Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-6)
The AFC North-leading Bengals host the Browns on Thursday Night Football. Cincy beat the Jaguars 33-23 last week to move to 5-2-1 on the year.
"Jeremy Hill was fantastic filling in for the injured Gio Bernard," Marvin Lewis said. "Jeremy was the league's leading rusher last week with 154 yards and 2 TDs. Gio graded him out at an A+. Of course, that's not official. Let's face it, Gio attended the University of North Carolina on a football scholarship — what does he know about a legitimate grade?
"Have you seen Andy Dalton's Pepsi commercial? It's got nothing on Stanley Wilson's 'coke' commercial, which was made on the eve of Super Bowl XXIII. Wilson's was the most sudden playoff departure for the Bengals — at least until Dalton showed up. Anyway, in his Pepsi ad, Andy shocks a restaurant patron, not with a playoff win, but by showing up and drinking her Pepsi."
The Browns beat the Buccaneers 22-17 last week and are 5-3 in the AFC North, just one game behind the Bengals. Brian Hoyer passed for 300 yards and 2 TDs, but also threw 2 interceptions.
"I sense that Johnny Manziel is frustrated," Mike Pettine said. "But just like in college, he's being a true professional about it. He hasn't been a distraction. The only friction on this team is when Johnny rubs his fingers together.
"Brian Hoyer is this team's unquestioned leader. He'd rather plan a team trip to Glendale, Arizona, not Las Vegas, Nevada. Brian's contract is up at the end of this year, and we have to decide what direction we want to take at quarterback. I've got a feeling jersey sales will guide us in the right direction."
It's "Vontaze Burfict Bobblehead Night" at Paul Brown Stadium. The first 2,500 fans who correctly answer the question "Where are you?" receive a Burfict doll and a passing grade on the Bengals rudimentary concussion test.
Cincinnati wins, 26-22.
Kansas City @ Buffalo (+1½)
The Chiefs routed the lowly Jets 24-10 last week and improved to 5-3 in the AFC West. Alex Smith, playing with a sore shoulder, threw for 199 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"The shoulder feels great," Smith said. "Lawsuits be damned, painkillers really work. Interestingly enough, a shot in my arm gives our team a shot in the arm. And speaking of 'needles' and 'arms,' I've got the same quarterback rating as that walking billboard Colin Kaepernick. They say Peyton Manning is the most knowledgeable quarterback in history. Don't discount Kepernick — he's well-'versed,' too. Christians can 'read' Kaepernick just as easily as a linebacker dropping back into coverage."
The Bills, coming off a bye week, stand 5-3 in the AFC East, one-and-a-half games behind the Patriots.
"Kyle Orton may have been the best free agent signing in the NFL this season," Doug Marrone said. "That was the best 'pickup' for the Bills since Thurman Thomas found his helmet.
"Just like the Chiefs, our last win came against the Jets. Those Jets are leaving their mark across the league and across the sky — it's called a losing streak."
Bills win, 23-20.
Miami @ Detroit (-2½)
The Lions lead the NFC North with a 6-2 record, and are fresh from a bye week after week 7's 22-21 win over the Falcons in London. In that game, the Lions erased a 21-point deficit to win on Matt Prater's field goal on the game's last play, a kick made possible by a delay of game penalty that nullified Prater's miss just moments before.
"Of all people," Jim Caldwell said, "Prater is grateful for a second chance, and he's managing his condition well. He keeps his mind off alcohol in a very odd way — by counting the number of kicking tees during practice. That helps him remain a 'teetotaler.'
"Calvin Johnson will be back against the Dolphins. He's missed several games with a bum ankle. For a while there, Megatron couldn't get around without the help. That's why we hired former Lion great and University Of Miami product Bennie Blades, so Calvin could walk with a 'Cane."
The Dolphins forced four Phillip Rivers turnovers in a 37-0 demolition of the Chargers in Miami last week. Ryan Tannehill passed for 288 yards and 3 touchdowns as the 'Fins remained a game in the loss column behind New England.
"The Chargers had a long flight back from Miami," Tannehill said. "I'm sure they were happy to get back home, as well as to the drawing board.
"Joe Philbin has this team believing in ourselves. That's something Nick Saban couldn't do. Nick couldn't handle the rigors of the pro game. There's no denying that. But one thing's for sure in Miami: the tide has turned. When all is said and done, the Dolphins should be in the playoffs, and Saban should be in a Dish Network 'Hopper' commercial with Brian Bosworth, Matt Leinart, and Heath Shuler."
The Lions defense answers the call, as well as the question, "Is Ryan Tannehill for real?" Tannehill throws two picks, and Johnson catches a short TD pass from Matthew Stafford before leaving the game with a contused larynx in the third quarter.
Detroit wins, 27-14.
Dallas @ Jacksonville (+8)
The Cowboys and Jaguars face off in London's Wembley Stadium in the league's third London game this season. Without an injured Tony Romo last week, the Cowboys lost 28-17 to the Cardinals, and there was bickering on the sideline, as Dez Bryant was seen yelling at Brandon Weeden.
"I wouldn't call it a 'fight,'" Jason Garrett said. "If it was, then 'How 'Bout Them Cowboys?' would be an appropriate headline.
"Dez wears his heart on his sleeve. He just wants to win, whether it's at the line of scrimmage against Patrick Peterson, a game of dominos in the locker room against Terrence Williams, or a street fight with his mother.
"I think Tony's back will be okay. Then again, I'm not a doctor. Jerry Jones, on the other hand, thinks his honorary degree from the Corpus Christi School of Veterinary Science makes him qualified to opine on Romo's status. Jerry says it's 'M.D.'; I say it's 'B.S.'"
The Jaguars dropped to 1-8 after last week's 33-23 loss to the Bengals. The Jags were solid offensively and defensively, but were let down by special teams blunders.
"We may be only be 1-8," Gus Bradley said, "but I see a whole lot of promise. It's an unofficial statistic, but we lead the NFL in 'little' victories.
"Will Queen Elizabeth be in Wembley Stadium? If she is, that may be the closest Jerry Jones gets to the 'crown.' The Jaguars owner, Shad Khan, shares a lot of similarities with Jones. They're both billionaires, and neither knows a thing about football."
Dallas wins, 30-26.
San Francisco @ New Orleans (-4½)
The Saints seized the NFC South lead with a crucial 28-10 win over the Panthers in Charlotte last week. At 4-4, New Orleans leads the Panthers by a game.
"What a great game by our defense," Sean Payton said. "You know, a defense is built in the image of the defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, and those guys showed a lot of guts against the Panthers.
"After starting the season 1-3, we're thrilled to be 4-4. Earlier this season, if you would have said '500' ball, I would assumed you were talking about the opposing team's yardage."
The 49ers had three tries to score from the St. Louis 1-yard line, but couldn't punch it in and lost 13-10. Colin Kaepernick fumbled the snap on third down and the Rams recovered.
"Colin says he scored before he fumbled," Jim Harbaugh said, "and I believe him. Officials thought otherwise. I don't know what was going on under that pile. Apparently, the Rams were grabbing at the ball, and Colin was grasping at straws.
"Unfortunately, we won't get Aldon Smith back until next week. That's probably a good thing. The last we need is Aldon strolling down Bourbon Street. But look out when he returns. Aldon became downright giddy when he found out the league was giving him 'another shot.' He's trading in the brown paper bag for a sack."
New Orleans wins, 27-24.Tennessee @ Baltimore (-10)
The Ravens were pummeled 43-23 by the Steelers, who avenged their Week 2 loss in Baltimore. Ben Roethlisberger torched the Ravens defense for 340 yards and 6 touchdowns.
"We had numerous breakdowns in the defensive backfield," John Harbaugh said. "We need to find out why, and I fully expect everyone involved to cooperate with the investigation.
"On that note, we've started a charity in support of Ray Rice's quest to be reinstated. It's called 'Ray's Awareness.' Make a donation to the cause, and we will beat it."
The Titans are coming off a Week 9 bye. Tennessee is 2-6 in the AFC South, one game ahead of the last-place Jaguars.
"Baltimore is always a tough place to play," Ken Whisenhunt said. "But we can't play scared. I need to see total commitment from my players. Some people would settle for a conviction in Baltimore; I need more — I'd like to see some 'conviction' in Baltimore.
"Zach Mettenberger will be starting at quarterback. Zach is similar in size and stature to Roethlisberger, so Big Ben's performance against the Ravens was a real confidence booster. Zach hopes he can do to the Ravens what Roethlisberger did to the Ravens. After all, he already did to a woman in a bar in Georgia what Roethlisberger did to a woman in a bar in Georgia."
Asked by a Baltimore reporter if he'll post anymore selfie's, Mettenberger replies, "Never more," a response which irks some of the Ravens, who in turn alert the "Poe-lice," a literary organization dedicated to ensure that Edgar Allan Poe references are used only by Ravens players. Baltimore roughs up Mettenberger, sacking him six times, and forces 3 Titans turnovers.
Baltimore wins, 34-13.
Pittsburgh @ NY Jets (+4½)
The Jets suffered a demoralizing 24-10 defeat at Arrowhead Stadium last week and fell to 1-8 on the season. Michael Vick started the game, but left after suffering a head injury. Matt Simms finished the game for the Jets.
"Yep," Rex Ryan said, "that's Matt Simms, brother of Chris Simms and son of Phil Simms. I guess quarterbacking doesn't run, or pass, in the family. If quarterbacking is indeed genetic, Mrs. Simms must be an awful quarterback.
"Jets fan raised $10,000 to put up a billboard urging owner Woody Johnson to fire general manager John Idzik. I shudder to think how much fans could raise on my behalf. Billboards or not, all signs points to my firing at season's end.
"We've got to find a way to stop Roethlisberger. Twelve touchdowns in two games is incredible. You could say it's an amazing feat, and trust me, I know amazing feet when I see them."
The Steelers pounded the Ravens 43-23 last week, led by Ben Roethlisberger's 6 touchdown passes and a resurgent James Harrison.
"The Ravens like to talk," Roethlisberger said. "I encouraged them not to talk. That's worked out well for me in the past, and it didn't disappoint this time.
"And speaking of common themes in my life, I threw 6 TDs for the second consecutive game. Twelve TDs in two games broke the record of 11 held by Tom Flores and Tom Brady. I'm so proud to see my name in the record book. Hopefully, that's a record that will never be expunged."
Steelers win, 27-16, sending the Jets to their ninth consecutive defeat, a first in Jets franchise history.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay (even)
The NFC South's bottom two teams meet at Raymond James Stadium as the 1-6 Bucs host the 2-6 Falcons. Last week, Tampa lost 22-17 to the Browns.
"The record doesn't reflect it," Lovie Smith said, but we're improving every week. Mike Evans had an impressive game, with 2 touchdowns. After parties and strippers, he was Johnny Manziel's favorite target at Texas A&M. Here's an interesting fact: 'A&M' stands for 'autographs and money.'
"We share a lot of similarities with the Falcons. Just like us, they are coached by a 'Smith.' And similarly, that 'Smith' is on the hot seat. Likewise, things don't look good for either one of us. Just the other day, I was standing on the replica pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium when it hit me: a sinking feeling. The Smith that loses this game will likely be fired. For one of these Smith's, a career could be blown to 'Smith-ereens.'"
In their last outing, the Falcons blew a 21-0 lead and lost 22-21 to the Lions in London. Falcons owner Arthur Blank said there was "no way" the Falcons should have lost that game.
"Arthur answers 'no way' to a lot of questions," Mike Smith said. "Like, 'Is my job safe?' or 'Can I touch your mustache?' or 'Is Home Depot a poor man's Lowe's?' or 'Is there a strip club in Atlanta called the 'Jugs Machine?'
"One thing you have to remember is that we've been devastated by injuries, particularly on defense. So, if we win in Tampa, with a nod to Jim Schwartz, I'm asking my players to cart me off the field."
Matt Ryan throws 2 touchdowns passes and the Falcons win, 24-23.
Denver @ Oakland (+11)
The Patriots pounded the Broncos 43-21 in wintry Foxboro last Sunday, handing Denver only its second loss of the year. Peyton Manning passed for 438 yards and 2 touchdowns, but the Broncos running game offered no balance.
"Conditions were treacherous at Gillette Stadium," Manning said, "and it had nothing to do with the weather.
"The Pats really turned on the offense. In an interesting turn of events, the scoreboard operator at Gillette had a talk with me. He said he'd keep the decibels, and the score, under 50.
"I simply have to play better. You can best believe I'll study the tape of that game and learn from it. If there's one thing I can say about Patriots defenses over the years is that they make me a better quarterback. Unfortunately, it never happens on game day."
The Broncos strike on their opening possession, scoring on Manning's 25-yard TD pass to Demaryius Thomas. Two Raiders turnovers later, it's 21-0, and O.co Coliseum becomes Uh O.co Coliseum. Manning gets in on the gaudy passing stats fad, throwing for 5 touchdowns.
Denver wins, 42-20.
St. Louis @ Arizona (-7)
The Cardinals limited the Dallas running game and frustrated Brandon Weeden in a 28-17 win at AT&T Stadium. Arizona improved to 7-1, and would be the NFC's top-seed if the regular season ended today.
"Carson Palmer has rejuvenated his career," Bruce Aryans said. "He's a true renaissance man. Just a few short weeks ago, he couldn't even throw a ball. Just a few short years ago, he refused to throw a ball.
"We're glad he's in Arizona. Giving the Raiders a sixth-round pick for Palmer may have been the best deal we've ever made. I'm not sure who the Raiders drafted with that pick, but I'm sure he's either out of the league, or a starter with another team."
The Rams used a goal-line stand to stun the 49ers 13-10 at Levi's Stadium. St. Louis sacked Colin Kaepernick eight times and forced 2 Kaepernick turnovers.
"The crowd at Levi's Stadium was just devastated," Jeff Fisher said. "For the time being, we'll call that place 'Blue Jeans Stadium.'
"You can best believe we'll come after Palmer. We sacked Kaepernick eight times, and he's a moving target. Palmer is not very mobile. Unlike Cincinnati or Oakland, Palmer will stay in the pocket."
Arizona wins, 27-13.
NY Giants @ Seattle (-10)
The Giants offense looked out of synch in Monday night's 40-24 loss to the Colts. Indy led 40-10 at one point, but Eli Manning threw 2 late touchdown passes to make it respectable.
"As is usual in New Jersey," Manning said, "the organized crime syndicate was quite interested in those late scores, because they were made in garbage time."
On Saturday, Eli calls Peyton for some advice on how to overcome the Seahawks. Peyton replies, "beats me," and hangs up.
Richard Sherman picks off an errant Manning pass and returns it 52 yards for a touchdown, and is then pelted with cans of Chunky Soup from adoring Seahawks fans.
Seattle wins, 30-23.
Chicago @ Green Bay (-7½)
The Packers four-game winning streak was snapped in last week's 44-23 loss at New Orleans. Aaron Rodgers threw for 418 yards and a touchdown, but injured his hamstring in the second half and was ineffective thereafter.
"Aaron's hamstring is fine," Mike McCarthy said. "I know a lot of Packers fans are worried, but Aaron's receiving top-notch treatment. We've got him hooked up to a contraption that sends electronic stimuli to the affected area, causing a vibration that aids healing. He tweaked his hamstring; this device twerks it."
The Bears had a much-needed by week after Week 8's 51-23 loss at New England. The loss left the Bears at 3-5, three games behind the 6-2 Lions in the NFC North.
"Indeed," Marc Trestman said. "The bye week afforded us time to work on a lot of things, most notably our attitudes. Sure, most people want to slap the look off of Jay Cutler's face. If Rodgers is the 'State Farm Guy,' then Jay's teammates are the 'Hate Smarm Guys.' Don't get me wrong, no one questions Jay's toughness. If they do, he just mentions Derrick Rose's name."
Green Bay wins, 30-27.
Carolina @ Philadelphia (-6)
The Carolina offense struggled in last Thursday's 28-10 loss to the Saints at Bank of America Stadium. Can Newton was 10-of-28 for only 151 yards and had 2 turnovers.
"Accuracy isn't Newton's strong suit," Ron Rivera said. "That applies to passing, as well as to testimony to the NCAA. Cam's jersey says '1'; he says '4' when he throws."
The Eagles beat the Texans 31-21 last week. Nick Foles left the game in the first half with a shoulder injury; Mark Sanchez took over and threw for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Mark has a lot of experience at quarterback," Chip Kelly said. "Keep in mind, he's been in the league for six years. That's a long time. To put that in perspective, his former girlfriend is now 23."
Carolina pulls the upset, 27-25.
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