Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Minnesota @ Green Bay (-9)
The Packers walloped the home-standing Bears 38-17 at Soldier Field last week, giving the team and fans a much-needed confidence boost. Aaron Rodgers tossed 4 touchdowns as Green Bay pulled away in the second half. The Packers host the Vikings at Lambeau Field on Thursday Night Football.
"We made a statement," Rodgers said. "That statement was punctuated by an exclamation point. Our defense made a statement, as well, one that was punctuated by a question mark. They gave up nearly 500 yards of total offense. That seems excessive. Obviously, our defense has holes to fill. Unfortunately, filling them with opposing running backs is not the answer.
"Of course, Adrian Peterson is not playing, and our defense will adjust accordingly, by thanking their lucky stars. Peterson is a game-changer. Because of him, 'down by contact' has become a statistic, and not just a rule."
The Vikes whipped the visiting Falcons 41-28 last week and are now 2-2 and just one game behind the Lions in the NFC North. Rookie Teddy Bridgewater, making his first NFL start, posted 317 yards passing and a rushing score.
"We were inspired by a motivational text from Peterson," Bridgewater said. "Hopefully, Adrian won't be chastised for 'hitting' 'Send.'
"I'm nursing a sprained ankle, but I plan to play. No disrespect, but If I hobble onto Lambeau Field, then I can say I did something Brett Favre did. Just to be safe, I plan to send some lewd texts to an innocent female."
Rodgers new State Farm ad debuts on the big screen at halftime, featuring Hans, Franz, and Colts safety LaRon Landry.
Back on the field, the Packers give Bridgewater something the Falcons couldn't: a proper welcome to the NFL. Green Bay sacks Bridgewater three times, and the rookie QB re-injures his ankle running from Clay Matthews. Bridgewater retires, for the night, then jets to the locker room for an examination.
Green Bay wins, 34-20.
Chicago @ Carolina (-2½)
After starting the season 2-0, the Panthers have lost two in a row, the latest a 38-17 setback at Baltimore last week. Former Panther Steve Smith torched the Panthers for 139 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns.
"Like this team made it clear this offseason," Ron Rivera said, "we can do without Steve Smith's contributions.
"We gave up only 21 points in our first two games, but 75 points in our last two. That just won't cut it. Luke Kuechly leads the NFL in tackles, so he's all over the place, much like our defense."
Despite piling up almost 500 yards of offense, the Bears lost 38-17 at home to the Packers. Two Jay Cutler interceptions proved costly, and the Bears fell to 2-2.
"I'm a gunslinger," Cutler said. "And this gunslinger throws bullets. Sometimes, when those bullets don't hit the target, I get upset, and start throwing other things. Like hissy fits, or tantrums, or coaches under the bus, or engagements out the window.
"But we should be able to run against the Panthers because Matt Forte is really good and the Panthers run defense is not so the matchup appears to be in our favor. That's what you call a 'run-on' sentence."
Can the Panthers correct their defensive issues, and for that matter, can they find any semblance of a running game? Whereas Mike Tolbert is fat, injuries have left the Panthers thin at the position. It's on Cam Newton to pick up the slack.
Newton tweets a pre-game picture of him in a phone booth, leading to a lot of tweets asking, "what does that mean?" and, "where did you find a phone booth?"
Newton retweets a revised photo of him emerging from the phone booth in a Superman suit, then comes to the team's rescue with 2 passing scores and a rush score. Roman Harper picks off Cutler late in the fourth to end the Bears potential game-winning drive.
Carolina wins, 24-20.
Cleveland @ Tennessee (-1½)
With Jake Locker out with a wrist injury, the Titans struggled at Indianapolis, falling 41-17. Charlie Whitehurst and rookie Zach Mettenberger combined for only 176 yards passing and 2 interceptions.
"Jake has a history of injuries," Ken Whisenhunt said. "Nashville is known for the Grand Ole Opry. It's also known for the 'Same Ole Locker.'
"Offensively, we couldn't get anything going. If Buddy Ryan were alive today, he'd likely try to punch our offensive coordinator. And I doubt anyone would be able to stop him — certainly not our defense."
The Browns' Week 4 bye afforded them an extra week of rest and preparation, and an extra week for fans to wildly speculate when Johnny Manziel will start.
"I'm not ready to hand Johnny the keys to our offense," Mike Pettine said, "because it might end up in Las Vegas. Maybe if he learns to cozy up to the playbook as tightly as he does to the bar, then he might earn the starting position.
"But let's face it. I think everyone knows Johnny will be starting at some point. You know it, I know it, Brian Hoyer knows it. In regards to Johnny Football, Hoyer hears 'Johnny Footsteps.'"
Manziel enters the game late in the third quarter, and the LP Field crowd showers him with boos, as well as Snickers bars, some not even in the wrapper.
The Browns defense sets the tone, forcing three turnovers, and Cleveland wins, 22-20.
St. Louis @ Philadelphia (-7)
The Rams enjoyed a bye week to regroup after a 1-2 start, and head to Philly to face an Eagles squad with issues on their offensive line.
"We plan to follow the same game plan the 49ers employed," Jeff Fisher said. "Stop the run, and make Nick Foles beat us. Hopefully, we can get some pressure on the quarterback. So far this season, we've got one sack. The optimist in me likes to call that our 'No. 1-ranked defense.'"
The Eagles managed only 213 yards on offense, including a mere 22 on the ground, in a 26-21 loss in San Francisco. It was Philly's first loss of the year and
"We didn't even score an offensive touchdown," Chip Kelly said. "We couldn't even punch it in from the 49ers' one-yard line. That was an impressive goal-line stand by the home team. In San Francisco, they call that a 'can't stand,' which is a term you hear there a lot these days.
"But I expect our offense to get back in high gear against the Rams. Sure, LeSean McCoy is off to a slow start, but defenses are scheming to stop him, which opens up other areas of the offense. We're 3-1, so LeSean McCoy may remain 'LeSean DeCoy' for the time being."
Philadelphia wins, 30-25.
Atlanta @ NY Giants (-4½)
Eli Manning was near flawless in a 45-14 win over the Redskins last week, throwing for four touchdowns, three to Larry Donnell, and rushing for one score. The G-Men look to stay hot as the Falcons visit MetLife Stadium.
"That was just another in many 'head-shaking' performances from Manning," Tom Coughlin said. I've always been quick to defend Eli. How quickly, you may ask? Well, faster than Lawrence Taylor to the quarterback, or out of rehab."
The Falcons outdoor woes continued at Minnesota, as the Vikings put a 41-28 beating on Matt Ryan and his cohorts. Both of Atlanta's losses have come outdoors, while their two wins were at home.
"Then we should do well on Sunday," Ryan said, "because if fans are any indication, MetLife Stadium is home to 'fair-weather.' At least I'm being honest when I say 'the sky's the limit' for us.
"Offensively, we need to stretch the field against the Giants defense. Defensively, we need to simply stretch, because injuries are taking their toll."
The G-Men lean on their running game against the depleted Falcon's defense. Rashad Jennings rushes for 120 yards and a score.
New York wins, 27-24.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (-11)
The Bucs won for the first time, stunning the Steelers at Heinz Field on Mike Glennon's 5-yard touchdown pass to Vincent Jackson with seven seconds left.
"We call that the 'Hail Vincent,'" Lovie Smith said. "Or a 'Jackson 5.'
"This could be a season-defining win for us. Up until that point, if you defined our season, you would have said 'fall.'
"Our first order of business is stopping Jimmy Graham. And we'll go to great lengths to do it. To all of you fantasy owners of Graham — you might want to sit him. This week, a big game from Graham is no slam dunk."
The Saints looked inept in last Sunday's 38-17 loss in Dallas. New Orleans gave up 24 first half points and never got closer than 14 in falling to 1-3 and 0-3 on the road.
"We haven't been good on offense," Sean Payton said. "We've been even worse on defense. There are a lot of questions I want answered, like 'Can one place a bounty on a defensive coordinator?'"
Well, Sean, the answer is yes. But if you do, make sure you cover your tracks. And the best way to do that is to send all evidence of it to the league office.
New Orleans plays its most complete game of the year. Brees throws for 3 scores, and the Saints' D turns up the heat on Glennon.
New Orleans wins, 31-17.
Houston @ Dallas (-5)
The Cowboys avenged last year's 49-17 loss to the Saints with a commanding 38-17 victory at AT&T Stadium. DeMarco Murray rushed for 149 yards and 2 scores while Tony Romo passed for 262 yards and 3 TDs.
"I'll take a page out of Aaron Rodger's book and tell fans to 'relax,'" Romo said. "Sure we look good now, but success is fleeting in the NFL. Now, Jerry Jones would tell you that we're Super Bowl favorites. But Jerry views the world through rose-colored glasses, and sometimes beer goggles.
"Jerry often thinks things appear more appealing than they are, and apparently, so do young ladies who have their pictures taken with Jerry. Honestly, the best thing for this organization would be for Jerry to keep silent. Jeez, I would pay to keep him quiet."
The Texans are 3-1 after last week's hard-fought 23-17 win over the visiting Bills. J.J. Watt returned an interception 80 yards for a score to give the Texans the lead for good.
"Dallas does indeed have one of the league's best offensive lines," Bill O'Brien said. "But I don't they have a lineman who can block Watt one-on-one. On the field at AT&T Stadium, J.J. will be a man among 'Boys.
"We feel confident Ryan Fitzpatrick can lead us to the win. This could very well be a shootout. They say 'Never bring a knife to a gunfight.' But no one's ever told me not to bring a Harvard grad to a gunfight."
The Cowboys offensive line controls Watt, and Romo throws for 256 yards and 2 scores.
Dallas wins, 27-17.
Buffalo @ Detroit (-7½)
The Lions handled the Jets 24-17 last week, despite only two receptions for 12 yards from Calvin Johnson, who was double-teamed all day. The Lions are 3-1 and sit atop the NFC North standings.
"Sometimes Megatron can be 'Mini-Scule,'" Jim Caldwell said. "But that's okay. If opponents double-team Calvin, that means someone else is open.
"Of course, double-teams aren't the only way to take a Lions receiver out of the game. Christian Fauria sprained his ankle chasing his puppy. If you're scoring at home, that's a 'K-9.'"
After a 2-0 start to the season, the Bills have lost two in a row, both on the road, and now face a hot Lions team at Ford Field. Kyle Orton will start, taking over for the struggling E.J. Manuel.
"Okay," Doug Marrone said, "it's obvious we're not good on the road, just as it's obvious the Bills of the 1990s weren't good at neutral sites.
"But I feel that Orton gives us the best chance to win. He is the highest-paid backup in the league. We're paying him $5 million this year, so we're hoping he can back that up."
Detroit wins, 30-16.
Baltimore @ Indianapolis (-3½)
The Ravens crushed the visiting Panthers 38-17 last week, led by an inspired performance from former Panther Steve Smith, who had 2 touchdown catches.
"Steve's tweeted a picture of his boy, Steve Smith, Jr., making popsicles," Joe Flacco said. "It was captioned, 'Ice up, son.'"
The Colts blasted the Titans 41-17 last week, led by Andrew Luck's second consecutive four touchdown performance. Now 2-2, Indy trails the 3-1 Texans by one game in the AFC South.
"Andrew's put this team on his back," Chuck Pagano said, 'which, unfortunately, is what opposing defenses do to our offensive line.
"We'll hope to get more out of our rushing game. We averaged only 2.6 yards per rush. That's nothing. But having a quarterback like Luck helps ease my concerns. So I have no problem going from 'that's nothing' to 'it's nothing.'
"I don't know much, but I do know this: if you're playing blackjack and you're dealt anything 13 and under, you do not want Ray Rice as the dealer."
The Ravens erase an early 10-0 deficit and storm back to take a 31-27 win.
Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville (+7)
The Jaguars lost 33-14 in San Diego last week to remain winless on the year. In his first start, rookie Blake Bortles showed promise, throwing for 253 yards and 1 touchdown, albeit with 2 interceptions.
"I'm excited to be a part of this franchise. And I'm excited to face the Steelers. When you think of the Steelers, you think of the 'Steel Curtain' defense. Or you used to. Now, the Pittsburgh D is more like the 'Shower Curtain' defense — once you get behind it, there's only one thing there to stop you, and that's Troy Polamalu, and he's washing his hair with Head and Shoulders.
"As a kid, I grew up idolizing Ben Roethlisberger. And I've got the wrecked bicycle and an unfortunate incident in a middle school bathroom, for which I was not charged, to prove it."
The Steelers lost a heartbreaker to Tampa last week, losing on Vincent Jackson's touchdown catch with 33 seconds to go. The Steelers wasted opportunities to put the Bucs away, due in part to 13 penalties.
"We can't beat ourselves up over the penalties," Mike Tomlin said. "That's called 'self-flag-ellation,'and that's not cool, unless you're into that kind of thing."
Pittsburgh wins, 34-16.
Arizona @ Denver (-7½)
The 2-1 Broncos look to bounce back from Week 3's overtime loss in Seattle. With two week's rest, Peyton Manning and his charges are rested and eager to reclaim their winning ways.
"The Cardinals are the NFC's lone undefeated team," Manning said. "They should enjoy it while it lasts, because we will be their 'un-doing.
"The Cardinals wanted me in Arizona, and they courted me pretty strongly. But I said no. Let's just say that Carson Palmer's sore right one isn't the only thing that got the cold shoulder in Arizona."
Denver wins, 30-24.
Kansas City @ San Francisco (-7½)
The 49ers overcame a litany of errors to vanquish the visiting Eagles 26-21 last week. Colin Kaepernick threw 2 interceptions, but made keys plays that led San Fran to its second win.
"Colin's made his share of mistakes," Jim Harbaugh said. "Often when he opens his mouth. No longer is 'Kaepernicking' kissing your bicep after a touchdown. It's kissing thousands of dollars goodbye after uttering a racial slur.
"Now, despite what Deion Sanders says, there is no discord amongst this team. I think Deion just wants to feel like he has the scoop on the latest NFL happenings. One thing Deion can tackle is 'the issues.' I live by the credo, 'Don't believe everything you hear.' That's similar to the one Roger Goodell follows: 'Don't believe everything you see.'"
In an inspired effort, the Chiefs pummeled the Patriots on Monday night, sending New England packing with a 41-17 defeat. At 2-2, Kansas City trails the AFC West lead by one game.
"A can of whoop ass wasn't the only thing we opened on Monday night," Alex Smith said. "We also opened up a Pandora's Box, and it's full of Patriot problems.
"The NFL said the officials erred in penalizing Husain Abdullah for praying to Allah after his TD interception return. If anyone should have kneeled and bowed, it should have been the Patriots."
Chiefs win, 23-22.
NY Jets @ San Diego (-8)
The Jets have lost three straight, two of those at home, after last week's 24-17 loss to the Lions at MetLife Stadium. Geno Smith was erratic, with two turnovers, and swore at a fan after the game.
"Geno swore at a fan?" Rex Ryan said. "What? The 'F?'
"Even Geno's outburst was intercepted ... by camera and audio. Geno's since apologized. Maybe a better course of action would have been to curse at 78,159 other fans. Then they'd all be even.
"If needed, Michael Vick is ready if his number is called. The last time Vick's number was called, it was the number '33765183.' For now, Geno is still the starter, but it's on a probationary period."
Philip Rivers passed for 373 yards and 3 touchdowns as the Chargers erased an early deficit before putting away the visiting Jaguars, 33-14.
"Hey," Rivers said, "I would never swear at a fan. A player? That's another story. In fact, I once 'put a curse' on Jay Cutler. Heck, I put several."
After asking for forgiveness, Rivers says "the hell" with the running game and throws the ball 42 times. Surprisingly, the Jets still bite on play action well into the fourth quarter.
San Diego wins, 26-13.
Cincinnati @ New England (Even)
The Patriots lost 41-14 on Monday night to the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium. New England gave up 303 yards in the first half, the first time that has happened in the Bill Bellichick era.
"Here's another first," Tom Brady said. "That's a video we would actually prefer to remain secret.
"It's not often things get ugly in my life, save for my relationship with Bridget Moynahan. But that game got out of hand. And Bill Belichick sat me down. And that was a good thing because it gave me time to reflect on the game and ponder my mistakes. When life gives you lemons, you've got to make lemonade. And apparently in Kansas City, that lemonade comes with a side of humble pie."
The 3-0 Bengals lead the AFC North and could very well be the best team in the NFL right now. With a bye week under their belt, Andy Dalton and Cincy are ready to hand the Pats a loss in Foxboro.
"Brady is an idiot," Dalton said. "Of course, I'm quoting Leon Hall , who's talking about Brady Hoke. Leon's a Michigan man, you see.
"All this talk of Tom Brady's decline is premature. He's still an elite quarterback. So our defense will show him the proper respect when they try to plant him in the Gillette Stadium turf."
The only thing that gets planted on Sunday night is Brady's right cleat, when he puts his foot down in a heated pre-game, players-only meeting in which he demands accountability from all, including himself. The fired up Patriots storm from the locker room, kiss Brady's three Super Bowl rings, and play their best game of the year.
New England wins, 30-27.
Seattle @ Washington (+7½)
The Redskins used their ten-day rest after last Thursday's 45-14 loss to the Giants to regroup and prepare for the defending Super Bowl champion Seahawks, who themselves are recharged after a bye week. Kirk Cousins had a disastrous game against the Giants, with 5 turnovers.
"It's not cool to call a player a 'Redskin,'" Jay Gruden said. "In addition, I'm not sure you can call Cousins a 'quarterback.'
"Without a doubt, there are questions that need answers. Most importantly, 'Who is our third-string quarterback?' The answer: Colt McCoy. Forget I asked."
The Seahawks are riding the momentum of week 3's overtime win over the Broncos. The Legion of Boom is healthy, rested, and ready to wreak havoc in the nation's capitol.
"If the Redskins were the State of the Union," Richard Sherman said, "they'd be wearing 'address.'
"My responsibility as a cornerback in our defense is to cover one side of the field. That responsibility also falls to our defense as a whole. We plan to cover one side of the FedEx Field, and that will be our side, because the 'Skins may not cross midfield."
Seattle wins, 32-16.
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