Note:the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville (-3)
The Jaguars lost 20-12 at Baltimore in a game dominated by the defenses. Blake Bortles was sacked 8 times by an aggressive Ravens defense, and the Jags never reached the end zone.
"Blake knows his offensive line is trying its hardest," Gus Bradley said. "You know, some quarterbacks buy their offensive linemen gifts. Blake did that, and was probably overly generous in doing so. He went so over budget, his pocket collapsed.
"It's not often the Jaguars play on national television, but Thursday night at EverBank Field is our chance to show the country what we're all about. And nothing says 'watch' like a pair of 2-12 teams."
The Titans lost to the visiting Jets 16-11 last week. It was Tennessee's eighth straight loss and dropped them to 2-12 on the season.
"Jake Locker was hurt, again," Ken Whisenhunt said. "This time, it's his left shoulder. It's his non-throwing shoulder. Here's the freaky part — he's got two of them.
"Charlie Whitehurst will start. Not that I really want him to, but with all the injuries at the quarterback position, I have no other choice. And, at this point, I really don't care, so I just said 'Chuck it.'"
Jacksonville wins, 19-9.
Philadelphia @ Washington (+8)
The Redskins lost to the visiting Giants, 24-13, last week at FedEx Field, sending the 'Skins to their 11th loss of the year. Colt McCoy re-injured his neck early in the game, and Robert Griffin III took over.
"That's six straight loses," Jay Gruden said, "and with the Eagles and Cowboys coming up, I don't think it will get better. If you could use the name of a certain Redskins Hall of Fame offensive lineman to describe our outlook, it would be 'Grimm.' Russ Grimm was a 'Hog;' RG3 is a 'goat.' And yes, I have read George Orwell's 'Animal Farm; and yes, I realize I'm 'Napoleon.' And yes, Daniel Snyder wants this 'pig skinned.'
"You've probably heard about the U.S. Senate report. And what they found was no surprise — watching the Redskins is torture. Talk about 'capitol punishment.'"
The Cowboys avenged their Thanksgiving blowout loss to the Eagles with a convincing 38-27 win at Philadelphia last Sunday night. Tony Romo threw 3 touchdown passes to Dez Bryant, all on cornerback Bradley Fletcher.
"Maybe our defensive game plan was lacking," Chip Kelly said. "I know it wasn't November 27th, but the 'Boys were saying 'Thanks, for giving Bryant man-to-man coverage.' Fletcher could possibly end up on the bench, or on waivers, or even in the hospital, in the 'burn' unit.
"But we're headed to the nation's capitol with a convincing win in mind. And the presence of Mark Sanchez means we'll do that with our running attack. In this season of protest, a 'march on Washington' seems entirely appropriate."
LeSean McCoy rushes for 102 yards and 2 scores and the Eagles win, 26-23.
San Diego @ San Francisco (-2½)
The 49ers were officially eliminated from the playoff race with a 17-7 loss to Seattle last week. In two losses to the Seahawks this year, San Francisco managed just 10 points.
"It's tough to see our playoff hopes dashed," Colin Kaepernick said. "If you don't mind, I'd like to take the podium in the media room for a moment of silence, in honor of our season."
The Chargers lost 22-10 at home to the Broncos, falling to 8-6 and seeing their wildcard hopes flicker. Philip Rivers struggled, with only one TD pass against 2 interceptions.
"We've lost to Tom Brady and Peyton Manning in consecutive weeks," Rivers said. "I guess I can't run with the big dogs, unless you consider the litter of children I've fathered. Then I'm top dog."
Chargers win, 24-21.
Minnesota @ Miami (-7)
Minnesota lost a 16-14 at Detroit, losing their upset bid when Blair Walsh's desperation 68-yard field goal attempt came up short. The Vikes are now 6-8 and face the 7-7 Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium.
"Unlike a certain charter on Lake Minnetonka," Teddy Bridgewater said, "the kick didn't have enough 'leg.'
"Adrian Peterson's ban was upheld, meaning he's suspended until at least April. But the player's union is suing the NFL on behalf of Adrian. He's reluctant to get the courts involved — I think he's had enough dealings with 'case workers.'"
The Dolphins were hammered at New England 41-13, as the Patriots turned a close game at halftime into a blowout. Miami fell to 7-7 and is likely out of the running for a wildcard berth.
"Obviously," Joe Philbin said, "Bill Belichick and his coaching staff made the right adjustments at halftime. We didn't. For that reason, our talents will be staying in South Beach come January.
"This team is headed in the right direction. I see a trip to the playoffs in their future. And I see a trip to the general manager's office in mine."
Miami wins, 27-17.
Baltimore @ Houston (+4)
The Texans lost 17-10 to the Colts as Indy clinched the AFC South. Ryan Fitzpatrick was lost for the year with a broken leg, and Case Keenum will start for the Texans against the Ravens.
"Ryan got hurt running the ball," Bill O'Brien said. "And that's the closest to a 'quarterback keeper' this franchise has seen in Houston.
"As long as J.J. Watt is in the lineup, we have a chance to win. If Terrell Suggs is 'T-Sizzle,' does that make Watt 'J-Wizzle?' Sounds a little goofy, but it does rhyme with 'M-V-Pizzle.'"
The Ravens held off the visiting Jaguars 20-12 last week to improve to 9-5 and remain in the picture for a playoff spot. Baltimore sacked Blake Bortles 8 times.
"Bortles has a great arm," Terrell Suggs said, "but he's a rookie. You could say he's a little 'green,' so in true holiday spirit, we lit him up like a Christmas tree."
Baltimore wins, 23-16.
Detroit @ Chicago (+7)
The Lions nipped the Vikings 16-14 last week, wiping out a 14-0 second quarter deficit to take their third consecutive win. Matt Prater's 33-yard field goal with 3:38 remaining was the game winner.
"It looks like the NFC North crown could come down to Week 17 at Lambeau Field," Jim Caldwell said. "Everybody's 'buzzing' about that game, especially Prater. But we can't look past the Bears. If you turn your back on the Bears for one second, someone might speak their mind.
"No one fears playing in Chicago anymore. I think most of that has to do with Jay Cutler. He's 'sucked' the 'wind' out of the 'Windy City.' That makes it the '-Y City.' Confusing? Well, you can't mention 'Jay Cutler' and 'Chicago' without asking 'Y?'"
The Bears' forgettable season continued with a 28-0 loss to the Saints at Soldier Field last Monday night. Cutler threw 3 interceptions, and now leads the NFL with 18.
"That's one more than Blake Bortles," Cutler said. "If you would have asked players before the season who would lead that category, I'm guessing most defensive backs would have 'picked' me. Well, they did, and they have.
"I've put the Aaron Kromer situation behind me. In fact, I've put Kromer himself 'behind' me. That way, I can be sure I can get his true feelings."
Detroit wins, 31-17.
Cleveland @ Carolina (even)
Derek Anderson, in for the injured Cam Newton, led the Panthers to a crucial 19-17 win over the Buccaneers. Anderson passed for 277 yards and a touchdown.
"And most importantly," Anderson said, "no 'turnovers.' Is anyone surprised? I'm a former All-Pro quarterback. Did anyone think I was just going to roll over?
"I'm just here until Cam is able to return. I don't fancy myself a starter. I'm basically an NFL journeyman. I'm a poor man's Don Strock. The only time I've been 'upside down' in a car is on a loan."
In his first start for the Browns, Johnny Manziel struggled mightily, with only 80 yards passing and 2 interceptions, as the Bengals smashed Cleveland 30-0.
"There were thousands of No. 2 jerseys in FirstEnergy Stadium," Mike Pettine said. "Apparently, it was 'Tim Couch Day' in Cleveland.
"Manziel called the game his worst as a football player. Just think, this all could have been avoided if Johnny would have just had a Snickers bar. For Johnny, there's definitely 'room' for improvement. And in that room is a bench."
Cleveland wins, 23-20.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (-6½)
The Falcons dug themselves a 13-0 hole against the visiting Steelers at the Georgia Dome and never recovered in a 27-20 loss. Now 5-9, Atlanta can still win the NFC South if they win their final two games.
"We control our own destiny," Mike Smith said. "In the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, that destiny will have to be 'remote-controlled.'
"We've got Julio Jones back for the Saints game. His hip pointer is feeling better. To that I say, 'Hip Hip Ju' Ray!' A Marine who's a Falcons fan might say, 'Hip Hip Ju' Rah!' Al Pacino might say 'Hip Hip Ju' Hah!'"
The Saints won handily at Soldier Field, bashing the Bears 31-15 last week, and at 6-8, lead the 5-8-1 Panthers by a half-game in the NFC South. Drew Brees passed for 375 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"Finally," Brees said, "a good day for a quarterback in Chicago. I'm surprised I got out of Soldier Field with my head intact. If there ever was a place where you'd expect to see a bounty on a quarterback, Chicago just passed New Orleans as the most likely.
"We can clinch the NFC South with a win and a Carolina loss. So we're pulling for the Browns against the Panthers. I like their chances. Cleveland's beaten all three NFC South teams they've played this year. Not that they're bragging."
Saints win, 37-34.
Green Bay @ Tampa Bay (+10½)
Aaron Rodgers suffered through his worst day of the season in a 21-13 loss at Buffalo last week. Rodgers passed for only 185 yards and threw 2 interceptions as the Packers fell to 10-4.
"I looked at my stat sheet after that game," Rodgers said, "and I told it I need to 'pump you up.'
"If I never go to Buffalo again, I'll be happy. I was intercepted twice by a guy named 'Rambo.' He's a free safety, which is also commonly referred to as a 'drifter.' We had sole possession of first in the NFC North, but after Rambo's big day, we are '(St)allone' no more."
The Bucs swallowed a tough 19-17 defeat to the Panthers in Charlotte last week. Tampa is 2-12, tied with the Titans, Jaguars, and Raiders for the worst record in the league.
"We've got our eyes on the No. 1 pick in April's NFL Draft," Lovie Smith said. "Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston will be the top quarterbacks available. I think we're leaning towards Winston. No disrespect to Mariota, but I can easily see Winston thriving on a team whose mascot is known for raping and pillaging.
"However, I don't see Winston making an immediate impact. Don't get me wrong. He's plenty talented, but I think it would be hard for Jameis to make an immediate impact when he's suspended for eight games by Roger Goodell to start the season."
Packers win, 34-17.
Kansas City @ Pittsburgh (-3)
The Steelers barreled into Atlanta and left with a convincing 27-20 win over the Falcons. Le'Veon Bell rushed for 2 touchdowns, and William Gay returned a Matt Ryan pick for a touchdown.
"Our biggest advantage over the Chiefs is our downfield passing game," Ben Roethlisberger said. "I've thrown 21 touchdowns to wide receivers this season. Can Alex Smith say that? Heck, can Alex Smith even comprehend that?"
The Chiefs' dominated the Raiders in a 31-13 win at Arrowhead Stadium last week. Alex Smith tossed two scores, one to Travis Kelce and one to Knile Davis.
"Still none to a wide receiver," Smith said. "Apparently, I'm nearsighted.
"Our passing game may be 'pedestrian;' our running game is 'pedestrian,' because we're going to 'walk' all over the Steelers defense with it."
Early in the game, the Chiefs' Dwayne Bowe is flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct when he verbally accosts cornerback Cortez Allen at the end of a deep route in the second quarter. Bowe is ejected, but on the bright side, it's the first "downfield threat" from the Chiefs all year.
Kansas City wins, 24-21.
New England @ NY Jets (+10½)
The Patriots avenged a Week 1 loss to the Dolphins, whipping the Dolphins 41-13 in Foxboro. New England clinched the AFC East, and now have their sights set on locking up home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.
"Right now, our running attack features two of the NFL's most powerful backs in LeGarrette Blount and Jonas Gray," Tom Brady said. "Those guys are beasts. Put in a two tight end set, and we've got a 'jumbo package' that even Lisa Olson could appreciate.
"Apparently, the Federal Communications Commission received several complaints about me mouthing the 'F' word at Green Bay a few weeks ago. Jesus, if it's not someone complaining about the 'Tuck Rule,' it's someone complaining about the ... oh, never mind. CBS didn't even play the audio, so no one actually heard the profanity. I guess that gives new meaning to the term 'watch your language.'"
The Jets won 16-11 at Tennessee in a game marred by a brawl triggered when Jurrell Casey shoved Geno Smith.
"It's more than likely I won't be coaching the Jets next year," Rex Ryan said. "But you can best believe I'll find a job as a defensive coordinator, probably just minutes after I'm fired. Maybe I could replace my brother Rob in New Orleans. Rob and I are twins. Some say we're triplets. That would be me and the two people that make up Rob."
New England wins, 23-15.NY Giants @ St. Louis (-5)
Eli Manning threw 3 touchdown passes to Odell Beckham, Jr. in the Giants 24-13 win over the Redskins last week. Beckham finished with 12 receptions for 143 yards.
"They call Odell 'ODB,'" Tom Coughlin said. "Not to be confused with 'Ole Dirty Bastard.' In other words, not to be confused with Jerry Jones. I don't see how anyone could confuse Odell with Jones. Really, the only things they have in common are their tastes in women.
"Actually, Ole Dirty Bastard is a member of the Wu Tang Clan. I'm 70-years-old. I'm not sure what 'Wu Tang Clan' is. I'm guessing it's possibly the Giants' MetLife Stadium Asian fan club, not to be confused with the 'Wu Ting Section.'"
The Rams fell to 6-8, losing a 12-6 defensive struggle to the visiting Cardinals.
"When you give up only 12 points and lose," Jeff Fisher said, "you know your offense hasn't done its job. What I wouldn't give for a player of Beckham's talent. I have a foolproof way to stop Beckham — have Shaun Hill throw to him."
St. Louis wins, 24-23.
Buffalo @ Oakland (+5½)
The Bills stunned the Packers last week, holding Aaron Rodgers without a touchdown pass in a 21-13 win.
"Our defense makes quarterbacks appear below-average," Mario Williams said, "and so does our offense.
"That was a big game for us. We treated the game like it was our Super Bowl. And I'm just as amazed as anyone that we won."
Bills win, 23-13.Indianapolis @ Dallas (-3)
The Colts clinched the AFC South with a 17-10 win over the Texans last week. In an offensively sloppy game, Andrew Luck passed for only 187 yards but connected for 2 TDs.
"It was rough," Luck said, "and it wasn't pretty. But enough about Jim Irsay's mug shot."
The Cowboys strode confidently into Philadelphia and left with a 38-27 win last Sunday night. Dez Bryant repeatedly burned the Eagles' secondary for 114 yards receiving and 3 touchdowns.
"I jawed with the Eagles before the game," Bryant said. "Usually, taunts of 'yo momma' work for me, but I abused them so bad, I think 'my momma' would have been more suitable."
Cowboys win, 31-24.Seattle @ Arizona (+8)
The Cardinals remained atop the NFC West with a 12-6 win at St. Louis last Thursday night. To remain there, they'll have to beat Russell Wilson and the Seahawks with third-string quarterback Ryan Lindley.
"Luckily," Bruce Arians said, "we've had ten days to prepare, and I've needed every one just to talk Ryan into playing."
The Seahawks completed the season sweep of the 49ers, winning 17-7 last week at CenturyLink Field. The Legion of Boom sacked Colin Kaepernick 6 times and held the 49ers to just 245 yards of total offense.
"We swept," Richard Sherman said. "We mopped up. Now, we'll leave it up to the 49ers front office to 'clean house.'
"Lindley has never seen a defense quite like ours. And he's never seen a cornerback quite like me. If he throws in my direction, I promise it will come right back to him when I intercept it and return it for a score. That's an offshoot of the Legion of Boom' called the 'Legion of Boomerang.'"
Seattle wins, 20-6.
Denver @ Cincinnati (+3)
Peyton Manning shook off flu-like symptoms to throw for 233 yards and a touchdown as the Broncos wrapped up the AFC West title with a 22-10 win at San Diego.
"What do you know?" Manning said. "Another case of the 'runs' for the Broncos.
"Our identity has changed over the last month or so. Mine has as well. I'm practically unrecognizable to the fans who drafted me in their fantasy leagues. But I'm no Johnny Manziel. I'm 6'6". Compared to Andy Dalton, Marvin Lewis would call me a 'giant,' and it would have nothing to do with my height."
The Bengals dominated Johnny Manziel and the Browns in a 30-0 destruction at Cleveland last week. Cincy roughed up Manziel, sacking him three times and intercepting him twice.
"Maybe Manziel is a midget," Marvin Lewis said, "because he was in way over his head.
"We taunted Manziel throughout the game. We flashed the 'money sign,' and that seemed to really bother him. It didn't bother him while he was at Texas A&M. There, if you said 'money,' Manziel said he'd 'sign' it."
Manning throws for 253 yards and two scores, and the Broncos overcome a slow start to take a 27-19 win.
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