Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
San Diego @ Denver (-7½)
The AFC West lead is on the line as the 5-1 Broncos host the 4-2 Chargers at Sports Authority Field. Last week, the Broncos blasted the 49ers 42-17 as Peyton Manning threw 4 touchdown passes, passing Brett Favre to become the all-time leader in TD passes thrown.
"Favre kindly texted his congratulations," Manning said. "He sent me the same message he sent Jenn Sterger: 'You deserve this.' Thankfully, there was no attachment.
"Now, we know the Chargers are motivated to win. They're certainly capable. Philip Rivers is a great leader, whether he's leading 10 fellow offensive players or seven children. Rivers takes his football almost as seriously as he does his Catholic vows. Me, I have only five children. And in the same manner as boxing great George Foreman, mine all have the same initials: 'MVP.'"
"Of course, you can't discuss the link between me and the Chargers without dropping the name 'Ryan Leaf.' Leaf was the second pick in the 1998 NFL draft. Leaf may be the biggest bust in the history of the NFL, but it's not all bad for him. Let's just put it this way — I'm not the only one with a record."
The Chargers had their five-game winning streak snapped by the visiting Chiefs 23-20 last week. San Diego trails the Broncos by one game in the West.
"They're calling this game 'How the West Was One,'" Rivers said. "The winner leaves with the inside track to the AFC West division title. Plus, the outcome could very well help determine who wins the league's MVP award, me or Manning. Let's face it, J.J. Watt may be a one-man wrecking crew, but this is a two-man race."
What's the best way to keep the ball out of Manning's hands? Not a silly game of "keep away," but a successful running game. Do the Chargers have a successful running game?
Denver wins, 34-21.
Detroit @ Atlanta (+3½)
The Lions and Falcons face off in the NFL's second of four games at London's Wembley Stadium. The Lions are 6-2 and rolling after scoring 2 touchdowns in the final 3:38 to shock the Saints 24-23 at Ford Field.
"Our defense made stops when we needed them to," Jim Caldwell said. "For once, a Lion 'putting his foot down' didn't result in a penalty and/or fine.
"Calvin Johnson is making the trip to London. I'm not sure if he will play; his ankle is still pretty sore. However, he's specifically asked us to carry him on the field. But carry him off the field? No chance. Just ask Jim Schwartz. There's a fine line between 'Megatron' and 'Mega-lomaniac.'"
After last week's 29-7 loss at Baltimore, the Falcons have lost four in a row, all by 10 points or more.
"Team owner Arthur Blank has publicly criticized my team," Mike Smith said. "There's nothing worse in this organization than being on the business end of the 'Blank Stare.' I know that look well. It's the same one I give my players when they're looking for strong leadership.
"Speaking of Detroit, Motown legend Marvin Gaye once asked 'What's Going On?' The same could be asked of this Falcons team. All I can say is 'Mercy Mercy Me.'"
Detroit wins, 27-19.
After the game, fans are treated to a laser light show as Pink Floyd/Iron Butterfly tribute band "Ummagumma Da Vida" plays.
St. Louis @ Kansas City (-6½)
It's a showdown in the "Show Me State" as the Chiefs host the Rams. Last week, the Chiefs upset the Chargers 23-20 in San Diego on Cairo Santos 48-yard field goal with 21 seconds left.
"Santos is the first Brazilian-born player to play in a regular-season game," Alex Smith said. "Luckily, we weren't playing Germany, or he never makes that kick.
"I can't say I'm not happy that Peyton Manning set the all-time TD record against the 49ers. Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers defense looked lost against Peyton. It's certainly not the first time Harbaugh's had 'no answer' for a quarterback."
The Rams stunned the visiting Seahawks 28-26 last week, handing Seattle their third loss of the season. The Rams improved to 2-4.
"We brought out all of our special plays," Jeff Fisher said. "It's called 'turning tricks,' and is quite popular with NFL players.
"We finally got some pressure on an opposing quarterback. Robert Quinn, last year's NFL sack leader, recorded his first sack of the season. He's at 1.0, and for a football player who attended the University Of North Carolina, that's practically the dean's list."
Jamaal Charles posts 156 yards from scrimmage and 2 touchdowns, and the Chiefs win, 27-20.
Houston @ Tennessee (+1)
The Titans lost 17-16 at Washington and are now 2-5, next to last in the AFC South.
"Jake Locker missed his third straight game," Ken Whisenhunt said. "They call him 'Jake The Ache.' But Charlie Whitehurst filled in admirably. He sports a ponytail, which is an odd fashion choice for an NFL player. That makes that ponytail 'questionable,' which means it plays more than Locker.
"Whoever starts at QB, they must be aware of J.J. Watt. Watt is a constant presence. He may be the most disruptive force in Texas. And that's including Jerry Jones."
The Texans lost their second consecutive game, blowing a 13-0 lead and losing 30-23 to the Steelers on Monday night.
"We've got to have a better effort from our defense," Bill O'Brien said. "And I'm fully confident defensive coordinator Romeo Crenel is up to the task. After all, he is shaped like a football.
"Offensively, we lack big-play ability. I'm not sure we can get that from Ryan Fitzpatrick. When Fitzpatrick throws the ball, it's not the officials throwing their hands in the air, it's me."
Houston wins, 27-10.
Minnesota @ Tampa Bay (-3)
The Bucs return from a bye week looking to turn their season around. Tampa is 1-5, dead last in the NFC South.
"We're 0-3 at home," Lovie Smith said, "and 0-3 in the division. That's the good news. The bad news is people are begging for the return of an old Bucs coach. Not John Gruden, not Tony Dungy, but Greg Schiano."
The Vikings lost 17-16 at Buffalo last week and are now 2-5, last in the NFC North. Rookie Teddy Bridgewater struggled, throwing two interceptions and suffering five sacks.
"Those are normal growing pains for a rookie quarterback," Mike Zimmer said. "For me, choosing a quarterback to start every week is becoming a 'growing pain.'"
Tampa wins, 20-16.
Seattle @ Carolina (+5)
Seattle lost 28-26 at St. Louis last week, suffering their second straight loss. It was Seattle's first game without Percy Harvin, who was traded to the Jets. News was rampant that Harvin clashed with several teammates and actually fought with a few.
"Harvin has a history," Pete Carroll said, "therefore, he is history. He's a selfish player. Percy played at the University of Florida. He's not from the 'U'; he's from the 'Me.' Who knew someone wanted to be the center of attention more than Richard Sherman?
"We've unloaded our baggage; now, we have to 'carry on.' That's a little airplane humor for you, which will come in handy on a cross-country flight. Hopefully, the in-flight entertainment will be something worth watching. I've got a feeling it might be reruns of a 1980s John Forsythe-Joan Collins/Linda Evans soap opera. You know, a 'Dynasty' that's run its course.'"
The Panthers were blown out 38-17 at Green Bay, suffering their third loss of the season.
"We were down 28-0 before we knew what hit us," Cam Newton said. "Next thing you know, Luke Kuechly, the heart of our defense, is getting sent to the locker room. After that, we were all 'D-jected.'
"But we feel the same way the Seahawks do about Harvin — we're just glad we don't have to deal with him."
The Seahawks take the field to chants of "Overrated!" Minutes later, the Panthers emerge from the tunnel, welcomed by a chorus of even louder "Overrated!" chants.
Seattle wins, 27-16.
Baltimore @ Cincinnati (-3)
The Bengals were shut out by the Colts 27-0 last week and are 0-2-1 in their last three games. In those three games, Cincy has given up and average of nearly 36 points.
"It's like we forgot how to win," Marvin Lewis. "That loss of memory certainly can't be attributed to concussions. Concussions are like recent Bengals playoff wins — they don't happen.
"Vontaze Burfict suffered his third concussion of the season. And he still wants to play. That's my kind of player. I told him to 'knock himself out.'"
The Ravens are one of the league's hottest teams after beating the Falcons 29-7 in a game dominated by the Baltimore defense. The Ravens forced 3 turnovers and sacked Matt Ryan 5 times.
"That's the kind of defense people expect in Baltimore," John Harbaugh said. "Attacking, hard-hitting, and showing no remorse. Just to be clear, I'm talking about our defense. But it's good to see our defense reinstated to its previous glory.
"We owe the Bengals. They beat us at our place in Week 1, and that hasn't sat well with us. We plan to let them know we're not happy. You could say we're going to 'file a grievance' against the Bengals."
Cincinnati wins, 22-20.
Miami @ Jacksonville (+5)
The Dolphins bounced back from Week 6's painful loss to the Packers with a 27-14 upset of the Bears at Chicago last week. Ryan Tannehill threw for 277 yards and 2 touchdowns and added 48 yards rushing.
"The state of Florida has three NFL teams," Tannehill said, "and I'd say we're the best. And people agree with me. Here's a petition with 20,000 signatures saying as much. I'm not sure the weight it carries, because all 20,000 signatures are Jameis Winston's."
The Jaguars won for the first time this year, dominating the visiting Browns 24-6, powered by a rushing attack that piled up 185 yards on the ground.
"It was a great day in Jacksonville," Gus Bradley said. "Fans are even taking to the streets. But only because that's the only way to leave EverBank Field."
Miami wins, 24-16.
Chicago @ New England (-6½)
The Patriots edged the Jets 27-25 last Thursday, preserving the win by blocking Nick Folk's 58-yard field goal attempt for the win. New England is 5-2, leading the AFC East.
"The Jets always test us," Tom Brady said. "We detest the Jets. Now I hear they have Percy Harvin. I look forward to playing against Harvin; I look forward to playing with him even more, when the disgruntled Jets grow tired of him in 11 months and we give them a ninth-round pick for him.
"I can't imagine one of my receivers criticizing me. If that happens, it's likely said receiver would be sent to a cold, deserted place far away. You may call it Siberia; Randy Moss calls it Minnesota.
"This is a rematch of Super Bowl XX, won by the Bears 46-3. I'm not sure if the Pats have ever properly avenged that loss. I suggest people pray for the Bears. Heck, I'll even have the Patriots personal holy man, Fryar Irving, bless them."
The Bears were dominated by the Dolphins at Soldier Field, losing 27-14 in frustrating fashion. After the game, Brandon Marshall criticized Jay Cutler, who had 2 turnovers.
"They call me 'The Umpire,'" Marshall said, "because I'm always calling people out. I'm anything but the voice of reason. I'm the voice of treason.
"As you know, I'm an avid advocate of mental health awareness. Personally, I always need to be aware where mental health is, just in case I lose my mind, which I'm prone to do."
Prior to the game, the Patriots dedicate the playing of the national anthem, performed on the world's tiniest violin, to Marshall.
Darrelle Revis gets the Marshall assignment, despite having no training in the psychiatric field. The Patriots take control when Revis picks off Cutler, despite offensive interference on Marshall, and returns it for a touchdown. Wisely, the Patriots decline the penalty, deeming it "unacceptable."
Brady throws for 278 yards and 3 touchdowns, and the Pats win, 30-24.
Buffalo @ NY Jets (-3)
The Jets fell to 1-6 with Thursday's 27-25 loss at New England, but New York's running attack showed promise, amassing 218 yards on the ground. The Jets later acquired Percy Harvin from the Seahawks in a trade.
"That's right," Rex Ryan said. "Chris Ivory looked great against the Patriots. Couple him with Harvin's bad attitude, and you have a duo called 'Enmity and Ivory.'
"Is having Harvin enough to turn this team around? I don't know, but I do know it's enough to turn this team upside down. He could either pay immediate dividends, or immediate division."
Jets win, 23-17.
Philadelphia @ Arizona (-2½)
The Cardinals host the 5-1 Eagles at University of Phoenix Stadium, site of Super Bowl XLIX in February. Arizona is 5-1 after last week's 24-13 win over the Raiders.
"There are no secrets with this team," Bruce Aryans said. "We're going to run the ball, play solid defense, and take our shots deep. And I'm gonna tell it like it is. In other words, I'm gonna shoot from the hip. And our fans dig that. That's why they're collectively known as the 'Hipsters.'"
The Eagles emerge from their bye week just a half-game behind the Cowboys in the win column in the NFC East.
"We have to be able to run the ball," Chip Kelly said. "That won't be easy against Arizona's stingy run defense. Glendale may be near the Valley of the Sun, but it won't look so bright if LeSean McCoy brings a little 'shade.' Unfortunately up to this point, LeSean's been a shadow of his former self."
Arizona wins, 30-20.
Oakland @ Cleveland (-7)
The Browns were shocked 24-6 by the previously winless Jaguars in Jacksonville last week, ending a run of two-straight victories for Cleveland. Brian Hoyer struggled, completing only 16-of-41 passes for 215 yards and an interception.
"Let's get one thing straight," Mike Pettine said. "That performance doesn't make me think of Johnny Manziel; it makes me think of Brady Quinn.
"It wouldn't be prudent to base a quarterback change on statistics from one game. That's 'premature extrapolation.' Be serious. Is Johnny Manziel a better QB right now than Brian Hoyer. That insinuation makes me 'Snicker.'"
The Raiders lost 24-13 at Arizona and are now the league's lone winless team after the Jaguars beat the Browns.
"If Al Davis were alive today," Tony Sparano said, "he would certainly express his displeasure. But since he's not, all communication comes through his Laotian houseboy, 'Down Set Hut.' And he says change must start at the top, of Al's son Mark's head. That's haircut has to go. It's dumb, and dumber."
Cleveland wins, 27-10.
Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh (+3)
The Colts blanked the visiting Bengals 27-0 last week, led by 344 yards passing and 2 touchdowns from Andrew Luck, who leads the NFL with 2,331 yards through the air.
"We gave Colts owner Jim Irsay the game ball," Luck said. "Here's hoping it doesn't end up in the impound lot."
The Steelers won on Monday night, knocking off J.J. Watt and the Texans 30-23. After falling behind 13-0, the Steelers reeled off 24 points in the final 3:08 of the first half.
"In some situations," Ben Roethlisberger said, "that would be called 'Three Minutes in Heaven.'
"Our defense will have to play lights out on Sunday. I'm sure Dick LeBeau has a special scheme for Luck and the Colts. As you may know, LeBeau invented the zone blitz. What you don't know is that Le'Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount reinvented the 'zone blitz,' which is when you sit in a parking area and get stoned."
Colts win, 31-26.
Green Bay @ New Orleans (-2)
The Saints blew a 23-10 fourth quarter lead and lost 24-23 to the Lions at Ford Field. The loss left the Saints at 2-4, just a game behind the Panthers in the NFC South.
"We've lost our way as a team," Sean Payton said. "That's why I'm offering a $10,000 bounty to anyone who can knock their heads out of their asses."
The Packers pounced on the Panthers early, building a 28-0 lead, and cruised to an easy 38-17 win. Aaron Rodgers threw 3 TD passes and Green Bay improved to 5-2.
"There was only one thing that could stop us," Rodgers said, "and that was the Panthers end zone.
"The Saints may be struggling now, but we know that can quickly change. They're a dangerous team. It's like they're one big red flag."
New Orleans wins, 27-26.
Washington @ Dallas (-9½)
The Cowboys beat the visiting Giants 31-21 last week, and now host a Washington team looking to improve on their 2-5 record. DeMarco Murray set an NFL record by rushing for 100 yards in his seventh-straight game to start the season.
"DeMarco's work ethic and performance is an inspiration to us all," Jerry Jones said. "It's great to have a running back who is uplifting instead of shoplifting.
"Everyone views me as a 'win at all costs' owner. That's mostly true. The way I feel, it's Super Bowl or bust. Now, depending on her age, I might take the 'bust.'
"I just can't say how much I'm impressed by my team. I can't stop talking about them. But what do you expect from an oil magnate? I'm a 'gusher.'"
The Redskins overcame the Titans 19-17, winning on Kai Forbath's 22-yard field goal on the game's final play. Colt McCoy replaced Kirk Cousins, who was benched after throwing 2 interceptions.
"Colt will start, I think," Jay Gruden said. "Robert Griffin III's status is still up in the air. In other words, 'I ... I ... I'm not sure when he'll be ready."
Dallas wins, 30-16.
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