Foul Territory: College Strippers and Busch Whippers

* "Canned" Heat — Dallas guard DeShawn Stevenson said LeBron James "checked out" in the final minutes of the Mavericks 86-83 over the Heat on Tuesday. James scored only 8 points, the first time he's failed to score in double-digits in 90 career playoff games. Stevenson also called James and Dwyane Wade "great actors" earlier in the week. It just goes to show that Stevenson can "spit" game as well as James can "throw" game.

* Buck Eyesore — Ohio State's Terrelle Pryor announced through his attorney on Tuesday that he will not return for his senior season. He had already been suspended for the first five games of the season, and he will likely declare himself available for the NFL supplemental draft. Uncharacteristically, and to the surprise of area car salesmen and tattoo artists, Pryor said he wasn't "coming back for more." Also surprisingly, OSU's compliance department commended Pryor's announcement, as it marked the first time he'd told the truth in well over two years. Pryor said he looked forward to the professional game, but not the pay cut it would entail.

* Gone "Limp," or Major Boner — Tiger Woods pulled out of the U.S. Open because of ongoing injuries to his left leg, temporarily suspending his pursuit of Jack Nicklaus' record of 18 majors. It will be the first U.S. Open Woods has missed since 1994. Ratings for NBC and ESPN's coverage of the event are sure to plummet, although that will likely be offset by a rise in the quality of play.

* Fuzzy Baller, or Racket-tier — Rafael Nadal won the French Open title on Sunday, defeating his rival, Switzerland's Roger Federer, 7-5, 7-6 (5), 5-7, 6-1. It was Nadal's sixth French title, tying him with Bjorn Borg, and his 10th Grand Slam title, which leaves him six behind Federer in major championships. Nadal has beaten Federer in their last four Grand Slam head-to-head matchups, leaving Federer mystified and wondering if, like a true Swiss, he's stuck in "neutral."

* "Head" Lock, or $150,000 Richard, or $150,000 Poorer — Car owner Richard Childress attacked Kyle Busch on Saturday after the NASCAR Camping World trucks race, punching Busch and putting him in a headlock. On Monday, NASCAR fined Childress $150,000 and placed him on probation until the end of the year. So neither party went unpunished.

* "Inside" Technique, or Warning Shot, or This Time the Discharge Was Welcome — Plaxico Burress left jail on Monday after serving 20 months for illegally carrying and firing a gun at a Manhattan nightclub in November of 2008. Agent Drew Rosenhaus said Burress would immediately begin training for a comeback, and any of the NFL's 32 teams is a potential landing spot. Burress reportedly persevered through prayer, family, and a cell mate nicknamed "Left Guard," who protected his backside.

* Strip Club, or Poll Dance Revolution, or It's the First Time Matt Leinart's Ever Had a Problem Giving Anything Up — Southern California was stripped of its 2004 national title on Monday, mostly as a result of sanctions stemming from the Reggie Bush investigation. The Trojans 55-19 2005 Orange Bowl victory over Oklahoma was wiped from the record books, but USC will not have to relinquish their Associated Press national championship. Bush, who had to return his Heisman Trophy award, will likely have to take up fishing if he ever again wants to utter the words "it's a keeper."

* Shaq Off, or Shaq to the Future — Shaquille O'Neal announced his retirement from the NBA last Friday, ending his 19-year career that began with the Magic and saw him star for five other teams. The versatile O'Neal, who has an MBA and has served as a police officer, plans to earn his doctorate in human resources. Thus, the post-NBA O'Neal will be even more well-rounded than he was during his playing days.

* He Made This Bed of "Nails," Now He Has to Lie In It — Former New York Met and Philadelphia Phillie Lenny Dykstra was jailed on Monday, charged with 25 felony and misdemeanor counts of grand theft auto, as well as drug possession. Dykstra was accused of using phony information to lease a car from a Southern California dealership. It was the latest in a number attempts at fraud by Dykstra, but not the last — he was recently accused of the same by Major League Baseball for petitioning to add 25 steals to his career statistics.

* Rome Is Adjourning, or Gone But Not Forgotten — Vancouver defenseman Aaron Rome was suspended four games by the NHL for his blindside hit on Boston's Nathan Horton Monday that left Horton with a severe concussion. Rome will miss the remainder of the Stanley Cup finals, and if he is to face judgment at the hands of Boston, it will come when the Bruins and Canucks meet next season. If retribution is coming, it will be a long time "Bruin."

* Peacock of the Walk — NBC retained rights to air the Olympic Games through 2020, paying over $4 billion in winning the first U.S. rights auction since 2003, when the network secured the 2010 and 2012 Games. NBC beat out competing bids from ESPN and Fox, as well as a surprising proposal from MTV. Ultimately, MTV's chances disintegrated when the selection committee discovered the network wished to make teen pregnancy an Olympic sport.

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