* Caddy Shaft — Adam Scott won the World Golf Championship in Ohio with Steve Williams serving as his caddy, a month after Williams was fired by Tiger Woods, who finished 18 shots back. Williams called it the most satisfying win of his career, while Scott quipped that he pays Williams to put clubs in his hands, not words in his mouth. Scott also said Williams was even less qualified to talk about winning than Charlie Sheen.
* The Blindside, or Joe Pa(in), or Tackling Dummy, or Littany (of Injuries) Lion — Penn State coach Joe Paterno was injured when a receiver crashed into him during practice on Sunday. Paterno suffered injuries to his right shoulder and hip, including a hairline fracture to his pelvis. Upon his release from the hospital, Paterno downplayed the injuries, saying it may take only one player to take Joe Paterno down, but it takes an entire university to bring down a coach like, say, Jim Tressel.
* High, My Name is Ricky (Not High, My Name is Still Ricky), or Supporting Roll — The Baltimore Ravens signed former Miami running back Ricky Williams to a two-year, $2.5 million contract, adding depth to their running attack after releasing Willis McGahee. Williams said he hopes to be the solution to the Ravens recent postseason shortcomings, in which they've failed to make the Super Bowl in the last three years, a trend Williams described as "chronic."
* Don't Pay For Me, Argentina, or Baby Love — Real Madrid signed seven-year-old Argentine soccer prodigy Leonel Angel Coira to its youth soccer academy. Coira had tryouts with Real Madrid and Athletico Madrid, but chose Madrid. Coira's favorite player is Lionel Messi, and his favorite cartoon is Scooby Doo.
* Johnson-ville Brat, or Gold (Tooth) Standard — Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson continued his holdout, seeking a new long term contract despite renegotiating last year. Johnson is scheduled to make $800,000 in base salary this year, and the Titans said they won't renegotiate until Johnson reports to camp. An increasingly impatient Johnson said the Titans need to put their money where their mouth is so he can put the money where his teeth are.
* Get Used to More Screens — The NFL is instituting game-day testing for performance-enhancing drugs this season under the new collective bargaining agreement. The game-day testing does not include recreational drugs, which is good news for all parties, particularly those that Santonio Holmes may attend.
* "Hanging" Chad, or Mi Casa Es Su Casa — Chad Ochocinco said he plans to live with a fan for the first few weeks of the season, although he has yet to determine how to chose the fan. Ochocinco has also yet to determine whether the fan will be called "lucky."
* Dirty Deeds Not Done Dirt Cheap, or Did He? Dirty Money — Newly-released records show that former Ohio State coach Jim Tressel made $21.7 million over his 10-year career, including $3.5 million in 2010. Many were surprised that Tressel made that much, except for his former players, who were surprised he made that little.
* Jesus Sighed, or He's Abstaining, From Starting, or Kyle Orton Follows Tim Tebow, But Only on Twitter — Despite high hopes for the 2011 season, Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is listed as the backup to Kyle Orton. Tebow's No. 15 jersey remains a top seller, proving that his fans are not ashamed at all about wearing "second-hand" clothes.
* Time to Call an Audible, or Eastern Promises, or Nostro-Dumbass — Washington quarterback Rex Grossman predicted an NFC East title this season for the Redskins, who finished 6-10 last year. Grossman added that, unfortunately, his prediction would not come to fruition because he also predicts the world to end on October 21, long before the 'Skins clinch the division.
* Traffic Stop, is This Some Kind of Bust? — Earnhardt Ganassi Racing fired two team members who were arrested on charges of trafficking marijuana. Huntersville, North Carolina police arrested the two, both of whom worked on Juan Montoya's team, after seizing 10.5 pounds of marijuana that had been shipped from California. The story quickly hit the NASCAR gossip mill, and soon rumors of someone having a "seizure" at EGR, coupled with the mysterious appearance of a "bundle of joy," had everyone talking.
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