Which TV Sitcom is Your QB? (Part 2)

Don't miss Part 1: AFC Edition.

Last time, AFC quarterbacks were subjected to a comparison between their play and sitcoms of the 1980s to the present. Today, it's the NFC quarterbacks' turn for a pseudo-intellectual, utterly inane psychoanalysis vis-à-vis mainstream television.

Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers) — "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (2000-Present, Season 8)

Bill Simmons recently noted (astutely) that it was difficult to imagine Curb getting any better after recent seasons (Rodgers, too, with the 2010 Super Bowl MVP). Then season eight came along (2011). Based solely on listening to announcers praise Rodgers, I would have to guess he's thrown for roughly 18,000,000 yards this season with 1,000 TD and negative 23 INT (checking...) After doing the most rudimentary research, I notice I am slightly off. With two — potentially three — of what Simmons calls "Pantheon episodes" during Curb's eighth season, it was arguably the single greatest season of any sitcom in the history of television (2,800+/28/3/130.7 QBR). As a Bears fan, I can only hope that Rodgers cools off more than Larry David has.

Christian Ponder (Minnesota Vikings) —"Boy Meets World" (1993-2000, Season 1)

When little Corey Matthews (Ben Savage) first appeared on TGIF's Boy Meets World, you knew that after working out the kinks, he was going to be just fine. Christian Ponder's first three starts were against either Aaron Rodgers or Doogie Howser, M.D. (Cam Newton), so it's almost like he was already being compared to seasoned talents (his brother, Fred Savage's show, The Wonder Years). Having said that, he's shown the tools and the poise to indicate the Vikings made the right choice by investing in his future. After getting through Feeny's (Les Frasier) sixth-grade class, Ponder and Percy Harvin (Shawn Hunter) will become a deadly tandem and undoubtedly start to thrive in high school before riding off into the sunset hand in hand with Topanga (Adrian Peterson).

Jay Cutler (Chicago Bears) — "Roseanne" (1988-97, Season 5)

It seems like mentioning the TV show Roseanne elicits nauseous grimaces from a majority of people nowadays. This is the same with uttering Cutler's name. Both are remembered more for rubbing people the wrong way (so to speak) than for their merits — which are many. By season five, Roseanne had already experienced success with a No. 1 Nielsen rating in season two (Pro Bowl in 2008). The fifth season revolved around drama: Jackie dates an abusive man (offensive coordinator Mike Martz, who calls plays that nearly get Cutler killed) until Dan (Lovie Smith) beats him up, Darlene (Matt Forte) gets accepted to an art school (has a breakout season), and Nancy comes out as a lesbian (I feel like there's an offensive line joke in there somewhere). The face of the show may not be likable (Roseanne/Cutler), but by now the success of the product is becoming more evident.

Matthew Stafford (Detroit Lions) — "Archer" (2009-Present, Season 3) "WWE SmackDown!" (1999-Present, Any Season)

I changed my mind last minute on this one. I thought the parallels between Stafford and Archer were uncanny: you never know if either is going to finish the season before cancellation/injury, but when healthy, each puts up solid numbers (20 TD, 8 INT, 89.9 QBR). Then, this happened. I feel like Archer (the show, not the character) would never pull the TV equivalent of ripping an opponent down by the helmet out of frustration (because there is none). Therefore, Stafford gets WWE SmackDown! by default: has had some high ratings here and there, will probably stick around, but suffers from a lack of wholesomeness and class — which is why the only networks willing to air it are the late UPN and SyFy.

Eli Manning (New York Giants) — "Ally McBeal" (1997-2002, Season 4)

As you probably know, Eli Manning comes from a legacy of quarterbacks: brother Peyton and father Archie. As you probably don't know (or care), Ally McBeal spawned from a legacy of David E. Kelley shows: L.A. Law, The Practice, Boston Legal, et al. Though considered to be less of a real threat than his brother (his other shows), Manning won the Super Bowl (Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Comedy) in his fourth season (third season). After making a bold claim that he was elite prior to this season, he has proven as much with stellar numbers (102.3 QBR, 11 TD, 5 INT). Ally McBeal took a nosedive in its fifth season though, so if this analogy is correct, do not pick Eli as your 2012 fantasy QB. You've been warned.

Michael Vick (Philadelphia Eagles) — "Family Guy" (1999-2001, 2004-Present, Any Season)

Michael Vick and Family Guy both showed flashes of brilliance in their first few seasons; however, Family Guy was ultimately cancelled in 2001 and Vick jailed in 2007. After a few seasons off, Family Guy (Vick) became a cult hit (praised/signed by the Philadelphia Eagles), returned amid some controversy (returned amid some controversy), and performed better than ever (100.2 QBR, 21 TD, 6 INT, 3,018 yards). As time has passed, Family Guy has recycled the same jokes over and over (offensive strategies) and viewers (other teams) have slowly been falling off the bandwagon (kicking the "Dream Team" around). Vick probably has some more good years in him, but he needs to stop relying on awkward interactions between Brian and Stewie (Desean Jackson/Jeremy Maclin) for his humor (wins).

Rex Grossman (Washington Redskins) — "Joey" (2004-2006, Season 1)

In 2006, Sexy Rexy was the leader of the NFC champion Chicago Bears (cast member of NBC hit show Friends). After the show ended, some executives who clearly had a lapse in creativity (and judgment) believed that this man could live on his own if given a new environment. Hence the genesis of Joey (2011 Redskins), a spin-off sitcom starring Matt LeBlanc. The first few episodes earned decent ratings (three quick wins), but once people started viewing Joey for what it really was (an interception machine?), it tanked (lost, and lost, and lost, and threw more interceptions). With 6 TD, 11 INT, and a 65.3 QBR, Rexy and Joey will inevitably be remembered as guys that were fine as part of an ensemble cast, but certainly could not carry a show as the lead role.

Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys) — "Married With Children" (1987-97, Any Season)

Married With Children was a show about a dysfunctional family. Romo's Cowboys are a dysfunctional family (and have been for a while). Both Romo and Married With Children were viewed negatively at their inception (undrafted/denied by Big Three networks). Both, for some strange reason, are easy for people to dislike. Yet, Romo and the FOX sitcom experienced undeniable success. With the third highest QBR in NFL history (95.8), critics can say what they want about him, but Tony Romo will continue to have his dysfunctional family renewed year after year.

Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers) — "Doogie Howser, M.D." (1989-93, Season 1)

Oh, come on — do I even need to explain? Mature beyond his years, a ratings grabber, and the tools to keep running indefinitely! Unfortunately, those "tools" dried up quite quickly with Doogie, leading to an abrupt cancellation after the fourth season. Carolina fans hope Newton does not follow the same path and mysteriously vanish to NFL Europe (or just Europe, as Howser apparently did in the final episode). Based on early results, Carolina fans have reason to hope.

Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints) — "The Office" (2005-Present, Season 4)

When drafted by San Diego, people questioned his arm, his height, his NFL pedigree (asking questions like, "can a British comedy really succeed in the U.S.?") The answer is, if you have a cast of characters like Marques Colston (Jim), Darren Sproles (Pam), Jimmy Graham (Kevin), and, previously, Jeremy Shockey (Creed), of course you can! Brees is having another potential record-setting season (3,326 yards, 101.6 QBR) and his team is leading the NFC South as usual (owning the primetime slot for NBC Thursdays). Despite Meredith being run over by Michael Scott's car (Sean Payton breaking his leg after a collision with his own player), Brees still has the Saints in a good position to maintain power in the NFC for several years to come.

Josh Freeman (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) — "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" (1990-96, Season 4)

Few people realize that when NBC turned to Will Smith and asked if he wanted a pilot show, Smith had been dealing with severe money issues, nearing bankruptcy. Most people, however, do remember that when Freeman was asked to start games for the Bucs, many people believed that— to resort to someone like him — the Bucs must have been dealing with severe money issues, nearing bankruptcy. However, both went on to win over the sentiments of their superiors. By its fourth season, co-star Alfonso Ribiero (LeGarrette Blount) was capturing much of the attention, but Smith stayed strong in the lead. Right now, Freeman is floundering (9 TD, 13 INT, 72.7 QBR), but fans are hoping he can "whistle for a cab" and when it comes near, "the license plate says FRESH and there's a dice in the mirror" … you get the point.

Matt Ryan (Atlanta Falcons) — "How I Met Your Mother" (2005-Present, Season 5)

An above-average leader (Ryan/Ted) playing alongside a fantastic ensemble cast (Michael Turner, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez/Barney, Lilly, Marshall) in an ideal situation (Georgia Dome/poor comedy climate in 2005 television). This is a formula for success. After a few seasons, though, you wonder if all the "talent" you saw initially wasn't just circumstantial. Season five of How I Met Your Mother felt a little stale; they decided to have Barney date Robin to spice it up. Please. The 2011 season has been the same for Ryan; a familiar formula needing some upgrades (big games from Julio Jones) to stay in the wild card hunt. Please. Then again, if the Lions falter (syndication on TBS, Lifetime, and WGN) as usual, both might live on this season.

Kevin Kolb (Arizona Cardinals) — "Suddenly Susan" (1996-2000, Season 4)

The only reason Kolb had any stock was due to a few successful starts in between Donovan McNabb (Friends, the 8 PM time slot) and Michael Vick (Seinfeld, the 9 PM time slot). He looked great because he had support all around him, but once performing on his own in Arizona, the world saw that Kolb was nothing more than a mediocre QB. Similarly, Suddenly Susan toiled in mediocrity until its cancellation in 2000. Let's just say that if John Skelton had been Brooke Shields' backup, Suddenly Susan might have kept getting opportunities to throw interceptions, too.

Alex Smith (San Francisco 49ers) — "Moesha" (1996-2001, Season 5)

"Why is this show still on?!" Well, because Brandy was a successful artist (high school, college quarterback), won a Grammy (drafted first overall), and UPN didn't have anything better (the 49ers don't have anything better). Surprisingly, Moesha actually experienced moderate success — even in its fifth (seventh) season. Smith is currently leading the second-best team in the NFL and is experiencing a better resurgence than Brandy's rap alter-ego "Bran'Nu" could have ever imagined. With subtly impressive numbers (95.8 QBR, 11 TD, 3 INT), Smith might finally be proving that "The Boy is Mine" (err, the job should be his).

Tarvaris Jackson/Charlie Whitehurst (Seattle Seahawks) — "$#*! My Dad Says" (2011)

After an offseason in which the organization signed Sidney Rice (garnered a huge following through a blog then a book), critics were stunned that the Seahawks didn't do more to improve their main position (critics were stunned this show was given an opportunity). Jackson has been bad, Whitehurst worse, and the show absolutely atrocious. Much like the ill-fated attempt at a sitcom, these quarterbacks seem doomed to failure.

Sam Bradford (St. Louis Rams) — "Growing Pains" (1985-92, Any Season)

He plays for the St. Louis Rams. If that doesn't provide growing pains, I don't know what does. I suggest he endear himself to Mike Seaver fans by growing a Permullet (a hybrid perm-mullet).

Feel free to provide feedback as I pontificate where I want to take my next list. Enjoy a week where you're guaranteed not to lose, Colts fans!