of the end zone on third down, leaving the Pats with one final chance. Brady tosses a rainbow, and the ball somehow finds its way into the hands of Danny Amendola in the end zone. It's a touchdown! Or is it? Officials wave off the play, as the whistle blew just before the snap when Pete Carroll signaled for a time out. It's "Epic Fail Mary!"
The Patriots subsequent fourth down pass is batted out of bounds by Kam Cameron.
Seattle wins, 23-17.
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