Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano — Logano spun on lap 303 at Texas and lost ground, but recovered to finish 12th. He is tied for the lead in the points standings with Denny Hamlin.
"I may be the Chase's youngest driver," Logano said, "but I can still set a good example for some of the veterans. I mean, I would never go after another driver — I'd just let me dad do it.
"Was the post-race melee real, or was it staged? It looked fishy. I kind of expected Ashton Kutcher to appear and tell Brad Keselowski and Jeff Gordon that they had just been on MTV's prank show 'Punch'd.'"
2. Jeff Gordon — Gordon led 49 laps and was poised to take the win before Clint Bowyer spun to bring out a caution with five laps to go. On the ensuing restart, Gordon was squeezed by Brad Keselowski, which punctured a rear tire on the No. 24. Gordon eventually finished finished 29th and is fourth in the points standings.
"I'd like to apologize for my characterization of Keselowski," Gordon said. "But only for its accuracy.
"My quest for title number five took a hit. I'll be extremely disappointed if I don't get it, especially with a lot of big name drivers ineligible. My car is sponsored by the 'Drive to End Hunger;' I just don't want the final race of the season to be a 'drive to end hungry.'"
3. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin finished 10th at Texas and now leads the Sprint Cup points standings, thanks to a shake-up in the final laps at Texas.
"They say everything is bigger in Texas," Hamlin said. "Apparently, that includes expletives uttered on the air.
"Now, I'll do anything at Phoenix to make sure I advance to the final round. Like some other drivers, I'll gladly fight my way into the Championship round."
4. Ryan Newman — Newman finished 15th in the AAA Texas 500 and is now third in the points standings, 2 points behind Joey Logano and Denny Hamlin.
"I just need to hold my position and I'm on to the next round," Newman said. "Basically, that means I need to steer clear of the No. 2 car. I've got plenty of experience with that, because when Rusty Wallace was in that car, I avoided him like the plague.
"I don't know all the ins and outs of clinching scenarios for Phoenix. My goal is to go out and win. I may have an engineering degree, but someone else can do the math."
5. Carl Edwards — Edwards posted a ninth in the AAA Texas 500, earning his 13th top 10 of the year. He is fifth in the points standings, one behind fourth place.
"What a scene after the race," Edwards said. "That's two fights in the last three races. I can't wait to see what happens at Phoenix. They say the track there is an oval; I say it looks more like a 'squared circle.'"
6. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth started on the pole at Texas and finished 25th, a finished which severely damaged his hopes to advance. He is fifth in the points standings, one point behind Jeff Gordon in fourth.
"I've only got Kevin Harvick after me," Kenseth said. "That's nothing compared to Brad Keselowski. There's a lot a drivers that want to get in his face. I truly think Brad needs another spotter at Phoenix. By 'another spotter,' I mean 'eyes in the back of his head.'"
7. Brad Keselowski — Keselowski started 26th at Texas and finished third in the AAA Texas 500. On the races penultimate restart, Keselowski forced his way between Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon. Contact punctured Gordon's tire, and Keselowski also raised the ire of Kevin Harvick.
"Depending on who you ask," Keselowski said, "I'm either on a reign of terror or a reign of error.
"But I won't change how I race. I'm still going to do things my way, so don't get in my way. Right now, I'm just focused on Phoenix International Raceway. You could say I have a 'one track mind.'"
8. Kevin Harvick — Harvick finished second in the AAA Texas 500, placing himself in solid position to advance to the Chase For The Cup's next round. Afterwards, Harvick was in the middle of a melee involving Jeff Gordon and Brad Keselowski.
"I pushed Keselowski right into the middle of it," Harvick said. "It may have been the most literal example of the saying 'When push comes to shove.'
"Don't tell anyone, but my push was a crafty ploy to create a feud between Keselowski and Gordon, two drivers who just happen to be the ones I'm battling for a spot in the Chase's final round. Jimmy John's is 'freaky fast;' I'm 'sneaky fast.'"
9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt finished sixth in the AAA Texas 500 as Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson won the race.
"Formula 1 raced in Austin on Sunday," Earnhardt said. "But their race couldn't hold a candle to what happened at the NASCAR event. To Formula 1, we all say 'Stay classy.' To NASCAR, Formula 1 says the same thing, but with an open cockpit full of sarcasm.
"There were more cheap shots at Texas than on dollar night at Whisky River. Only one thing could have made that Texas fracas better — if Dr. Jerry Punch could have handled post-race interviews."
10. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson held off Brad Keselowski and Kevin Harvick to win his third consecutive Texas fall race.
"That's two straight wins for Hendrick Motorsports drivers in the Eliminator round," Johnson said. "Apparently, we're trying to 'eliminate' Jeff Gordon from any chance of winning his fifth Cup."
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