Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Jacksonville @ Atlanta (-10½)
The Falcons blanked the Panthers in the second half last week, erasing a 23-7 deficit to win 31-23. At 8-5, Atlanta is in line for a wild card playoff berth. The 4-9 Jaguars pay a Thursday night visit to the Georgia Dome.
"What did one angry Atlanta pimp say to the other?" Mike Smith said. "'Control your own 'destiny.' We plan to apply that to our destiny, as well. Ideally, we'd like the No. 5 seed, which would likely entail a trip to the home of the NFC East champ. And, just as any good Atlanta pimp would tell a client, we'll 'leave happy.'"
The Jaguars crushed the Buccaneers 41-14, powered by 4 touchdowns from Maurice Jones-Drew, who leads the NFL in rushing with 1,222 yards. Sunday's win was the first for interim head coach Mel Tucker.
"That's right," Tucker said. "The Mel Tucker has his first win as a head coach. And I've got Jones-Drew to thank for that. It may be time we tried the Broncos offensive model. If Denver can have that much success with a good running back playing quarterback, just imagine what we can with the best running back at QB."
Matt Ryan throws for 260 yards and 2 touchdowns, one a 53-yard strike to Julio Jones, the NFL's most-dangerous receiver, but only in games that he plays.
Atlanta wins, 27-10.
Dallas @ Tampa Bay (+6)
The Cowboys blew another late lead, letting a 12-point, fourth-quarter lead slip away in a 37-34 loss to the Giants last Sunday night. As was the case in Week 13's loss in Arizona, Dallas was cursed by poor clock management and a missed Dan Bailey field goal.
"My team could drive an owner to drink," Jerry Jones said. "And drink I will. I just won't be having a 'Bailey's on Ice.' Despite playing indoors the last two weeks, Bailey hasn't been unable to shake off the 'cold.'
"Of course, some of the blame falls on Jason Garrett. I've only got one bit of advice for Garrett: the clock is ticking."
The Bucs are reeling after losing their seventh straight, a 41-14 shellacking at the hands of the Jaguars. After a 4-2 start, Tampa is 4-9 and tied for last in the NFC South.
"Not only have we been 'South,'" Raheem Morris said, "we've gone south.
"It's very unsettling to have an interim coach staring at you from across the way. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about Jacksonville's Mel Tucker last Sunday. I'm talking about Monday morning's coaches meeting after a 41-14 loss. Any one of those guys could replace me.
Dallas wins, 30-17.
Cincinnati @ St. Louis (+7)
The Bengals suffered a devastating 20-19 loss at home to the Texans, losing on T.J. Yates' 6-yard touchdown pass to Kevin Walter with two seconds left. It was a damaging blow to Cincinnati's wildcard hopes, leaving them 7-6 and trailing the Jets for the final berth.
"I swore I was done with kissing," Marvin Lewis said, "after infamously smooching with Chad Ochocinco back in 2008. I spoke too soon, because after Sunday's loss, I can kiss the playoffs goodbye."
The Rams are 2-11 after losing 30-13 to the Seahawks on Monday night. The 13 points were slightly below St. Louis' season average of 14 per game.
"There was a time," Sam Bradford said, "when the Rams offense was known as the 'Greatest Show on Earth.' That was a long time ago, or, more fittingly, 'scores' ago."
Cincinnati wins, 27-6.
New Orleans @ Minnesota (+7)
The Saints picked up a huge road win at Tennessee last week, winning 22-7, and now face another road test in Minnesota. Drew Brees passed for 337 yards and 2 touchdowns, and joined Johnny Unitas as the only quarterbacks to throw for touchdowns in 40 straight games.
"It's good to be back indoors," Brees said, "although in Minnesota's Mall of America Stadium, there is a pretty good chance of snow, and an even better chance of winning. The Vikes are 1-5 there this year, so, it may be re-named 'Maul of America Stadium.'
The Vikings lost 34-28 in Detroit last week and are now 2-11, tied with the Rams for the worst record in the NFC. Quarterback Christian Ponder was benched after throwing his third interception, but will remain the starter if healthy.
"Brees presents an enormous challenge for us," Leslie Frazier said. "He can only be described as 'extraordinary.' Our two quarterbacks, Ponder and Joe Webb, can be described nearly identically: they're 'extra ordinary.'"
New Orleans wins, 37-24.
Washington @ NY Giants (-7)
The Redskins hung tough with the Patriots last week before succumbing 34-27 in Washington. The 4-9 Redskins head to MetLife Stadium to face the Giants, who are tied for the NFC East lead with a 7-6 record.
"What's more amazing?" Rex Grossman said. "The fact hat I had the gall to guarantee a division title back in September, or the fact that it took until now for it to be proved false? The fate of the NFC East is like many of my passes — up in the air, with its outcome unsure."
The Giants ended a 4-game losing streak in dramatic fashion last Sunday night, beating the Cowboys in Dallas 37-34. The win was preserved when Jason Pierre-Paul blocked Dan Bailey's 47-yard field goal as time expired. New York and Dallas are now tied atop the NFC East standings at 7-6.
"Who's down with 'J.P.P.?" Tom Coughlin asked. "All the homies, and me. For the first time in weeks, I'm able to admit I'm proud to be a Giant. That makes me 'haughty by nature.'
"Jason is one of the most versatile lineman I've coached. He can stop the run, rush the pass, and his debut record, a Christmas album of duets with Peter Frampton called 'Peter, Pierre-Paul, and Merry,' hits stores soon.
New York wins, 27-24.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (+6½)
The Titans dropped to 7-6 after their comeback fell short last week against the Saints in a 22-17 loss. Jake Locker, who relieved the injured Matt Hasselbeck, accounted for 2 touchdowns to lead the Tennessee charge.
"Matt injured himself trying to do too much," Locker said. "With that being said, Chris Johnson hasn't missed any time due to injury. An injury to Johnson, on top of an injury to Hasselbeck, would compound our problems. That would be an injury to a calf, and an injury to a 'cash cow.'"
The Colts are 0-13 after losing 24-10 in Baltimore last week, and, barring an incredible turnaround, seemed almost assured of the No. 1 in April's NFL draft.
"There's only one 'incredible turnaround' we're concerned with," Jim Caldwell said. "And that's Peyton Manning being able to look behind him. Next year, when he looks behind him, he'll likely see Andrew Luck. That makes us all feel better.
"But we won the AFC South with a 10-6 record last year. We're 0-13 now. I think we're done with turnarounds."
Tennessee wins, 30-16.
Seattle @ Chicago (-4)
The Bears lost their third game in a row, falling 13-10 in overtime in Denver after holding a 10-0 fourth quarter lead. Chicago is 7-6 and looks to end their slide against the visiting Seahawks.
"Tim Tebow is a good running back," said a disgruntled Brian Urlacher. "Some say I'm a good safety. But calling Tebow a running back is no insult. The Bears, along with several other teams, would kill for a running back of Tebow's quality at quarterback."
The Seahawks have won four of their last five after Monday night's 30-13 win over the Rams, a game broadcast to, yet probably not viewed by, a national audience. Marshawn Lynch rushed for 115 yards and a touchdown, his ninth straight game with a touchdown.
"This is a rematch of last year's divisional playoff game," Lynch said. "Amazingly, just as was the case then, we're one game under .500."
The Seahawks are still alive for a playoff berth, but they'll need help. The Bears may disagree, but help comes in the form of Caleb Hanie, who turns the ball over three times. Lynch rushes for 112 tough yards, and finds the end zone for the 10th-straight game.
Seattle wins, 16-13.
Green Bay @ Kansas City (-14)
The 13-0 Packers quest for perfection heads to Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City, where the 5-8 Chiefs hope to make history. If the Chiefs are to deny the Packers, they'll have to do so with a new coach. On Monday, Todd Haley was fired, and defensive coordinator Romeo Crenel was named interim coach.
"There was a huge amount of distance between Haley and general manager Scott Pioli," Crenel said. "Apparently, Pioli wanted more. There's a lot riding on the game. We're playing to avenge the Chiefs Super Bowl 1 loss to the Packers, and we're also playing for AFC pride. Not only are the Packers out of our league, they're out of our conference."
Green Bay tuned up for Sunday's road trip with a resounding 46-16 win over the Raiders last week. The Packers built a 31-0 halftime lead and have scored at least 45 points in each of their three wins this year over AFC West teams.
"To say we're shooting for 16-0 would be an understatement," Aaron Rodgers said. "We're aiming for nothing less than a 21-0 lead after one quarter in Kansas City."
In honor of Hank Stram, the Packers matriculate down the field often, and walk away with an honorary degree in butt-whipping and a 35-10 victory.
Carolina @ Houston (-6½)
The Texans clinched the AFC North title with a dramatic 20-19 win in Cincinnati, as rookie quarterback T.J. Yates found Kevin Walter for a 6-yard touchdown with two seconds left. Houston clinched the AFC South title, and their next goal is securing a first-round bye.
"There are Texas-sized victories," Arian Foster said, "and there are Texas-seized wins. That was both. I'm holding up my index finger with pride. Gary Kubiak's holding up two ringers with equal pride, symbolizing his first foray into double-digit wins.
"Right now, we're the AFC's top seed, ahead of the other 10-3 teams, the Patriots and the Ravens. That means if the seeds hold, we'll host the AFC title game, as the underdog."
The Panthers blew a 23-7 halftime lead to the visiting Falcons, and eventually fell 31-23 to fall to 4-9 in the NFC South, tied with the Bucs for last.
"I vowed to bring a division title to Carolina," Cam Newton said. "It appears the NFL schedule beat me to it. You may have read an article about me in ESPN the Magazine. Not many athletes can say they've been investigated by ESPN, and the NCAA. I have, and in both cases, you could say I was guilty of having a mouth that roars."
Yates wins the battle of Carolina quarterbacks, as the former Tar Heel completes only 12 passes, but completes 41 handoffs to his running backs. Houston racks up 214 yards on the ground, and the Texans win, 33-22.
Miami @ Buffalo (-1½)
The Bills were blown out 37-10 by the resurgent Chargers in San Diego last week, suffering their sixth straight defeat. After a 5-2 start, Buffalo is now 5-8 and headed for another disappointing finish to the season.
"I'm very concerned about George Wilson," Chan Gailey said. "Nothing's wrong with George, I just fear for my safety, because AFC head coaches are dropping like passes to Stevie Johnson. I'm guessing Bills fans are anxious for my success. I'm guessing they're even more anxious for my successor."
The Dolphins were overwhelmed 26-10 by the Eagles, who forced 3 turnovers and sacked Miami quarterbacks 9 times. Not to be outdone, the Miami front office sacked Tony Sparano on Sunday, ending his four-year tenure in Miami.
"I thought my job was safe," Tony Sparano said. "I was wrong. It's in fact safer. I'm the hottest coaching prospect in the NFL, among former NFL coaches in line for a college job next year.
"But good luck to the Dolphins in their search for a new head coach. I hear Bill Cowher is at the top of the lisp."
Gailey's job is safe, at least from the Dolphins hunt for a new coach. Ryan Fitzpatrick tosses 2 touchdown passes, and former Bill J.P. Losman, starting for the injured Matt Moore, again does nothing to impress the Bills.
Buffalo wins, 28-21.
Detroit @ Oakland (+1)
The Raiders spotted the Packers a 34-0 lead before eventually losing 46-16 in Green Bay last week. Oakland has lost two in a row and lost their hold on the AFC West. They are 7-6, one game behind the 8-5 Broncos.
"We outscored the Packers 16-12 down the stretch ," Hue Jackson said. "Thank goodness for small victories, because we haven't had a big one in weeks.'
The 8-5 Lions pulled out a 34-28 win over the Vikings last week, and will head to Oakland with Ndamukong Suh in tow. Suh returns after serving a two-game suspension for stomping the arm of Green Bay's Evan Deitrich-Smith on Thanksgiving.
"The story is no longer Suh's foot," Jim Schwartz said. "Now, it's Suh's back. Oakland is the perfect place for Suh to return from suspension. He can leave footprints in a place known for its fingerprints."
Just before kickoff, the O.co Coliseum crowd welcomes NASCAR icon Dick Trickle to midfield for the tossing of the ceremonial first yellow flag. The Raiders follow with a physically-dominant performance, rushing for 206 yards as a team an out-personal fouling the Lions three to one.
Oakland wins, 34-31.
Cleveland @ Arizona (-6½)
The Cardinals stunned the 49ers 21-19 last week, buoyed by John Skelton's 282 yards passing and 3 touchdowns in relief of Kevin Kolb, who was knocked out early with a head injury.
"The Browns did something," Ken Whisenhunt said, "that no other team, including the Cardinals, could do. They got one good year out of Derek Anderson. We're trying to get one good year out of Kolb, but injuries have limited his effectiveness. Maybe, one year, he'll be good."
The Browns lost to the Steelers 14-3 last Thursday to drop to 4-9 in the AFC North. Quarterback Colt McCoy suffered a concussion on a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit from James Harrison. Harrison was suspended one game by the NFL on Tuesday.
"What's more egregious?" McCoy said. "Harrison's 'KO,' or the doctor's 'OK?' I've seen better testing from Vince Young. The moral of this story is: never trust the Magic 8-Ball in concussion tests."
Arizona wins, 26-17.
NY Jets @ Philadelphia (-1)
The Eagles whipped the Dolphins 26-10 in Miami to improve to 5-8 and remain alive in the NFC East race. Philadelphia will likely need to win their remaining three games to have any chance at a post-season berth.
"Cue the Rocky theme," Michael Vick said. "Maybe that will drown out what has been nothing short of a rocky themed season.
"But a sweep is not out of the question. Andy Reid's quite handy with a broom, and often uses it to brush aside questions about his job security and dissension on the team."
The Jets got 4 touchdowns from Mark Sanchez in a decisive 37-10 win over the lowly Chiefs. New York is now 8-5 and leads the race for the AFC's final wildcard spot.
"If we're leading something," Sanchez said, "it's probably not the division.
"But I've stepped up my game since Rex Ryan made me believe I might be getting benched. Finally, he realized that I only respond to being challenged by Rex Ryan, and not good defenses."
It's hard to get excited over a win over the Dolphins. I'm not speaking for myself. I'm speaking for the Eagles. Philly comes out flat again, and the Jets pound Shonn Greene at the soft sport in the Eagles defense, the heart. Greene rushes for 110 yards, and Sanchez throws 2 touchdown passes.
Jets win, 27-21.
New England @ Denver (+5)
Tom Brady and the 10-3 Patriots head to Invesco Field at Mile High Stadium with all intention of ending the Broncos six-game winning streak and quieting the Tim Tebow-mania that has engulfed the nation.
"I agree with Charles Barkley," Brady said. "The Tebow madness must end. I also agree with Tebow, in that Barkley opining on football is like Barkley instructing someone's golf swing. Chuck is a basket case, on the golf course and in matters of football.
"I think Tebow is great for football. Believe it or not, we have a lot in common. I'm married to a supermodel; Tebow is a super model. My reputation was built on the 'Tuck Rule;' Tim's was built on the 'Golden Rule.' We're both great in fourth quarters. I just happen to be great in Super Bowl fourth quarters."
The Broncos won their sixth consecutive game, overcoming a 10-0 deficit to the Bears in the final 2:08 of regulation to win in overtime, 13-10.
"I want to beat Brady just as much as I want to vanquish the devil," Tebow said. "So I'm calling this game the 'Satanic Versus.'"
This time, the Broncos don't need a fourth quarter comeback. After the Pats jump out to an early 13-0 advantage, Denver needs a first quarter comeback. It doesn't happen.
New England wins, 31-14.
Baltimore @ San Diego (+1)
The Chargers are back in the hunt for the AFC West title, thanks to a 37-10 win over the Bills last week, and losses by both the Raiders and Broncos. The 6-7 Chargers trail the 8-5 Broncos by two games, and a loss would likely end their hopes, regardless of the outcome of the New England-Denver game.
"We can't rely on other teams to win," Norv Turner said, "unless they're playing us."
The Ravens handed the Colts their 13th defeat, winning 24-10. At 10-3, Baltimore leads the AFC North and currently holds the conference's No. 2 seed.
"Philip Rivers leads the NFL in interceptions," John Harbaugh said. "Joe Flacco leads the league in fumbles. I thin Norv Turner would agree with me in that this game will be won with defense, because no one's had to 'defend' their quarterbacks more than Norv and I."
Baltimore wins, 34-27.
Pittsburgh @ San Francisco (-1)
The Steelers and 49ers boast 11 Super Bowls between them, and there could very well be a 12th should the two teams meet in Super Bowl XLVI. Despite losing 20-19 last week in Arizona, San Fran still holds the NFC's No. 2 seed.
"After last week's Monday night Rams/Seahawks contest," Mike Tomlin said, "Monday's game will look like the Super Bowl."
San Francisco wins, 20-17.
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