Musical Chairs

The NCAA basketball bracket has been filled, and that means a few things for the casual sports fan:

1. People are frantically scrambling to figure out what happened in a college basketball season that no one cares about (since anyone relevant — and then some — makes the tournament) so that they can pretend they have a clue how to fill out their bracket for the office pool.

2. All but the more die-hard of baseball fans are just becoming vaguely aware that spring training is well underway.

3. Said fans are trying to figure out when the hell Player A got traded to/signed by Team X, and how the hell that will translate into the realm of rapidly approaching fantasy baseball drafts.

And even good baseball fans have their moments. When did Cliff Lee morph into Roy Halladay? How did Vladimir Guerrero become a Ranger? Which team could become the 12th different team for which Matt Stairs has hit a home run? (That's not hyperbole.)

Well, today's your lucky day. I'm going to run off some of the biggest offseason developments. Obviously, I couldn't hit all of them, mainly because I lack the requisite work ethic and monetary compensation, and you probably lack the attention span. But this guide should at least prevent Jane in accounting from emasculating you by letting you know that Jason Bay is not, in fact, the in Boston anymore, thus proving to the world that you are a sports-ignorant jackass.

Cliff Lee goes 4-0 in the playoffs, Phillies say he's not good enough.

Lee posted a 3.22 ERA over 231.1 innings (fifth-most in MLB) during the season, and then posted a sparkling 1.56 ERA in the playoffs and winning every start, including two in the World Series. So, naturally, the Phillies shipped him to Seattle in a three-way deal.

Not to criticize any move that lands Roy Halladay, one of the most talented, dominant, and reliable pitchers in of the era. And Halladay, after patiently toiling in Canada to much less attention than he deserves, deserves his shot at the playoffs. But considering there is no age difference (Lee's 31, Halladay's 32), it has the feel of a thankless gesture to Lee, who literally couldn't have done any more to help the Phillies' repeat attempt.

Meanwhile, little else changes for the two-time defending NL champs; they're still pretty stacked. Cole Hamels figures to rebound, the lineup is still stacked. But if karma is real, dealing Lee and some prospects (like Kyle Drabek) for Halladay is the kind of greedy move the Mets would make, going for the star over adding depth and fixing real problems. Speaking of which...

The Mets grab Jason Bay, and are still pretty much screwed.

Bay is quietly one of the better hitters in the game. He finished 10th in the bigs in homers (36), fifth in RBIs, and 20th in OPS. And that wasn't really an exceptional year for him historically. He also steals once in a while, which is good because he's now playing in a hitters' graveyard, Citi Field, aka Petco East.

Of course, the Mets didn't do anything to address the complete lack of starting pitching after Johan Santana ... unless you consider signing walking scalpel target Kelvim Escobar (already considering retirement after a setback) and Josh Fogg (one start last year) addressing the problem. Oh, and the Mets will likely start the season without Carlos Beltran (offseason knee surgery) or Jose Reyes (thyroid — are they inventing injuries?). But hey, Oliver Perez (6.84 ERA in '09) will collect another cool $12 million.

The Red Sox will wish they'd signed Bay themselves.

Was he worth the money? Debatable. Did the Red Sox replace his production? Well, about 70 percent of it. Mike Cameron gives them 12 less homers, 49 fewer RBIs, and 126 fewer OPS points. But he's faster! (Never mind that he gives them two center fielders with Jacoby Ellsbury already there.) Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedroia better be ready to do some heavy lifting at the plate this year because the elite hitters end there.

Of course they might not need much, adding John Lackey to an already potent staff. The Angels will miss him. Among others. Continuing the "follow the bouncing ball" trend...

The Angels lose some stars, will probably win the West anyway.

Then again, star doesn't mean productive. Vlad's free agency departure to a better-than-you-think rival was not really even challenged by the team. If you see him in the sixth round and wonder why no one is drafting him in your fantasy league, be aware; his decline has been consistent and pronounced. The Angels still have a deep outfield with Juan Rivera, Torii "Black, Not Latino" Hunter and Bobby Abreu, and added Yankee castoff Hideki Matsui to DH. Throw in young talent on the mound and in the lineup, and you have a team that will be competitive in the start of this decade as the last.

Even so, the champs are still the best team in the league.

Replacing Johnny Damon with Curtis Granderson, bringing back Nick Johnson (and his career .400+ OBP), while letting aging Hideki Matsui go, and adding Javier Vazquez (quietly lights-out last year) to shore up pitching depth doesn't seem like a typical Yankee shakeup. But after posting the best record in baseball and snagging a ring, the Yankees should be no worse than last year. There's really not much debating that they are the best team on paper in the bigs. It's not close.

Elsewhere East, the O's brought back Miguel Tejada.

It seems no one in Baltimore noticed he had gone to Houston. Tejada has also not hit more than 18 homers in a season since 2006. Though he did hit .313 last year. So he's got that going for him. Which is good.

Giants add mediocre bats to dreadful lineup.

Mark DeRosa and Aubrey Huff aren't bad hitters. They just aren't exactly the type of guys to bring in to an offense that scores less than a World of Warcraft programmer. DeRosa, Aaron Rowand, and Benji Molina are the next best options at the plate after Pablo Sandoval. Yikes. Imagine if they didn't have one of the best pitching staffs in the majors.

Cardinals lose DeRosa, but keep Holliday, pride.

One of the two midseason additions St. Louis made to right its crippled offense remains in St. Louis, and it was the one that mattered. Matt Holliday signed a seven-year contract, guaranteeing that Pujols would not be left so alone in the lineup again for some time (assuming health). Good thing, considering his contract's up next year. Pujols' stated desire is to stay in St. Louis and stated criteria is indication that the team will bring in players that can win. To me, they weren't just trying to resign Holliday; they were trying to resign Pujols at the same time.

DeRosa was a nice addition for a while but didn't play well down the stretch. In any case, the full season of Holliday (who has always hit well in St. Louis, including a torrid second half last year) should automatically make the offense better than last year. Enough young hitters with upside add potential, but the strength of the team remains pitching. Replacing Joel Piniero (now in Anaheim) is Brad Penny. Penny would reek of successful Dave Duncan reclamation project if he hadn't already turned things around somewhat at the end of last year with a 4-1 record and 2.59 ERA in September. No way the veteran, who's learning to rely less on his power game and get groundball outs (Duncan's specialty) doesn't pitch well if healthy.

Cubs stuck in neutral; ownership issues keep team out of offseason market.

Nothing really new ... except Alfonso Soriano's slowing bat now has five years left on his Congressional-grade-wasteful contract instead of six. Oh, and Carlos Zambrano is still pretending he's the ace of the staff instead of Ted Lilly or Randy Wells. Not that it's a bad team. It's just not a great one.

Dodgers slightly better than Cubs; also they have a cheap owner.

Introducing your 2010 Dodgers: it's your 2009 Dodgers! (That is all. Yes, I stayed away from them "Manny's won't be there 'cause he said it's his last season in L.A." joke. We can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anyway.)

Mariners have schizophrenic offseason.

They added Cliff Lee and Milton Bradley. Couldn't have gone two more opposite directions with those selections. Lee and King Felix make a nasty one-two punch. And the Ms just hope Milton doesn't punch more than one or two people this season.

So now you are somewhat up to speed. Now hurry; you need to get back to pretending you can learn enough about basketball in the next day and a half to win your pool through something other than a complete fluke.