On Food and Sports

Whenever I attend a live sporting event, I get a hot dog. No, I mean every time. The only exception is if I've already had a hot dog from that venue. This is the closest thing I have to a religious ritual. It doesn't matter if I'm at the Super Bowl or one of 20 people at a high school basketball game, munching store-bought hot dogs wrapped in Wonder bread.

The best hot dogs I have had at a game were at Cleveland Stadium, may she rest in peace. They came in foil packages so hot you could barely take the hot dogs out to dress them. I slathered them in stadium mustard — make that Stadium Mustard, a Cleveland institution, and the best mustard on the planet — and sauerkraut. This is how I take my hot dogs today, or with mustard alone if no sauerkraut is available. My only deviation is sometimes I add onions (cheese dogs/chili dogs are another category to me).

The worst sports hot dog I've ever had? I can't think of one. That's what makes hot dogs the ideal sports food. It's nearly impossible to screw up, and you can eat it with one hand, not taking your eyes off the action. The only bad hot dog I can recall getting was not sports-related ... it was at a Hardee's and it was not heated in any way.

The most interesting sports hot dog I have had was recently at the American Airlines Center in Dallas, where I saw the Stars defeat the Coyotes. First, the hot dogs were $9.00. I laughed when I saw that price. A hot dog that costs more than a pack of prison cigarettes.

Still, I bought it, and ... I'm trying to think of the right words to describe its size, its circumference (that's what she said). Maybe if you melded three regular hot dogs together, or four.

Dear reader, I ate two. It was the kind of meal where you eat it, and then feel ashamed for what you have done.

My girlfriend, by contrast, had a baked potato with barbecued beef. Normally, this would be a terrible sports food, but she's off the hook because she ate it during intermission. But foods that require utensils do not make good sports-viewing food. For one, you have to look down a lot. Second, utensils betray the raw primal spirit of sports.

So where does that leave steak? Yes, it's primal, but it requires utensils. My decree: you may eat steak while watching sports, but only if you eat it with your hands. Pick it up and pull chunks of meat away with your teeth. This will please Lady Luck, and she will reward your team in kind.

Second to hot dogs in sports righteousness are chicken wings. Like hot dogs, they are easily eaten with one hand. They are messy, which also pleases Lady Luck. A few years ago, I had a couple friends over and we watched college football from noon to dusk. We ordered 100 wings for it.

At the end of the night, my two friends said, "Man, I can't believe we ate 50 wings between us!"

I had eaten 50 by myself.

My only beef (no pun intended) with chicken wings is the price gouging that goes on with them. Ten years ago, bars would have 10-cent wing night. Now, they have 50-cent wing night.

Nothing else that I'm aware of has had its price increase 500% in the last 10 years. A gallon of milk is not $12. A pizza is not $45. Why are we letting the goons at Tyson and Perdue get away with this?

Speaking of pizza, I'm actually not a big pizza fan during sports. It just doesn't quite carve out that niche. Sports validates hot dogs and wings with Dodger Dogs and the Wing Bowl. Where is the pizza sports lore? I don't think it exists.

Moving on to beverages, you should abide by the following rules. Cold drinks only, including beer, soda, and water. Coffee and especially tea are never okay, and hot chocolate is only okay if you are tailgating shirtless in Buffalo.

Wine is only allowed if you are sitting in a luxury suite, talking on your bluetooth, only looking at the field of play when you hear a roar from the crowd, and are a douchebag.

Shots? Not until the game you are watching is 75% over. If you want to get drunk, fine, but allow the process to last all game, which is the opportunity beer affords you. You can't watch the game if you are too busy clutching your stomach and puking in the trough-style urinal.

You also want to choose an easy-to-drink, not-too-heavy beer, so go for lagers and ales, no stouts.

OTHER ACCEPTABLE FOODS FOR SPORTS VIEWING:

* Subs and sandwiches
* Fries
* Pretty much any finger food, be they chips, appetizers, or party tray
* Popcorn
* White Russians (the Big Lebowski Rule)
* Anything made by your mother (this supersedes other rules)

OTHER UNACCEPTABLE FOODS FOR SPORTS VIEWING:

* Hamburgers (see pizza)
* Vegetables sans dip
* Bubble gum (except for baseball)
* Fruit
* Anything made by a "private chef" or "personal chef"