Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson won his second straight race, and sixth this year, with a commanding performance in Charlotte. He led for 92 laps, including the final 13, as he pulled away for a two-second victory over Matt Kenseth. Johnson holds a 90-point lead over Mark Martin, and 135 over Jeff Gordon, with his fourth-straight Sprint Cup title nearly in the bag.
"It's all over except for the driving," Johnson said, "and crying. With my fourth Cup title nearly inevitable, I've become the true 'measuring stick' of greatness in this sport. But just to keep it simple, I'd like to be known as the 'ruler.'"
2. Mark Martin — Martin bumped Juan Montoya on a restart 125 laps into the Banking 500, and both sustained damage that ruined their nights and severely hindered, if not altogether ended, their chances for the Cup. Martin dealt with a hole in the No. 5 Chevrolet's grill and finished 17th, which dropped him from 12 points down to Jimmie Johnson to 90.
"I hope Montoya knows that it wasn't my fault," Martin said. "If he wants a scapegoat, he need look no further than Jeff Gordon. He's the slow poke that's responsible for my 'slow poke.'"
"Juan's a first-timer in the Chase. He'll learn that not everything works in your favor, unless you're Jimmie Johnson. In 10 races, you've got to expect some bad luck. After all, it's a night race in October — there will be some things that go 'bump' in the night."
3. Jeff Gordon — Gordon posted yet another top-five finish, his third consecutive, but it made very little difference, as Jimmie Johnson's dominance rendered all other results moot. Gordon finished fourth and moved up two places in the points to third, but trails Johnson by 135.
"Hey, why is everyone getting so bent out of shape about my ability to bring the field to green?" Gordon said.
"Anyway, I'd like to apologize to everyone for my slow restart that caused so much havoc. Keep in mind, though, that I'm not apologizing for wrecking you, I'm apologizing for not wrecking Jimmie Johnson. That seems to be the only way to make up ground on Jimmie. But Jimmie, of course, avoided danger. It's amazing. He always seems to be in the right place at the right time. Which just happens to be Victory Circle immediately following the checkered flag."
4. Tony Stewart — Stewart battled handling issues all night in Charlotte before grinding out a hard-earned 13th-place finish in the Banking 500. He remained fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 155.
"As the winner of May's All-Star race," Stewart said, "we really came to Charlotte with a lot of confidence. But, like others, we left with less confidence, while others left with confi-dents.
"But I still feel like I have a chance. If you don't believe my conviction when I say that, I'll gladly strap myself to a lie detector and prove you right."
5. Juan Montoya — On an early restart, Montoya was rear-ended by Mark Martin, as the pack backed up when Jeff Gordon brought the field slowly to the green. Montoya's rear quarter panel was damaged, causing major aerodynamic problems, and he limped to a 35th-place finish. Montoya now trails Johnson by 195 in the point standings after entering Charlotte facing only a 58-point deficit.
"I'm not sure what Gordon was trying to accomplish on that restart," says Montoya. "Was he trying to put the rest of us to sleep? Well, it worked. He made my bed. Now I have to sleep in it."
6. Kasey Kahne — Kahne led 67 laps in Charlotte, and held the lead when the cars pitted for the last time. He restarted third behind Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon but lacked the speed to challenge Johnson at the end. Kahne's third-place was his sixth top-five finish of the year, and he is now ninth in the points, 331 out of first.
"As a victim of mechanical issues in a previous race," Kahne said, "I can definitely relate to what Mark Martin and Juan Montoya are going through. That same accident on the street would have simply resulted in an exchange of insurance numbers. On a NASCAR track, it resulted in the downfall of Jimmie Johnson's two closest pursuers."
"I feel especially bad for Martin. It seems second place is his destiny. Therefore, his demise in Charlotte gives this track the nickname of 'Lowe's Martyr Speedway.'"
7. Kurt Busch — Busch finished 10th in Charlotte, a respectable finish but one that didn't get him any nearer to points leader Jimmie Johnson. Busch moved up one spot in the points to fifth, and trails Johnson by 177.
"Look, we may trail Johnson by an insurmountable amount," Busch said, "but we'll keep plugging away until mathematical elimination is official. However, it seems that it really doesn't matter who 'does the math,' the consensus solution to the equation is a Jimmie Johnson championship."
8. Denny Hamlin — After leading 54 laps early, Hamlin's No. 11 Fed Ex Toyota dropped a valve just past the midway point in the Banking 500 in Charlotte. With his engine crippled, Hamlin parked his car, and his eventual 40th-place finish shattered any hopes of the Sprint Cup. He now trails Jimmie Johnson by 372 points.
"We fumbled once again," Hamlin said. "My engine dropped a valve in Charlotte, whereas last week in California, I dropped the 'ball.'"
9. Greg Biffle — Biffle survived a late spin through the grass in Charlotte to post a 16th, a result that maintained his position of seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings. He trails Jimmie Johnson by 268.
"Sure, it looks like Jimmie Johnson has the Cup wrapped up," Biffle said, "but frankly, I'm tired of answering questions concerning Johnson's dominance. Like 'Who's your daddy?' Ironically, that's similar to the question I found myself asking after a controversial race a few weeks ago: 'You're whose daddy?'"
10. Ryan Newman — Newman finished 11th in the Banking 500, just missing his 15th top-10 of the year. He moved up two spots in the point standings to eighth, 288 behind Johnson.
"As you probably noticed," Newman said, "I was driving the No. 39 Chevrolet with the special Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen paint scheme promoting the DVD release of the movie. Like the Transformers, Jimmie Johnson operates with robotic precision. And the 'Fallen?' Well, that would be the other 11 drivers in the Chase."
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