Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
NY Jets @ New England (-10)
The Patriots put away the pesky Bills 37-22 and took sole possession of the lead in the AFC East. Tom Brady threw 4 touchdowns, and the Pats offense is clicking with the lowly Jets coming to Foxboro.
"Rob Gronkowski believes players who have a good game deserve to get laid," Brady said. "That's very well and good, but what about coaches? Jets' fans would argue that no one needs a release more than Rex Ryan.
"Unfortunately, you can't have a Jets/Patriots tangle without mentioning the Spygate scandal. I thought we put that incident behind us. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing about those damn dirty tapes. Of course, 'surveillance video' has taken on an entirely new meaning in the NFL this year."
The Jets gave the visiting Broncos a test, with New York eventually losing, 31-17. Geno Smith's pick-6 to Aqib Talib on the game's final play sealed the deal for the Jets.
"I thought we held our own," Ryan said. "Usually when I say that, I'm referring to our jock straps.
"I feel like I have a good relationship with the media. So I have one simple wish I'd like granted: if there are any questions about my 'last season,' please clarify whether you mean 2013 or 2014."
New England wins, 23-17.
After the game, Ryan and Bill Belichick meet at midfield and exchange history's most awkward fist bump.
Atlanta @ Baltimore (-7½)
Joe Flacco threw five first half touchdowns as the Ravens built a 38-0 lead and cruised to a 48-17 win over the Buccaneers. Flacco finished with 306 yards passing and Baltimore improved to 4-2.
"Flacco was unbelievable," Terrell Suggs said. "I'd venture to say even Roger Goodell would testify to that.
"Joe's proved himself an elite quarterback. Can Matt Ryan say that? Outside in the elements, Ryan's just ordinary. That's why we call him 'Vanilla Matty Ice.'"
The Falcons lost 27-13 to the Bears in the Georgia Dome, losing for the first time at home this season.
"Defensively," Mike Smith said, "we're lacking. Stated more bluntly, we lack a defense.
"But as the saying goes, 'A good offense is the best defense.' And that rings true for us, because we have a good offense, and our defense is best not on the field."
The Ravens dare the Falcons to run; the Falcons take "truth," and admit that they can't run. Baltimore blitzes Ryan unmercifully, and record five sacks, two by Suggs, who wins "Player of the Game" honors to go along with the title of "King," achieved at Ball So Hard University's Homecoming celebration the day before.
Baltimore wins, 30-22.
Tennessee @ Washington (-6)
The Titans held off the Jaguars 16-14 at LP Field last week as Tennessee snapped a four-game losing streak. Sammie Hill blocked a late field goal attempt to preserve the win. Now, Ken Whisenhunt's squad heads to the nation's capitol to face the reeling Redskins.
"I'm waiting to hear the status of Jake Locker," Ken Whisenhunt said. "I bet if I ascended Mount Sinai and chit-chatted with a burning bush, the good Lord would likely present me with two tablets, upon which Locker's name would be etched on the injury report in stone."
Washington is 1-5 after last week's 30-20 loss at Arizona last week. Kirk Cousins threw three fourth quarter interceptions as the 'Skins faded late.
"Cousins has thrown 8 interceptions," Jay Gruden said. "That the most in the NFL. I'm not sure I have the nerve to bench him though. Therefore, I'm sending Pierre Garcon to give him the 'yank.'
"I'll tell you who's really suffering in Washington. Scalpers. We're just not a good team, and that's something you can take at face value."
Alfred Morris carries the load, with 98 yards on the ground and a touchdown. Washington's defense records 5 sacks and 2 turnovers.
Washington wins, 29-13.
Seattle @ St. Louis (+6½)
The Cowboys stunned the Seahawks 30-23 at CenturyLink Field, handing Seattle only their second home loss in their last 19 games. Seattle is 3-2 and will look to regroup against the Rams in St. Louis.
"The Cowboys slapped us right in the face," Pete Carroll said. "Even my gum's never been smacked around like that. I guess I just received a reality check. That felt weird, because I'm usually the one handing out the checks.
"Maybe we took the Cowboys too lightly. But that won't be the case in St. Louis. From this point forward, we won't underestimate anyone. Hopefully, we'll go out and play with chips on our shoulders, as opposed to chips in our shoulder pads. That's how the NFL tracks players' positions on the field. They say Big Brother is watching. Of course, Big Brother may have no knowledge of the video."
The Rams blew an early 14-0 lead against the 49ers last week and lost 31-14 to fall to 1-4. With plenty of time to throw, Colin Kaepernick threw for 343 yards and 3 touchdowns.
"We didn't sack Kaepernick at all," James Lauriniatis said. "In fact, we only have one sack on the year. Road Warrior Hawk always said 'What a rush!' Now, our lack of sacks has my father, Road Warrior Animal, asking 'Where's a rush?'
"We won't shy away from Richard Sherman. Sure, he's arguably the league's best cornerback, and he's the new face of Campbell's Chunky Soup. He's the NFL's 'Soupy Sales.'"
The Seahawks exorcise their demons on the Rams, and exercise their right to free assembly, which they hold five times in the Rams end zone.
Seattle wins, 38-10.
Cleveland @ Jacksonville (+4)
The Browns whipped the visiting Steelers 31-10 last week, delighting the Dawg Pound at Cleveland Municipal Stadium. Cleveland pounded the Steelers with 158 yards on the ground and 3 scores.
"You could say we 'Art Modell-ed' the Steelers defense," Mike Pettine said, "because we moved them without any regard to their personal feelings whatsoever. With that dominating performance, I think you can once and for all close the 'curtain' on the notion that the Steelers have a dominating defense.
"It's going to be a warm day in Jacksonville. Back home, we'd call this kind of weather a 'Cleveland Steamer.' Luckily, EverBank Field has a swimming pool where fans can watch the game. It's a great place to catch a game, as well as any number of communicable diseases."
Jacksonville is 0-6 on the year after falling 16-14 at Tennessee last week. Blake Bortles threw for 336 yards and a score, but his effort fell short as Josh Scobee's 55-yard field attempt was blocked.
"Blake is playing with poise and maturity usually not seen in a rookie," Gus Bradley said, "or a Jets quarterback. His future's so bright, he should request a trade."
Cleveland wins, 30-14.
Cincinnati @ Indianapolis (-3)
The Colts hold the outright lead in the AFC South after last week's 33-28 win at Houston. T.Y. Hilton had 9 receptions for a career-high 223 yards and a touchdown as Indy bolted to a 24-0 lead and held on for the win.
"T.Y.'s become my go-to receiver," Andrew Luck said, "and a household name. I think there could be some endorsement deals headed his way. Let's just hope one of those isn't endorsing Lucas Oil's foray into the field of personal lubricants. I doubt Hilton would want his name associated with a product called 'T.Y. Jelly.'
"But speaking of well-oiled machinery, we are certainly that. And now that Robert Irsay is back in the stands, look out. He may be my biggest supporter. However, I wish he'd choose his words more carefully before calling me Indy's "Prescription For Success.'"
Mike Nugent missed a 36-yard field goal on the last play of overtime, and the Bengals settled for a 37-37 tie with the visiting Panthers.
"Nugent's only 8-of-13 on the year in field goals," Marvin Lewis. "That's unacceptable. So don't be surprised if he goes 'missing' from the roster.
"But there's another issue dogging us. The Panthers have accused Vontaze Burfict of trying to injure some of their players. We really can't afford to lose Vontaze. That would really throw a 'wrench' into our defensive plans."
There are questions that will be answered on Sunday at Lucas Oil Stadium. For example, how will the Colts offense fare against a real defense? Or do the Bengals have a real defense?
Cincinnati wins, 30-28.
Minnesota @ Buffalo (-4)
They're calling this the "Empty Bowl," a contest between two teams that have combined for eight Super Bowl losses.
"Hey," Doug Marrone said, "the last thing this franchise wants is sympathy. We don't want to be anyone's charity case. Well, except maybe for Adrian Peterson's. His sounds like real fun.
"The sale of the Bills to Terry and Kim Pegula was approved for $1.4 billion. That's some healthy scratch. You hear that, Mike Williams? I said 'healthy scratch.' As you wanted, we're entertaining trade offers. It's entertaining for the other teams, because they're laughing at our offers."
The Vikes lost 17-3 to Detroit in Teddy Bridgewater's first start. Bridgewater threw 3 interceptions and was sacked 8 times by the Lions.
"There were mistakes all around," Mike Zimmer said. "It was an orgy of errors.
"I'm not sure if Teddy was ready to start, but out of sheer necessity, we threw him to the Lions anyway.
"I'll need to see more effort and desire from our players. Being a Viking player requires unwavering commitment and a work ethic that borders on the fanatical job. It's an 'All Day' job, much like fielding unending questions about Adrian Peterson."
The Bills control the clock on the ground with the duo of Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller. Buffalo's defense holds the Vikes to 250 yards of total offense.
Buffalo wins, 27-16.
Miami @ Chicago (-4)
The Dolphins had the Packers on the ropes in Miami, but Aaron Rodgers 3-yard TD pass to Andrew Quarless gave the Packers a 27-24 win. The Dolphins fell to 2-3, and 1-2 at Sun Life Stadium.
"We just couldn't run out the clock on our last possession," Joe Philbin said. "That's something that will stay with me. In fact, I can hear the clock ticking now.
"Rodgers really caught us off guard with the 'fake spike' play. I doubt we'll see anything like that in Chicago from Jay Cutler. The only worthwhile 'spike' in the Windy City was the hairdo of that punky QB known as McMahon. He was cool. Cutler is too cool."
The Bears racked up 368 yards of total offense and played turnover-free in a 27-13 win over the Falcons at the Georgia Dome. Matt Forte rushed for 2 scores, and Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery both had over 100 yards receiving.
"Our offense can stretch the field," Marc Trestman said. "It can also stretch the truth, by making people believe we can win the Super Bowl."
Chicago wins, 27-24.
New Orleans @ Detroit (-4)
The Saints return from a bye week, eager to play like the team many considered a Super Bowl favorite in the preseason. New Orleans is 2-3, a half-game behind the Panthers in the NFC South.
"A bye week is just what we needed," Sean Payton said. "I even gave our defense an extra day off. And it was a mandatory day off. They weren't even allowed in the building. It was their first 'shutout' of the season."
The Lions whipped the Vikings 17-3 at Minnesota last week, forcing three Teddy Bridgewater interceptions and making life generally miserable Mike Zimmer's team.
"We've got the fourth-best defense in the NFL," Jim Caldwell said. "Our defense has really carried us this year in every game. In the past, when 'defense' and 'Detroit Lions' were mentioned this much, it was bound to be uttered in a sentence from the lawyer of Titus Young."
New Orleans wins, 27-26.
Carolina @ Green Bay (-7½)
The Panthers escaped Cincinnati with a 37-37 tie with the Bengals, thanks to Mike Nugent's missed 36-yard field goal, which would have given Cincy the win. Carolina leads the NFC South with a 3-2-1 record and will face a tough test at Green Bay.
"Thanks to Shayne Graham for the miss," Ron Rivera said. "I just wonder if the Bengals will be saying 'Shayne! Come back!'
"It's never easy winning at Lambeau Field. It may be the NFL's most historic stadium. Everybody knows it's named for Packer Legend Curly Lambeau, who was involved in the franchise as founder, player, and coach for nearly 40 years. What most people don't know is that Curly had a brother named 'Short,' and their venture into the restaurant business, called 'Short and Curly's,' lasted less than a day."
Aaron Rodgers' 3-yard scoring strike to Andrew Quarless with three seconds left gave the Packers a thrilling 27-24 win at Miami last week. It was Rodgers third TD pass and lifted Green Bay to its third consecutive win.
"That's was truly a heart-stopping win," Rodgers said. "You could even call it 'hair-raising.' Brett Favre might call it 'hair-razing.'
"Now, if you're a Packers fan, and exciting finishes leave you irregular, just remember, 'Aaron Says Ex Lax.'"
Green Bay wins, 30-27.
Kansas City @ San Diego (-4)
The Chiefs had a Week 6 bye and used every bit of it to prepare for the Chargers, who are tied for the AFC West lead with the 4-1 Broncos.
"It's tough for anyone to play in San Diego," Alex Smith said. "I find it even more distressing, but only because I'm that much closer to Jim Harbaugh. It's not often a football player quotes Sting of The Police, but here goes: 'I don't hate Harbaugh, just his guts."
The Chargers left Oakland with a hard-fought 31-28 victory, and now ready themselves for consecutive games against the Chiefs and Broncos.
"Indeed," Rivers said. "We escaped Oakland and the 'Black Hole.' What a dump. Does anyone like playing in Oakland? Yes, they're called the 'visitors.'"
The Chiefs catch the Chargers looking ahead to their showdown with the Broncos and pull the upset.
Kansas City wins, 23-21.
Arizona @ Oakland (+3½)
Carson Palmer returned from a shoulder injury to lead the Cardinals to a 30-20 win over the visiting Redskins last week.
"What a gutsy performance by Carson," Bruce Aryans said. "He's struggled with a shoulder issue all season. He's still not 100%. I'd say he's at 85%. Carson jokingly calls that 'Ocho Cinco De Maybe.'"
The Raiders began the Tony Sparano era with a 31-28 loss to the Chargers last week. Derek Carr threw 4 touchdown passes, but the Raiders could not stop Philip Rivers, who torched them for 313 yards and 3 scores.
"I liked what I saw from Carr," Sparano said. "He looked like he belonged. On that note, I feel like I belong as well. Unfortunately, for Raiders coaches, history says it won't 'be long' before I'm gone.
"I'm done burying footballs. If you want to see 'dirtballs' in Oakland, just look in the stands at O.co Stadium. It's full of them."
Arizona wins, 28-17.
NY Giants @ Dallas (-6½)
The Giants were pounded 27-0 by the Eagles on Sunday night, as Eli Manning was hounded mercilessly, suffering 6 sacks and 7 hits.
"Eli spent more time on the turf than he did on his feet," Tom Coughlin said. "Right now, he 'can't stand' his offensive line.
"But I expect Eli to play well against in Dallas. He did last year, throwing for 450 yards and 3 touchdowns. Of all the 'one-star' performances in Eli's history, that's one I can live with."
The Cowboys rolled into Seattle's CenturyLink Field and left with a mildly surprising 30-23 win. DeMarco Murray rushed for 115 yards and became only the second back to start the season with six 100-yard rushing games.
"DeMarco joins Jim Brown in that club," Tony Romo said. "And DeMarco has his sights set on Eric Dickerson's NFL single-season rushing record of 2,105. With a nod to Brown's acting career, DeMarco has a message for Dickerson: 'I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka.'
"I expect the Giants to rebound strongly from their shutout loss in Philadelphia. I know Tom Coughlin has a zero-tolerance policy in regards to a zero-scoreboard."
Murray rushes for 125 yards and a score, and Dan Bailey kicks the game-winner with a minute left in the game. Murray gets the game ball, and his backup, cologne and underwear thief Joseph Randle, gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein.
Dallas wins, 26-23.
San Francisco @ Denver (-7½)
Peyton Manning continues pursuit of Brett Favre's career passing touchdown mark of 508 TDs. With three in Denver's 31-17 win over the Jets last week, Manning is just two shy of the record.
"I know I have Favre's blessing," Manning said. "Brett even sent me a text that explicitly stated his wants and desires.
"I know the record won't come easy, if it comes at all. The 49ers defense is very tough, and they don't make mistakes, at least not on the field."
The 49ers overcame a slow start at St. Louis on Monday night and finished off the Rams 31-17.
"Montana, Elway, Young, Manning," Colin Kaepernick said. "Those are the names of 49er and Bronco greats. Now, if I were to mention my name with theirs, it would truly be 'inappropriate language.'
"Trust me, I've learned my lesson in other areas as well, like which headphones to wear. I've even suggested an awareness campaign the NFL should implement to insure everyone knows the deal. I call it 'Knows Bose.'"
Is this a Super Bowl XLIX preview? Possibly. But the season is young, and the only thing we know about the Super Bowl is that Katy Perry will be there. Here's hoping for two things: a wardrobe malfunction, and that the Super Bowl XLIX halftime show is titled "Super Bowl DD."
Denver wins, 29-24.
Houston @ Pittsburgh (-3½)
The Steelers are 3-3 after last week's 31-10 loss at Cleveland. Pittsburgh has won every other game this season and expectedly, inconsistency on a week-to-week basis in the major problem facing the team.
"My greatest asset is my ability to say all the right things without actually doing anything," Mike Tomlin said. "That makes me a great coach, as well as a top candidate to be the next NFL commissioner."
Despite a dominant performance from J.J. Watt, the Texans could not overcome a 24-0 first quarter hole to the Colts, losing 33-28. Watt had two sacks, four passes defended, and returned a fumble 45 yards for a touchdown.
"Every game is Christmas for me when Watt plays," Bill O'Brien said. "Every game is Halloween for opposing offenses, because Watt is a terror, a nightmare, and a monster."
Pittsburgh wins, 26-24.
Leave a Comment