Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-2½)
The AFC North's deepest rivalry takes center stage on NFL Network's Thursday Night Football, as the Ravens host the Steelers. The Ravens are looking to avoid an 0-2 hole in the division after last week's 23-16 loss to the Bengals.
"Losing to the Bengals is not the end of the world," John Harbaugh said. "It's not a slap in the face; it's more like a slap on the wrist.
"We certainly had our chances to win, and in review, it hurts to see how close we were. I don't know what's more painful to watch — the video tape, or the security footage."
"Simply put, we have to play better. I'll tell the team the same thing I told Ray Rice — 'elevate your game, not your fiancée.'"
The Steelers blew a 24-point lead before finally finishing off the Browns 30-27 last week. Pittsburgh's offense was superb, while the defense was not, surrendering 189 yards on the ground.
"Normally," Mike Tomlin said, "Dick Lebeau grades a rush defense satisfactory if its opponent's rushing yardage is below his age. Unfortunately, it only seems like Dick's 190. Of course, fixing our defense won't be easy. Unfortunately, prune juice isn't the cure-all that Lebeau thinks it is. Maybe Dick should try smoking marijuana. If you're affiliated with the Steelers, and your last name begins with 'Le,' then you apparently have to try it.
"In years past, Steelers/Ravens clashes were often described as 'smashmouth' football. Out of respect for a lady who will remain nameless, use of that term should be 'suspended indefinitely.' One day, when we look back on this whole affair, we'll gaze at the statue of Ray Rice standing majestically outside M&T Bank Stadium. In doing so, we may finally make sense of the situation, and realize that of all the entities in the Rice fiasco, TMZ emerged as the most credible."
Holding a slim 24-23 lead with time winding down in the fourth quarter, the Steelers D stuffs Bernard Pierce on a fourth and less-than-an-inch rush attempt, proving that not only can the Ravens not walk a fine line, they can't run one either.
Pittsburgh wins, 24-23.
Miami @ Buffalo (+1)
In Week 1's most surprising upset, the Bills stunned the Bears 23-20 in overtime in Chicago, powered by a solid day from E.J. Manuel, who passed for a score and ran for another.
"It appears E.J. has overcome his accuracy issues," Doug Marrone said. "'Wild Bill' may have been a cool nickname for an Old West gunslinger, but it's not for a quarterback.
"Now, you may have heard about the shouting match I had with some members of our front office. It was the biggest hullabaloo in Buffalo since Brett Hull stuck his foot in the crease. I don't mean to brag, but let's just say that much like the Super Bowl, the Bills front office can't win a shouting match, either. I call it being 'fiery;' they call it being 'fire-y.'"
Like the Bills, the Dolphins are 1-0 after an upset victory. Miami stormed back from a 20-10 deficit to beat the Patriots, 33-20.
"The Patriots are 0-1," Ryan Tannehill said, "and in sole possession of last place in the AFC East. Is it time to panic in New England? If it is, you're likely to see a Patriots-TMZ alliance, because they both probably have film that the other wants."
Manuel's mobility keeps the Miami rush at bay, and C.J. Spiller and Fred Jackson combine for 180 total yards.
Buffalo wins, 24-19.
Jacksonville @ Washington (-6)
The Jaguars built a 17-0 first half lead at Philadelphia last week before yielding 34 unanswered second half points in a 34-17 loss to the Eagles.
"My goal when I took this job was to build a strong defense," Gus Bradley said. "I guess we're only halfway there.
"We can certainly relate to the plight of the 'Redskins' name. Like 'Redskins,' 'the 'Jaguars' name has been associated with oppression, as well, mainly because we've been abused by our rivals for years. And likewise, we refuse to change our name."
The Redskins dropped a 17-6 decision at Houston last week, done in by big plays on both sides of the ball by the Texans, and a mediocre showing from Robert Griffin III.
"I would classify RG3's performance as 'pedestrian,'" Jay Gruden said. "Mainly because he's afraid to run. Maybe his endorsement deal is going to his head, because he's playing like a 'sub.'
"But at least the Ray Rice fiasco has taken attention away from the 'Redskins' name controversy. I imagine if there were footage of atrocities committed by the white man over the last six centuries, the NFL wouldn't have it, TMZ would, and we'd have to change our names."
A defiant Daniel Snyder commandeers the FedEx Field public address system and blares Destiny's Child's "Say My Name" as the home team hits the field. A pumped up Griffin makes a concerted effort to throw the ball downfield, and an even more concerted effort to complete those throws. DeSean Jackson gets the scoring started, taking a quick out from Griffin and outrunning the Jag defense for a 65-yard score.
Washington wins, 27-16.
Dallas @ Tennessee (-3½)
What's the bigger story in Dallas? The current state of the dreadful Cowboys defense, or the signing of Michael Sam to the team's practice squad? The Cowboys fell into a 28-3 hole in the first half and never recovered, losing 28-17 to San Francisco last week.
"I can tell you this," Jason Garrett said. "The 'LGBT' community is not happy. That's the fanatical segment of Dallas fans who want success, and want it now — the 'Let's Go 'Boys Today' community.
"On the bright side, at least our defense showed up for one half. Unfortunately, so did the 49ers offense."
The Titans, under new head coach Ken Whisenhunt, physically dominated the Chiefs on both sides of the ball.
"There are a lot of people that say Jerry Jones is bringing the Cowboys down," Whisenhunt said. "Of course, Jones refuses to see it that way. I suppose the Cowboys are doomed to failure until Jones 'owns it.'
"As for the Titans owner, that was Bud Adams up until his death in October last year. Unlike Jones, Bud was known for giving the finger, not getting it."
A loss could spell "disaster" for the Cowboys. With a capital "D." So give me a "Big D," an "I," an "S" ... you get the picture.
Jake Locker throws for 2 scores, and the Titans rush for 157 yards.
Tennessee wins, 27-21.
Arizona @ NY Giants (+2)
The Cardinals ground out a tough 18-17 win over the visiting Chargers on Monday night, getting the game-winning points on Carson Palmer's 13-yard TD pass to rookie John Brown.
"You probably heard that about Larry Fitzgerald's dad," Palmer said. "He tweeted his displeasure after Larry had only one reception in the game. To be a father, he sure does a lot of mothering.
"I don't want to throw to Larry unless he's open. The last thing I want to do is force anything, unless it's a trade."
The Giants looked overmatched in Monday's 35-14 loss at Ford Field in Detroit. The G-Men gave up 341 yards passing, and Calvin Johnson had 7 receptions for 164 yards and 2 touchdowns.
"Some would say my receivers and I weren't 'on the same page,'" Manning said. "But, in fact, we were. Because we're all on the last page, of the official NFL player statistics page.
"Our offense relies heavily on play call changes at the line of scrimmage. Often, these changes are made in the form of hand signals. As one could see on Monday, my receivers didn't understand my hand signals. If this happens against the Cardinals, you can best believe our receivers will understand our fans' hand signals."
Chandler Catanzaro kicks a late field goal, giving the jet-lagged Cards a 20-19 win.
New England @ Minnesota (+3)
The Patriots are 0-1 after last week's 33-20 loss at Miami, a game in which the Pats held a 20-10 halftime lead. They'll look to rebound in TCF Bank Stadium, temporary home of the Vikings.
"I wasn't pleased with my second half performance in Miami," Brady said. "Earlier this year, I said I wouldn't retire until I 'suck.' I call that the 'Suck Rule.' I almost hung it up after the Dolphins game. If that would have been the case, I would have been like a lot of Northerners, because I would have retired in Miami."
The Vikings pounded the Rams in St. Louis 34-6, led by a big day from Cordarrelle Patterson and a stifling effort from the Vikings defense, which certainly pleased head coach Mike Zimmer.
"Unlike former Viking great Jim Marshall," Zimmer said, "this defense is headed in the right direction. The 'Purple People Eaters' are back, and I'm certainly not referring to the staff on a Lake Minnetonka sex cruise."
If there's one thing Bill Bellichick knows, it's Matt Cassel. Bellichick made Cassel. And he will break him.
The Patriots defense bounces back, picking off Cassell twice, and Tom Brady throws for 310 yards and 3 scores.
New England wins, 31-17.
New Orleans @ Cleveland (+7)
The Browns battled back from a 24-point deficit to the Steelers before eventually losing 30-27 last week in Pittsburgh. Quarterback Brian Hoyer was serviceable, going 19-31 for 230 yards and 1 touchdown.
"Speaking of 'serviceable,'" Mike Petine said, "Johnny Manziell certainly considers himself as such when he makes his monthly pilgrimages to Las Vegas.
"But don't expect Johnny to start anytime soon. Hoyer's doing just fine, especially considering he's without Josh Gordon. Josh is reportedly working for a car dealership in Ohio. His expertise isn't in sales, it's in purchasing.
"Honestly, I think the ideal job for Josh would be working with the police department. He'd make a great overseer of the lot where seized vehicles are stored. It would be called the 'Dawg Impound.'"
The Saints are reeling after their 37-34 overtime loss to the Falcons last week. The New Orleans offense piled up 472 yards, but their defense surrendered 568.
"Our defense was so bad," Sean Payton said, "I had to 'look the other way.' But I think our players would never succumb to domestic violence. I don't think you could pay them to hit a woman. A man? That's another story."
"Matt Ryan passed for 448 yards. Obviously, Richard Sherman doesn't play for us. But we apparently played our own version of the 'Sherman defense,' because we watched Atlanta 'burn.'"
New Orleans wins, 33-20.
Atlanta @ Cincinnati (-4½)
The Bengals overpowered the Ravens in Baltimore, building a 15-0 lead on five Mike Nugent field goals before eventually winning on Andy Dalton's 77-yard touchdown pass to A.J. Green.
"For a kicker," Marvin Lewis said, "I thought Nugent showed great 'three' technique.
"But it will take more than field goals to beat the Falcons. When we're in scoring range, we need touchdowns. When you get inside your opponent's 20-yard-line, it's called the 'red zone.' Similarly, when you stretch your budget to give your quarterback a massive contract that he may not necessarily deserve, it's called being 'in the red zone.' We need Andy Dalton to get us out of both."
The Falcons out-offensed the Saints last week, winning 37-34 in overtime on Matt Bryant's 52-yard field goal. Matt Ryan threw for 448 yards and 3 touchdowns as the Falcons avenged two losses to New Orleans last year.
"We couldn't have scripted it any better," Ryan said. "I take that back. We could have scripted it without the Saints' 34 points.
"If there was a bounty on my head, it wasn't collected. The payoff was a lot like my receivers — it went unchecked."
Nugent kicks the game-winner, and the Bengals intercept Ryan's Hail Mary pass as time expires.
Cincinnati wins, 27-24.
Detroit @ Carolina (-2½)
Without Cam Newton, the Panthers ground out a tough 20-14 win over the Bucs in Tampa Bay. The Panthers defense forced 3 turnovers against the lethargic Tampa offense, but the high-powered Lions attack presents a much greater challenge.
"The Lions may have 'Megatron,'" Cam Newton said, "but we have 'Mega-Ron.' That's head coach Ron Rivera. Apparently, there's room for two superheroes on this team, but no room for any veteran wide receivers."
The Lions jumped on the Giants early last week, as Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson hooked up for two first quarter scores. Stafford finished with 341 yards passing and added a rushing score in the fourth quarter in the 35-14 win.
"The Giants actually tried to single-cover Calvin Johnson," Stafford said. "That why we were able to more than 'double-cover' the spread."
The Panthers choose "tails" at the opening coin toss, just one of many game-time decisions to come this year. Newton dons a flak jacket to protect his sore ribs from the hits of would-be Detroit tacklers, and the cleats of would-be cheap shots from Ndamukong Suh.
Detroit wins, 23-20.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay (-5)
Quarterback issues continue to compound in St. Louis. Shaun Hill left last week's game against the Vikings with a thigh injury. Third-stringer Austin Davis took over as the Rams lost convincingly 34-6.
"Austin performed well," Jeff Fisher said. "For a rookie, he knew the offense like the back of his hand. He learned it in no time. He's like a sponge, which comes in handy during mop-up duty."
The Buccaneers fell 20-14 to the Panthers at Raymond James Stadium in Lovie Smith's debut. It will be a homecoming of sorts for Smith, who was defensive coordinator for the Rams from 2001-2003.
"At that time," Smith said, "the Rams offense was known as 'The Greatest Show On Earth.' We'll settle for our offense being simply 'The Greatest Show in Tampa.'"
Tampa wins, 19-16.
Seattle @ San Diego (+5½)
The Seahawks looked every bit the favorites to defend their Super Bowl title in a 36-16 dismantling of the Packers last Thursday. Marshawn Lynch plowed ahead for 110 yards and 2 scores, while the Legion of Boom limited Aaron Rodgers to 189 yards and 1 score.
"We stared down Rodgers," Richard Sherman said, "and he flinched. That's not lowering the Boom; it's glowering the Boom.
"Earl Thomas compared our defense to James Brown. We are indeed funky. But when it comes to passing PED tests, we're 'flunky.' But we feel good. I knew that we would."
The Chargers lost a heartbreaking 18-17 decision to the Cardinals in a defensive struggle last week. A loss to the Seahawks would put the Chargers in an 0-2 hole.
"We plan to go right at Richard Sherman," Philip Rivers said. "By right 'at Richard Sherman,' I mean '@RichardSherman,' meaning we plan to confuse him by overloading his Twitter account."
Seattle wins, 24-20.
Houston @ Oakland (+3)
The Raiders lost to the Jets 19-14 last week in the debut of rookie quarterback Derek Carr. Carr threw 2 touchdowns, but got no help from an anemic rushing attack that accounted for only 25 yards.
"Maurice Jones-Drew rushed for only 11 yards on 9 carries," Carr said. "Is that dash in his name a hyphen or a minus sign?"
The Texans used two big plays, one on offense and one on defense, to subdue Robert Griffin and the Redskins 17-6 in Bill O'Brien's debut as head coach. J.J. Watt dominated, with a sack, 2 tackles for losses, 1 pass defended, and 1 blocked kick.
"Watt proved that he's worth $100 million," O'Brien said. "He'll earn every penny. Some players sign huge contracts, cash in, and quit trying. Albert Haynesworth signed a $100 million contract with Washington, and look at him now. Daniel Snyder is still paying him. But Native Americans love it. It's one case in which the Redskin is robbing the white man."
Arian Foster rushes for 65 yards and scores on a short reception from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Watt "parks" the Carr twice and forces 1 fumble.
Houston wins, 22-13.
NY Jets @ Green Bay (-8½)
The Packers have had 10 days to contemplate last Thursday's 36-16 loss in Seattle last week, a game in which the Green Bay defense surrendered 207 yards rushing. The Jets will no doubt attack the middle of the Packer defense.
"Rush defense has been a problem here for years," Mike McCarthy said. "It's about as thin as the lamination of my play sheet. Opposing offenses take a look at our defense and say 'Cheese,' not because we're in Wisconsin, but because they've got reason to smile."
The Jets overpowered the visiting Raiders 19-14 last week, boosted by a defense that held the Raiders to 158 total yards.
"It wasn't pretty," Rex Ryan said, "but I liked it anyway. But enough about my wife's feet."
Green Bay wins, 31-16.
Kansas City @ Denver (-12½)
The Broncos managed just fine without Wes Welker, who was suspended four games for violating the league's performance-enhancing drug policy. Peyton Manning tossed three first-half scoring passes to Julius Thomas, and the Broncos held off a late charge to beat the Colts 31-24.
"Julius is a lot like Welker's supplier," Manning said. "He's got 'speed.' Over the last two years, I've developed quite a dependency on him, and I'm not quite sure I can kick it.
"And speaking of 'kicking it,' Welker isn't the only player with a substance-abuse problem. Matt Prater was suspended for four games for alcohol abuse. That's like being sent down to the minors, or 'AA.'"
The Chiefs looked nothing like the team that won 11 games last year. Kansas City managed only 245 yards of total offense, and Jamaal Charles was rendered mostly ineffective in last week's 26-10 home loss to the Titans.
"Indeed," Andy Reid said. "We certainly didn't look like a team that won 11 games last year. We looked like a team in need of a history lesson. I could go back one year and tell my boys a story about how well they played last year. Or, I could kick it old school and reminisce about the Chiefs glory years. Of course, it would be in the form of a children's book, and it would be called 'Green Eggs and Stram.'
Denver wins, 30-20.
Chicago @ San Francisco (-6)
The 49ers took advantage of a depleted Dallas defense, bolting to a 28-3 lead in an eventual 28-17 win at AT&T Stadium. San Fran forced 4 turnovers and sacked Tony Romo 4 times.
"This calls for a party," Jim Harbaugh said. "Just not at Ray McDonald's house.
"Obviously, our ultimate goal is winning the Super Bowl. As you know, my brother John won a Super Bowl with the Ravens. Since then, though, things have gone downhill, one floor at a time."
The Bears were stunned 23-20 in overtime by the Bills at Soldier Field last week. The Bills surrendered 427 yards of total offense to the Bears, but won the turnover battle three-to-one.
"We have a lot of weapons on offense," Marc Trestman said. "Defensively, we have weapons as well. Unfortunately, they are weapons of mass implosion."
The 49ers christen Levi's Stadium with the blood of Jay Cutler, sacking him 3 times.
San Francisco wins, 34-22.
Philadelphia @ Indianapolis (-3)
After digging a 17-0 hole, the Eagles woke up in the second half, outscoring the Jaguars 34-0. Nick Foles bounced back from 3 turnovers in the first half to throw two TD passes in the second half.
"We just didn't execute our offense," Chip Kelly said. "Sometimes with the hurry-up, you've got to slow down.
"Foles will be fine. Why? Because Mark Sanchez is his backup. Nick may be a fumbler, but he's no butt fumbler."
As is their wont, the Colts fell behind early before a late comeback fell short in a 31-24 loss to the Broncos in Denver.
"That was the bad news," Andrew Luck said. "But there was more. Robert Mathis is out for the year after tearing his Achilles' heel in a workout. Robert was serving a four-game suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy. This really puts a kink in Robert's plan, because he swore he wasn't going to take this suspension sitting down."
Indianapolis wins, 31-28.
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