Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Carolina @ Pittsburgh (-13)
The Steelers dropped back into a tie with the Ravens in the AFC North after a 22-17 loss to the Jets at Heinz Field. Meanwhile, the Panthers posted only their second win of the year, winning 19-12 over the Cardinals. With wins over Carolina and Cleveland to close the regular season, Pittsburgh would take the division crown by virtue of a tiebreaker over the Ravens.
"I may be on my way out," John Fox said, "but, as Ben Roethlisberger has said on occasion, 'I won't go down without a fight.' But the Panthers at Steelers will be a case of worlds colliding. No, I'm not talking about a 2-12 team facing a 10-4 team. I'm referring to the historic bathroom shenanigans of two Panther cheerleaders and those of Ben Roethlisberger. What's the difference between a Roethlisberger bathroom interlude and that of the Panther cheerleaders? Two willing participants."
Carolina's Jimmy Clausen had his best game as a Panther last week, tossing a touchdown pass with nary a turnover. He'll face a rugged Steelers team fighting for playoff seeding, albeit without safety Troy Polamalu.
"Great!" said Clausen. "Now I can actually compare myself to Joe Flacco and say I didn't see Polamalu at the line of scrimmage, threatening a blitz. In my case, though, it will be because Polamalu wasn't even there."
Steelers win, 27-9.
Dallas @ Arizona (+6½)
After last week's 19-12 loss at Carolina, the Cardinals fell to 4-10 and became the first team to be eliminated from the NFC West division race. They'll host the Cowboys in a Christmas Day contest at University of Phoenix Stadium.
"It was a bittersweet loss," said Ken Whisenhunt. "Sure, we were eliminated from the playoffs, which is sad, but we were the last 4-10 team eliminated from the playoffs, which is a great platform to build upon for next year. Our platform this year was to win the division. Finishing last makes it a platform dive."
The 5-9 Cowboys saw a 27-7 lead disappear last week before finishing off the Redskins 33-30 in Dallas. Now 5-9, the Cowboys will look to finish the year on a positive note, preferably with a three-game win streak.
"The fans in Arizona are lucky," Jerry Jones said. "In a single day, they'll be visited by Santa Claus and America's Team. And if they're anything like Cowboys fans, they're sure to be disappointed, because unlike Santa, America's Team always leaves you wanting more. Let's face it. This holiday season, the Macy's star strikes more fear into opponents than the Dallas star."
Dallas wins, 27-17.
Detroit @ Miami (-3½)
The Lions and Dolphins have seen their fair share of controversial calls this season. For Detroit, Calvin Johnson was robbed of a touchdown catch in Week 1, while Ndamukong Suh was penalized for unnecessary roughness for shoving Jay Cutler in Week 14. Miami lost in Week 7 because officials couldn't determine who recovered Ben Roethlisberger's fumble, and Sal Alosi's trip of a Miami player went unnoticed by officials in Week 14's Dolphins/Jets game.
"So," said Jim Schwartz, "you've got the Lions versus the Dolphins, or 'the team officials make the call against versus the team officials don't make the call for.' By rule, both teams have been screwed this year.
"Last week in Tampa, we ended a road losing streak of 26 games with a win over the Bucs. It's reason to celebrate, mostly because we can finally say goodbye to the last remaining trace of Matt Millen's stamp on this franchise."
Miami was eliminated from playoff contention with a 17-14 loss to the Bills. Dan Carpenter missed four field goals, after having missed only six previously. The Dolphins could still finish with a winning record by taking their last two games of the year.
"We know we should have won the game," Tony Sparano said, "and so do the Bills. Dan is certainly upset with his misses, but if anyone can understand the heartache of going 0-4, it's the Bills. A foot fetish is all the rage right now in the AFC East, but it's not exclusive to the Jets. I think last Sunday's performance proved that Carpenter is into the fetish himself, because his kicking is a clear indication that his toes sucked."
Detroit wins, 23-20.
NY Jets @ Chicago (-3)
The Jets boosted their playoff hopes, and ended a franchise losing streak in Pittsburgh, with a 22-17 win in Pittsburgh. The Jets scored their first offensive touchdown in 12 quarters, and their defense kept the Steelers out of the end zone after they drove to the Jets 10-yard line in the final seconds.
"It took us 12 quarters," said Mark Sanchez, "but we finally penetrated an opponent's goal line. I've heard of a 'goal line stand' by a defense; this qualifies as an offense's 'goal line abstained.' At a rate of one touchdown every 12 quarters, we would be on pace to outscore the Patriots, assuming a game was 108 quarters long."
The Bears clinched the NFC North crown with a commanding 40-14 win over the Vikings in a game played at TCF Bank Stadium, home of the Minnesota Golden Gophers. Chicago knocked out Brett Favre early, then pulled away behind the arm of Jay Cutler and the legs of Devin Hester.
"We've studied a lot of film on the Jets," Cutler said. "None more intensely than the foot fetish videos that appear to show Rex Ryan's wife, narrated by what sounds like Rex himself.
Everyone knows about our defense. Our offense has really shown improvement, but what offense doesn't after playing the Patriots? Mike Martz has surrounded himself with the finest assistant coaches mediocre money can buy. In light of the Sal Alosi scandal and our upcoming game against the Jets, Mike has deemed them 'Wall-Martz.''
New York wins, 19-16.
New England @ Buffalo (+8)
After two consecutive blowout victories, the Patriots had to fight back from a late deficit to defeat the visiting Packers 31-27, improving to 12-2 and moving one step closer to clinching home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. Tom Brady set an NFL record by throwing at least 2 touchdowns with no interceptions for the seventh-straight game, and the Patriots got a boost from offensive lineman Dan Connoly's 71-yard kickoff return.
"I've got nothing but praise for Connoly," Tom Brady said, "or anyone else who makes me look fast. Dan's speed is deceptive — he only looks fast."
After an 0-8 start, the Bills have gone 4-2 in their last six games, serving notice that they'll be a team to be reckoned with next year, if by "reckoned with," you mean beaten by the Patriots and Jets twice in 2011.
"I see lots of promise in 2011," said Chan Gailey. "It's possible we could see a 'worst to first' scenario next year, when we go from the AFC East cellar to the division title. For now though, with the division-leading Patriots visiting our house, it's a case of 'first to worst.'"
New England wins, 30-13.
Washington @ Jacksonville (-6½)
The Jaguars failed to clinch the AFC South title, falling 34-24 in Indianapolis as the Colts held Jacksonville's heavy-hitting rushing attach to only 67 yards. The Jags are now tied with Indy in first place, and will need to win their final two games and hope for a Colt loss to win the division.
"Surprisingly," Jack Del Rio said, "the loss to the Colts put us in the holiday mood. We can't help but sing our favorite Christmas song, 'No L, No L,' and hope the Colts get what we ask for in the Black Hole."
Last week, Mike Shanahan named Rex Grossman the starter for the Redskins final three games. Grossman, after a shaky start, nearly led Washington to a comeback victory in Dallas, but the 'Skins eventually fell, 33-30. Grossman will start this Sunday in Jacksonville, while Donovan McNabb will serve as third-string quarterback.
"I think the last time I was named a third-string quarterback," McNabb said, "it was in the Pro Bowl. I feel incredibly disrespected by Shanahan's decision to demote me. It's like a slap in the face, a 'bench slap,' if you will. Between Albert Haynesworth and I, Daniel Snyder has put a lot of money on the table. Obviously, Snyder likes to spend money; Shanahan likes to waste it."
David Garrard throws for 265 yards and 2 scores, and the Jaguars win, 27-16.
Tennessee @ Kansas City (-5)
The Chiefs won in St. Louis last week 27-13, maintaining their one-game lead over the Chargers in the AFC West and increasing the likelihood that San Diego could finish 10-6 and not make the playoffs. Matt Cassel returned to the lineup 11 days after an appendectomy, and the Chiefs rushed for 210 yards to vanquish the Rams.
"It's like they say," Cassel said. "The appendix is useless. Or is it? Not to my good friend Dwayne Bowe, who's not only in the import-export business, but also in the black market organ donor business.
"Now, keeping the Chargers out of the playoffs not only is good for us, but good for the rest of the league's playoff teams, as well. They could be a dangerous team on the road in the playoffs, but I'm fairly certain they'd be harmless at home. And that's where they'd be if we win our remaining two games, thus keeping San Diego 'at bay.'"
The Titans remained alive in the playoff hunt with a 31-17 win over Houston, holding the NFL's leading rusher, Arian Foster, to 15 yards on the ground, while Chris Johnson rushed for 130 yards and a touchdown. The Tennessee defense will be challenged by the Chiefs No. 1-ranked rushing offense.
"Not long ago," Jeff Fisher said, "the Titans were known for their two-man rushing attack, featuring the hefty LenDale White and the shifty Chris Johnson, collectively known as 'Dine and Dash.' Now, the Chiefs have cornered the market with their own rushing duo of Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones.
Chiefs win, 27-19.
San Francisco @ St. Louis (-1)
All four NFC West teams lost last week, and while there's nothing particularly unusual about that, it is odd that the Rams and Seahawks lead the division with equal 6-8 records. And that means, at best, the West champion will have an 8-8 record. And that means, at best, the West champion will have an 8-9 record after the playoffs.
"When people speak of 'worst-case scenarios,'" Mike Singletary said, "they are obviously speaking of the eventual NFC West winner. And if it's talk of the 'best-case scenario,' obviously it's a discussion about the virtues of being the NFC's No. 5 seed. What do you call the NFC's No. 5 seed? The 'favorite.' Only in the NFC West would you find a division champion who is both the underdog and overrated."
St. Louis wins, 26-13.
Baltimore @ Cleveland (+3)
After 14 games, have the Ravens finally found the formula to closing out a win? In last week's 30-24 win over New Orleans, Baltimore rode the legs of Ray Rice, who rushed for 153 yards on 31 carries and caught 5 passes for 80 yards.
"A successful running game serves two purposes," said John Harbaugh. "First, it keeps the opposing offense off the field, and it keeps our defense off the field. Ray will be the focus of our offense from here on out. I fully expect Sunday's contest in the Dawg Pound to be a battle of ground games. Peyton Hillis, the 'other white Peyton,' versus Ray Rice. And if Hillis gets the best of the battle, I fully expect the Browns to keep the score close, like 'white' on Rice."
The Ravens stuff a gimpy Hillis, but the Browns keep it close behind the passing of Colt McCoy. A late Flacco touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin provides the winning margin for the Ravens.
Baltimore wins, 27-20.
Indianapolis @ Oakland (+3)
After a three-game skid nearly derailed their playoff hopes, the Colts have now won two in a row after whipping the Jaguars 34-24 last week. After 11 interceptions in those three games, Peyton Manning has thrown 4 touchdowns and tossed no picks in Indy's two wins, putting the Colts back in control of their own destiny.
"Sure, we may control our own destiny," Manning said, "but our playoff hopes are still tenuous. They're like a fragile yet strapping quarterback protected from the game's evils by a few layers of bubble wrap.
"Now, I haven't felt the need to call a team meeting this year. Other teams have, and that's usually bad news. Usually, Eli Manning is the reason for a team meeting, and not the originator of one. Either way, it spells trouble."
And speaking of trouble, the Raiders can run the ball, and they will. Oakland wins, 31-30.
San Diego @ Cincinnati (+7)
The Chargers may be the NFL's hottest team, having won six of their last seven games, the latest a 34-7 win over the 49ers as Philip Rivers threw 3 touchdown passes to Vincent Jackson. Now 8-6, San Diego's wins could go all for naught should the Chiefs win their final two games.
"We could win our last two games," said Rivers, "and still be left out in the cold. That would be known as 'win chill.' And that can only remind us of the 1982 AFC Championship Game between the visiting Chargers and Bengals, in which the wind chill reached a staggering minus 59 degrees. Needless to say, the Chargers lost, the games and their tans, and Dan Fouts spent the next three days thawing his beard."
The Bengals broke a 10-game losing streak with a 19-17 win over the Browns last week. Cedric Benson rushed for 150 yards and a score, leading many to question why it took Cincy over three months to employ the formula that won them the AFC North last year.
"The presence of Terrell Owens makes you do strange things," said Marvin Lewis. "And so does his absence. T.O. has been placed on injured receive, so now we can get back to what we do best, and that's playing without T.O."
San Diego wins, 30-20.
Houston @ Denver (+3)
Last week saw the first NFL start for Denver rookie quarterback Tim Tebow, thrust into action because of Kyle Orton's sore ribs. Tebow was solid in a 39-23 loss to the Raiders, becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for a touchdown of at least 40 yards and pass for a score of at least 30 yards.
"Tebow has his limitations at quarterback," said Eric Studesville, "but he can do things that most quarterbacks can't. Like pull off a 40-yard quarterback sneak. Or Tweet Jesus and get an answer. But for the man responsible for the NFL's top-selling jersey, it's nice to finally see him responsible for putting one on the field."
The Texans have gone downhill after a promising 4-2 start, losing seven of eight games since then. Last week, Houston lost in Tennessee 31-17, a game in which Andre Johnson and Cortland Finnegan didn't scuffle, yet two Texans teammates, Brian Cushing and Antonio Smith, did.
"Divided we stand off," said Gary Kubiak. "That fight, along with a 5-9 record and other issues, will likely cost me my job. Unlike Andre Johnson's pummeling of Cortland Finnegan, the Cushing/Smith tussle ended in a tie, so you could say it's the 'draw' that broke the camel's back."
Fight fans are excited about this game, for Johnson will square off against the "Champ," Champ Bailey, that is. And Johnson gets the best of Bailey.
Texans win, 31-23.
NY Giants @ Green Bay (-3)
The Giants blew a 24-3 halftime lead to the Eagles, surrendering 28 fourth quarter points and losing 38-31 on DeSean Jackson's 65-yard punt return for a touchdown as time expired. New York punter Matt Dodge drilled a line-drive punt directly to Jackson, who bobbled the catch before recovering and stunning a New Meadowlands crowd.
"The plan was for Dodge to kick the ball out of bounds," Tom Coughlin said, "and hope that a New York assistant coach would make the tackle. That didn't happen, and thus was borne 'The Miracle in the Meadowlands 2: DeSean's Denouement.'
"Apparently, it takes a miracle for Eli Manning to call a players-only team meeting. I hear his words were short and to the point: focus on the next game. That's a very astute point, and also one that is present in any team meeting, not just an emergency one."
The Packers are 8-6, one game behind the 9-5 Giants, so Sunday's game will likely determine the NFC's final playoff team.
"And," said Mike McCarthy, "it will also likely determine which team has the worst kick return coverage in the NFL. It's one thing to give up a 65-yard return to a blazing speedster; it's another to surrender a 71-yard return to a lumbering Patriot offensive lineman."
Packers win, 28-23.
Seattle @ Tampa Bay (-6)
Despite a 34-18 loss to the Falcons, the Seahawks remained tied for the division lead thanks to a winless day for the NFC West. Matt Hasselbeck was benched late in the game, but will start in Tampa as the Seahawks look for a win to set up a Week 17 showdown in Seattle with the Rams for the NFC West crown.
"When Pete Carroll tells you to sit," said Hasselbeck, "it's usually at the behest of the NCAA. Against Atlanta, my performance was a lot like a Bigfoot sighting — I may or may not have been there, and video of such was grainy and inconclusive."
Bucs win 24-14.
Minnesota @ Philadelphia (-14)
So how long does it take the NFL to come to a decision on the Brett Favre/Jenn Sterger situation? Is it a coincidence the NFL is taking its good, sweet time to make a decision involving Favre? Is the lengthy investigation period of Favre's infamous text message picture unofficially known as the 'long and short' of it?
"The Jenn Sterger situation won't go away easily," said Leslie Frazier, "and neither will Favre. In Favre's case, 'injured reserve' means he may be hurt, but he's still the backup. Favre's injury has allowed us to get a look at Joe Webb. Webb has an immense amount of athletic skill, and he reminds us a lot of Michael Vick, in that Webb would also like to own a dog. We feel with the right amount of grooming and coaching, Joe could be the next big thing in the NFL. So, it's with an immense amount of anticipation that I say to Joe, 'We can't wait for you to go world wide, Webb."
The Eagles all but clinched the NFC East last week, shocking the Giants 38-31 in the New Meadowlands on DeSean Jackson's 65-yard punt return as time expired.
"Two weeks ago," said Jackson, "Michael Vick's autograph was the big story. Last week, I put my signature on our season, and as the G-Men found out, that was all she wrote."
Eagles win, 33-13.
New Orleans @ Atlanta (-2)
The Falcons clinched a playoff spot last week with a 34-18 win in Seattle, and now look to clinch the NFC South by knocking off the Saints for the second time this season. Atlanta won in New Orleans 27-24 in a game the Saints would have won had Garrett Hartley made an easy, 29-yard field goal in overtime.
"Here in Atlanta," said Mike Smith, "we call that kick the 'chip shot.' Sure, Hartley should have hit that easily, and the Saints should have won. But he didn't, and they didn't. And I would be lying if I said I didn't wish the same fate on Hartley this Monday night. So, you could say I would be 'remiss' if I didn't wish for bad luck on the Saints kicker."
The Saints can still win the South, but would need to beat the Falcons on Sunday, then beat Tampa and hope Atlanta loses at home to Carolina in Week 17.
"What's the most-coveted NFC seed?" Drew Brees said. "The No. 1 seed, and a first-round bye, or the No. 5, and a first-round road game at the home of the NFC West champion? It matters little to us. Either way, we're guaranteed to advance to the second round."
The Saints stay alive in the NFC South hunt with a 27-24 win.
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