Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth finished sixth at Darlington, posting his seventh top-10 of the year. He is second in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now trails leader Greg Biffle by 2 points.
"Once again," Kenseth said, "the cowardly actions of Kurt Busch have overshadowed an exciting and historic night at Darlington. Bojangles picked the right race to sponsor. They're a lot like Kurt Busch — they both specialize in 'chicken.'"
2. Greg Biffle — Biffle started on the pole at Darlington, and dominated the first third of the race before handling issues arose due to changing track conditions. He maintained the lead in the points position and leads Matt Kenseth by two.
"I've held the points lead for a long time," Biffle said. "And I plan on battling to keep it. Say what you will about me, but don't compare me to Kurt Busch, because I won't go down without a fight."
3. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin led 56 laps in the Southern 500, and sped by Tony Stewart on the final restart to claim the runner-up spot to Jimmie Johnson. Hamlin held on to fourth in the point standings and is 17 behind Greg Biffle.
"I had my fire suit signed by the great Cale Yarborough," Hamlin said. "Now I can say I'm just like Jimmie Johnson: I've got the name of a Sprint Cup champion on my suit."
4. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson led a race-high 134 laps in the Southern 500 and controlled the final third of the race. After speeding away on the final restart, Johnson had his first win of the season, as well as Hendrick Motorsports' 200th win.
"In addition to giving Rick Hendrick his 200th win," Johnson said, "I also broke a 16-race winless streak with the victory. That's called 'killing two birds with one stone.' This year, it seems I'm the only driver at Hendrick capable of 'throwing' a stone."
5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt finished 17th at Darlington, his first finish outside the top 10 in seven races. He remained third in the Sprint Cup point standings, 14 out of first.
"Congratulations to all at Hendrick Motorsports on their 200th win," Earnhardt said. "I can call myself part of a winning team for the first time in years."
6. Tony Stewart — Stewart battled back from clutch troubles to compete for the win at Darlington. But a subpar restart on the green-white-checkered finished relegated him to a solid third-place finish. He is seventh in the point standings, 42 out of first.
"Indeed," Stewart said, "we had serious clutch problems. That pales in comparison to the plight of Carl Edwards. He experienced 'clutch' problems in all 10 races of the Chase last year.
"I hear the teams of Ryan Newman and Kurt Busch had to be separated after the race. If I were feuding with Busch, everyone knows the only things needing separation would be my hand and Kurt's face."
7. Martin Truex, Jr. — After struggling at Richmond and Talladega, Truex rebounded with a fifth in the Bojangles' Southern 500, posting his fourth top-five result of the year. He is tied for fifth in the point standings, 39 out of first.
"Michael Waltrip said Darlington Raceway is probably the most intimidating track on the NASCAR circuit," Truex said. "But hearing that said in Waltrip's silky, effeminate voice quelled my trepidations. Michael puts the 'lady' in 'Lady in Black.'
"'The Lady in Black' wasn't the only lady in Darlington. Danica Patrick was there. She's 'The Lady in Red,' after finishing six laps in the hole."
8. Kyle Busch — Busch recorded his third consecutive top-4 finish, posting a fourth at Darlington. After a slow start to the season, Busch is up to ninth in the point standings, where he trails Greg Biffle by 62.
"I may be the hottest driver in NASCAR right now," Busch said, "but I doubt anyone's aware of that. I know it seems impossible, but a Busch brother can do something quietly.
"My older and less-wiser brother Kurt was involved in a confrontation with Ryan Newman's team after Kurt spun his tires through Newman's pit stall. Newman attributed Kurt's actions to a 'chemical imbalance.' That's an astute observation. Kurt often loses his balance, often after being slapped in the face."
9. Carl Edwards — Edwards finished seventh in the Southern 500, earning his seventh top-10 result of the year. He is now 10th in the point standings, 74 out of first.
"Greg Biffle and Matt Kenseth are 1-2 in the point standings," Edwards said, "while good old Cousin Carl well behind in seventh. I guess that makes me a 'distant' cousin."
10. Kevin Harvick — Harvick was not a factor at Darlington, finishing 16th in the Bojangles' Southern 500. Harvick has only two top-10s in the last five races, and hasn't won since September of 2011.
"I don't know who's more 'due,'" Harvick said. "Me or my wife. I just know I bitch less about it.
"In any case, Darlington is one tough track. Not only is it hard to drive there, it's near impossible to get your hands on a Busch brother there, as well. Whether they finish the race or not, the Kyle and Kurt are always classified in the race results as 'running.'"
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