* Strange Brew, or Milwaukee's Test — Milwaukee Brewers outfielder and National League most valuable player Ryan Braun tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. Braun is appealing the case, attempting to become the first MLB player to overturn a positive test. So it remains to be seen whether Braun will be pissed off or pissed on.
* Sitting 8 Count — Cincinnati and Xavier each suspended four players for their roles in a brawl that ended last Saturday's 76-53 Xavier win. Not to condone fighting in sports, but the brawl was easily the most competitive moment of the game.
* Oozing Machido, or Brazilian Wax, or No Bones About it — Jon Jones submitted Lyoto Machida with a standing guillotine choke to retain the light heavyweight title at UFC 140 on Saturday. Widely hailed as the greatest pound-for-pound fighter in the world, Jones has taken cage fighting to a new level, offsetting the accomplishments of the Cincinnati and Xavier basketball teams, who took "cage" fighting to new lows.
* Brain Freeze, or Lurch of the Penguin, or "Ding" Crosby" — Pittsburgh Penguin Sidney Crosby is out indefinitely after a recurrence of concussion-like symptoms. Crosby could return soon if cleared to play by Penguins doctors, or sooner if cleared to play by Steelers doctors.
* Luck Had No Bearing on the Outcome — Baylor's Robert Griffin III won the Heisman Trophy, outpointing Andrew Luck to win college football's most prestigious trophy. If he remains in school, Griffin has a chance to become only the second two-time winner, an amazing feat considering he just became the first III-time winner.
* Repeat Defender, or Mug Shot — Pittsburgh's James Harrison was suspended for one game for his helmet-to-helmet hit on Cleveland's Colt McCoy last Thursday. Upon hearing of the suspension, Harrison tweeted "LOL!" and appealed. The NFL rejected the appeal, and Roger Goodell reportedly tweeted, "You're a pill. Denied!"
* Close, Sesame! — The Orlando Magic pulled Dwight Howard off the trading block after considering offers from at least four teams. It appears that if Howard wants to change uniforms, his only option may be to make like Superman and find a phone booth.
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