Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Miami @ Buffalo (+3)
In the wake of Dick Jauron's firing in Buffalo, owner Ralph Wilson has promised sweeping changes to the organization, indicating that, indeed, "nobody circles the wagons in such a large radius as the Buffalo Bills." The Bills have lost three straight after last Sunday's 18-15 loss in Jacksonville, and will face a Miami team that pounded them 38-10 in Week 4.
"As you may have heard," says Wilson, "we've contacted Mike Shanahan and Bill Cowher about the job. They've both declined, and oddly enough, both spurned the offer with the same words: 'You couldn't pay me enough to coach the Bills.' They're absolutely right, though. I can't afford those guys. What I can afford is another Dick Jauron-like coach, a defensive-minded fellow with little to no imagination and creativity when it comes to offense. Those guys are a dime a dozen, and usually not worth a nickel."
Despite the loss of Ronnie Brown for the season, the Dolphins running game didn't suffer in last Thursday's win over the Panthers. The Bills shoddy run defense can expect a healthy dose of Ricky Williams.
"We've don't need the 'wildcat' to run all over teams," says Tony Sparano. "Ricky's probably the greatest player to come out of the CFL since Warren Moon, and he's without a doubt the greatest to come off of THC in the history of the game. And this Miami franchise has so many owners, Bills fans will see the largest collection of 'Fin-gers' once we have the game in hand."
Williams rushes for 121 yards and a touchdown, and the Dolphins win, 24-17.
Seattle @ St. Louis (+1)
In an NFC West battle in which the word "implications" won't be used, the 1-9 Rams and running back Steven Jackson host the 3-7 Seahawks. Jackson leads the NFC in rushing with 1,031 yards, and became the first Ram to record five consecutive 1,000-yard seasons.
"Here in Seattle," says Jim Mora, "we definitely know a beast when we see one. Whether it's Bigfoot, teeny-bopping werewolves and vampires, or Courtney Love, we know when something should be feared. And we fear Jackson. Most people, including Vanilla Ice, would agree that no Ram has induced that much fright since Suge Knight. And, with Marc Bulger out for the year, we can expect even more of Jackson. In St. Louis, the popular saying in regards to Jackson is 'Ewe the man.'"
In last week's 35-9 loss in Minnesota, the Seahawks rushed for a grand total of 4 yards.
"I believe that offense is called the 'run and moot,'" says Steve Spagnuolo. "Hopefully, we'll have similar success at stopping the run. However, I think the Seahawks will try to throw more against us, and target T.J. Houshmandzadeh, not only to gain yardage, but to keep him happy. By all means, you need to keep that guy happy. Speaking of werewolves and vampires, T.J. looks a little bit like both. I imagine he avoids Coors Light beer and garlic."
Seattle wins, 24-20.
Washington @ Philadelphia (-9)
Offensive woes continue to plague the 3-7 Redskins. In last week's 7-6 loss in Dallas, Washington managed only 2 field goals, and two misses by Shawn Suisham likely cost them the game. With the Eagles up next, Jim Zorn knows the 'Skins will need more than the 14 points they've averaged so far this year.
"There were more 'scores' in Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address than we managed in Dallas," says Zorn. "If that's the case at Lincoln Financial Field, then we'll certainly go down again."
"I feel somewhat vindicated that our offense hasn't improved with Sherman Lewis calling the plays. But what was to be expected? With an expert bingo caller making the decisions, it's no surprise that our offense has been 'benign.'
The Eagles snapped a two-game skid with a big 24-20 win in Chicago, buoyed by big-play threat DeSean Jackson and quarterback Donovan McNabb. And, Philly was solid on the ground, rushing for 157 yards.
"I think we've proven we can succeed without Brian Westbrook," says McNabb. "I know two concussions is a lot to overcome, but if anyone can do it, it's Brian. He is one tough customer, and I have no doubts that he can fight through the effects of those concussions when given the okay to play. Heck, of all people, I should know. I played for two whole years with a 'headache' when Terrell Owens was here."
What's the most thankless job in the NFL? Bill Belichick's video assistant? Travis Henry's nanny? Cleveland Browns general manager? None of those. It's a Redskins defender.
The Washington defense keeps them in the game, but the Eagles pull away late for the win.
Eagles win, 23-16.
Arizona @ Tennessee (-1)
The Titans won their fourth straight, a 20-17 decision over the home-standing Texans, a game notable as Vince Young's return to his hometown of Houston, as well as for the unceasing praise from the Monday Night Football booth.
"Some of Bud Adams decisions have been questionable," says Jeff Fisher, "but not his adamance that I start Vince after our 0-6 start to the season. Bud can put a finger anywhere, including on the pulse of a franchise. He can even put 'finger print' in the Buffalo News, offering Bills fans an apology for his middle finger outburst. That's a totally selfless act. Bud's got more class in his middle finger than most people have in their index finger."
"As for the MNF's crew constant adoration of Vince, well, it was excessive. If Mike Fratello is the 'Czar of the Telestrator,' then Jon Gruden is the 'Czar of the Exaggerator.' Did I really hear Gruden crooning Eric Clapton's 'Wonderful Tonight'? Has he heard the song 'Wonderlic Tonight?' Coincidentally, both of those songs could go no higher than number one."
Kurt Warner suffered a head injury in the Cardinals 21-13 win over St. Louis, but it looks as though he'll play Sunday, although the Cardinals are taking a cautionary approach.
"Roughly translated," says Warner, "that means we don't want to tell the Titans Matt Leinart is playing until the latest possible time. I'm not sure Matt can quite appreciate what it's like to have your brain jarred in such a manner. 'Jello shot' has an entirely different meaning to him."
One team's winning streak will end on Sunday. And since the Cards have a comfortable lead in the NFC West, with Warner's status questionable, it's a perfect time for Arizona to "tank it."
Titans win, 27-22.
Indianapolis @ Houston (+3½)
The Colts are 10-0 after another narrow win, a 17-15 escape in Baltimore. Indianapolis has now won its last four games by a total of 10 points. One of those was a three-point win in Houston in Week 9, a loss the Texans have designs on avenging this Sunday at Lucas Oil Stadium.
"Hey, you've got to hand it to the Colts," says Gary Kubiak. "Heck, everyone's 'handing it' to the Colts, like Bill Belichick, and the Ravens offense, for example. But we've got more to offer that teams like the Patriots and Ravens. Unlike those teams, we've got the opportunity to hand Indy two wins. It's that spirit of giving that will have the Colts appropriately giving thanks in accordance with the holiday season."
Houston has lost its last two, both division games, by three points, and on both occasions, kicker Kris Brown missed field goals that would have sent the game into overtime.
"Believe me," says Brown, "I'm really disappointed. But as they say in this business, 'kickers have to have a short memory.' So, you can't get down on yourself when you miss. Luckily, when I try to 'kick myself,' I miss.
What's worse than the despair brought about by two tough division losses? A third. Peyton Manning throws for 2 touchdowns, and the Colts down the Texans, 27-21.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-14)
Hey, maybe LeBron James could play for the Browns. After Cleveland surrendered 416 yards passing and 5 touchdown scores to Matthew Stafford in a 38-37 loss to the Lions, it's apparent James could contribute on defense, maybe as a speed-rushing defensive end. Of course, that's assuming James, as an NFL player, could still operate under NBA rules, particularly the one forbidding blocking.
"It's an affront to all NFL players, present and past, for James to assume he could play at this level," says Chad Ochocinco. "I think James would be more suited to address a more glaring need for the Browns — the coaching position. But seriously, talking about James and football is like talking about me and humility. They just don't go together. So, as far as James and football go, everyone needs to shut the 'F' up."
"Now, I won't be sending any 'gifts' to the members of the Cleveland defensive backfield. The gift of gab is the gift that I have, and it's the only one Marvin Lewis will allow me to offer the opposing team. Besides, I don't take 'gag' orders from anyone."
Former Green Bay and Seattle coach Mike Holmgren has expressed his interest in working for the Browns and assisting in the turnaround of the struggling franchise. The Browns are 1-9 and in desperate need of guidance.
"Hey, what do you get when you cross Eric Mangini and Mike Holmgren?" asks Brady Quinn. "You get University of Kansas head coach Mark Mangino. Anyway, I think Holmgren would be a great addition. We need someone who's more concerned with the health of his own team than with injuries of the other team."
Bengals win, 27-9.
Carolina @ NY Jets (-3)
Mark Sanchez and Jake Delhomme have thrown 16 and 14 interceptions, numbers topped by only Jay Cutler's 18. While Delhomme and Sanchez have had their moments, most of their play this year has been unworthy of praise.
"As a big fan of hot dogs," say Sanchez, "I call that 'holding the relish.' And speaking of hot dog toppings, onions are a lot like Jets football — they both make Rex Ryan cry. Whatever you do, don't call him an 'S.O.B.' He might just do it."
At a disappointing 4-6 after last year's NFC South-winning year, the futures of Delhomme and head coach John Fox are up in the air.
"If you're talking about Jake's future," says John Fox, "it's best to describe it like you would his throws — 'pass tense.' Unfortunately, Jake signed a contract extension in April. In his case, you don't have to wait for the 'money shot;' it already is."
"Now, Sanchez is a lot like Joe Namath. He's a true entertainer. You never know what he's going to show up with, whether it be a hot dog, a hastily prepared statement, or an 'Apple' turnover. Jake lacks the cinematic flair, but like Sanchez, he lacks a key ingredient needed to be a good passer — aim."
The Jets and Panthers will both employ similar strategies, and that's a game plan that requires as little passing as possible. Edge to the Panthers — they've had an extra three days to design plays in which Delhomme takes the snap from center, hands off to a running back, and then remains as inconspicuous as possible.
Carolina wins, 24-23.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-11½)
After a tough overtime loss to the Giants, the Falcons are 5-5 and further out of the NFC's wild card race, with three 6-4 teams ahead of them. Now, after two losses on the road, Atlanta returns to the confines of the Georgia Dome, where they are a perfect 4-0.
"We've got Georgia on our minds," says Mike Smith. "And even a blind man like Ray Charles can see that with kicker Jason Elam, we don't got the right one, baby. That's why we've brought in several kickers for tryout, and if one of those in particular wins the job, a Yugoslavian named Gus, he'll join Elam as a fellow kicker who looks like an ass."
In Tampa, the Bucs demoted defensive coordinator Jim Bates after the Saints posted 38 points last Sunday. Bates took over for former defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, and Bates moved the defense away for the 'Tampa 2' defense made so successful by Kiffin.
"Jim got demoted because he 'de-Monte'd," says Morris. "And the decision is not open to 'de-Bates.'"
Falcons win, 30-17.
Kansas City @ San Diego (-13½)
The Chargers are in sole possession of the AFC West lead after a convincing 32-3 win in Denver, made even more satisfying after Josh McDaniels' comments in some pre-game banter that the Broncos "owned" the Chargers.
"Usually," says Shaun Phillips, "when I'm accosted by a 33-year-old white man in a hoody and a baseball cap, it's for Shawne Merriman's autograph. It's not often an NFL coach trash-talks you, unless of course you find yourself on the Atlanta Falcons sideline."
"As for those people who say we're peaking at the right time, well, that's just foolish. Yes, we're peaking, but is now the right time? No. We want to be peaking in late January and early February. Last year, we peaked at the right time. This year, though, we want to earn a playoff home game, and not have it handed to us just because we won the division."
In last week's 27-24 win over Pittsburgh, the Chiefs proved that primitive, Stone Age weaponry can overcome those forged from steel.
"And a knee to the head makes a handy tool as well," says Todd Haley. "As for the Chargers, we're hoping to catch them in an overconfident state. Right now, they're riding high, and are so full of themselves that they need changing. And speaking of dirty laundry, did Antonio Cromartie really nail someone in the head with a champagne bottle? The real question here is what was Cromartie even doing with a champagne bottle? The Chargers haven't won anything yet."
Cromartie's transgression won't tarnish San Diego's image, not with model citizen Philip Rivers on the team. He lives such a clean life, he's got a permanent milk mustache.
Chargers win, 32-14.
Jacksonville @ San Francisco (-3)
Two former linebackers-turned-coaches square off in San Francisco when Jack Del Rio and the Jaguars face the 49ers, helmed by "Samuarai" Mike Singletary. After a promising 3-1 start to the season, the 49ers have lost five of six, while the Jags have won three in a row and four of five.
"I have a ton of respect for Del Rio," says Singletary, "not only as a former linebacker, but also as a coach, as well as a human being. He was every bit the linebacker that I was, except without the Super Bowl ring, the Asian-flavored nickname, and the mad rap skills."
The Jaguars have won three in a row to improve to 6-4, a distant four games behind the Colts, but well within the playoff hunt.
"Hey, I'm a big fan of Singletary as well," says Del Rio. "When he speaks, you listen, much like you would if former 49er great Ronnie Lott were to endorse 'Stub Hub.' Now, Sunday's game will be a battle between two of the league's best backs, Maurice Jones-Drew and Frank Gore. If you tire easily of hearing about players with low centers of gravity, then this is not the game for you."
San Francisco wins, 23-17.
Chicago @ Minnesota (-10½)
Brett Favre established a career high for completion percentage, connecting on 88% of his passes in a 35-9 win over Seattle last week. Favre was 22-of-25 for 213 yards, and threw scoring strikes to four different receivers.
"Hey, I'm not even sure Jay Cutler has four different receivers," says Favre. "But he's great at compensating for that by throwing to the defense."
Things are rough in Chicago. Jay Cutler leads the league with 18 interceptions, and rumors mill is churning with the notion that Lovie Smith will be fired unless the Bears pull out a win in Minnesota, where the Vikings are 5-0.
"Like Favre," says Cutler, "I was supposed to be the savior of my new team. It hasn't quite worked out so well. Brett is widely considered the 'heavenly Favre.' But I'm not without my own divinity. Shoot, there are lots of people in Chicago that would like to see me 'spirited' away."
Vikings win, 30-17.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (-2½)
Losses were aplenty in the AFC North last week, as all four division teams went down in defeat, leaving the division rankings intact and the Bengals still on top. The Ravens dropped a winnable 17-15 decision to the Colts, while the Steelers were stunned in overtime 27-24 in Kansas City. In that game, Ben Roethlisberger was knocked out of the game with a concussion and backup Charlie Batch broke his wrist in relief.
"I've been cleared to play," says Roethlisberger, "and after Adam Lambert's performance at the American Music Awards, I should be cleared of all pending sexual assault charges, as well. Losing to the Chiefs was big; had we won that, I could have sat this one out while the cobwebs cleared. Now, this game is a must-win, and with Charlie Batch out, it would have been extremely unfair to throw third-stringer Dennis Dixon into the fire. Especially against a Ravens defense eager to take their anger towards Brady Quinn out on any quarterback. Me? I relish the opportunity. I've won two Super Bowls, so I've been 'king for a day.' Now's my chance to be 'Quinn for a day.'"
At 5-5, the Ravens need a win to enhance their playoff resume, as well as their confidence. A win over the Steelers would give Baltimore second place in the division.
"Hey, if Chris Johnson can boldly predict the Titans to win 10 straight games," says Ray Lewis, "then who's to say I can't predict five in a row for this team? Because I just did."
Steelers win, 26-16.
New England @ New Orleans (-3)
Tom Brady and the Patriots head to New Orleans for a huge Monday night showdown with the undefeated Saints. New England understands the pressure of remaining undefeated, as the Patriots were a perfect 16-0 in the 2008 regular season.
"It's imperative that we get off to a fast start against the Saints," says Tom Brady. "If you want to suck the life out of the Saints, then the best way, besides trading your entire draft for Ricky Williams, is to score two quick touchdowns. It's hard to call a game between the NFL's top two offenses a 'war.' In 'wars,' there's usually 'defense.'"
The Saints will score their share of points against the Patriots. Preventing the Pats from scoring will be their key to victory. To do so, New Orleans' opportunistic defensive backfield will have to slow Wes Welker and Randy Moss.
"Welker is sneaky-good," says Darren Sharper, "and Moss makes the game look so effortless. He puts the 'funk' in 'perfunctory.'"
New England wins, 41-38.
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