Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
San Diego @ Tennessee (-3)
At 11-3, the Chargers have locked up the AFC West, and a Christmas night win in Tennessee would give them the number two seed and a first-round bye for the playoffs. San Diego has won nine in a row, while the Titans have won seven of eight after starting the season 0-6.
"Like the Titans," says Philip Rivers, "we're not the same team we were earlier this year. The Titans' turnaround started when Jeff Fisher put on a shirt; ours started when we lost ours against the Broncos."
"The last time we saw the Titans, it was a wild card playoff game in 2008, and Vince Young was the starter. This time, it's me and Vince Young again, and although it's not officially a playoff game, it is unofficially for the Titans. It's funny how things come full circle. And a 'full circle' makes a 'zero;' it's even funnier how things come even more full circle on the subject of Young's Wonderlic score."
At 7-7, the Titans will need two wins to close the season, in addition to timely losses by contenders ahead of them.
"As nine straight wins would attest," says Jeff Fisher, "the Chargers will be a tough team to beat. We'll need all the Christmas spirit we can muster. I know I can count on it from my offensive lineman Dave Stewart, whose Christmas cards were adorned with a 'Music City Miracle on 34th Street' theme. And I'm sure Kerry Collins has it in him, although there was a time when the words '7 and 7' and 'Christmas spirit' would often result in Kerry passed out under the Christmas tree."
Early in the week, Fisher creates a stir when he shows up at a fundraiser wearing a No. 17 Rivers jersey, and nothing else. Surprisingly, he still takes less grief for that than he did for wearing a Peyton Manning jersey. And prior to the game, Titans owner Bud Adams substitutes "middle fingers" for 'turtle doves' in the "12 Days of Christmas Song," raising the ire of Rivers. Rivers denounces "Smash and Dash" and proclaims himself "Brash and Dash" before leading the Chargers onto LP Field.
Rivers throws for 245 yards, and Antonio Gates takes advantage of a depleted Tennessee linebacking group and grabs 7 catches for 102 yards and a score.
Chargers win, 24-20.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (-14½)
The Saints run at perfection ended last Saturday, done in by an inspired Dallas team that exploited weakness in New Orleans rush defense. But with the pressure of an undefeated season behind them, the Saints can now concentrate on securing home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. A win over the Buccaneers, or a Vikings loss in Chicago, would give New Orleans the top spot.
"In the 'Big Easy,'" says Sean Payton, "success is often defined by the size of one's hooters. But don't think just because we got the burden of an undefeated season 'off of our chest' that this year is a failure. We've got a 'bead' on the number one seed, and we plan on clinching on Sunday. Or bust."
"The loss to the Cowboys opened our eyes a bit, and was a not-to-subtle warning that we've got work to do. I was appalled at our run defense, and we didn't react quickly at all. Shoot, I've seen FEMA respond faster to emergency situations. You know the 'Boys have had their way with you when the headlines in the Dallas paper read 'Bye, You on the Bayou.'"
It's time for the Saints to recapture their momentum before their playoff bye, so you could say their in the 'recovery mission-ary position,' and a win over the Bucs will put them on top of the NFC standings.
Saints win, 24-17.
Houston @ Miami (-3)
The Texans and Dolphins are two of the six 7-7 teams in the AFC, and the playoff forecast indicates that an 8-8 record likely won't be good enough for a playoff berth. That makes the Houston-Miami contest a virtual elimination game, with the loser falling out of the playoff picture.
"Albeit slim," says Matt Schaub, "there's still hope for a playoff berth. We realize we're the longest of the long shots in the wildcard race. You could say we're 'hung.' And the odds are a lot like AFC South division teams — we can't beat 'em."
Miami saw their own playoff hopes take a big hit after a late comeback fell just short in a 27-24 overtime loss to the Titans. A win over the Texans is absolutely imperative if the 'Fins are to enter Week 17 with a shot at the postseason.
"As you know," says Ricky Williams, "I'm a former Texan. Not a Houston Texan. Oh no, I would never admit that. I matriculated at the University of Texas, where I majored in international studies, with a minor in 'inhalation' studies, a course of study that rendered it necessary to travel to the corners of the earth in search of the meaning of life. After much thought, self-reflection, meditation, and hacky-sack, I realized that the 'meaning of life' is best experienced on the football field making millions of dollars."
Miami wins, 30-23.
Seattle @ Green Bay (-13½)
Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck has had very little success in Green Bay. He's lost there twice in the playoffs, including a loss after the infamous "we'll take the ball and we're going to score" vow after winning the overtime coin toss in a 2003 playoff game. Hasselbeck will lead the 5-9 Seahawks into Lambeau Field to face Aaron Rodgers and the 9-5 Packers, who are still fighting for a playoff spot.
"Hey, give me some credit," says Hasselbeck. "I did call the coin toss correctly, and I also put Al Harris on the map. And I'm somewhat of a celebrity here in Green Bay. I can't tell you how many Packers fans request my autograph. They always ridicule my handwriting, though, with many commenting that 'they can't make heads or tails' of my signature."
Despite a 37-36 loss to the Steelers last week, Green Bay remained in the fifth spot in the NFC playoff race. The Packers gave up 503 yards passing to Ben Roethlisberger, a development that would not seem to bode well should the Packers face the Cardinals in the wild card round, a matchup that would take place should current seeds hold.
"It's way too early to start looking ahead to a potential matchup with the Cardinals," says Aaron Rodgers. "There are far more important things to consider, like, for example, what was defensive end Johnny Jolly doing with 200 grams of codeine? I guess this explains why he was considered a 'sleeper' in the draft. Did he distribute this stuff to our defensive backs in Pittsburgh, because they sure looked 'asleep' on Sunday?"
With their breakdowns in coverage corrected, Charles Woodson and the Packers defensive backfield arrive at Lambeau confident. Woodson correctly calls "tails" at the coin flip, and boastfully proclaims to Hasselbeck, "We'll give you the ball, and I'm going to score." Four plays later, Woodson snatches an errant Hasselbeck throw and returns it 45 yards for a touchdown.
Rodgers throws for 301 yards and 3 scores and the Packers roll, 30-13.
Carolina @ NY Giants (-3)
The Panthers shocked the Vikings 26-7 last week in Charlotte, Carolina's sixth win of the year and one that may have officially heralded Matt Moore as the future quarterback of the franchise. Moore threw for 299 yards and 3 touchdowns against Minnesota, and he has shown the ability to make the big play while avoiding crucial turnovers.
"He's got my vote," says Steve Smith. "Rearrange the letters in 'vote,' and you get 'veto,' which is exactly what I'll do should John Fox try to reinstate Jake Delhomme as the starter. Matt is this team's future 'in the flesh'; Jake is at his best 'in street clothes.'"
The Giants, with their playoff hopes reeling, rebounding with a resounding 45-12 win over Washington, a beating of the Redskins so thorough that casinos were left in the wake.
"I'm sure Sherman Lewis felt right at home," says Tom Coughlin, "because usually, where there's a casino, there's Bingo. Out offense was so potent on Monday night that I believe I said 'Bingo' more times that Sherm is used to hearing at his hometown Bingo hall."
"We finally played Giants football. We established the run early, and our receivers showed firepower instead of hiding it in their pants."
Giants win, 27-21.
Oakland @ Cleveland (-3)
After weeks of speculation, the Browns hired Mike Holmgren as team president, just in time to overshadow Josh Cribb's NFL record eighth kickoff return touchdown, as well as James Harrison's franchise-record 286 yards rushing, both marks of which were set in last week's 41-34 win over the Chiefs.
"There's a jolly, round, and rosy-cheeked fellow coming to Cleveland," says Holmgren, "and it ain't Santa Claus. And speaking of 'rosy cheeks,' there's likely to be a lot of chapped asses when I get done making changes around here. My first order of business as president will be determining the future of Eric Mangini. You could say I'm likely to set a dead 'precedent.' Now, I understand Browns great Jim Brown has weighed in with support for Mangini, saying he should be given at least one more year. Brown is arguably the game's greatest player, and I'm certainly inclined to at least listen to advice from anyone who starred in the movie I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka."
The Raiders are only 5-9, but many of their wins have had far-reaching playoff implications for their victims. After damaging the Steelers hopes with a win in Pittsburgh in Week 13, Oakland stunned the Broncos in Denver 20-19, as JaMarcus Russell came off the bench to throw the game-winning touchdown pass.
"Obviously, we've won some big games," says Tom Cable, "and we've lost big in some games. We either 'wreak havoc,' or we're 'reek havoc.'"
"As for JaMarcus, he showed a lot of heart on Sunday. Having to enter the game in such a hurry is a testament to JaMarcus' preparatory habits. I know he wasn't ready. Heck, I think he only had one of his diamond-studded earrings in at the time. I think it's clear that he's a better quarterback when pressed in to action. He got out there with virtually no warm-up. Usually, he's out there with 'no clue.'"
With Brady Quinn out for the season with a foot injury, Derek Anderson will take over at quarterback. And Charlie Frye is starting for the Raiders. So what we have is a Derek Anderson versus Charlie Frye matchup. Did anybody ask for this for Christmas?
Raiders win, 23-16.
Jacksonville @ New England (-9)
With a 17-10 over Buffalo, combined with losses by both the Dolphins and Jets, the Patriots have a two-game lead over Miami and New York in the AFC East, and a win over Jacksonville would clinch the division. Randy Moss, whose effort was questioned two weeks ago against Carolina, rebounded with 5 catches for 70 yards and a touchdown.
"Let's face it," says Tom Brady. "Randy's been caught in the 'act' before, and his game against the Panthers was no exception. As anyone who's thrown balls to Randy can attest, it's often a 'trying' experience. But, to Randy's credit, he really came out against the Bills with an attitude. You could say Randy vowed to 'Try Hard With a Vengeance.'"
With losses in their last two games, the Jaguars no longer control their own destiny, which was the case before their losing streak. Now, the Jags need to win their remaining two games and hope that the teams above them in the wild card race, Baltimore and Denver, falter down the stretch.
"Normally, I hate 'stretch' marks," says Jack Del Rio, "but not on Ravens or Broncos. And, we all know you can't 'berth' without stretch marks."
"The key to this game will be defending Moss. We'll certainly try to emulate what the Panthers did and get physical with Moss, incorporating contact at the line to discourage a pristine route. Randy might not shy away from contact 'highs,' but he definitely shies away from contact. Heck, everyone agrees he's a bad mother 'ducker.'"
Hey, we should all give Randy a hand. That would help ease the burden of carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Let's face it. Randy's becoming a better, more well-rounded person. Hell, he compared himself to Atlas. He probably doesn't realize it, but he just made the only reference to Greek mythology of his life.
"Hey, does watching the Poseidon Adventure count?" asks Moss.
New England wins, 24-17. Moss catches 6 passes for 97 yards and a touchdown, then slaps "five" with former coach and Jacksonville assistant Mike Tice, who slips Moss two Super Bowl tickets, which is probably the only way he'll get there this year.
Kansas City @ Cincinnati (-13½)
The Bengals have dropped two in a row, and while their hold on the AFC North is still strong, their playoff seeding continues to slide. At 9-3, the Bengals looked solid for a number two seed. Now, at 9-5, they're locked in a battle with the 9-5 Bengals for the AFC's three-seed.
"Honestly," says Marvin Lewis, "the three- and four-seeds are practically interchangeable, unless you know who the five- and six-seeds are. Heck, before it's all said and done, we might be the five- or six-seed."
After upsetting the Steelers in Week 11, the Chiefs have lost four in a row, and have given up an average of 36 points in those four losses. Against the Bengals, they'll face former teammate Larry Johnson, who was cut by the Chiefs and signed by Cincy soon thereafter.
"Hey, I've got nothing but good things to say about Larry," says Todd Haley. "Like 'good' bye, 'good' riddance, and have fun chatting with Roger 'Good'-ell one day. Larry was our resident 'hate male.' Now he's the Bengals problem, which makes him our problem again, at least on Sunday."
Cedric Benson rushes for 111 yards, and the Bengals let Johnson punch a touchdown run in from the one-yard line, just for spite.
Cincinnati wins, 27-10.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh (-1)
The Ravens and Steelers are two of the NFL's biggest rivals, and the hatred runs deep when these two AFC North powers hit the field. Throw in monumental playoff implications, and this has the makings of a classic on par with last year's game in Baltimore, won by the Steelers, 13-9. Right now, Baltimore holds the number five seed, while the 7-7 Steelers are battling to find their way into the postseason.
"It's important to know your enemy," says Ed Reed. "That's why film study is so important in regards to the Steelers. You may find that you don't know an opponent quite like you thought you did. I just found out that The Blind Side is not, in fact, the story of Hines Ward. It's actually about my teammate, Michael Oher, who surprisingly is very humble for a kid who shacked up with Sandra Bullock as a teenager."
The Steelers pulled out an improbable 37-36 win over the Packers last Sunday, winning on Ben Roethlisberger's 19-yard touchdown pass to Mike Wallace as time expired.
"That's called pulling one out of your 'Wall-ace,'" says Roethlisberger, tongue in cheek. "But I've got to give a lot of credit to our defense. They saved the day after Mike Tomlin's decision to go for the onside kick, which made me want to go 'upside' his head. Mike's got a way of making stupid decisions sound like the right decisions, even after they fail. Remember the failed two-point conversion against Jacksonville? That smooth talking may explain how he got this job in the first place. Anyway, if not for our defense allowing the Packers to score in timely fashion after that bonehead call, I never would have had the chance for heroics. Thanks, Coach. You make me look good. I make you look less stupid."
Steelers win, 30-27.
Buffalo @ Atlanta (-9)
Matt Ryan returned as starter for the Falcons last Sunday, and led Atlanta to a dramatic 10-7 win over the Jets in the Meadowlands, finding Tony Gonzalez for the game-winning score. The Falcons are 7-7, but have been eliminated from the playoff race.
"That definitely makes motivation hard to come by," says Ryan. "Luckily, we can all follow the lead of defensive lineman Jonathan Babineaux, who displayed the necessary 'drive' when he was busted with marijuana after being stopped for a traffic violation. I'm not sure he was sippin' on gin and juice, but he was rolling down the street smoking endo. The dummy also was driving without a license. He won't be driving, but after he meets with Roger Goodell, he'll be 'riding' — the pine."
With Trent Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick out with ankle injuries, the Bills will turn to Brian Brohm at quarterback.
"Buffalo quarterbacks have been dropping like flies," says Terrell Owens, "or more like passes to me. With so many injuries at the QB position, the passing game has suffered. I think we have at least two defensive backs with more receptions than me. Hopefully, Brohm can hang in there, but I've got a feeling he'll be making an early exit. After all, he played for Bobby Petrino at Louisville, so, like his coach, he could be out of here with barely a moments' notice."
Falcons win, 24-21.
St. Louis @ Arizona (-14)
By virtue of their 31-24 win over the Lions and the 49ers' loss to the Eagles, the Cardinals clinched the NFC West division crown, and it looks like they'll have the number four seed when the playoff seeds are set. It would be the same position the Cards were in last year when they took the four seed all the way to the Super Bowl.
"We have the luxury of sitting back and waiting to see what team shows up as the number six seed," says Kurt Warner. "I'm interested to find out, and I'm even more interested to find out what team shows up to play them. Will it be the Arizona team that whipped the Vikings, or the team that committed seven deadly turnovers against the 49ers?"
The Rams are 1-13 and again headed for the top pick in the 2010 NFL draft. St. Louis is solid at running back, with Stephen Jackson leading the NFC in rushing despite most teams daring the pass-deficient Rams to run.
"And I've been accepting those dares all year," says Jackson. "Now it's time for 'truth:' I'm going 'on the lamb' next year, until the Rams can find me a legitimate team to carry on my back. Randy Moss carries the weight of the world on his shoulders? That's nothing to the load I bear."
Cardinals win, 34-16.
Detroit @ San Francisco (-10½)
Despite a 6-8 record and elimination from the playoff picture, the 49ers have many of the pieces in place for next year. With Frank Gore, Vernon Davis, and Michael Crabtree, San Fran has talent at the skill positions to possibly overtake Arizona as division champs next year.
"I think we're one, maybe two years away from seeing our full potential," says Mike Singletary. "And one Alex Smith 'away' from realizing that potential. Until we find a consistent quarterback with leadership skills, this team won't make any serious noise in the postseason. That subject would make a great rap song, called the 'Super Bowl Muffle,' of course."
The Lions were valiant in defeat last week, wiping out an early 17-0 deficit, nearly knocking off the Cardinals before falling 31-24. Quarterback Drew Stanton, who relieved Daunte Culpepper, nearly led Detroit to the upset, and his play has left Jim Schwartz in a quandary.
"I've got to choose a starter at quarterback," says Schwartz, "and I've got three to select from. There's Matthew Stafford, Drew Stanton, or Daunte Culpepper. I don't want to risk it with Stafford. He cost us an arm and a leg, and he's injured an arm and a leg. I guess we need to protect our investment. Otherwise, we may never see a return on investment."
San Francisco wins, 31-21.
Denver @ Philadelphia (-7)
The 10-4 Eagles have clinched a playoff spot, and can wrap up the NFC East with a win over the Broncos, or a Dallas loss to Washington. There also still in the hunt for a first-round bye, but would have to overtake the 11-3 Vikings for the NFC's number two seed.
"We may be in the driver's seat," says Donovan McNabb, "but so was Tiger Woods. Of course, the driver's seat isn't such a bad place when you're doing that much riding. Anyway, the point is, we're not counting our eaglets before they hatch, and the Rocky theme isn't playing just yet, but we are saying 'Yo, Adrian Peterson, we'll see you in Minnesota for the divisional round.' We want to finish strong and beat the Broncos, then use the Cowboys as a springboard to postseason success, like we did last year."
The Broncos had a wild card spot all but sewn up until a fourth-quarter comeback by the Raiders rained on Denver's parade. Now 8-6, Denver holds the sixth spot in the playoff rankings, but there are a number of 7-7 teams counting on their downfall.
"We just blew a sure victory over the Raiders," say Josh McDaniels. "Now we're facing a must-win game against the Eagles. That can mean only one thing: a 'fowl'-mouthed inspirational speech from me."
Philadelphia wins, 24-20.
NY Jets @ Indianapolis (-7)
At 14-0, the Colts are the last of the unbeatens, their latest escape a 35-31 win over the Jaguars last Thursday. During their perfect run, Indianapolis has made comeback victories look ordinary, and trailed the Jags for much of the game before Peyton Manning hit Reggie Wayne for a 65-yard touchdown pass.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with admitting you like to 'take it' from behind," says Peyton Manning. "You just have to ignore whatever Larry Johnson may say about it. We've proven that we can be 'close' and have the cigar."
The Jets blew a golden opportunity to improve to 8-6, but a home loss to the Falcons left them at 7-7 and on the outside looking in at the current playoff picture.
"I think the Colts want to go undefeated and remain sharp for the playoffs," say Rex Ryan. "So, I expect them to be a lot like Joe Namath and refuse to 'call the dogs off.'"
"As you've probably heard, I incorrectly said we were out of the playoffs after losing to the Falcons. Obviously, I spoke too soon, and was guilty of an embarrassing situation known as 'premature exclamation.'"
Indianapolis wins, 27-17.
Dallas @ Washington (+7)
With a huge win in New Orleans last Saturday, the Cowboys boosted their playoff position and rid themselves of their December demons in the process. Dallas physically overwhelmed the previously undefeated Saints, harassing Drew Brees on defense and pounding Marion Barber on offense.
"Hey, now we can join the Mavericks and Stars," says Barber, "as Dallas teams with wins in December. The win against the Saints was a big win for us. I think it marked a turnaround for this team. Obviously, it was a big turnaround for Flozell Adams. He's stopped abusing opposing players; now, he's abusing his own. But we got the 'monkey off our back' by winning a December game. Now, if we could just take care of that 'elephant in the room,' who's always taunting us about our 'trunk-ated' playoff record."
"When we first played the Redskins, we really had a tough time. But now that we've hired the kicker, Shaun Suisham, whose two misses in that game probably would have sealed the win. If it comes down to a late game-winning field goal, Suisham will, once again, be in position to beat the Redskins."
Washington suffered a 45-12 thrashing at the hands of the Giants as new general manager Bruce Allen looked on in horror.
"I think it's time we appealed to not a 'higher' power," says Allen, "but a 'hire' power. We've been in talks with Mike Shanahan about he job for some time now, and I think he would be a perfect fit. After all, this is the Redskins, and with Mike's chameleon-like ability to turn beet red, he would make a great 'face' of the franchise."
Dallas wins, 26-13.
Minnesota @ Chicago (+7½)
After a 26-7 loss to Carolina last Sunday, Minnesota has lost two of its last three games, and the Vikings ship, which looked very strong not long ago, now seems to be taking on water. In addition, there seems to be some controversy surrounding Brett Favre's playing time, as Favre and Brad Childress were seen engaged in a heated discussion on the sidelines on Sunday night.
"This is Minnesota," says Favre. "If, in fact, our ship is 'taking on water,' the teams' experiences on Lake Minnetonka give us a wealth of experience in 'filling holes' on a leaking ship. Talk about 'hard' water. If that doesn't work, we can always resort to the 'Whizzinator' to express water from said sinking ship."
"As for my little sideline dust-up with Brad Childress, that's an internal matter that I made external in the press conference after the game. I don't know what Brad was thinking trying to get me to come out of a game we were leading 7-6. I'm Brett Favre! I never quit while I'm ahead."
Jay Cutler has been the most disappointing star of the NFL season. He's been so bad that he's likely to cost Lovie Smith his job. Cutler leads the NFL with 25 interceptions, and is likely to face the wrath of unhappy Bears fans on Monday night.
"Regardless of my fate," says Smith, "Jay needs to remain grounded. By that, I mean he shouldn't throw the ball. On the bright side, though, Jay's the early, and likely only, favorite to win 2010's Comeback Player of the Year award."
It's apparent what Favre is doing here. He's burning bridges and making enemies, and, at the same time, trying to make a case for the starting job in Chicago next year. It's obvious the Bears need a quarterback, and Favre, as a Bear, can get revenge on the Packers and the Vikings. Let the Favre 2010 stakes begin!
It's Monday night, and Favre has something to prove. Favre throws for 312 yards and 3 touchdowns. Minnesota wins, 27-17.
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