Tebow Will Be a Capable Backup (and Friend) to Mark Sanchez — When people say the words "quarterback sneak" in New York, they could be referring to two things: either the Jets goal line offense, or Sanchez's penchant for secretly dating underage girls. The arrival of Tebow assuages both problems. Tebow is most effective as a quarterback at the goal line, and just his mere presence will have Sanchez not only eschewing young hotties, but saving himself for marriage. In other words, Tebow will have Sanchez "backed up."
Jersey Sales — Already, Tebow's No. 15 Jets jersey is a hot seller, particularly those manufactured from virgin wool. Factor in the New York market, and a veritable gold mine awaits. Everybody in New York will be wearing Tebow jerseys on Sunday, to church. Those that don't go to church will also be wearing their Tebow jersey, because, in their minds, wearing a Tebow jersey negates the need to go to church.
Antonio Cromartie Needs Guidance — Cromartie was not pleased with Tebow's arrival, but the two could become fast friends once they realize they have much in common. For example, Cromartie has fathered nine children by eight women. I'm sure Tebow would be quite impressed by the religious fervor expressed by those nine kids; they may be the only people that say "Our Father" more than Tebow. What's in it for Tebow? One look at Cromartie's child support payments, and Tebow's vows of abstinence will be validated.
Santonio Holmes Needs a Good Relationship With a Quarterback — Most football analysts decry Tebow's inability to hit the open receiver. Holmes can't get open, so just like that, the two have, ironically, a connection. Plus, both Tebow and Holmes spent their formative years in Florida, both collecting money for their respective causes.
Tebow-Mania Will Ease Media Scrutiny of Rex Ryan — Ryan has often placed too much pressure on his team by guaranteeing Super Bowl wins. Well, the presence of Tebow insures that Ryan won't be guaranteeing a Jets Super Bowl. Problem solved. Plus, once Tebow relays to the New York media the story of Mary Magdalene washing Jesus' feet, the press will finally have a better respect and understanding for Ryan's creepy foot fetish.
Broadway Will Embrace Tebow — Expect Tebowing: The Musical to open by Thanksgiving on Broadway, and have a longer run than Tebow as a Jet. If there's anyone that can make Tebow a star, it's Andrew Lloyd Webber.
"Tebowing" Will Take on a Whole New Meaning — NYC citizens will embrace "Tebowing" fastidiously, so much so that the practice of facing the Meadowlands and Tebowing five times a day will become commonplace.
Tebow Will Referee Team Disputes — Tebow will be more than happy to serve as a mediator is disagreements between players. But for God's sake, don't call him "devil's advocate."
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