NFL Weekly Predictions: Conf. Championships

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

NY Jets @ Indianapolis (-7½)

The Jets continued their postseason run with a stunning 17-14 win in San Diego over the two-seeded Chargers, a win that sends the Jets to Indianapolis for the AFC championship. Shonn Greene rushed for 128 yards, and Mark Sanchez won his second playoff game as a rookie, further validating his decision to forego his final year of college to enter the NFL draft.

"No one can doubt my decision to 'leave early,'" says Sanchez, "any more than they can doubt Brett Favre's decision to 'stay late.' For me, the lure of NFL riches overpowered the advantages of returning for my senior year at USC. Of course, it was a huge adjustment jumping to the NFL, where football becomes a full-time job, and your income is taxed. Classes for 'credit' take on a whole new meaning at USC."

"For Favre, it wasn't the money that brought him back. It was simply the love of the game and the lure of glory that enticed him. And speaking of 'lures,' a fishing excursion on Lake Minnetonka wasn't even necessary to make Favre commit to Minnesota. That's where our situations differ most; I chose to go 'hardship,' while Favre passed on the chance to go for a ride on the SS Hardship, which I believe is a sister ship to the SS Natch."

"As for the Chargers, we certainly seemed to have their number in the latter part of the game. We were well-prepared for it — we're getting quite used to teams that stop playing in the second half."

"I guess our defense deserves a lot of the credit; but ultimately, you have to fault the Chargers for shooting themselves in the foot, which is exactly what they wanted to do to Nate Kaeding. Of course, if Kaeding would have kicked like the Pro Bowl player he is, we would have lost. He's the new Mike Vanderjagt. 'Canadian Missed' made a name for himself in the regular season by hardly missing, then earned his nickname in the playoffs by always missing. The same goes for Kaeding. Call him 'Mister Again,' because he 'missed 'er, again.'"

"The historical significance of the Jets and Colts rivalry is not lost on me. I'm not sure who Namath's bold declarations have shocked more — the 1969 Colts, or Suzy Kolber. At least in the case of Super Bowl III, Broadway Joe wasn't to be denied. I'm not one to guarantee victory. Believe me, though, if I can bookend my career with a Super Bowl win and a drunken sideline proposition, I'd die a happy man."

The Colts dominated the Ravens 20-3 last Sunday, controlling the game against a foe that operated in similar fashion to the Jets. Like the Ravens, the Jets rely on a running game that, when clicking, allows for high percentage, play-action passes and dictates the tempo of the game.

"Obviously, we don't expect a shootout," says Peyton Manning. "But you never know — like the Saints did with Deuce McAllister, we could re-sign Marvin Harrison for an inspirational boost. Instead of 'bringing the wood,' Marvin could 'bring the steel.' You've got to love Marvin's entrepreneurial spirit — it's not enough simply to offer a drive-through car wash; Marvin's taken that a step further with his exclusive 'drive-by' service. God forbid Gilbert Arenas ever tries to collect a bet at one of Marvin's car washes."

"Anyway, we may be favored by seven points, but I firmly believe it will be a tight game, with the outcome not decided until the end. It will be like Lane Kiffin's tenure at my alma mater, the University of Tennessee — 'touch and go.' One thing's for sure — the Jets don't lack confidence. The players feed off the swagger and brashness of Rex Ryan, and let's face it, like Rex, they don't seem to ever be hungry. I'm sure Rex will give us some bulletin board material — heck, he gave his own team some when he said they were out of the playoffs when, in fact, they weren't. I'm not sure if Rex is aware of the date change, but he's already guaranteed the Jets participants will dominate the Pro Bowl."

"What's our key to victory? Winning. And having the same officiating crew that called the Ravens game. But seriously, I'll have to keep my eyes on Darrelle Revis. He's not only a 'shut down' cornerback, he's a 'shut up' cornerback, as Chad Ochocinco can attest. Revis made Ochocinco look ordinary; as receivers go, he's merely at 'si' level. I think he just goes by the name 'Chad' now. Revis' skills are top-notch. He's got more coverage than CNN, or a Kirstie Alley mu mu."

"But I think Reggie Wayne can handle himself just fine. We'll see what happens when a 'Hurricane' strikes Revis Island. If Revis takes Wayne out of the game, I have other options, like Dallas Clark and Austin Collie. If I need more, I'm sure I can find other receivers named after cities in Texas."

The Jets are playing like the team that started the season 3-0, while the Colts are playing like the team that started 14-0. Of course, you can't underestimate the Jets, but for a team that easily could have gone 16-0, the Colts don't seem to be getting enough credit.

For the Jets, it's all about "protecting" Mark Sanchez. In football, as in life, it's imperative to avoid getting a "Dirty" Sanchez. Of course, protecting Sanchez is two-fold — the offensive line will have to keep Indy's Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis away, and the Jets will have to successfully run to give Sanchez manageable passing opportunities. If the Jets face too many 'third-and-Sanchez" situations, then they are in trouble, because their running game has faltered, and the Freeney/Mathis speed rush can go all out.

For the Colts, it all comes down to Manning. Against a defense like the Jets, it's hard to be spectacular. The Jets will guard against anything deep. But Manning doesn't need to be spectacular; he needs to be safe and efficient. It's unlikely the Jets will throw something at Manning he hasn't seen before. If they do, a few quick glances at some snapshots, and Manning will have it diagnosed.

Manning throws for 210 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the Colts force 2 Sanchez turnovers.

Indianapolis wins, 23-13.

Minnesota @ New Orleans (-4½)

The top-seeded Saints host the two-seeded Vikings in the thrilling conclusion of the NFC's "all-indoors" playoffs, with the climate-controlled Superdome the setting for the conference's final showdown. It will be Brett Favre's fifth appearance in the NFC title game, and his first in an indoor setting.

"It would suit me just fine in this game were at Lambeau Field," says Favre. "Heck, I'm undefeated there this year. I'm like many purists of the game who long for a game in below freezing temperatures on natural grass. I think the Fabulous Thunderbirds said it most eloquently in their 1986 hit 'Turf Enuff.'"

"But wins like this are the reason I wanted to play for the Vikings. I knew they had everything a quarterback would want: a powerful running game, a strong defense, a malleable head coach, and a wide receiving unit on the cusp of greatness. They sounded an awful lot like last year's Jets. I guess I did both teams a favor."

"Now, I didn't join the Vikings so I could run up the score on helpless defenses. Maybe we didn't need another touchdown with a 27-3 lead, but you can never underestimate the importance of taking a four-possession lead, even with only two minutes remaining. I, of all people, know how quickly things can change. Give me two minutes, and I can change my retirement plans three times!"

"Yeah, I know it was a fourth-down play in which I passed to Visanthe Shiancoe for a touchdown. Was it a classless act? I plead the 'fourth.' Ask anybody, excluding anyone in the Packers' or Jets' front offices, and they'll tell you I'm a class act. But what do you expect. Prince was at the Metrodome. There was bound to be some 'Controversy.'"

The Saints, like the Vikings, are riding high after a blowout divisional victory, a 45-14 demolition of the Cardinals. After Arizona scored on the game's first play from scrimmage, the Saints took over and dominated every phase of the game. Reggie Bush accounted for two scores, one on a 46-yard rush, and the other on an 83-yard punt return.

"Call it 'All Saints' Day,'" says Bush. "The Cardinals were no match for us on Saturday. Not on a day when we were rested, fired up, and carrying a baseball bat. Somewhere, Buford Pusser was smiling, as was Joe Don Baker, and the Beastie Boys, because we 'did it like this, we did it like that, we did it with a baseball bat.' And, judging by Arizona's effort, we could have done it with a wiffle ball bat. Suffice it to say, we brought the 'wood,' and the Cardinals brought the 'woodshed.'"

"If you saw the television broadcast of our game, you noticed that every time I made a play, FOX felt obligated to show my girlfriend, Kim Kardashian. Usually, it takes a sex tape for that many people to see her."

"Hey, speaking of tape study," says Drew Brees, "I've watched hours of film on the Vikings, and I found just as many holes. Sure, their defensive front is full of stars, most of which are full of 'Star Caps.' Jared Allen is a terror; I fear any man who sports a natural coonskin cap on his head. And the Williams boys are beastly. Kevin is a handful, and Pat is a sports bra-full. And Ray Edwards is an emerging force. After that, though, the Minnesota defense is much like a game at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium — the second and third levels are nearly empty. If I have time to throw, we'll win this game, and I only wish I could partake in the some Super Bowl bets."

Sunday's game may be one of the most entertaining and intriguing NFC title games of all-time. How could it not be? It's Brees versus Favre, Bush versus Peterson, and it all takes place in the Superdome. And, hopefully, there will be the added spectacle of FOX's Tony Siragusa patrolling the sidelines like a human Zamboni, glad-handing anything within arm's reach.

They call Adrian Peterson "All Day." In New Orleans, that's also what they call the Arizona defensive front, because they gave Brees "all day" to throw. Their defensive line is one heck of an offensive line. The Vikings' front won't afford Brees that luxury. At the very least, they'll force Brees to throw faster than he was accustomed to against the Cardinals.

On offense, the Vikings need a solid game from Peterson. Peterson is a threat to go all the way, and if he finds success early, the Saints safeties will be forced to creep in. Those two or three steps are all Favre needs to attack deep. Give Favre an inch, and he'll take a mile. Just ask Brad Childress.

Peterson rushes for 123 yards and a touchdown, and Favre out-duels Brees.

Minnesota wins, 31-27.