Why the NFL Needs Rush Limbaugh

At UFC 100, Brock Lesnar became the UFC's undisputed heavyweight champion and responded by frantically engaging in the most vilifying actions he could think of. In a fit of pure adrenaline and relying on the theatrics he picked up in Vince McMahon's fantasy sports entertainment world, Lesnar began flipping off the crowd, tore the mic away from Joe Rogan to blast the sponsors, and mocked his opponent.

Lesnar later admitted he went overboard in trying to embrace that heel role after UFC head Dana White had a conversation with him. White said he told Lesnar he didn't have to be the bad guy and, to a degree, he's right. Lesnar doesn't have to be the bad guy because his reputation in mixed martial arts isn't cemented yet. He can be whatever he wants to be. But that doesn't mean sports doesn't have a need for heels. And that's exactly why Rush Limbaugh should be allowed to buy an NFL team.

Everyone understands the arguments against Rush Limbaugh, but no one articulates them quite like Lawrence Donegan from the Guardian, an UK outlet. For proof, check out his sweet burns here.

"Those contemplating emigration or yet another swim in the pool of British national self-loathing should know there are many benefits to living in this country, one of which is the lack of regular exposure to American radio talk show hosts."

Burn — right out of the gate. Hey, wait, I used to be an American radio talk show host ... please, sir, do inform me about the ills of American radio.

"Suffice to say they are a wicked crew, given to the same level of self-doubt and basic decency as a fox in a chicken coup. Socrates would never have made it on American radio, not because he didn't speak the Queen's English, but because he was capable of extending the public expression of a cogent thought beyond a nano-second."

Nailed it, British guy. Nailed it.

Ironically — or perhaps not — Limbaugh is also the most revered radio host in the States. Right-wing politicians love him because his ceaseless fear-mongering about the alleged perils of liberalism has helped them into office. Right-wing lonely hearts in middle America, whose only friends in the world are their gun and their sense of patriotism, love him too because he speaks directly to their twisted souls."

Eat it, right-wingers. This British guy just gave you the literary version of a bitch slap. He played the role of "crazed fan at a book-signing" while the right-wingers played the role of "Leona Lews" (hey, look at me, I'm current with my pop-culture references!).

Winston Churchill goes on to talk about Limbaugh's airing of "Barack the Magic Negro" and to rip Limbaugh for his disdain for anyone of African-American descent. He talks about his remarks on ESPN several years back and, well, you get the picture. Rush Limbaugh is like Marge Schott, except he's also an asshole. But this is precisely why the NFL needs him.

We need villains. Without Darth Vader, Star Wars is a boring movie about an old man in robes who spends too much time with a confused young boy going through puberty (insert your Catholic Church jokes here, and then teleport us all back to 2004 when they would be fresh). Without Goliath, David is just a kid throwing rocks at nothing. He probably would've been diagnosed with Autism and been sold into slavery or something (Biblical people weren't very tolerant of stuff like that — it makes me sad, too).

The sports world needs villains. Everyone can come together over their hatred of the New York Yankees. They are the haves, while the rest of America is the have-nots. The Yankees buy the best team and used to buy championships and everyone else can hate them for it. It's fun. But having Rush Limbaugh own a team in the NFL? That would be Yankees-level hate x1000.

Is there anyone alive that wouldn't like to see an arrogant, ignorant, rich white man get his comeuppance? The only people that don't hate rich white guys are ... rich white guys. In the eyes of America, Limbaugh would embody everything that's wrong with life.

To the recently laid-off American, Limbaugh is one of the fat cats in the world that put us into this situation we're in now. To the black American, Limbaugh is a symbol of the racism and ignorance that still exists today, or he's a symbol of "The Man" that everyone keeps talking about. For the liberal eternal college student that doesn't even care about football, Limbaugh is the reason why the rest of the world hates us. To the crazy schizophrenic man, Limbaugh is the guy that keeps stealing his shoes at night and replacing them with pencil cases and empty Kleenex boxes instead.

And everyone would tune in to watch his team get destroyed on Sundays. Limbaugh could really play up the villain role, too. He could change the name of his team to "White Power" and make his jerseys white unis with white pants. Since no African-American players would ever suit up for a Limbaugh-owned team, he could fill out his roster with able-bodied skinheads, thus putting their addiction to methamphetamines off by a few years. This would guarantee that his team would get destroyed every week. And he could hire Jon Gosselin as GM, just to up the douchebagginess of the franchise. At Gosselin's insistence, the team's jerseys would actually be Ed Hardy t-shirts.

It would be like watching football's version of the Harlem Globetrotters, if only the Washington Generals were a bunch of white supremacists and owned by a real-life, radio-version of Montgomery Burns. Everyone would enjoy watching that game and would feel better about the world, if only for a few hours.