Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville (+4)
With their 28-16 win over the Broncos last week, the Colts broke the NFL record for consecutive regular-season wins. Indy's 22nd straight win eclipsed the Patriots number of 21 set last year. On Thursday, the Colts will face a Jacksonville team fighting to hold on to a wild card playoff berth.
"We're one of the few barriers standing between the Colts and perfection," says Jack Del Rio. "And I know 27 people who will be wildly cheering for us to upset Indianapolis. No, I'm not talking about the surviving members of the 1972 Dolphins. I'm talking about our home crowd."
"Anyway, slowing the Colts requires you to confuse Peyton Manning. He's always a threat to change the play at the line. But does he really change the play, or are those wild gyrations and signals a bunch of baloney? We know Manning's a 'histrionics' buff, but sometimes, I think his actions are nothing more that a histrionics bluff."
Manning and the Colts are 13-0, and have clinched home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. Maintaining momentum is the order of business now.
"That's right," says Manning. "We've got our goals clearly in sight. You could say we have our 'blinders' on, but really, we're wearing those so we can't see a looming matchup with our playoff nemesis San Diego down the road."
"As for the Jaguars, we know they, and their fans, will be fired up for this one. I hear the Jags have already announced a 'sellout' for the game. Now, does that mean all seats will be full, or does it mean I'm coming to town, because God knows, I've lent my name to the marketing of a number of products? You may have seen me in my latest shill job, the Sony HD commercial with Justin Timberlake. What's so amazing about this ad? They've got me pushing product, and I don't even have a speaking line! I thought about calling an 'audible' and dropping a clever line. Let's face it. This commercial is not funny, and it just goes to show that Timberlake is only funny on Saturday Night Live."
Jim Caldwell has stated that his "healthy" starters will play, a statement the ambiguity of which is almost as amazing as the fact that Caldwell actually said something.
After the Jaguars race to a 17-13 halftime lead, Manning and his cohorts spend halftime doing what most Indiana pro athletes do to get going — passing around a bottle of Hennessey. Unfortunately, they find it doesn't quite work as well for them as it did for Ron Artest.
Jacksonville wins, 26-24.
Dallas @ New Orleans (-7)
The Saints are 13-0 and well on their way to capturing home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. The Cowboys are 8-5 and looking for their first win in December after losing to the Chargers 20-17 in Dallas. Are the chips falling neatly into place for the Saints to move to 14-0?
"We try not to mention the term 'perfect storm' here in New Orleans," says Reggie Bush. "But playing Dallas in December is almost as sure of a win as playoff them in the playoffs. Especially now that Tony Romo is doing the holding on kicks. Of course, they say things are bigger in Texas. With the Cowboys in town, New Orleans just got bigger, and easier. And I'm sure the Cowboys won't feel quite as home in the primitive Superdome as they do in the luxurious confines of Cowboys Stadium. Heck, you could view the huge video screen in 3D last week. You won't see three 'Ds' in the Superdome, although you most likely will see three 'Ls.'"
Right now, Dallas holds the No. 6 seed in the playoffs, but that position will be hard to maintain considering their remaining schedule. After their date in New Orleans, Dallas goes to Washington, then closes out the year by hosting the Eagles.
"We've got a chance to make history," says Wade Phillips, "by surprising people. The game against Philadelphia will be crucial. That's a winnable game. Heck, it's in January."
"As for me, all I'm asking for is a little respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take care, TCB. Realistically, though, with our December history, I should be singing 'D-E-F-E-A-T-S. Take care, J-O-B. If we don't make the playoffs, Jerry Jones may sock it to me by giving me the boot."
Saints win, 34-23 and remain undefeated. In Roy Williams' alternate reality world of "should haves," Dallas is undefeated and December has been stricken from the calendar.
Cleveland @ Kansas City (+1)
Cleveland's 13-6 win over the defending Super Bowl champion Steelers was a huge emotional lift, for the team, for the city of Cleveland, and for head coach Eric Mangini. The Browns dominated the Steelers, sacking Ben Roethlisberger eight times, while rushing for 171 yards.
"We beat the Steelers by playing Steeler football," says Mangini. "Shoot, somebody's got to play Steeler football, because Pittsburgh sure isn't. In the Dawg Pound, you could say we put a collar on 'unleashing hell.'"
"Now, is this one victory enough to keep me around? I guess that will be up to Mike Holmgren, who's possibly the next general manager here in Cleveland. They've rolled out the red carpet for Cleveland's potential czar. I can't tell you what an honor it would be to work for him; fans tell me I would be just as honored to be fired by him. I think that's an example of 'czar'-casm."
Kansas City's Matt Cassell has struggled this year, with 13 interceptions and only 13 touchdowns. He tossed four of those picks last week in a 16-10 loss to the Bills.
"Playing against a former Patriots assistant coach is probably the closest I'll ever get to New England again," says Cassel. "It seems, though, that when former Patriots assistants step out from under the Bill Belichick umbrella, all hell breaks loose. From what I hear, Mangini deserves what's coming to him. According to players like Jamal Lewis, Mangini's a 'scrooge.' I bet his idea of a Christmas movie is Die Hard."
Brady Quinn outplays Cassel, and by "outplay," I mean he has fewer turnovers, proving that the "Quinn" rules the "Cassel."
Cleveland wins, 17-13.
Atlanta @ NY Jets (-6)
Leg injuries sidelined Matt Ryan and Mark Sanchez last week, but both will likely start on Sunday when the 6-7 Falcons face the 7-6 Jets. Ryan has battled a nagging turf toe injury for several weeks, while Sanchez sat as a precautionary measure after injuring his knee on a head first slide two weeks ago against Buffalo.
"I was certainly stunned, and not happy," says Sanchez, "when Rex Ryan informed me that not only would I not be starting, I wouldn't even be making the trip to Tampa last week. He not only threw me a curveball, he threw me a 'slider', as well. I was really looking forward to the trip, not only to play, but to practice my sliding techniques with Ricky Henderson in an early spring training session."
The injury to Ryan, as well as Michael Turner's ankle injury, has sent the Falcons season spiraling downward. After a fast start, Atlanta has dropped five of seven, and although they're still technically alive in the playoff hunt, a loss would practically, if not mathematically, eliminate them from contention.
"If we could have remained healthy," says Mike Smith, "I feel we'd be on much more solid playoff footing. But Ryan's and Turner's injuries have been a 'bone of contention' for our playoff hopes. And speaking of 'bones,' Jonathan Babineaux got caught smoking one while driving near Atlanta last week. Now it looks like we'll have another player in rehab."
Jets win, 24-21.
Miami @ Tennessee (-3)
While Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, and Brett Favre have dominated the MVP talk this year, Chris Johnson's has made a case that he should be in the discussion as well. Johnson leads the NFL in rushing with 1,626 yards, 347 more than his closest pursuer.
"Who says the MVP should be limited to aging white quarterbacks," says Johnson, "besides the aging white voters? I'm putting my foot in the door for the MVP vote. You could say I'm adding a little 'sole' to the race. I've already been guaranteed two votes from owner Bud Adams, who's great at 'sticking up' for his players and team."
"With our playoff hopes slim, some of us may be looking ahead to 2010. Not me. I'm looking towards 2,000, yards that is. I've got three games to get 374 yards. That will put me in elite company."
At 7-6, the Dolphins trail the Patriots by a single game in the NFC East, and could still win the division, depending on several factors, most notably Randy Moss' effort. A loss in Tennessee, however, would likely put a damper on any playoff plans for Miami.
"Hey, we're just like the Patriots," says Ricky Williams. "We can't rely on Moss for anything. But, what I wouldn't give to have Moss on my team. Moss quitting is way better than Ted Ginn, Jr. trying."
"Now, I have to caution Johnson on the perils of having a career year. I led the NFL in rushing in 2002. Soon after that, I retired from football, with the ironic excuse that I was 'burned out.' But once the smoke cleared, I came back at full strength. I just want to tell Chris not to walk away from the sport in your prime. There's a better time to do that. It's called 4:20."
Titans win, 27-17.
San Francisco @ Philadelphia (-6)
After a 45-38 win at Giants Stadium, the Eagles took the lead in the NFC East and assumed the identity of this week's "hottest team in the NFC East," which typically changes on a weekly basis, and may soon include the Redskins. DeSean Jackson scored on a 70-yard punt return and on a 60-yard pass from Donovan McNabb, and, in doing so, Jackson tied the NFL record for most TDs of 50 yards or more, with 8.
"As you can see by his enthusiasm," says Donovan McNabb, "DeSean loves to play the game — when he's conscious. And he's got a great relationship with Andy Reid. Anyone who can chest bump Coach Reid and stick the landing is a player in my book. DeSean's just like a son to Andy. Like Andy's sons, DeSean's always a threat to 'score.' Why don't we nickname him 'The Junkie?'"
With their 24-9 win over Arizona on Monday, the 49ers swept the Cardinals and pulled to within two games of the lead in the NFC West. San Francisco would need to win their remaining three games and pray for a monumental collapse by the Cardinals.
"If their grip on the division is anything like their grip on the ball Monday night," says Mike Singletary, "then we're in business. Sure, it's a long shot, but in the NFL, anything's possible. Like, for example, the fact that a team wins a game 45-38 and has praise heaped upon them, yet no one raises the questions that should arise when 38 points are surrendered."
Eagles win, 24-20.
New England @ Buffalo (+7)
Two weeks ago, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen welcomed a new member to their family with the birth of their first child. It was Brady's second son; his first was the result of his union with actress Bridget Moynahan. Last week, Brady realized that there's another "baby" in his life, Randy Moss, who pouted his way to a 1-catch day against the Panthers last week, a catch that was fumbled.
"How dare the Panthers say Moss 'quit,'" says Brady. "That's just not true. The only thing Randy's 'quit' is shaving. Of course, we all know Randy takes plays off. Plays off? Plays off? That's right, Jim Mora, Sr., I'm talking 'bout 'plays off.'"
"But seriously, let's not go all 'Joe Buck' and blow this Moss incident out of proportion. This incident probably doesn't even make the top 10 list of 'Randy Moments.' I bet Mike Tice didn't even raise an eyebrow."
"Is Randy upset because he was sent home from practice for being a few minutes late? Did he think that was unfair? Maybe. If so, that would explain his actions, because he was a few minutes late on that route in which I threw the interception."
While Moss pouts in New England, Terrell Owen has been remarkably well-behaved in Buffalo. Owens has not complained, and has done what no one else has been able, or willing, to do — shower praise upon quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Of course, T.O.'s much better at showering praise on himself. He recently signed a modeling contract with the Wilhelmina agency, citing the need to take advantage of his good looks.
"For once," says Owens, "you can call me a 'model' citizen. And, with apologies to Van Halen and their song 'Panama,' Moss has 'zero discipline.' I bet if Randy had a Sharpie marker stashed in his pants, he'd be too lazy to take it out to sign a football."
"Of course, I'm looking forward to this modeling gig. And if they give me a Dallas 'star' to stand on, I'll strike any pose they want me to, as long as Roy Williams isn't around."
Intent on coddling Moss at every cost, Bill Belichick takes serious measures to please more, none more drastic than dressing Moss in Wes Welker's No. 83 jersey. Brady targets Moss 8 times on the Pats' first drive, which culminates in a 10-yard TD pass to Moss, who is pelted by a shower of Pampers diapers in the end zone.
New England wins, 27-13.
Arizona @ Detroit (+10½)
Any momentum the Cardinals achieved in beating the Vikings last week was lost in San Francisco, where Arizona lost 24-9 to the 49ers. Arizona committed 7 turnovers and was penalized 11 times. The loss prevented the Cardinals from clinching the NFC West. Now they lead the 49ers by two games with three to play.
"Hey, we wouldn't be the first to lose our heart in San Francisco," says Kurt Warner, "because that was a gutless performance. After the win against Minnesota, many speculated that Monday night's game would be a 'letdown' game for us. They were right; our offense letdown our defense. With 7 turnovers, you have to question our effort. For me, it was a lot like donating at church — we only gave ten percent. As such, we were fit to be tithed."
Arizona wins, 31-14.
Green Bay @ Pittsburgh (-1)
After consecutive losses to the Raiders and Browns, the Steelers have lost five in a row after a 6-2 start, and now face a steep, uphill climb to make the postseason and defend their Super Bowl title. A win over the red-hot Packers is imperative to keep those hopes alive. It won't be easy, though. Green Bay will arrive in Pittsburgh with the NFL's second-ranked defense, intent on extinguishing the Steelers' playoff aspirations.
"This must be a case of the 'Super Bowl hangover,'" says Aaron Rodgers. "Heck, anytime you drink a case, you're bound to have a hangover. Anyway, the operative word in 'hangover' is 'over.' The Steelers may have just played themselves out of the playoffs. We know the 'Terrible Towels' will be waving on Sunday. Most likely, they'll be waving 'goodbye.'"
Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger realizes than the Steelers playoff hopes are tenuous, at best. That didn't seem to motivate them last week in Cleveland, but a newfound sense of urgency may be the panacea for a frantic playoff push.
"Yep, we've been listening to a lot of Dire Straits lately," says Roethlisberger. "Unfortunately, it's been the song 'So Far Away.' But we still have a chance for the postseason, plus we'll be defending our home field, so there could be a turf war going on here. There could be another 'turf' war taking place, as well, which would be an argument between Rodgers and I over who's' been sacked the most."
Pittsburgh wins, 22-20.
Chicago @ Baltimore (-10)
With a 48-3 demolition of the Lions, the Ravens are obviously practicing a "take no prisoners" approach to the stretch drive in search of a playoff berth. The Ravens piled up a whopping 308 yards on the ground, and will likely stay run-happy against the Bears, who gave up 146 yards rushing to the Packers last week.
"Yes, we plan to run the ball," says John Harbaugh. "That's what we do best. And until Joe Flacco finds the aim he showed last year, that's what we'll continue to do. It's not often you ask your quarterback to 'play like a rookie,' but that's what we want from Joe."
"Defensively, we know Jay Cutler's psyche is fragile. We'll test his mettle. That's the case anytime you see Ray Lewis staring at you from across the line of scrimmage. Ray has an innate ability to look in a man's eyes, see the fear, process it, and determine if that man has the fortitude to overcome it. Peyton Manning has that ability, but I think Ray has his doubts about Cutler's manhood.
"Pussy galore," quoth the Raven. "Pussy galore."
Ravens win, 27-20.
Houston @ St. Louis (+10)
The Rams were pounded last week 47-7 in Tennessee, and at 1-12, seem well on their way to another high draft pick and salary cap hell. The Rams need help on both sides of the ball. The Rams have yet to find consistency at quarterback, and their defense has surrendered 361 points, second-worst in the league.
"Our defense usually has so many holes," says defensive coordinator Ken Flajole, "you can feel the 'draft.' Ironically, we try to use the draft to fill the holes from the draft. But we may have to change our draft strategy, and maybe look at someone other than the sons of famous professional athletes. First, it was Chris Long, son of Raider great Howie Long. Last year, it was James Laurinaitis, son of pro wrestling legend Road Warrior Animal. Long has been disappointing, but Laurinaitis has become a solid linebacker. That's not surprising. Everyone knows pro wrestlers are tougher than football players, and they make better governors of Minnesota."
The Texans snapped a four-game slide with a convincing 34-7 win over the Seahawks, a game dominated by Andre Johnson, who caught 11 passes for 193 yards and 2 touchdowns. As is often the case with the Texans, it's "too little, too late." Again, an 8-8 or 9-7 record is just not good enough.
"I still think we're one of the better teams in the NFL," says Matt Schaub, "at adjusting our goals midway through the season. We've been the 'trendy pick' to make the playoffs for about for years now, which is, in itself, a 'trend.' And we're just as shocked as our fans that we can't take that 'next step.' For us, the Super Bowl is out of the question, but the 'stupor' bowl is always a possibility."
Houston wins, 34-17.
Oakland @ Denver (-11½)
Despite losing in Indianapolis, the Broncos still have the inside track to a wildcard berth. At 8-5, Denver is at least one game up on the other AFC playoff hopefuls, and, with home games against the Raiders and Chiefs sandwiching a visit to Philadelphia, the Broncos course to a wild card spot looks rather smooth.
"You wouldn't believe the things that are said when the Raiders and Broncos are on the field at the same time," says Josh McDaniels. "It's almost as bad as me haranguing my team on the sidelines as television cameras capture it all. You know, they call me the 'Road Runner,' because whenever my mouth opens, all you hear is 'beep beep.'"
The Raiders will face their hated AFC West rivals with their quarterback situation in turmoil. Bruce Gradkowski suffered two knee injuries, and Tom Cable has to make a tough choice between JaMarcus Russell and Charlie Frye as his starter.
"But that's not even the juiciest story," says Al Davis. "Randy Hanson is back at work for the Raiders. He's now an hourly employee, which means he has to punch in but can't be punched out."
"Cable has made his choice, and he's going with Frye. Obviously, Tom has no faith in JaMarcus, but he's got Charlie 'pride.'"
The Broncos rush for 201 yards, and Denver wins, 27-9.
Cincinnati @ San Diego (-7)
Those in the know remember the 1981 AFC Championship as the most famous Bengals/Chargers game in history. The Bengals won 27-7 in Cincinnati as wind chill temperatures reached –37 degrees. While the stakes aren't nearly as high and the temperature will be over 100 degrees warmer, the outcome in San Diego will likely play a role in determining playoff seeding.
"Wow. That was over 28 years ago," says Chad Ochocinco, "and one name ago. I was only four at the time, and I was already too big for my britches, but I definitely had a lot of mouth to grow in to. But that was a historic game, one which set the standard for hazardous playing conditions, and one which finally quantified the term 'colder than a witch's titty.'"
"As for Carson Palmer's elbow, he assures me it's fine. In fact, he just greased it. But many people still have questions as to the viability of the Bengals. Well, there's a simple explanation: when you practically clinch the division in week ten, you're bound to have a letdown or two, or more."
The Chargers have won eight in a row after defeating the Cowboys 20-17 in Dallas last Sunday. While the Cowboys struggle in December, the Chargers haven't lost since 2005 in December.
"If you listen to the words of Tila Tequila," says Philip Rivers, "then December to the Chargers is a lot like her relationship with Shawne Merriman — it doesn't miss a 'beat.'"
Is this the year it all falls into place for the Chargers? It all looks good so far. Should they capture the number two seed in the AFC (and it looks like they will) they won't have to play anywhere near cold weather. And they always match up well with the Colts.
San Diego wins, 26-21.
Tampa Bay @ Seattle (-7)
If there was a topical "Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens for this game, the Jon Gruden would likely play two roles in it, the "Ghost of Coaches Past" and the "Ghost of Coaches Future." Gruden, the former coach of the Buccaneers, has been rumored to be Mike Holgren's choice to coach the Seahawks, should Holmgren become general manager.
"That's pure conjecture," says Jim Mora. "I equate the Holmgren/Gruden rumors to some of Gruden's overexcited ramblings on Monday Night Football — some things said are not necessarily true, and are often just outright bluster. Anyway, it looks like Holmgren's heading to Cleveland, to either take the job, or make Seattle think he'll take the job."
The Bucs are 1-12, with their lone win coming over the Packers in Week 9. Since then, Tampa has lost five in a row.
"That was a huge win for us," says Morris. "Without it, we'd be winless, and we'd have to face the embarrassment of being called 'Null and Crossbones.'"
Seahawks win, 27-10.
Minnesota @ Carolina (+7)
Playoff teams last year, both the Panthers and Vikings looked to be teams a quarterback away from taking that huge step from a mere playoff team to one capable of winning it all. The Vikes filled that void by convincing Brett Favre to come to Minnesota, while the Panthers chose to stay with Jake Delhomme.
"Hey, you know how it is in Minnesota," says Brad Childress. "Whether it's a Hall of Fame quarterback or talent for a Lake Minnetonka cruise, recruiting is a big deal."
"We can't take this game lightly. First of all, we need a win to clinch the number two NFC seed. Secondly, I'll be darned if we'll have some two bit Panther defensive backs questioning our effort. Besides, we need all the rest for Brett Favre we can get. Hopefully, Brett can get a solid two weeks rest, and hopefully, in that time, he won't decide to play for another team."
Minnesota wins, 30-17.
NY Giants @ Washington (+3)
Despite out-gaining the Eagles 512 to 374, the Giants lost a 45-38 shootout to the Eagles, giving up several big plays and losing four fumbles. New York dropped to 7-6, but is still is in fairly decent shape, with a Week 16 game against Carolina before closing in Minnesota against the Vikings who are likely to be resting starters.
"I'm a big fan of 'resting starters,'" says Tom Coughlin. "I call it 'benching.' But I'm really disappointed in our defense. It's really an embarrassment to be known as the 'OMG-Men.' I've seen better defense from the Stanford band. Defense used to be this team's 'bread and butter.' Now, it appears that our defense is nothing more than 'toast.'"
The 4-9 Redskins may be the most improved team in the NFL from the beginning of the season. And, looking ahead to 2010, the 'Skins will likely contend in what will surely be a tight, four-team race for the NFC East crown.
"It's true what Miley Cyrus says," says Jim Zorn. "There is 'Parity in the NFL.' I just hope Daniel Snyder doesn't ruin the continuity and progress we've made by opening his big mouth about anything. When Snyder talks, people don't listen, they snicker. Hopefully, Snyder won't disturb this groove. We're making a name for ourselves. There's been 'The Hogs,' 'The Smurfs,' and 'The Fun Bunch' in Washington already. Now we've got a group we like to call 'The Bingo-Fo's.'"
Washington wins, 27-24.
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