NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Pt. 1)

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

New Orleans @ Green Bay (-5)

It's not officially football season until Hank Williams, Jr. asks, "Are you ready for some football?" Thanks to the banality of preseason football, the answer to that question is always a resounding "yes." Thursday night's opener features the last two Super Bowl champs, as the Packers host the Saints.

"Indeed," said Aaron Rodgers. "We are ready for some football. I'm healthy, Clay Matthews' hair is conditioned, and the ghost of Brett Favre has been fully exorcised, although even a ghost makes fewer comebacks than Favre. Our goal this year is to defend our title, and we fully intend to stay on top. Unlike Hank, Jr., we won't fall off the mountain."

The Saints ended the 2010 season on a sour note, becoming the first team to lose a playoff game to a team with a losing record. New Orleans fell to the 7-9 Seahawks, abruptly terminating their hopes for a Super Bowl repeat.

"We spent much of the off-season lamenting missed opportunities," Sean Payton said. "80% of those missed opportunities were errant attempts to tackle Marshawn Lynch. Apparently, around here, 'tackling dummies' have names.

"We know most people don't give us much of a chance to beat the Packers at Lambeau. Don't sell us short. When motivated, this team is capable of anything. We'll just have to find something to rally around, whether that be a campfire, Drew Brees' annoying woofing, or the latest tropical depression."

Rodgers throws for 274 yards and 2 scores, narrowly out-dueling Brees, who tosses a late interception to kill a potential game-winning drive.

Green Bay wins, 31-28.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-2½)

In a rematch of last year's classic AFC divisional playoff game, the Ravens host the Steelers in what is arguably the NFL's most heated rivalry. Last year, the Steelers beat the Ravens to advance to the AFC Championship game.

"That loss still eats at us," Ray Lewis said. "But I don't expect the same outcome come Sunday. Just as Ben Roethlisberger said to his new bride, 'Things will be different.' I congratulate Big Ben on his marriage. Frankly, I'm surprised a woman said 'I do' to Big Ben. I'm even more surprised that Ben actually gave a woman a choice."

Speaking of "choices," the Steelers are the choice of many to repeat as the AFC's representative in the Super Bowl. A win in Baltimore would be an important first step toward that goal.

"There's always a lot of trash talk when the Steelers and Ravens meet," Mike Tomlin said. "This game is no exception. Already, players have been insulted on both sides. And that's just taking into account what's come out of James Harrison's mouth. James makes Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sound like a mute. In his interview in Mens Journal magazine, it was 'James Harrison: Uncensored.' After I had a talk with him, it was 'James Harrison: Censured."

The Ravens raise Harrison's hackles when, during player introductions, the public address system plays the Gap Band's "Oops Upside Your Head." Harrison strikes back by casually riding a stretcher driven by a Hines Ward onto the field. A shoving match ensues, and the dugouts empty, resulting in a bitch-clearing brawl.

Order is restored, and after three quarters, the game is tied 17-17. Billy Cundiff gives the Ravens a late 20-17 lead with a 33-yard field goal. But, the Steelers march down the field quickly, and Roethlisberger finds Hines Ward for a 10-yard score. Ward celebrates by walking a straight line on the Ravens goal line.

Pittsburgh wins, 24-20.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland (-6½)

The Browns open the season by welcoming their in-state rivals the Bengals to the Dawg Pound, where fans are excited about the possibilities of a team led by second-year quarterback Colt McCoy. McCoy spent a few days in July in Mississippi learning the nuances of the West Coast offense from Brett Favre. Reportedly, Favre evaluated the young Brown's performance and later texted McCoy his grade.

"Unlike Jenn Sterger," McCoy said, "I didn't get a 'D.' I got an 'A.' Favre is all business on the field, but I must say, he knows how to have a good time off it. When I found out I was meeting Favre in Mississippi to train, little did I know I'd also get to run one.

"But what a difference a year makes. This year, I picked the brain of Favre. Last year, I had 'QB Camp" with John Gruden while he picked my brain. In both cases, the brain in question had nothing to hide."

In Cincinnati, the Bengals are a team in transition, a transition, one may suggest, from a 4-12 last year to one even worse this year. Marvin Lewis kissed Chad Ochocinco's ass "goodbye," but Carson Palmer wasn't allowed to escape, as owner Mike Brown failed to acquiesce to Palmer's trade demands. Now the offense will be even more reliant on running back Cedric Benson, who, despite his age (28), is still considered "fresh out of the box."

"That's right," said Marvin Lewis. "Cedric spent five days in jail for a misdemeanor assault charge before being released early for good behavior. I've always said Cedric was a good short 'yard-age' back. In this day and age of text messaging and short Twitter updates, it's good to see a 'complete sentence' out of someone."

McCoy is solid for the Browns, with one passing score, a rush touchdown, and a filthy post-game text message. But Benson keeps the Bengals in it, rushing for two short scores and taking much of the pressure off of quarterback Andy Dalton. In the end, Phil Dawson's game-winning field goal gives the Brown a 23-20 win.

Indianapolis @ Houston (-6)

It's difficult to imagine the Colts being quarterbacked by anyone other than Peyton Manning. Offseason neck surgery has sidetracked Manning's offseason preparations, and it appears that doctors won't clear him to play against the Texans.

"My streak of 208 consecutive starts may be ending," Manning said. "That means Brett Favre's 292-game record will remain intact. But don't despair Colts' fans. The Indy offense will be in capable hands with Kerry Collins behind the wheel, provided he's not drinking. However, I'm not sure who my mere presence on the sideline strikes more fear into — the Texans, or my own team."

The Texans finished 6-10 last year, well behind Indy's 10-6 division-winning record. This year, nothing less than the AFC South crown will suit Gary Kubiak, or the man paying his salary, Bob McNair, as many contend it's a "playoffs or your job" ultimatum for Kubiak.

"I've won 37 games as Texans coach," Kubiak said, "but there's one victory that has eluded me. I've yet to 'win over' McNair.

"Sure, it's a game against the Colts, but it's only the first game of the season. I hesitate to call it a 'big' game, if for no other reason than Houston has never won a big game."

Can the Colts win without Manning? Not as easily as the New York Giants, but it can be done. Anyone can pass on the Houston secondary, so Collins should have success, especially with a number of weapons at his disposal. Unfortunately, no Peyton is as much a detriment to the Colts defense as it is to the Indy offense.

Matt Schaub throws for 301 yards and 3 scores, one to Arian Foster, who is all smiles after the game, and posts his dental X-rays on Twitter to prove it.

Houston wins, 34-30.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville (-3)

New Titans head coach Mike Munchak breathed a sigh of relief when running back Chris Johnson signed a contract extension in late August after a long holdout.

"Kerry Collins and Vince Young have found new teams," Munchak said, "and I'd like to wish them 'well' by saying 'good' riddance. In addition, Randy Moss has retired. Finally, an instance of Moss 'quitting' that no one will complain about. But we shouldn't be surprised if Moss makes a comeback at some point this year. He retires much as he played — half-heartedly.

"Johnson will carry this team, but we expect major contributions from Matt Hasselbeck, our prized free agent acquisition. Matt will be asked to do a lot, but not too much. That's why we'll leave the calling of coin tosses to someone else."

Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio enters his ninth season as the Jaguars head coach, and much like fellow AFC South coach Gary Kubiak, anything short of a playoff berth may mean the end of Del Rio's tenure in Jacksonville.

"Tenure?" said Del Rio. "That sounds an awful lot like '10-year,' which is an anniversary I won't be seeing unless this team produces. If we make the playoffs, it will be without quarterback David Garrard, whom we released on Tuesday. Obviously, we wanted to head in different directions — David's heading north, and we're going south.

"But don't discount our quarterbacks. Luke McCown, one-half of the 'Insane McCown Posse,' is serviceable, and here's hoping his capability outweighs his culpability. Waiting in the wings is rookie Blaine Gabbert, who goes by the nickname 'Yo Gabba,' the franchise's quarterback of the future. He's the long-term solution, a solution that comes in a 'can,' my firing."

McCown is KO'd early, and Gabbert soon finds the NFL learning curve is steep, much like Del Rio's impending downfall.

Johnson rushes for a quiet 95 yards, and catches a TD pass from Hasselbeck, who throws for 210 yards.

Tennessee wins, 24-17.

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