Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-6½)
The Falcons host the Bucs on Thursday night on CBS/NFL Network, eager to rebound from last week's 24-10 loss in Cincinnati.
"That's right," Matt Ryan said. "It's prime time in Atlanta. And I guess that's just the first of millions of Deion Sanders references to come. And those will all come from Deion.
"There hasn't been a shutdown corner in Atlanta since Deion left. There are a lot of corners in Atlanta, but the cops can't make any of them 'shut down.'"
Tampa Bay, who many predicted as an NFC South sleeper, is 0-2 after last week's 19-17 loss to the Rams.
"We've lost consecutive games to teams quarterbacked by Derek Anderson and Austin Davis," Lovie Smith said. "Maybe fighting fire with fire is not the way to go, because we've been starting our own second string quarterback all along."
"Traditionally, Tampa has been known for the 'Tampa 2' defense. We play a variation of that called the 'Tampa X.' In the Tampa X defense, spacing is crucial. Without proper spacing, you could wind up with the 'Tampax' defense."
Matt Ryan throws for 265 yards and 2 scores, and the Falcons win, 27-23.
San Diego @ Buffalo (+2)
The Bills are 2-0 and alone atop the AFC East after last week's decisive 29-10 win over the Dolphins. Clemson alums C.J. Spiller, who returned a kickoff for a touchdown, and Sammy Watkins (8 catches, 117 yards, 1 touchdown) led the way.
"We love our school," Spiller said, "and we hate our state rivals at South Carolina. They're always trying to one-up us. Did you know that in addition to game balls, they give 'Gamecocks?'
"But I digress. What has a 'USC' player ever done to disgrace the good people of Buffalo?
"Maybe it's premature, but we're thinking Super Bowl. That's bad news for the Chargers, but good news for the NFC."
The Chargers whipped the visiting Seahawks, 30-21, behind 3 touchdown passes from Philip Rivers to Antonio Gates.
"I refuse to let a player dictate what side of the field I can throw to," Rivers said. "Take a look at the time of possession stats from the Seattle game — that was 'one-sided.'
"Richard Sherman was so upset, he refused to speak with the media. He loves being on television, so it's quite surprising that Sherman put himself on 'mute.'
"But it's a long flight to Buffalo. And the Bills are looking pretty sharp. So the odds may be stacked against us, but we feel pretty good about beating the defending Super Bowl champions. That was a real confidence booster. 'Confidence booster' is also what former Charger and Bill Shawne Merriman called his steroids. He was always a really boastful guy, so it would always surprise me when he would say, 'I really need a confidence boost' three or four times a day."
This is the biggest game in Buffalo since last week's game. Fans can't wait to see the Bills face off against one of the AFC's elite teams. Plus, if Fred Jackson sees his shadow, that means there's only three more weeks until hockey season.
Jackson and Spiller terrorize the Charges out of the backfield, combining for 11 catches and 147 yards.
Buffalo wins, 21-18.
Dallas @ St. Louis (+2)
Dallas bounced back from their Week 1 loss with a 26-10 win over the Titans in Tennessee. DeMarco Murray carried the load, rushing for 167 yards and a score.
"A successful rushing attack is so important," Jason Garrett said. "Not only does it move the chains, but it keeps our defense off the field. But I've yet to discover a rushing attack that's good enough to keep our owner off the field.
"I'm not sure Jerry Jones wants Adrian Peterson on his team anymore. I think we all feel that the law should throw the book at Peterson, and that book should be written by Dr. Benjamin Spock."
The Rams picked up their first win of the year, knocking off the Buccaneers in Tampa, 19-17.
"Playing the Cowboys is always a big game," Jeff Fisher said. "And it's even bigger because of the Michael Sam issue, because he's played for both teams.
"Because we're so stacked on defense, we weren't able to keep Sam. I think our defense is one of the NFL's best, and certainly one of the youngest. How young, you may ask? Well, they're so young, Jerry Jones wants to takes pictures with them."
This is a game that will be won in the trenches. Dallas' offensive line is hitting on all cylinders, and the Rams have one of the NFL's best front seven. Something's got to give.
St. Louis wins, 22-20.
Washington @ Philadelphia (-7)
Despite losing Robert Griffin and DeSean Jackson early to injuries, the Redskins pounded the Jaguars 41-10. Kirk Cousins took over at quarterback and threw for 250 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Griffin dislocated his ankle," Jay Gruden said, "so, for the time being, this is Cousins' team. He's being anointed the 'prodigal sub.' RG3's injury is certainly unfortunate, but I echo the sentiments of Daniel Snyder, who's quite unsympathetic to the plight of the Redskin.'
"Now, Cousins' doesn't have the same skill set as RG3. While Kirk doesn't run the read option, he does, in fact, run the better option."
The Eagles are 2-0 after last week's big win in Indianapolis. Free agent acquisition Darren Sproles was the difference, with 7 receptions for 152 yards and added a touchdown run.
"Sproles is a real difference-maker," Chip Kelly said. "He really tips the scales in our direction in a huge way. That's why we call him 'The Big Tipper.'
"DeSean Jackson is making his return to Philadelphia.We won't let DeSean beat us. You certainly don't want to give up the big play to him, and the best way to prevent that is to gang tackle him."
Philadelphia wins, 27-24.
Houston @ NY Giants (+3)
The 0-2 Giants are in search of their first win of the season. In their two losses, the G-Men have been outscored 60-28.
"We've got holes everywhere," Tom Coughlin said, "and as you would expect, most have been self-inflicted. And speaking of 'misfires,' Eli Manning has already thrown 4 interceptions. That puts him on pace to be in Tampa Bay, or St. Louis, or Tennessee next year.
"But what's more of a concern for me? J.J. Watt or Eli? Both can wreak havoc on an offense. I would have to say Watt is definitely our biggest concern. Much like my good buddy Jay-Z, I've got '99' problems."
In stark contrast to the Giants, the Texans are 2-0, leading the AFC South, after a convincing 30-14 win in Oakland. Houston's defense forced 4 turnovers, and J.J. Watt caught a 1-yard touchdown pass from Ryan Fitzpatrick.
"You never know where Watt might show up," Bill O'Brien said. "It could be at defensive tackle, it could be at tight end, or it could be at a middle school dance shilling for Verizon."
Coughlin reads the riot act in a searing pre-game speech, lighting a fire under his troops, which is quickly extinguished when Manning throws an interception on the second play of the game. But he Giants respond with a solid defensive effort, and Manning rushes for a short score.
New York wins, 23-20.
Minnesota @ New Orleans (-9½)
Without Adrian Peterson, Matt Cassel was overwhelmed by the visiting Patriots' defense in a 30-7 loss to New England. Cassel threw 4 interceptions and was sacked 6 times.
"I didn't consider replacing Matt," Mike Zimmer said. "Unlike a certain All World running back who will remain nameless, I refused to make a 'switch.'
"Peterson has been placed on the exempt list, meaning he can't participant in team activities until his case is resolved. But has he really suffered? Through all of this, he's experienced only a few 'scratches.'
"But Adrian has apologized, and in addition to apologies, we're also accepting trade offers."
The biggest surprise in the NFL thus far may be New Orleans' 0-2 start. Last week, the Saints lost a stunner in Cleveland, as Billy Cundiff nailed a 29-yard field goal with three seconds left.
"I'm not quite sure what our problem is," Sean Payton said. "Needless to say, I'll launch a full investigation to find out.
"Obviously, our defensive coordinator Rob Ryan has his work cut out for him. This is unacceptable. Rob's got Buddy Ryan's DNA in him, for Christ's sake. If things don't change, he'll have Sean Payton's foot in him. I've made it clear that our defense's play so far has been unacceptable. Rob has promised me that he expects to see progress and improvement immediately, but said it might be a while longer before he can see his feet."
Roger Goodell makes a surprise visit to the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, and is seen in a luxury suite enjoying a Cajun meal, which unfortunately includes dirty rice.
The New Orleans rush comes after Cassel, and he sees the determination in their eyes, which looks an awful lot like $ signs. The Vikes run game fares no better, as the fired up Saints defense doesn't spare the rod.
Drew Brees throws for 351 yards and 4 touchdowns, and the Saints force 5 turnovers and sack Cassel 4 times.
New Orleans wins, 34-13.
Tennessee @ Cincinnati (-7)
The Bengals raced past the visiting Falcons 24-10 last week, led by a balanced offense and a defense that limited Matt Ryan to 231 yards passing.
"Ryan just looked uncomfortable," Marvin Lewis said. "That was surprising. One would think he would feel right at home in 'The Jungle,' because what player from Atlanta doesn't have 'a little African in him?' At least, according to Danny Ferry's scouting report?
"We'll have to handle the Titans without A.J. Green. He's got a nagging toe injury. So, A.J. won't be spending much time in the 'Jungle.' Instead, he'll convalesce in our team rehab facility, 'Forest Gregg.'"
The Titans lost at home to the Cowboys 26-10, let down by a defense that surrendered 220 yards on the ground.
"That was a far cry from the 67 yards rushing we gave up to the Chiefs in Week 1," Ken Whisenhunt said. "As you can expect, our rush defense ranking tumbled. Just call it a 'Titan-ic sinking.'"
Giovani Bernard rushes for a score, and turns a screen pass from Andy Dalton into a 33-yard touchdown.
Cincinnati wins, 27-14.
Baltimore @ Cleveland (+2)
The Browns shocked the visiting Saints on Billy Cundiff's 29-yard field goal with three seconds left, sending the Saints home with a 26-24 defeat, and sending the Dawg Pound into a frenzy.
"We don't get much respect," Mike Pettine said. "Especially at Cleveland Municipal Stadium. In the two games here this season, our opponent has been favored. Much like Swagger, our new mascot, we're the 'Home Dog.'"
The Ravens dominated the Steelers 28-6 and evened their record at 1-1. Joe Flacco threw for 2 touchdowns and rushed for 1 score.
"Hopefully," John Harbaugh, "we can put this whole Ray Rice fiasco behind us. Maybe the third time will be the charm.
"But this is exactly the reason we signed Steve Smith, Sr. in the offseason. His veteran presence is exactly what we need in trying times. And we know Steve would never raise a hand to a woman, unless that woman is a teammate."
Baltimore wins, 23-20.
Green Bay @ Detroit (-1)
The Packers stormed back from a 21-3 second quarter deficit with 20 unanswered points and held on to beat the Jets, 31-24. Green Bay was aided when an apparent Jets touchdown was nullified by a controversial timeout call from the Jets' sideline.
"I'm not sure what the Jets' record in Wisconsin is," Aaron Rodgers said. "But I'm sure it's not good. That's why they need to 'get to a better state.' That's a State Farm reference. Here's another: maybe Rex Ryan should have used the 'Time Out Double Check.'"
The Lions were shut down offensively in a 24-7 loss to the Panthers in Charlotte last week. Carolina's defense held Calvin Johnson to 6 catches for 83 yards and limited the Lions to 70 yards on the ground.
"We ran into a wall," Jim Caldwell said. "Obviously, the Panthers defense in fur real. Ha! You just got 'Pun'd.' See, my sense of humor will only take me as far as my coaching ability.
"But seriously, this is an important game for both teams. The winner improves to 2-1, with a division victory under their belt. That's why Ndamukong Suh will take over motivational duties for the game, because no one knows the importance of getting a leg up more than Suh."
Johnson is somewhat neutralized by Packer double-teams, but Golden Tate picks up the slack, with eight catches for 134 yards and a touchdown.
Detroit wins, 30-26.
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (+7)
Chad Henne was sacked ten times by the Redskins in last week's 41-10 loss in Washington as the Jags fell to 0-2. They'll face the winless Colts in the home opener in Jacksonville.
"Apparently," Gus Bradley said, "our offensive line is as inconsistent as the NFL's domestic abuse policy. From what I hear, some family members of NFL players could use 'guards,' while some NFL players need 'centers,' particularly 'centers' of detention.' As for the league itself, they whiffed when trying to 'tackle' this issue.
"But despite our 0-2 record, fans are excited about Jaguars football again. Lines are actually leading into the stadium, not from it. And the marketing department is taking advantage. They are urging fans to make a 'Beeline For the Feline.'"
The Colts are 0-2 and in the AFC South basement with the Jaguars. Indy lost 30-27 on Monday night to the Eagles as Darren Sproles had seven receptions for 152 yards.
"Andrew Luck can't do it all," Chuck Pagano said. "For this team to be successful, it's going to take more than Luck. Trent is a powerful runner, but we need to see a better yards-per-rush average. They used to call him the 'Cleveland Steamer'; now, he's known as a 'Cloud of Dust' because he lacks the three yards."
Indianapolis wins, 29-17.
Oakland @ New England (-14)
The 1-1 Patriots host the 0-2 Raiders in Foxboro in the home opener for New England. The Pats stomped the Vikings 30-7 last week.
"Charles Woodson is back with the Raiders," Brady said. "I'm sure Charles never sleeps well when the subject of the 2002 AFC Championship Game comes up. But I know how to make his rest peaceful — I'll 'tuck' him in."
The Raiders have the NFL's second-worst rushing offense, and will need better production from Darren McFadden and Maurice Jones-Drew to have any chance against the Patriots.
"'Bo Knows' running backs," Derek Carr said, "and 'Bo's Nose' smells a pair of stinkers."
New England wins, 34-16.
San Francisco @ Arizona (+3)
Sixteen penalties and four Colin Kaepernick turnovers were the 49ers downfall in Sunday night's 28-20 loss to the hobbled Bears. They'll look to knock off the undefeated Cardinals.
"I think Kaepernick said it best when he said whatever it was he said that drew an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty," Jim Harbaugh said. "Colin insists he didn't say anything, and I think his assertion is valid. It's just another case of 'plausible deniability' in the NFL."
The 49ers get their act together and instead of expletives, Kaepernick hurls 2 touchdown passes.
San Fran wins, 26-20.
Denver @ Seattle (-4½)
In a rematch of last year's lopsided Super Bowl, the Broncos seek revenge and redemption against the Seahawks, who are still stinging from last week's loss in San Diego.
"That loss is still etched in our minds," Peyton Manning said. "All we can do is just forget it ever happened. That should make the league office very happy, because if there's one thing they advocate, it's amnesia."
The Seahawks wilted in the heat and humidity in San Diego last week, outplayed and out-coached by the Chargers.
"We won't dwell on that loss," Pete Carroll said. "What's done is done. We understand the importance of hydration; that's why we've thrown all our water under the bridge.
"As for the Broncos, they'll get more of what they saw in the Super Bowl. In other words, Percy Harvin. Harvin may be the most dynamic player in the NFL, and one of the loneliest. He's simply had no luck on numerous online dating sites, because he's a matchup nightmare."
The Broncos arrive with an attitude, which shouldn't be a surprise for a team that lost by 35 in the Super Bowl. Manning plays Denver's conservative game plan to perfection, and the Broncos' rebuilt defense does its part.
Denver wins, 23-21.
Kansas City @ Miami (-4½)
Despite dominating the time of possession battle 36:14 to 23:46, the Chiefs lost to Denver 24-17 after coming up short on the Broncos goal line to end the game. Now K.C. needs a win in Miami to avoid a devastating 0-3 hole.
"To compound issues," Andy Reid said, "Jamaal Charles is out with a sprained ankle. That development certainly changes our plans. But Knile Davis is a more that capable backup. I'm not sure, though, if I can come up with a capable backup plan."
"The Kansas City Royals are 14 game above .500," Andy Reid said. "It doesn't look like I'll be able to say the same for us. I think pop starlet Lorde said it best, because 'we'll never be royals.'"
Kansas City wins, 23-17.
Pittsburgh @ Carolina (-3½)
The Panthers thumped the Lions 24-7 last week to improve to 2-0, and seem well on their way to defending their NFC South crown.
"It was a tough decision to sit Greg Hardy last week," Ron Rivera said. "But I believe his situation warrants a benching, not to mention a bench warrant."
After putting up 27 points in the first half against the Browns in Week 1, the Steelers have scored only nine points since, including six in last Thursday's 28-6 loss in Baltimore.
"I bet the NFL longs for the good old days," Ben Roethlisberger said, "when their only problems consisted of players wrecking motorcycles and trapping young ladies in bathrooms. And so do I, because back then, I could do all that, and still have the time and energy to win Super Bowls."
Carolina wins, 24-16.
Chicago @ NY Jets (-3)
The Jets raced to a 21-3 in Green Bay last week before falling 31-24 at Lambeau Field. Geno Smith threw the apparent game-tying TD pass late in the fourth quarter, but the play was negated by a timeout granted just before the snap.
"It pains me to say this," Rex Ryan said, "both as a head coach and a connoisseur of foot fetishism, but we 'shot ourselves in the foot.'"
The Bears erased a 20-7 second quarter deficit with three fourth quarter touchdowns, all from Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall. Chicago's 28-20 win over the 49ers leaves them at 1-1 and in a four-way tie in the NFC South.
"That was the first regular-season game ever played at the 49ers new home," Marshall said. "You could tell the loss was really tearing Jim Harbaugh up inside, but he's got too much pride to show it. At Levi's Stadium, I guess you'd call that a 'relaxed fit.'"
New York wins, 28-21.
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