Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Indianapolis @ Houston (+2½)
The AFC South lead is on the line when the 3-2 Colts head to NRG Stadium to face the 3-2 Texans.
"They say everything is bigger in Texas," J.J. Watt said. "And this game is no exception. It's huge. Andrew Luck is a big draw. Tickets are going for over $500 a pop. People will pay good money to see a real quarterback. Obviously, the Texans won't.
"But I don't mean to knock Ryan Fitzpatrick. He's even got a little bit of luck in him. That would be the luck of the Irish, however. I'm not sure an Irish quarterback has ever made much of an impact in the NFL. Legend says that a black Irishman named Ronald O'Mexico was once a terror in the league, and public health clinics."
The Colts shot down the visiting Ravens last week, and surprisingly, Indy relied on its defense to serve as catalyst.
"Our defense shows up about once every four games," Andrew Luck. "Peyton Manning would tell you that's more often than Bob Sanders.
"But like Sanders, Watt can single-handedly impact a game. Obviously, all eyes will be on him. But I trust my offensive linemen. We've got five of them, and it will take every one to equal Watt. At least in salary.
"But let's face it. Watt's the only Texan that scares us. There's nothing that screams 'playoffs' about them, except for maybe Fitzpatrick's beard."
Arian Foster posts 156 total yards and a touchdown, and the inspired Texans defend their home turf.
Houston wins, 27-24.
Jacksonville @ Tennessee (-6)
The Titans blew a 25-point lead in a 29-28 loss to the Browns at LP Field last week. Tennessee led 28-3 late in the second quarter, but went scoreless in the second half, due in part to a thump injury to Jake Locker.
"Jake's been a fixture on the injury report," Ken Whisenhunt said. "Speaking of fixtures, what the least-utilized one in our dressing room? That would be 'Jake's locker.'
"But our fortunes are up. The Jags are giving up 36 points per game away from home. We're hosting the Jaguars, so you don't have to be in Jacksonville to say you're in Jaguars territory."
The Jaguars hung tough against the visiting Steelers last week, eventually falling 17-9. The Jags defense held the Steelers to 261 yards of total offense, but their offense provided little to no help.
"We can't expect Blake Bortles to do it all," Gus Bradley said. "We need more from our running game. We managed only 56 yards on the ground. Our prized free agent acquisition, Toby Gerhart, had nine yards on four carries. Toby graduated from Stanford, which is well known as the pipeline of white players in the NFL. That's why they call it 'The Mighty White of U.'"
Tennessee wins, 26-14.
Baltimore @ Tampa Bay (+3½)
The Bucs let a 31-20 fourth quarter lead slip away at New Orleans before losing 37-31 in overtime. Tampa committed 15 penalties, and remained winless at New Orleans since 2010.
"It appears our attempts to 'buck a trend' have become a 'Buc trend,'" Lovie Smith said. "Apparently in the Superdome, the Saints not only have our number, they have our letter. It's an 'L.'"
"But I see plenty of potential in this team. And I choose to be an optimist, not a pessimist. Former Bucs great Warren Sapp would see the spit cup half-full, not half-empty."
The Ravens offense sputtered in a 20-13 loss at Indianapolis last week, as Baltimore generated only 287 yards of total offense.
"After averaging 29 points in our last three games," John Harbaugh said, "our offense went missing like a Ray Rice video, or a Ray Lewis suit, or Steve Bisciotti's natural skin color, or a Torrey Smith reception."
Tampa wins, 22-20.
Denver @ NY Jets (+8)
Peyton Manning threw his 500th career touchdown pass, an early strike to Julius Thomas, and threw three more in the Broncos' 41-20 over the visiting Cardinals last week.
"Indeed," Manning said. "It was 500, and then some, which is the same thing you could say about the Arizona defense. But my teammates were great about urging me on. Even Matt Prater called to say 'cheers.'
"This our first trip back to MetLife Stadium since last February. Let's hope there's no repeat of what happened last time. I'm not sure I can stand to see Joe Namath in a pimp's fur coat again."
The Jets were shut down and shut out 31-0 by the Chargers last week. Geno Smith was benched in favor of Michael Vick, who was equally as ineffective.
"I'm not too proud to say that we will be called 'The New York Suck Exchange,'" Rex Ryan said. "Somewhere, Mark Sanchez is smiling. Probably because he's dating a 17-year-old.
"Smith did indeed miss a meeting in San Diego last week. We can forgive that, just as we could forgive him missing a flight, or a start.
"It must be nice to have a quarterback like Manning. But let me ask this. With four neck surgeries under his belt, does Manning really want to be chanting 'losing feeling in my toes' in a Nationwide Insurance commercial?"
Before kickoff, Manning greets former Bronco Eric Decker with a hug at midfield, and it takes nine of Manning's teammates to pull Decker away.
You can again expect foul language in MetLife Stadium, because Smith is still the starter, so the "Curse of Geno" is still alive.
Denver wins, 30-13.
Detroit @ Minnesota (+1½)
The Vikings were leveled 42-10 by the Packers last Thursday night. Christian Ponder, starting for the injured Teddy Bridgewater, was overwhelmed, with two interceptions and a QBR of 4.9.
"We've analyzed Ponder's mechanics," Mike Zimmer said, "and determined that his problems are not because of his grip. Christian's a Florida State quarterback, and everybody knows Seminole QB's have sticky fingers. Unfortunately, no matter how good his grip, Christian just can't seem to grasp the playbook.
"But I'd be interested to see how Jameis Winston fared in Minnesota. One thing's for sure: if he takes a cruise on Lake Minnetonka, he'll get all the crabs he needs."
Detroit saw a 14-0 lead disappear last week at Ford Field, as the Bills charged back to win 17-14 on Dan Carpenter's 58-yard field goal with four seconds left. The loss dropped the Lions to 3-2, tied with the Packers for the lead in the NFC North.
"What a win for Jim Schwartz," Jim Caldwell said. "Schwartz is now the defensive coordinator in Buffalo, and was carried off the field by his players. He once got carried off the field by his players in Detroit, and deposited just across the city line.
"But let's not overanalyze this loss. Alex Henery missed three field goals. That's why we lost. Henery can't kick straight, but I can tell you what is straight — his trip to waivers."
"Calvin Johnson is out with an ankle injury, but Golden Tate has more than picked up the slack. Tate has 31 receptions, fifth in the league. So, to all you fantasy owners, Matthew Stafford likes to "make it rain" towards Tate. And who doesn't want to see a 'Golden' shower??
Detroit wins, 22-13. The Lions carry Caldwell off the field, and each player on the roster gives him a pat on the back.
New England @ Buffalo (+3)
The Patriots bounced back from their disastrous Monday night loss at Kansas City with a 43-17 dismantling of the previously undefeated Bengals. Tom Brady threw 2 touchdown passes and Stephen Gostkowski kicked 5 field goals.
"Is there anyone doubting us now?" Brady said. "I doubt it.
"We just put ourselves back in the Super Bowl picture. We had the Bengals well-scouted. We knew exactly what they were going to do. And it was all legal. We don't need to watch bootleg film to learn how to beat Cincy, just their playoff games."
In his first start as a Bill, Kyle Orton threw for 308 yards and a touchdown in Buffalo's come-from-behind, 17-14 win in Detroit.
"This is the biggest game for the Bills in quite a while," Orton said. "But I hesitate to call it 'our Super Bowl.' I know this franchise has been so close to ultimate glory in years past, only to come up short. But I suggest fans hold to the same motto I live by: 'don't stop believing.' Ask anyone, particularly NFL GMs — hey'll tell you I'm a 'Journey-man.'"
The laser-focused Bills upset the Patriots 23-20. Fred Jackson rushes for 75 yards and scores the game-winning TD on a 12-yard pass from Orton.
Carolina @ Cincinnati (-7½)
The Panthers snapped their two-game losing streak with a 31-24 win over the visiting Bears last week. Cam Newton threw 2 TD passes to Greg Olsen, and the Carolina defense forced 4 Chicago turnovers.
"Chicago let Olsen walk three years ago when they traded him," Newton said. "On Sunday, they let him run, to any open spot he wanted. Chicago found out that even though he's wearing a Panther uniform, Olsen is still a 'bear' to defend.
"As you may know, I've had some trouble dealing with the after effects of having my wisdom teeth taken out. Suffice it to say my dentist was pulling for the Panthers."
The Bengals were humbled 43-17 last week, stung by a Patriots team intent on proving itself. Cincy was never in the game and lost for the first time this year.
"I can't say how we'd perform with a laser pointed at us," Andy Dalton said, "but I do know we don't do well under the 'spotlight.'
"On a side note, I love the autumn weather in Cincinnati. It's not too hot. It's not too cold. It's just right. And I feel I'm at my best during this time. I like to call it the 'regular season.'"
Cincinnati wins, 23-17.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland (-2)
Brian Hoyer and Travis Benjamin hooked up for two fourth quarter scores, capping a Cleveland comeback from a 28-3 deficit in a 29-28 win over the Titans last week.
"That was such a dramatic and heart-stopping comeback," Mike Pettine said. "I think Bernie Kosar would be proud of that, because everyone was 'spent' afterwards.
"But emotions won't be the only thing that is high against the Steelers. Josh Gordon plans to attend the game. Josh briefly considered playing in the Canadian Football League until the NFL shot down that idea. He also flirted with the notion of playing in the National Hockey League, preferably with the Montreal Canadiens. The NFL quashed that idea as well, in an email addressed to Gordon with the subject line 'Re: Hab.'"
The Steelers defense carried the load in a 17-9 win at Jacksonville last week, holding the Jags to only 56 yards rushing and scoring on Brice McCain's 22-yard interception return.
"If the Pittsburgh defense of the 1970's was the 'Steel Curtain,'" Ben Roethlisberger said, "then our defense against the Jags would have to be the 'Steel Drapes.' And judging by the dominance of both, I'd say the 'Curtain' matches the 'Drapes.'
"I hear Manziel has volunteered to counsel Jameis Winston. I'm not sure that's a very good idea. That would be like me volunteering to remodel a bathroom. In both cases, the result would be someone getting locked up."
Cleveland wins, 24-19.
Green Bay @ Miami (+3½)
The Packers slammed the Vikings 42-10 last week as Eddie Lacy rushed for 2 scores and Aaron Rodgers passed for 3. They'll face the Dolphins, whose last outing was a 38-14 win over the Raiders in London.
"The 'Fins said goodbye to the 'Queen Mother,'" Rodgers said. "Now it's time to say 'hello' to the 'King Daddy.' That's me. I've got my swagger back, and we're taking our talents to South Beach. I hear that's where people go to 'R-E-L-A-X.'"
The Dolphins enjoyed a bye week, especially since all three AFC East counterparts lost. The Dolphins are 2-2, one game behind the Patriots and Bills in the AFC East.
"You know who's experiencing jet lag?" Joe Philbin said. "The AFC East, because New York is in last place.
"Our intent is to run the ball right at the Packers defense. They have the worst run defense in the NFL. Hopefully, our offensive line will harass the defense, and not themselves."
Miami wins, 27-24.
San Diego @ Oakland (+7)
After their 38-14 loss to the Dolphins in London, the Raiders made a coaching change, firing Dennis Allen and naming Tony Sparano interim head coach.
"That's Tony Sparano," Raiders owner Mark Davis said, "not Tony Soprano. But just look at our roster. Either way, he's dealing with garbage.
"Take a look at the list of Raiders coaches since my father died. It reads like a who's who of 'coaches who say that getting fired from the Oakland job was the best thing that ever happened to them.' Take 'Tom the Cable Guy,' for example. He's the offensive line coach for the Seahawks. They love him there, and he's got a Super Bowl ring. If they dug a hole for Cable in Oakland, he would bury his past in it."
The Chargers dominated the Jets, winning 31-0 to improve to 3-1. Philip Rivers threw 2 touchdown passes to Antonio Gates, the duo's fifth scoring hookup of the year.
"When playing the Jets or the Raiders," Rivers said, "you need a good nose guard, because it stinks.
"But Sparano may breathe new life into the Raiders. He buried a football to symbolically put their first four games behind them. It was the first sign of a ground game the Raiders showed all year."
San Diego wins, 27-10.
Chicago @ Atlanta (-3½)
The Falcons lost 30-20 to the Giants at MetLife Stadium, and are now 2-3 in the wide open NFC South. Atlanta gambled late on fourth in their own territory, and Matt Ryan was sacked, essentially ending the Falcons' hopes.
"If Ron Rivera is 'Riverboat Ron,'" Ryan said, "Mike Smith's nautically-themed boat of choice would be a 'dinghy,' and he'd be wet because, much like his need to gamble on fourth down, he's gone 'overboard.'"
The Bears blew a chance to forge a three-way tie atop the NFC North, blowing a 21-7 lead at Carolina and losing, 31-24.
"I see a lot of similarities in the Falcons and Bears," Marc Trestman said. "I see two teams headed in the same direction, and that's toward the hiring of a new defensive coordinator."
Brandon Marshall pays homage to former Falcon Billy "White Shoes" Johnson and shows up in the Georgia Dome in a pair of snow-white cleats. Surprisingly, he is fined $25,000, the first time in league history a player has been fined for being too white.
Ryan passes for 343 yards and 3 scores, out-dueling Cutler's 315 and two. Atlanta wins, 41-38.
Dallas @ Seattle (-8)
The Cowboys head to Seattle riding the momentum of the four-game winning streak, the latest triumph a 20-17 overtime win over the Texans.
"The Seahawks have the 'Legion of Boom,'" Tony Romo said. "But we have the NFL's leading rusher and a massive offensive line. Seattle may boast the 'LOB,' but we have the 'LODe.' That's DeMarco Murray. When you think of DeMarco, you say 'hand off.' When you think of Jerry Jones, you say 'hands off.'
"I probably won't even be able to hear myself think at CenturyLink Field. It will be just like playing in Dallas."
Seattle wins, 33-21.
Washington @ Arizona (-4)
The Cardinals hung with the Broncos for three quarters before wilting in the Denver altitude in a 41-20 loss. It was Arizona's first loss of the season, and they may be down to their third-string quarterback after Drew Stanton suffered a concussion.
"Carson Palmer is receiving treatment for his shoulder as we speak," Bruce Aryans said. "You know, he doesn't have much sensation in his right shoulder. But I'm sure it can be overcome, because it has before. When Carson was in Cincinnati, he said, 'I'm not feeling it.' When he was in Oakland, he said, 'I'm not feeling it.'"
Arizona wins, 27-20.
NY Giants @ Philadelphia (-2½)
The Giants have quickly dispelled their early season troubles and are now 3-2 in the NFC East, just one game behind the Eagles and Cowboys. New York dropped the Falcons 30-20 last week behind a two touchdown, mistake-free day from Eli Manning.
"How about that Ole Miss upset of Alabama?" Manning said. "I could barely contain my excitement. Luckily I did, because New Jersey is not the place to fly your rebel flag."
The Eagles nearly blew a 34-7 lead to the Rams, but made a late defensive stand to preserve a 34-28 win. The Eagles share the NFC East lead with the 4-1 Cowboys.
"LeSean McCoy took himself out of the game on our last drive," Foles said. "I think everyone's reaction was, 'For real, McCoy?'
"But Darren Sproles picked up the slack. This team thrives on teamwork. I haven't felt this kind of camaraderie since I played drums in my brother Ben's band. That quintet was called 'The Ben Foles 5.'"
It's "Joe Pisarcik Day" at Lincoln Financial Field, featuring a most famous giveaway — a signed Herman Edward's football.
New York wins, 30-27.
San Francisco @ St. Louis (+3½)
The Rams comeback fell short in Philadelphia, as a 34-7 hole proved too much to overcome in a 34-28 loss to the Eagles. St. Louis is 1-3, dead last in the NFC West.
"A 1-5 start was not what we envisioned," Jeff Fisher said. "Certainly not our 0-2 record at home. Maybe expectations were too high. It seems the Edward Jones Dome became the 'Edward 'Too Tall' Jones Dome.'"
The 49ers turned back Alex Smith and the Chiefs 22-17 at Levi's Stadium, paced by a Frank Gore-led rushing attack that help San Fran dominate time of possession.
"Speaking of 'time of possession,'" Jim Harbaugh said, "I'm not sure how much longer this team will have me as their coach. But I'm a very talented coach. There's not another coach like me. On my Facebook account, I had a lot of players 'unlike' me."
San Francisco wins, 24-17.
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