* No Pain? No Feign? — Jay Cutler is vindicated when medical evaluation reveals sprained knee ligaments. Subsequent visit to Chicago-area OB/GYN reveals an extremely healthy vagina.
* Exchange of DNA — Mark Sanchez picked his nose, and wiped it on teammate Mark Brunell on national television during Sunday's AFC championship game. In a season marked by brash and boastful statements towards opponents, it was the best "dig" yet by a Jet. In Sanchez's defense, however, Joe Namath's career-defining moment, when he jogged victoriously off the field after Super Bowl III, involved a finger, as well.
* You No-Good, Lousy CBA! — Antonio Cromartie lashed out at the NFL and the players union with an expletive-laced tirade regarding the collective bargaining agreement. You think Cromartie is worried about a potential work stoppage? Not nearly as much as his baby mommas.
* Trade-a-Bate — Carson Palmer has demanded a trade from Bengals, threatening retirement if he's not accommodated, but owner Mike Brown says there's no chance Palmer will be traded. With his bluff called, it's reported that Palmer is pursuing another option, that of "resigning" to play for the Bengals next year.
* Rip Tied — Richard Hamilton balked at head coach Jon Kuester's indirect approach to reaching out to the Pistons guard after a three-team trade that would have sent Hamilton to the New Jersey Nets fell through. The Pistons have vowed to get Hamilton out of Detroit, shopping the disgruntled star around the league with the catchy slogan "Rip Hamilton: A New One?"
* Fish Kill — Jeff Fisher is out as Tennessee Titans head coach. Fisher and team owner Bud Adams had clashed on a number of issues lately, but that didn't stop Adams from saying farewell with a kind parting gift — a finger.
* Kraut it Out Loud — Germany's Martin Kaymer displaced Tiger Woods as the world's No. 2-ranked golfer. Reportedly, Kaymer deadpanned that he finally knew what it was like to be Tiger, as he was able to look down on someone going down.
* Age Spotter — Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died Sunday at the age of 96. Just to put LaLanne's age in perspective, Raiders owner Al Davis wasn't alive when LaLanne was born, nor was Davis alive when LaLanne died.
* He Nailed the Dismount — Rashard Mendenhall "humped" Ben Roethlisberger after Roethlisberger took a knee at the end of Pittsburgh's 24-19 AFC championship win over the Jets. Indeed, "knee" means "yes." It surely wasn't the first time Roethlisberger had been asked to "assume the position."
* More of the Same — Chad Ochocinco announced plans to change his last name back to "Johnson." However, it's not yet clear whether he'll call himself a Bengal next season.
* Mike Check — Michael Vick signed his first endorsement deal since his release from prison, inking a deal with Unequal Technologies, a football pad manufacturer. It's currently unclear what Vick's role as endorser will entail, but most market analysts agree it won't be an ad campaign featuring the words "bury the competition."
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