NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 7

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Indianapolis @ St. Louis (+13)

The 0-6 Rams host the 5-0 Colts, fresh off a bye week, in what would appear to result in a lopsided outcome, as the Colts so far have looked to be as unstoppable as the Rams are stoppable. But the Rams showed progress, playing well in a 23-20 overtime loss in Jacksonville.

"So the Rams showed promise in defeat?" says Peyton Manning. "Well, then, they shouldn't be surprised by my promise of defeat. St. Louis used to be the home of the 'Greatest Show on Turf.' No more. Now their quarterbacks are the only ones 'shown' the turf. I hear they're renaming the Gateway Arch the 'Arch de Triumph' in honor of all the visiting teams that have emerged victorious in St. Louis."

"Hey, there's a lot of pride in this franchise," says Steve Spagnuolo. "We may not be going to the playoffs this year, but when the Rams do make the playoffs, they reach the Super Bowl on a consistent basis. That's more than I can say for some franchises. I won't name names, but we're playing them Sunday. Let's just say that for the Colts, the 'fade route' is not only a pass pattern, it often describe the ends to their seasons.

"With that being said, we know we'll have to score to keep pace with the Colts offense. If there's any vulnerability in their defense, it's right up the gut. That's where we'll have to attack with Steven Jackson. With success running the ball, we'll keep Manning on the sideline, where he can casually browse photos of the Rams defense, or maybe some promising scripts for upcoming ads."

Hey, is that Bob Sanders in street clothes on the Indy sideline? Yes, it is, which can mean only one thing: business as usual for the Colts. Manning throws for 3 touchdowns, and the no-huddle offense continually catches the Rams defense off-guard, as Manning ironically catches St. Louis napping by quick-snapping after "counting sheep."

Indianapolis wins, 38-20.

San Diego @ Kansas City (+4½)

Two weeks ago, Chargers general manager A.J. Smith called his team "soft," a statement that served as both a challenge and an accusation. In Monday night's 34-23 loss to AFC West rival Denver, San Diego did nothing to prove Smith wrong. The Broncos are still undefeated and the Chargers, at 2-3, face a steep, uphill climb to get back into the division race.

"Hey, somebody had to have the 'Norv' to call this team out," says Smith. "We were atrocious in all phases of the game, including special teams. They say lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place, but apparently Eddie Royal does.

"Anyway, there's no point crying over spilled milk now. Why? Because the Chargers are crying over another dairy product, ice cream, because they got 'soft-served' by the Broncos."

The 1-5 Chiefs are as hot as a 1-5 team can be after Indian-giving the Redskins a 14-6 loss that not only sent scalps flying, but will also likely send heads rolling in Washington. A win over the Chargers would likely have a similar effect in San Diego.

"Hey, we're used to the play in Kansas City getting Chiefs coaches fired," says Larry Johnson, "but now it's resulting in opposing coaches getting fired. I guess turnabout is fair play."

The Chargers troubles start with their lines — offensively, they're not protecting Philip Rivers. Defensively, there's no pressure on the opposing quarterback. The only person linebacker Shawne Merriman has roughed up this year is Tila Tequila. With their season fading fast, there's probably only one word Turner can say to encourage his team to play hard for the remainder of the year. That word? "Pride?" No, "wildcard."

San Diego wins, 23-19.

New England vs. Tampa Bay (+14)

Tom Brady threw 6 touchdown passes, one for each of Mike and Carol's six children, as the Patriots pounded the Titans, 59-0, to improve to 4-2 and take over first in the AFC East. Brady threw five of his TDs in the second quarter, breaking the NFL record for touchdown passes in a quarter.

"Call it a Brady 'bunch,'" says Brady. "I understand the Titans haven't won a game since beating the world champion Steelers in Week 16 last year. So, they went from stomping on towels to throwing in towels."

"As for running up the score, I resent those accusations. There's nothing safer than a 45-0 lead than a 52-0 lead, or a 59-0 lead. Besides, we now know what it takes to get Vince Young on the field — not his own talent, but a lack of it on the part of his teammates. Vince seems to be a shell of his former self. And speaking of 'shell,' did you know that if you hold Vince's helmet up to your ear, you can hear the ocean? That's with his head in it."

Three of Brady's touchdown scores went to Randy Moss, who looks forward to putting on a show for the fans at Wembley Stadium in London.

"I'm just a country boy from West Virginia," says Moss, "so the chance to travel overseas is a big deal. Shoot, there was a time in my life when 'international flavor' meant nothing more than a 40 of Olde English malt liquor. Football has opened so many doors for me. Now, 'international flavor' means downing a 40 of OE in England."

"But I plan to enjoy my time there, not only on the field, but off the field as well. There's so many blokes I'd like to meet, like Royal Albert Hall, the Duke And Duchess of Oven, England Dan and John Ford Coley, and Baron Davis."

Is Brady truly back to the impeccable form he showed before his knee injury? If he impregnates English model Kate Moss, he's definitely back. And can Raheem Morris hold his own against Bill Belichick? Maybe in a freestyle rap battle, but not on the sidelines in London.

New England wins, 32-13.

Green Bay @ Cleveland (+6½)

To keep pace with the 6-0 Vikings, the 3-2 Packers can't afford a letdown in Cleveland after last Sunday's 26-0 win over the Lions, especially with the division-leading Vikings and Brett Favre coming to Green Bay the following week.

"For the first time in nearly two years," says Aaron Rodgers, "Favre is able to say 'I can't wait to get back to Green Bay' and mean it. I'm sure it will be emotional for him as well as the fans. He'll be met with a mixture of cheers and boos in Lambeau, both of which, despite their different sounds, leave the same message: 'I wish Favre was still our quarterback.'"

"Now, as a member of the quarterback fraternity, I've got to support my brethren in Cleveland. I know Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn have had a rough go of it. In Anderson's case, he really doesn't have much to work with. That's not a knock on his receivers, that's a knock on his coach, Eric Mangini."

"As for Quinn, it's never good to hear your name associated with 'trade bait.' That's not fair to Quinn. The word 'bait' implies that another team actually wants him. I'm no angler, but I'd never bait my hook with an overrated Notre Dame quarterback. Okay, now I'm done."

In a perfect world, Quinn would be the Browns savior at quarterback, and Mangini would lead the people of the Dawg Pound to prosperity. And, visible from Cleveland Stadium, there'd be a huge mural of Mangini, fondly known as "Touchdown Man-Jesus." Sadly, though, there's very little that's good in Cleveland, much less perfect, although Joshua Cribbs comes close to perfection, and the Browns are receiving a lot of kickoffs.

Green Bay wins, 31-16.

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh (-4)

For the first time in his career, Brett Favre is 6-0 after a sterling 21-of-29, 278-yard, 3-touchdown day led the Vikes to a 33-31 win over the Ravens. Favre tossed two scores to tight end Visanthe Shiancoe, and Minnesota sweated out a late field goal miss by the Ravens that preserved the win.

"To anyone who said I wouldn't fit in with this team," says Favre, "I can only say this: 'You're all full of Shhhhhhhhhiancoe.' But no one can deny that this offense is running smoothly. I think I'm responsible. There were questions about how my new teammate would accept me. I think those questions have been answered. When I speak, Vikings listen, almost, but not quite as well they do to the guy calling 'strokes' aboard the SS Natch on a Lake Minnetonka cruise."

The Steelers could very well be undefeated if not for the uncharacteristic inaccuracies of kicker Jeff Reed, whose misses against the Bears cost the Steelers dearly. Reed was perfect in a 27-14 win over the Browns, but was arrested the following morning on charges including public intoxication and resisting arrest.

"It's not Reed's first brush with the law," says Mike Tomlin. "He's been in trouble with the police before, but this time, it's not the fashion police citing him for a wacked-out hairdo. No, it's much worse. Reed was outside a bar acting a fool, and he allegedly wanted to fight with police. Luckily, police diffused the situation by circling to their right, because any of Reed's punches were likely to miss wide left. Fortunately, Reed wasn't Tasered, which, ironically, is how he got that silly hairdo in the first place."

It's a rematch of Super Bowl IX, when the Steelers beat the Vikings, 16-6. That game featured Hall of Fame quarterbacks Terry Bradshaw and Fran Tarkenton, who both went on to successful television careers. As Favre's cameo in There's Something About Mary, and Ben Roethlisberger's turn as host of WWE's Monday Night Raw, displayed, Academy Awards are not in their future. But an epic battle at Heinz Field is.

Steelers win, 27-26.

San Francisco @ Houston (-3)

The 49ers, coming off a bye, have had an extra week to examine Week 5's 45-10 loss to the Falcons. Head coach Mike Singletary sternly reminded his team of the importance of not looking ahead, and focusing on the task at hand before savoring the benefits.

"It was our bye week," says Singletary, "but you could also call it a 'Bly' week. Dre has been the 'butt' of more jokes than Beyonce.

"I think Dre knows by now that he's best off not trying to imitate Deion Sanders on the field. Dre'd be better served imitating Deion off the field, of which the best way is to put on his Sunday's finest and conduct some questionable business with some shady NFL agents. Then have non-football fans guess whether you're a preacher or a pimp.

"As you know, Michael Crabtree will be starting at wide receiver. Some may think we're rushing him, but I think he's ready enough. I'd say he's about 90% prepared. Toss in 10% from a bail bondsman, and he's totally prepared to start."

The Texans are 3-3, and are one of those Forrest Gump "box of chocolates" teams, because you never know what you're going to get. One week, the Texans look great, as they did last week in a 28-17 win in Cincinnati. Another week, they'll look awful, as they did in a 24-7 loss to the Jets in Week 1. With the Colts not yet showing signs of a late-season swoon, it's imperative that the "good" Texans show up each Sunday.

"Hey, you're winsome," says Matt Schaub, "and you lose some. I know, watching us play is a lot like watching a tennis match. And, when Mario Williams accosts a diminutive Asian line judge, it's even more like watching a tennis match."

Houston wins, 24-20.

Buffalo @ Carolina (-7)

Despite wins by both the Bills and Panthers, last Sunday was not a particularly satisfying day for superstar wide receivers Terrell Owens and Steve Smith. Owens had only three catches for 13 yards in the Bills' 16-13 win over the jets, while Smith registered a single catch for 4 yards in Carolina 28-21 win over the Bucs.

"Hey, we're just glad to get out of Tampa with a win," says John Fox. "At this point, any win feels good. It may have been a game we were expected to win, but the Gatorade bath feels good just the same. Follow that with a bucket of cold water dumped on two Panther cheerleaders to separate their carnal embrace inside a sports bar bathroom stall, and our work in Tampa is done.

"I think Owens or Smith, or both, is due for a big game. The Bills investment in Owens really hasn't paid off. Talk about an 'overdue' Bill. That's another case of life imitating art. In The T.O. Show, nothing happened, either. As for Smith, I know he's discouraged, and it's crazy for him to say he's not an 'asset.' He is. For Christ's sake, with liabilities like Jake Delhomme, we've got to have assets like Smith just to reconcile our balance sheet."

Fox and his offensive coordinator should make it a point to get Smith the ball. If he's outplayed by the likes of T.O., Smith is likely to retreat into a shell, or worse, a trunk.

Although both Carolina, at 2-3, and Buffalo, 2-4, are in a "blue" state, the play-calling will still be "conservative." Risk-taking to Fox and Dick Jauron means little more than running a yellow light. The Bills have the NFL's worst rush defense, a fact which plays right into Fox's unimaginative game plan. But why "imagine" when you don't have to?

DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart combine for 201 yards on the ground, and Smith doesn't catch a TD pass, but he does throw one to Muhsin Muhammad.

Carolina wins, 22-17.

NY Jets @ Oakland (+7)

If the Jets were the "Flavor of the Month" in September, then their 0-3 record in October has certainly left a sour taste in their mouths. In a 16-13 overtime loss to the Bills, Mark Sanchez threw 5 interceptions, Kris Jenkins was lost for the year, and the Jets bungled the snap on the potential game-winning field goal.

"Those are the least of our worries," says Sanchez. "Right now, we're questioning ourselves. Questions like 'What happened?' 'How can we turn this streak around?' And 'How the heck did we beat the Patriots?' With a November 22nd date in New England looming, I think many of those 59 points the Pats dropped on the Titans were directed at us. Incidentally, 'Sanchise' merchandise is at a bargain basement price, just like my fantasy value."

The Raiders improved to 2-4, as they somehow found the wherewithal to stun the Eagles 13-9, a victory that is sure to give Raider fans enough hope to ride out the remainder of a 4-12 season. But you've got to give the organization credit. Just when it looked like they were ready to implode, they rebounded with a huge victory.

"It's funny how a fluky 86-yard touchdown pass from JaMarcus Russell to Zach Miller can temporarily mask the deficiencies of a troubled franchise," says former Raider Rich Gannon. "There, I said it. Al Davis' skills as an owner are atrocious, and Tom Cable gives new meaning to 'suspect' leadership. Until this team is overhauled from the top down, starting with a 'Davis-ectomy,' they can expect wins like these to be the highlight of their year."

With the Raiders holding a tenuous 16-13 lead late in the fourth quarter with the Jets driving, satellite transmission of the game is interrupted by an unexpected showing of "Heidi Ho: Swiss Miss," the sequel to the adult feature "Heidi Ho: Mount Often," which chronicled the sexual exploits of a promiscuous Swiss orphan. Oddly enough, complaints to the network are limited.

Thomas Jones scores late to give the Jets a 20-16 win.

Atlanta @ Dallas (-3)

A week after playing in the spotlight of NBC's Sunday night game, Matt Ryan and the hot Falcons face something even more daunting — playing under the massive video board above the playing field in Dallas Stadium. While the Cowboys themselves don't necessarily intimidate, the video screen casts a long shadow, much like the five Lombardi Trophies do on the legacy of Tony Romo.

"There is no doubt a lot of history with the Cowboys," says Ryan. "The Cowboy franchise is the most-valued in the league, and the Dallas 'star' is emblematic of excellence in the NFL. That's why a win at Dallas would mean so much to me. It would be a defining victory, as well as a 'brand' spanking."

The Cowboys bye week has already been a success, what with the three NFC East counterparts all losing. Dallas in 3-2, tied with the Eagles for second and trailing the Giants by a game.

"See, good things are just as likely to happen to us when we don't play than when we do," says Jerry Jones. "I guess I have to credit that to coach Wade Phillips. That's why I'll use this opportunity to reiterate that Phillips' job is safe for this year. Only in Dallas does the owner feel compelled to address the coach's future after a win."

Dallas victories are a lot like Travis Henry's children — you have to question their legitimacy. Tampa Bay, Carolina, and Kansas City are a combined 3-14, and they were all winless when the Cowboys beat them.

Atlanta wins, 30-23.

New Orleans @ Miami (+7)

Who do you think is most excited about the Saints impressive 5-0 start? Why, those persnickety curmudgeons representing the 1972 Dolphins 17-0 team, whose feeble hearts always seem to race when a team blasts out of the gate in undefeated style. Once again, the Dolphins have a chance to pin a loss on an undefeated team, thereby giving those '72 Dolphins not only a reason to drink, but a reason to live.

"It's hard to believe anyone would wish ill will upon the NFL's reigning 'Man of the Year,'" says Drew Brees, "but those '72 Dolphins have it out for me. Their lack of shame is matched only by their lack of continence."

After an 0-3 start, the Dolphins have won two in a row, and now trail the AFC East-leading Patriots by a single game in the loss column. After a bye week, you can expect a rested Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to give the Saints several looks at the 'wildcat' formation.

"Hey, despite the 1972 Dolphins selfish attitudes," says Williams, "I like what this organization represents. Nothing indicates a commitment to winning more than having Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas owning a piece of the team. We're 'Fergalicious.' Dolphins ownership are a diversified bunch. There's Jimmy Buffett, Gloria Estefan, Crockett and Tubbs, and Venus and Serena Williams, to name a few. It's an ownership group I'm fond of calling a 'universal joint.'"

Can the Dolphins make "champagne" toast of the Saints? Maybe for a quarter. But the New Orleans offense can't be stopped entirely. Brees throws for 3 scores and the Saints defense forces 3 turnovers.

New Orleans wins, 37-20.

Chicago @ Cincinnati (-3)

Will the real Cincinnati Bengals please stand up, please stand up, please stand up, or at least post something on Twitter informing us of which Bengals team will appear this Sunday?

"No can do," says Chad Ochocinco. "Too busy good-naturedly taunting Jay Cutler and other Bears via Twitter, on which I communicate so much, I'm thinking of legally changing my first name to Ch@d. I've taken trash talk to a new level, and from here on out, I want to be known as the 'Twitt-ness For the Persecution."

Cutler bowed out of the war of words with Ochocinco, but soon after, inexplicably developed a disdain for Cincinnati linebacker Keith Rivers.

"Anyone named 'Rivers' is an enemy," says Cutler, "and that includes 'Old Man,' Joan, and the lead singer of Weezer. As for my new contract extension, I think it shows that I'm happy in Chicago as I was miserable in Denver. And the Bears are pleased to have the right to a Bear arm for two more years, at least. I may have burned some bridges, but I think everyone in Denver is glad to see me prosper in Chicago, especially Kyle Orton."

Cincinnati wins, 27-25.

Arizona @ NY Giants (-7)

The Giants strutted into the Superdome as the NFL's top-ranked defense, but left with their tails between their legs and their heads not far behind. Redemption will come in the form of defeating the Cardinals, who, like the Saints, sport a high-powered passing attack.

"Sure, it was a long flight home from New Orleans," says Tom Coughlin. "One that left plenty of time for reflection. That's why I told all my guys that they need to take a look in the mirror if their looking for someone to blame for our loss."

"But this league is all about transformation. New Orleans exposed a weakness in our passing defense. We'll need to correct that. I have the all the confidence in the world that we can change. Heck, if Lawrence Taylor can go from one of the most feared defenders in the NFL to a dieting, dancing pansy, then we can surely follow his lead. I didn't even know L.T. had an eating issue. I guess inhaling food wasn't his only problem."

The Cardinals have won two straight to move in to a tie with the 49ers in the NFC West. Larry Fitzgerald tied a career high with 13 receptions, including a 2-yard touchdown pass from Kurt Warner.

"That's called our 'jump ball' play," says Warner. "When I say 'jump,' I expect Larry to say 'how high.' He hates when I do that. When he replies 'Bag it,' he quickly puts me in my place."

"We'd have much rather played the Giants after a New York win as opposed to a blowout loss. I don't like the Giants when they're angry, and they don't like Tom Coughlin when he's angry, or otherwise."

New York rebounds with a 27-24 win.

Philadelphia @ Washington (+6½)

So Jim Zorn has been stripped of his play-calling duties by general manager Vinnie Cerrato? This went down just a week after players urged Redskins owner Daniel Snyder to "endorse" Zorn as head coach.

"If you knew Dan Snyder like I do," says Cerrato, "you'd know that he's only good at endorsing one thing, and that's checks. Now, Zorn and his players will be on the same page — Zorn's given up play-calling duties; the players have just 'given up.'"

"We've got Sherman Lewis calling our plays now. Unfortunately, we still have the same players running them."

The attitude in Philadelphia is much better, although last Sunday's 13-9 loss to the Raiders wasn't exactly an "endorsement" of the Eagles legitimacy as a Super Bowl contender.

"Sometimes, Donovan McNabb's play does to others what it often does to him," says Andy Reid. "It induces vomiting. After Donovan's performance, I think Rush Limbaugh should take another crack at that Rams ownership."

"I know Michael Vick's wants badly to start. A few more performances like McNabb's latest, and Vick may get his chance. Vick's worked hard in practice and has paid his dues. Plus, he's been 'doing' time, so it's only natural that he wants 'playing' time."

Philadelphia wins, 27-12.