* Choker Ace, or Number One With a Bullet(in) Detailing the Itinerary of Your Early Flight Home — The East's No. 1 seed, Pittsburgh, lost to Butler on Saturday, adding to a history of recent early failures in the NCAA tournament. Pittsburgh's Nasir Robinson fouled Butler's Matt Howard on a rebound of a free throw with .8 seconds left, allowing Howard to make the game-winning free throw. They cab blame the laying of an egg on a stupid "fowl." It's a testament to physical basketball, in that only after the rigors of a full Big East season were the Panthers able to beat themselves.
* No Defense, or Goin' Back From Cali — Three of the four higher seeds lost in the regional semifinals on Thursday night. Duke, the West's No. 1 seed, fell 93-77 to fifth-seeded Arizona in Anaheim, ending the Devils' run at a second-straight national championship. The Wildcats outscored the Blue Devils by 22 points in the second half, exposing Duke's "devil-may-care" attitude towards defense. It's proof that defense is not defined by how hard you slap the floor, especially when your feet are nailed to it.
* Minnesota Spiking — Los Angeles Laker Andrew Bynum was suspended for two games for a flagrant foul 2 that left Minnesota's Michael Beasley on his back. Timberwolves head coach Kurt Rambis, when asked to comment, said it reminded him of the good old days, when a foul that left you on your back was called "practice." Bynum now gives the Lakers a "cheap shot artist" to complement their established "cheap shot Artest."
* Gangsta App — PGA bad boy Tiger Woods launched a mobile phone application called "Tiger Woods: My Swing" on Wednesday for the iPhone and iPod. The app is aimed at helping golfers improve through video analysis and instruction. The app is available via the internet for $9.99. However, Woods cautioned that Googling "Tiger Woods," "swing," and "video" would likely lead one to a less instructive, albeit more entertaining, site.
* Crime Doesn't Pay-Per-View or New Jersey Dragnet — UFC fighter Jon Jones chased down a thief on the streets of Patterson, New Jersey, just hours before showing no apprehension in demolishing Mauricio Rua at UFC 128 to become the youngest champion in the organization's history. UFC president Dana White lauded Jones for his heroics, while WWE boss Vince McMahon expressed his appreciation, as well, for making the situation seem not the least bit "scripted."
* Pearl Jam, or Take Me to Your Misleader — Tennessee fired men's basketball head coach Bruce Pearl after a tumultuous season that saw Pearl accused of unethical conduct for lying to NCAA investigators. The University demanded Pearl purge himself of all things Tennessee. So, in the span of less than a year, Pearl went from the invoking to the revoking of his right to "Volunteer anything."
* As Per Jury — Jury selections were made for the perjury trial of home run king Barry Bonds, who is charged with lying to a grand jury about his alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs. Twelve jurors were chosen after being approved by the prosecution and Bonds' lawyers, who deemed the jurors "in the clear." If Bonds is to truly be judged by a jury of his "peers," is it safe to assume that 2/3 of those jurors, are, in fact, on performance-enhancing drugs?
* Bonds Have More Funds — Bonds' high-priced defense lawyer, like Bonds' supplier, whipped out his best stuff early, with the comically outrageous claim that Bonds took steroids, but only because he was misled by a personal trainer into thinking he was only taking flaxseed oil and arthritis cream. Baseball announcing great Vin Scully expressed his disbelief with a variation of his famous call when he said, "I don't believe what I just heard!" Harry Caray chimed in from the grave with an exclamation of "Holy bull!" And the voice of Bob Uecker commented that the claim was "Juuust a bit outlandish."
* Commission Implausible — The NFL players union responded very unfavorably to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's e-mail urging them to return to the negotiating table, with many players calling Goodell a "liar." In light of Goodell's earlier promise to cut his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage, it seems that players are telling the commissioner to go suck a big, fat "one."
* Hall of Fame Defender, Habitual Offender — Lawrence Taylor was sentenced to six year's probation for an encounter with an underage prostitute. Taylor avoided a more serious statutory rape charge, and will have to abide by the conditions of a sex offender. I guess it is true: Taylor is a moral deviant. And that's not just "crazed dogma."
* Paul Blart-ed, or Possession of Crack — Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant was thrown out of a Dallas mall by off-duty police officers after a dispute over the sagging pants worn by Bryant and his friends. According to the police report, Bryant became belligerent when asked to leave, leading to their escort off the premises. Apparently, even Cowboy wide receivers are as equally deficient as Cowboy defensive backs, in that they all lack "man coverage" skills.
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