Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Kansas City @ Oakland (+7)
The Chiefs won a physical slugfest against Seattle, knocking off the Seahawks 24-20 at Arrowhead Stadium. Jamaal Charles rushed for 159 yards and 2 touchdowns, outplaying Marshawn Lynch.
"In the battle of statistics," Charles said, "Lynch was in 'Least' mode.
"Hank Stram's Super Bowl IV ring is up for sale. I think everyone on this team longs to own their own ring. Personally, I long for the days of yore when coaches wore three-piece suits, like Mr. Stram, and not muumuu's, like Andy Reid."
The Raiders were held to 233 total yards and two Sebastian Janikowski field goals in a 13-6 loss at San Diego last week. Oakland remained winless, and is 0-10 in the AFC West.
"When Janikowski is most newsworthy among Raiders players," Tony Sparano said, "you know you're in trouble, especially if you're a 20-something hottie he met at a club. Six points sounds bad. 0-10 sounds worse. What sounds even worse than that? The O.co Stadium house band, 'Sebastian Janikowski and the Slipped Mickeys.'
"To further emphasize the sad state of Oakland athletes, former Oakland A's legend Jose Canseco lost a finger at a poker game last week. No, he didn't lose it in a bet, it just fell off. Talk about a bad hand. Suffice it to say he didn't have a full house. If there ever was a perfect time for human growth hormone, this is it."
Prior to kickoff, the Oakland locker room is raided by NFL representatives looking for metal pebbles in the jerseys. It doesn't take them "Long" to realize there's nothing at all dangerous in any Raiders jersey.
Charles rushes for a score, and Alex Smith finally hits a wide receiver for a touchdown, on a pass intended for Travis Kelce that is tipped 9 times by players on both teams, and twice by officials, and finally settles into the hands of Dwyane Bowe in the end zone.
Chiefs wins, 23-14.
Cleveland @ Atlanta (-3)
The Browns were soundly beaten at home 23-7 by the Texans, who destroyed the Browns defense with 213 yards on the ground. Cleveland will look to rebound in the Georgia Dome against the suddenly hot Falcons.
"There's a saying in Cleveland," Mike Pettine said. "It's goes 'Cleveland Rocks.' And no, that doesn't refer to Art Modell's kidney stones, which, by the way, are on display in the Browns Hall Of Fame. Anyway, we didn't 'rock' last week. On the contrary, 'Cleveland Sucks.'
"Josh Gordon has been reinstated by the league after completing his 10-game suspension. He's thrilled to be back, and his teammates are thrilled to have him. It's like he never left. Some opined that Josh wouldn't be able to gel after so much time off. But guess what? We tested positive for team chemistry."
The Falcons beat the Panthers 19-17 in Charlotte and tightened the race in the NFC South considerably. Matt Bryant's 44-yard field goal late in the fourth quarter provided the winning points, and Graham Gano missed two potential game-winning kicks for the Panthers.
"I guess the pressure was just too much for Gano," Mike Smith said. "Call him a 'Graham Cracker.'
"But on the subject of second chances, I should be most grateful for our sudden turn of fortune. I was this close to being fired. And by 'this close,' I mean the distance between my index finger and my thumb, held just a few millimeters apart. That's also the distance between Arthur Blank's mustache and his upper lip. That thing is well-manicured, and Mr. Blank likes it perfect. As such, he gives the me, and well as his team of mustache-artisans, no room for error."
The Falcons are tied for the lead in the NFC South. These days, the "South" stands for "South of .500." It's likely the the winner of the division will never see .500, or the divisional round.
The Browns lean on their running game to wear down the Atlanta defense, and Joe Haden shuts down Julio Jones.
Cleveland wins, 24-21.
Tennessee @ Philadelphia (-11)
The Eagles were throttled, 53-20, by the Packers at chilly Lambeau Field last week. Green Bay chewed up the Philly defense to the tune of 478 total yards. The Packers defense forced four turnovers and scored on a fumble return, interception return, and a punt return.
"We got whipped in all phases of the game," Chip Kelly said, "although we did hold a huge edge in the 'most times kicked off to' statistic.
"It looks like the NFC championship goes through Green Bay. And Green Bay just went through Philadelphia."
The lowly Titans head to Philadelphia, still reeling from Monday night's 27-24 loss to the Steelers. Tennessee let a 24-13 fourth-quarter lead slip away as they dropped to 2-8.
"One the bright side," Ken Whisenhunt said, "Zach Mettenberger played exceptionally well, save for one errant pass that was returned for a touchdown. You can safely say we're still looking for our quarterback of the future. Since Vince Young's infamous Wonderlic test, this franchise has continued to look for 'The One.' Zach may be 'The One.' Like Young, Zach is big and has a strong arm, and he sucks at standardized tests.
"As you've probably heard, the NFL fined tight end Chase Coffman $30,000 for a cheap shot on a Ravens coach in our game with Baltimore. Surprisingly, it did not take place on an elevator, but the sidelines."
The Eagles turn 3 turnovers into 10 points, and the Eagles KO the Titans, 30-14.
Detroit @ New England (-7)
The Lions lost 14-6 to the Cardinals in Arizona in a battle of division leaders last week. The loss snapped a four-game win streak by the Lions, who are now tied with the Packers for first in the NFC North.
"Six points won't get you much of anything," Jim Caldwell said. "That's a good game for the Red Wings, but not the Lions. Unfortunately, we were the ones that played like hockey.
"This could very well be a preview of Super Bowl XLIX. By that, I mean the Patriots versus an NFC North team. Right now, Green Bay appears to be the division favorite. But don't forget, we're tied with Green Bay for the division lead, and we beat them earlier this season. Ask anyone in Detroit 'who's got the edge?' and they'll say 'the Lions.' Ask anyone in Green Bay 'who's got the Edge?' and they'll say 'U2.'"
The Patriots ran their way to a 42-20 blowout of the Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium. New England ran for 244 yards, led by Jonas Gray, who piled up 199 yards and scored 4 touchdowns.
"Jonas is a powerful runner," Tom Brady said. "Much of his damage comes after contact. And opposing defenses have no answer for him. He's a lot like a racist tweet — once you realize you need to stop him, you find out it's too late.
"I'm not sure the Lions are ready for us, or the weather in Foxboro. They're an indoor team with an indoor team mentality. We plan to take them out of their comfort zone, which is 68 to 73 degrees Fahrenheit."
New England wins, 27-23.
Green Bay @ Minnesota (+10)
The Packers jumped to a 30-6 halftime lead over the visiting Eagles and cruised to a 53-20 win. Aaron Rodgers threw 341 yards and 3 touchdowns, and now has 15 TD passes in his last three games.
"I think most people were expecting a much closer game," Rodgers said. "It looks as though the Eagles were guilty of the same thing Adrian Peterson was — failure to appear.
"We like the way we're playing now, but there is room for improvement. It's important we strive to accomplish that. So, I have a message for my teammates: 'Do not R-E-L-A-X.'
The Vikings dropped to 4-6 after losing 21-13 to the Bears at Soldier Field last week. Minnesota's sputtering offense produced only 243 yards of total offense, and Teddy Bridgewater struggled against a mediocre Bears defense.
"We've got to score touchdowns when we get close," Mike Zimmer said. "Contrary to what you may have heard, our 'red zone' troubles do not refer to Peterson's child's behind.
"The NFL came down hard on Adrian, suspending him for at least the remainder of the season. Of course, Adrian's appealing. He wants to play in the worst way. Fittingly, he finds it painful to 'sit.'
"This team is struggling right now. Maybe they're feeling too much pressure. Aaron Rodgers says 'relax.' Maybe we need to relax. And this being the land of 10,000 lakes, I can think of no better way to relax than a cruise on Lake Minnetonka. It's time to make a call to Fred Smoot, who runs the team's 'hospitality and player interaction administration.' Up until early September, we called that 'social services.'"
Green Bay wins, 38-17.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-13½)
The Colts were physically dominated by the visiting Patriots, who leveled the Indy defense with a whopping 244 yards rushing, while the Pats defense limited Indy to 19 yards on 17 carries.
"The Patriots drew a line in the sand," Andrew Luck said, "and dared us to cross it. It was the line of scrimmage.
"Compounding the issue, Ahmad Bradshaw is out for the season with a broken ankle. That leaves Trent Richardson as our primary back. Trent's built like a brick house. His collisions with defenders are violent, and mostly take place behind the line of scrimmage. Trent was known as the 'Cleveland Steamer' as a Brown; here, his nickname is 'Indy Backfield.'"
The Jaguars return to AFC South play after a bye week following their 31-17 loss to the Cowboys in London.
"What kind of idiot tries to buy things at a hotel with bubble gum?" Gus Bradly said. "Cornerback Dwayne Gratz, that's who. I'm not sure how much gum he spent, but I hear he 'blew' a bubble. I'm sure we'll fine him for his actions, or at the very least, I'll chew him out.
"The English people treated my players like kings. I'm not so sure they deserve it, but I told those Brits in my best Dennis Green impression, 'If you want to crown them, then crown their asses!"
Colts win, 41-20.
Cincinnati @ Houston (-2½)
The Bengals dominated the Saints in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, whipping the home team, 27-10. Andy Dalton rebounded from the worst game of his career with 220 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"We needed that win," Dalton said. "Take a huge win on the road in New Orleans, combine it with the Saints defense, and you get the 'Big Easy.'
"The Saints really don't know what hit them. They aren't asking 'Who dey?' They're asking themselves 'Who we?'"
In Ryan Mallett's first start as a Texan, Houston overwhelmed the Browns in Cleveland 23-7. Mallett tossed two touchdown passes, one a 2-yard fade to J.J. Watt.
"J.J. does it all," Mallett said. "He's the face of this franchise. He's a man. On the other hand, Jadeveon Clowney is 'part-woman.' Or is he a 'woman part?'"
Houston wins, 22-17.
NY Jets @ Buffalo (-4½)
The Jets bye week came on the heels of their 20-13 upset of the Steelers in Week 10. The win snapped an eight-game losing streak and gave Rex Ryan's squad a much needed boost of confidence.
"You could say we 'regrouped,'" Rex Ryan said. "And that may be what it's called when I find myself working with another team next year.
"The NFL fined me for profanities I uttered at officials after Week 10's win over the Steelers," Rex Ryan said. "In total, I've been fined $225,000 for language while coaching the Jets. That's a lot of cursing. Trust me, I know a 'cluster 'F'' when I see one. And I see one on the field every week."
The Bills offense stagnated in last Thursday's 22-9 loss to the Dolphins at Miami. The win left the Bills at 5-5, in third place in the AFC East.
"See," Doug Marrone said, "this is what happens when you open your big mouth and guarantee a victory. Leodis McKelvin made that bold statement before the Miami game, and he injured his ankle. Swollen or not, he's gonna have to put that foot in his mouth."
Buffalo wins, 19-10.
Tampa Bay @ Chicago (-6)
Lovie Smith returns to Chicago leading the Buccaneers, as 2-9 Tampa heads to Soldier Field to challenge the 4-6 Bears. The Bucs whipped the Redskins 27-7 last week, led by rookie receiver Mike Evans, who had 209 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns.
"I've been an influential coach of both teams," Smith said. "I think a quick glance at the records win tell you that.
"Evans could very well be the NFL's top rookie receiver. He was unstoppable in college as well. When Johnny Manziel wasn't signing autographs for money, he was throwing passes for paydirt. Most of those went to Evans. Mike was targeted as much by Johnny as Johnny was by the NCAA."
The Bears snapped a three-game losing streak with a 21-13 win over the Vikings last week. Jay Cutler rebounded from a series of bad games with 330 yards passing and 3 touchdowns.
"I said I had to get better," Jay Cutler said, "and I did. That's because nearly all of my teammates said 'You better.'
"Brandon Marshall wants to stage a boxing match with a Lions fan for an anti-bullying charity. Brandon is a true activist. He supports a lot of 'causes,' particularly the one that claims I'm the sole problem with this team."
Robbie Gould kicks a 45-yard field goal as time expires, and the Bears win, 23-20.
Arizona @ Seattle (-6½)
The Cardinals stymied the visiting Lions offense last week, limiting Detroit's vaunted aerial attach to only 183 yards in a 14-6 win. Drew Stanton tossed two early TD passes to Michael Floyd, and the 9-1 Cards now have a three-game lead in the NFC West.
"We're like Bruce Arians' funky fresh red Kangol cap," Stanton said. "Comfortably on top."
The Seahawks lost at Kansas City and fell to 6-4 in the NFC West, three games behind the 9-1 Cardinals. Seattle failed on three fourth-down conversions in the fourth quarter.
"We got 'stuffed' a little early for Thanksgiving," Pete Carroll said. "A speaking a 'talking turkey,' that's something I don't do with Marshawn Lynch. We can barely stand to be in the same room together. That room is our locker room, at halftime.
"Marshawn was fined $100,000 for not talking to the media after the Kansas City game. That's a pretty stiff fine. Heck, that's 10% of the University of Southern California's yearly hush money fund. Marshawn knows just as well as USC — silence comes at a price."
Cardinals win, 20-18.
St. Louis @ San Diego (-4)
The Rams jumped to a quick 10-0 lead and made it hold in a 22-7 upset of the Broncos at the Edward Jones Dome.
"We gave Manning fits," Jeff Fisher said. "Even at his worst, I'd pick Peyton over Eli. At Eli's worst, I'd pick 6."
The Chargers won for the first time since October 12th, beating the Raiders 13-6 in a defensive struggle.
"I don't care what Antonio Gates said," Mike McCoy said. "Phillip Rivers does not have a serious rib injury. I think Antonio took his Sunday school lesson a little too literally. He heard some convoluted story about the good Lord taking Phillip's rib and creating a running back. If that happened, you could be sure that running back would be out at least six weeks to heal."
San Diego wins, 26-16.
Miami @ Denver (-7)
The Broncos dynamic offense was shut down in a 22-7 loss at St. Louis last week. Peyton Manning threw for 389 yards, but managed only a single TD pass and threw 2 interceptions.
"That's a game ball that won't be going to the Hall of Fame," Manning said. "I think I might give it to my brother Eli and see if he can '86' it. Chances are, he'll '49' it.
"I heard that Randy Moss said he'd come out of retirement to play with me. That's flattering. I find it interesting that whether playing or retired, Randy's not working."
The Dolphins whipped the Bills 22-9 last Thursday and now hold second place in the AFC East. At 6-4, the 'Fins trail the Patriots by a single game.
"If the regular season ended today," Joe Philbin said, "we'd have the final wild card spot. We'd also have a week to prepare for an away game in a cold weather city. This should be great preparation, then. And so should flying home a loser."
Prior to kickoff, the Dolphins get a visitor in former Dolphin Ricky Williams, who surprises his former team with a pep talk, supporting the Broncos, because boy, does Ricky like Colorado.
Denver wins, 27-24.
Washington @ San Francisco (-9)
The Redskins were hammered 27-7 by the visiting Buccaneers last week. Robert Griffin III threw 2 interceptions and was sacked 6 times.
"I'm not one to throw teammates under the Bus," Griffin said, "because they could easily be crushed by Jerome Bettis. Apparently, it's a big no-no to blame your teammates for poor play without accepting some yourself. How should I know that? I didn't major in 'accounting' at Baylor."
The 49ers intercepted Eli Manning five times in a hard-fought 16-10 win over the Giants at MetLife Stadium. San Fran is 6-4, three games behind the 9-1 Cardinals.
"Ahmad Brooks is unhappy that he lost playing time to Aldon Smith," Jim Harbaugh said, "so he took himself out of the Giants game. To his credit, he came to my office later in the week to discuss it. And that was with no prodding from me. In this organization, we find it advantageous when our players voluntary seek help."
San Francisco wins, 28-16.
Dallas @ NY Giants (+3)
Eli Manning threw 5 interceptions as the Giants lost a tough 16-10 matchup to the visiting 49ers.
"I single-handedly lost that game," Manning said, "with my right hand. Leave it to me to have two 'off' hands. Now you can see Tom Coughlin in the NFL's anti-domestic violence campaign, because he said 'no more.'"
The Cowboys are 7-3 and tied with the Eagles atop the NFC East. Dallas enjoyed a bye week after week 10's win over the Jaguars in London.
"The time off worked wonders on Tony Romo's back," Jason Garrett said. "He seems to be back to his old self, which happens to be one hit away from a back injury."
Dallas wins, 30-24.
Baltimore @ New Orleans (-3)
The Ravens are 6-4, hot on the tails of the AFC North-leading Bengals, who are 6-3-1. A Week 11 bye gives John Harbaugh's Ravens an additional week to prepare for the Saints.
"That last time I had two weeks to prepare for something," Harbaugh said, "I made Ray Rice sound like a hero."
The Saints were pounded 27-10 by the Bengals in the Superdome, losing for the second straight time at home. The Saints are 4-6, but are still tied for first place with the Falcons in the NFC South.
"We're not playing well at all," Sean Payton said. "Unlike CBS cameras in the Baltimore locker room, we're not rolling.
"Jimmy Graham complained last week about getting his right butt cheek groped in the stands after leaping in to celebrate a TD. He said he'd never make that leap again. I support Jimmy. He's never done anything half-assed."
New Orleans win, 30-29.
Leave a Comment