Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Green Bay @ Seattle (-7½)
The Seahawks stormed past the Panthers 31-17 in the divisional round, led by Russell Wilson, who passed for 268 yards and 3 touchdowns. Seattle will host the Packers in the NFC Championship.
"Russell is a big-time player," Pete Carroll said. "That should be apparent by now. Russell doesn't always get the credit he deserves, especially when it comes to street credit. Some people say he's not 'black' enough. Forget that. If you're talking about Russell's leadership and athletic ability, 'color' me impressed. Russell has a nose for the goal line. Heck, we should call him 'Ghet-to the End Zone.'
"It will be a turf war against the Packers. I'm not saying there are gang affiliations, but if there were, we'd be the 'Bloods,' and the Packers would have to be the 'Crips.' Aaron Rodgers specifically. Rodgers' calf is the most talked about farm animal in Green Bay since Brett Favre's 'hog.'"
The Packers advanced with a thrilling 26-21 win over the Cowboys, helped by an overturned call on a play originally ruled a Dez Bryant reception late in the fourth quarter.
"This isn't the first time we've seen this," Aaron Rodgers said. "No, I'm not talking about Calvin Johnson. I'm talking about a No. 88 for the Cowboys charged with 'possession.' I think Michael Irvin's was also 'dropped.' Dez didn't complete the process, as they say. But, if a Cowboy gets taken to the police station, the cops will 'complete the processing.'
"In any case, we're going to the NFC Championship Game. This is the first time in three years that San Francisco won't be in the NFC title game. But former Giants great Barry Bonds has been kind enough to appropriately lend us a well-deserved asterisk.
"This was my 'Willis Reed' moment. My injured calf left me nearly immobile, but I toughed it out like a champion. I may be a quarterback, but that doesn't mean I can't be credited with having a 'huge sack.' My balls are enormous. I call them 'Hanz and Franz.' Now, I'm not sure if my calf will hold up against the Seahawks. It's the 'Region of Gloom' against the 'Legion of Boom.'"
Do the Packers have a chance with Rodgers' mobility limited against arguably the NFL's most aggressive defense? The Seahawks will commit no more than four rushers to pressure Rodgers with the knowledge that he won't, or can't, run. That leaves seven defenders in coverage. One of those seven is Richard Sherman, whom Rodgers has vowed not to avoid. One of two things will happen: Rodgers will be shut down, or Sherman will be shut up.
After a relatively quiet first half, Marshawn Lynch busts a 58-yard touchdown run early in the fourth quarter, sealing the Seattle victory. The CenturyLink Stadium crowd goes berserk, and another "Beastquake" is born. Lynch later hooks up with Liam Neeson, and the two star in a short film, "Quake'n 3." Lynch is mostly silent in the clip, but does have some memorable lines, one about a "particular set of Bills," his old teammates in Buffalo, and a "particularly set of pills," a large bag of Skittles.
Seattle wins, 29-18.
Indianapolis @ New England (-7)
The Patriots vanquished the Ravens, 35-31, overcoming two 14-point deficits to reach their fourth consecutive AFC Championship Game. New England passed for 418 yards, while rushing for only 14 yards.
"You can't run on the Ravens," Tom Brady said. "You can run from them, once you catch a pass. The Ravens' defensive backs were making sure they didn't get beat deep. In other words, they were 'cheating.'
"The Ravens are understandably upset, mostly because they went down like a doomed elevator. Or that the NFL's 'best' quarterback lost. John Harbaugh is claiming we skirted the rules with some substitutions we made. That's a baseless accusation. The Patriots reputation where rules are concerned is spotless. The last time Bill Belichick 'pulled a fast one,' it was benching Randy Moss back in 2009. Now, if you're looking for the best team from Saturday, there's no substitution.
"We are certainly up to the challenge Luck brings to the game. He's quite an athlete. You have to be to buckle a chin strap over that beard. If that's Luck's playoff beard, I would be doing him a disservice by not beating the Colts, so he can clean that up. Trust me, I'm married to a Brazilian supermodel — I know the importance of a clean shave."
The Patriots will face the Colts, who upset the favored Broncos and Peyton Manning 24-13 in Denver. Andrew Luck reached his first AFC Championship Game, handing Manning his second home divisional round loss in three years.
"Okay," Luck said, "so maybe Manning wasn't himself. Or was he? This is the playoffs, after all. I'm the latest opponent to play 'Pin the 'L' on the Broncos.' Apparently, Manning had been playing with a torn quad muscle. This may seem like a dumb question, but is the quad in the arm? No? Well, quad or no quad, I'm still the 'best man on campus' as far as the Denver area is concerned.
"We don't mind being in the role of underdog. In fact, we relish it. We're seven-point underdogs, but unlike John Harbaugh, you won't hear us complaining about an 'unbalanced line.'
"I like our chances against the Patriots. Our coaching staff has a great game plan. Bill Belichick was out-coached for 55 of 60 minutes against the Ravens. That's five fewer minutes than John Fox was out-coached every game."
The play of tight ends will be crucial on Sunday at Gillette Stadium. While both Dwayne Allen and Coby Fleener can make an impact, Rob Gronkowski is twice as good as both of them. Indianapolis will suffer the same fate the Cowboys did in Green Bay — they'll get "Robbed."
Can Luck do the impossible and complete the "Andy Dalton/Peyton Manning/Tom Brady" gauntlet? He's two-thirds of the way there, and, as Meatloaf once said, "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad." But what does Meatloaf know? And, for that matter, what does "Pot Roast" know? Terrence "Pot Roast" Knighten guaranteed a Denver Super Bowl win. The Pats will find weaknesses in the Indy defense, choose one, and exploit it.
Gronkowski hauls in 9 passes for 135 yards and 2 scores, carrying the Pats to a 34-24 win and a spot on the cover of the Boston Globe under the headline "Tote 'em, Pole."
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