Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
St. Louis @ Jacksonville (-10)
Just when it appeared the Jaguars had turned their season around with two consecutive wins, they were humiliated 41-0 in Seattle, registering only 199 total yards.
"I hate to use the Lord's name in vain," says Jack Del Rio. "But we were God-awful in Seattle. I don't think I've ever uttered the phrase 'What the hell?!' so many times. But I'll be damned if I could tell you what happened to my team. Maybe it was the shock at seeing a captive audience. Qwest Field was packed. And speaking of a 'captive audience,' that may be the only way we can fill the house at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium — by the use of captivity."
For the Rams, much of the attention from their 0-5 start has been deflected by the news that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, along with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts, is seeking to bid on Rams ownership. The Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have chimed in on the matter, and sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell criticizing Limbaugh. And at least seven NFL players have publicly announced their opposition to Limbaugh's potential stake in the franchise
"Seven players that have refused to play for Limbaugh?" asks Steve Spagnuolo. "He's lucky. I've got about 55 that have refused to play for me."
"However, there hasn't been much opposition to Limbaugh in this locker room. I think the only real reaction came from linebacker James Laurinaitis, the offspring of one-half of legendary professional wrestling tag team the Road Warriors, who quizzically stated 'What, a Rush?' when he heard of Limbaugh's intentions."
"But do we really need a Limbaugh/Sharpton/Jackson sideshow distracting this team? Of course we do. We need help scoring. And, considering Limbaugh's past comments concerning Donovan McNabb, I think Rush would make a great 'offensive' coordinator. Now, it wouldn't be in Rush's best interests to question Sharpton's and Jackson's involvement by wondering aloud whether the two are 'brothers-up-in-arms.'"
The Jaguars are an enigma. Will the team that beat the Titans and Texans make a cameo, or will the team that laid an egg in Seattle make another unwanted appearance? Just like with their fans, it's all a matter of who shows up.
It's a Jaguar home game. They don't play the "Star Spangled Banner" beforehand; they play the Scorpions' "Blackout."
Jacksonville wins, 23-20.
Kansas City @ Washington (-6½)
It's no surprise that Indian advocacy groups will be up in arms over the Chiefs-Redskins contest. It's bad enough that these two teams are represented by Indian mascots and logos; what makes it intolerable is their current places in the standings — the Chiefs and Redskins are last in their respective divisions.
"I can absolutely understand where Native Americans are coming from on this issue," says Jim Zorn. "Do Indians want to be represented by incompetent teams? Of course not. That's like NFL coaches being represented by me."
"But I can't deny Indians their Constitutional right to protest. It's their prerogative. However, I think they should have opted for a nobler, and less ironic, form of protest than TP'ing FedEx Field."
It's arguable, but the Chiefs may be the best 0-5 team in the NFL. In their favor, they took the Ravens and the Cowboys to the limit before losing. On the negative side, they took the Cowboys to the limit before losing. And they lost to the Raiders.
"The Chiefs losing to the Raiders?" says Todd Haley. "Not only is that embarrassing to Indians, it's an affront to human beings."
"Anyway, I expect ineptitude in this game to be just as widespread as Indian imagery. Already, I hear that Zorn cleanses his hair with 'Scalp-A-Skin' shampoo. And I hear that the Clinton Portis/Mike Sellars feud was mediated with a peace pipe by none other than Nobel Peace Prize winner Barrack Obama."
Washington wins, 19-17.
Houston @ Cincinnati (-4)
After another dramatic win, this time over the Ravens, the Bengals are in sole possession of the AFC North lead. Carson Palmer's 20-yard touchdown pass to Andre Caldwell with 22 seconds left gave Cincy a 17-14 win in Baltimore, improving their division record to a perfect 3-0. The Bengals host the 2-3 Texans, who are struggling to keep pace in the AFC South.
"After three straight wins over division opponents," says Chad Ochocinco, "we're extremely confident, but not overconfident. Overconfidence would be telling a rival to his face what I'm going to do. Simple confidence is Twittering that same trash talk."
"But just because the Texans aren't a division rival doesn't me they'll escape the mouth of Ochocinco. All I've got to say is the Houston defensive backfield should beware, because I'm a 'registered Tex' offender.'"
To upset the Bengals, the Texans will need big games from their trio of offensive stars, Matt Schaub, Steve Slayton, and Andre Johnson.
"I limit my talk to the field of play," says Johnson, "whereas Ochocinco does his nearly everywhere. The cat must be a ventriloquist, because I've heard him talk out his ass on several occasions."
The Bengals are longer the all offense-no defense team of old; they are a team built to play in the harsh weather of January. Of course, that's assuming they choose to play in November and December.
Cedric Benson rushes for 136 yards against a weak Texans rush defense, and the Bengals sack Matt Schaub 4 times.
Cincinnati wins, 27-17.
Baltimore @ Minnesota (-3)
With the AFC North lead on the line, the Ravens lost to the Bengals last week, felled once again by penalties that kept alive Cincy's game-winning drive. Two weeks ago, some questionable calls in New England killed the Ravens chances; this time, the calls weren't as controversial, but were as equally devastating.
"Was it worth the penalty to know Ochocinco's block off?" says Ray Lewis. "I guess not. He was able to put it back on."
"But you've got to hand it to the Bengals. They've got a knack for winning games late, as well as a knack, like the Patriots, for winning games by virtue of penalties. It's no surprise then that those Cincinnati 'drama queens' wear skirts."
The Vikings are 5-0 for the first time in six years, led by Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson on offense and one of the league's best defensive front fours on defense.
"Baltimore's defense may get all the press," says Jared Allen, "but we lead the league in sacks. I like to say we're 'number one with a mullet.'"
"Myself, I lead the NFC in sacks with 6.5. That should be no surprise, seeing as I've got the tackle duo of Kevin and Pat Williams drawing double teams, which frees me to beat slow and goofy tackles for the sacks. Kevin and Pat are beasts, and probably the most talented defensive tackles in the league. Pat's got so much talent, it's spilling over his waistband. I'm lucky to be his teammate. Were I not, I don't think I'd be half as successful. In other words, it would be a case of 'no guts, no glory.'"
There won't be much room near the line of scrimmage on Sunday in the Metrodome. So the outcome is likely to hinge on the quarterbacks, particularly their decision-making skills. And everyone, including Joe Flacco, has an edge on Brett Favre in that respect.
Baltimore wins, 25-23.
Detroit @ Green Bay (-11)
The 2-2 Packers look to get back in the win column after an off week to digest their 30-23 loss to the Vikings two weeks ago. What was most unpalatable about that defeat was the eight sacks given up by the Packers offensive line.
"My offensive line has more holes than Brett Favre's reasoning explaining a retirement/comeback," says Aaron Rodgers. "But I'm not one to complain. Besides, in the 1.3 seconds I have to decide whether to throw or take a sack, I really don't have time to complain."
In addition to a winless road record, the Lions have injury issues at their most crucial positions. Rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford is dealing with a knee injury suffered in Chicago, while wide receiver Calvin Johnson injured his right knee last Sunday in the Lions' 28-20 loss to Pittsburgh.
"If you look at this team's history," says Jim Schwartz, "you'll see that Detroit quarterbacks, despite their troubles at the position, were brave enough to play injured. For example, just look at Joey Harrington in 2004. He played Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto 1 with a dislocated pinkie. I expect to see that same kind of toughness out of Stafford."
Expect Stafford to play. After all, this is a homecoming of sorts for him. The Packers have 'G's' on their helmets just like at Georgia. But Detroit's injury issues, along with a Packers team rested from a bye week, give Green Bay a sizeable edge.
Stafford shows his heart by playing hurt, and displays his youthful exuberance when he executes a new trick play in the Lion playbook, the "Statue of Puberty" play, which results in a touchdown.
Green Bay wins, 31-17.
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh (-13½)
If you're wondering what an "ugly win" looks like, look no further that the Browns 6-3 win in Buffalo last week, a game won despite a horrid passing day from Derek Anderson, who went 2-for-17 for 23 yards and 1 interception.
"Apparently, Derek is still throwing to Braylon Edwards," says Eric Mangini. "Now, in Derek's defense, it seemed our receivers were still catching with Braylon Edwards' hands."
"What's most remarkable about our quarterback situation? The fact that I had enough confidence in Derek to leave him in there? Or the fact that I had I lacked the confidence in Brady Quinn not to put him in? The fact is, I'm not too fond of him, either. As I like to say in regards to our quarterbacks — 'It's 'nothing' personnel.'"
Troy Polamalu is expected to return against the Browns after missing four games with a knee injury. That should help improve a pass defense that gave up 282 yards in the air to Daunte Culpepper. It should also make defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau's evil schemes more diabolical, as Polamalu is often used in a variety of roles in LeBeau's blitz packages.
"I feel with Troy in the game," says LeBeau, "I can 'let my hair down' as a coordinator. What's that? You didn't ask about my hair? You asked with your eyes, friend. You asked with your eyes."
LeBeau goes "Rapunzel" on the Browns and Derek Anderson, unleashing a merciless blitz on the struggling quarterback. Polamalu grabs an interception, and Ben Roethlisberger throws for 249 yards and 2 TD scores.
Cleveland ca-Pitt-ulates; Pittsburgh wins, 27-6.
Carolina @ Tampa Bay (+3)
In a battle of NFC South cellar-dwellers, the Panthers travel to Tampa to face the winless Buccaneers. Carolina recorded their first win of the season, beating Washington 20-17 in a game marked both by a gutsy, 10-yard run by Jake Delhomme to preserve the win, and by the return of Julius Peppers. After a slow start to the year, Peppers logged two sacks against the Redskins.
"You've probably heard that I had a little talk with Julius," says linebacker John Beason. "There were no accusations and no criticisms. I just asked Julius one question: 'Do you know the difference in making money and earning money?' That seemed to get his attention. How do I know? Because he hit me harder than he's hit anyone all year."
If there's a silver lining in Tampa's fortunes, it's that second-year quarterback Josh Johnson is gaining valuable experience and playing time. Although he's struggled often, he's formed a swell connection with tight end Kellen Winslow. Johnson and Winslow connected for two touchdowns in the Bucs' 33-14 loss to Philadelphia last week.
"We're pleased with Josh's progress," says Raheem Morris. "He's really made the most of his 'Winslow' of opportunity. But 0-5 is not where we intended to be right now. But we've got no one to blame but ourselves. There will be no finger-pointing. There will be no blame tossed around. There will be no excuses. The last thing we want to be known as are 'but' pirates."
"Now, we fully expect the Panthers to 'bring it' when they face Johnson. But I'm no prude. I also hope the Panthers bring their cheerleaders, who, inevitably, while in Tampa, seem to end up in a sports bar performing cunning stunts in a bathroom stall."
Was the Panthers win over the Redskins that impressive? Don't forget, the Panthers trailed at one point 17-2, and probably wouldn't have won if not for a bonehead special teams error by Washington. Tampa Bay ran fairly effectively against the Eagles before falling behind and abandoning the run. They'll be able to stick with the run, and will hang in until the end.
Tampa wins, 16-14.
NY Giants @ New Orleans (-3)
With a win over the Giants on Sunday, the undefeated Saints will complete the "New York sweep," already having beaten the Jets in Week 4. A win won't come easy against the 5-0 Giants, who, like the Saints, boast a potent offense backed by a solid defense.
"It's not often you mention 'defense' in the same breath with 'offense' in New Orleans," says Sean Payton. "Our guys are disciplined and physical. I haven't seen this much hard-hitting action in the Bayou since the Waterboy terrorized opponents of the University of Louisiana Cougars. I've yet to see a dropkick tackle, but the season is still young."
"Anyway, when you couple our physicality on defense with the opposing quarterbacks throwing directly to Darren Sharper, we're pretty hard to beat. Darren's the 'Larry Brown' of the regular season."
New York may present the Saints stiffest test so far, as the Giants are just as lethal offensively as they are defensively. The defense will keep the G-Men in the game; it will be up to Eli Manning to win it for them.
"This foot injury won't keep me out of this game," says Manning, "although I'll probably have to play 30 more minutes than I did in the Raider game. There's really not much that can be done to treat my foot condition, plantar fasciitis. Massage is the only remedy. Luckily, some of my teammates who frequent 'underground' parlors have introduced me to some of their more nimble-fingered artists. These 'support' ho's have really made my foot feel better."
Does the Saints bye week give them much of an advantage over the Giants? Not really. The G-Men had a bye week, as well — they played the Raiders.
New York wins, 33-30.
Arizona @ Seattle (-3)
After missing three games with a rib injury, Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck's return to the lineup energized the Seahawks in a 41-0 pasting of the visiting Jaguars. Hasselbeck threw for 241 yards and 4 touchdowns as Seattle improved to 2-3, one game out of the NFC West lead.
"It's never easy playing with pain," says Hasselbeck, "unless you're involved in some weird, sadomasochistic ritual. But enough about Marv Albert. I've had a number of teammates and coaches alike needling me to suck it up and play. It wasn't until I was 'needled' by a doctor that I really felt like playing."
Like the Seahawks, the Cardinals are 2-3 and eager to forge a tie with the idle 49ers in the West. To do so, Arizona will need a complete game from their offense, which dropped 21 first-half points on the Texans last week, then did nothing else.
"That game rekindled some fond memories," says Kurt Warner. "I remember bagging groceries during 'half-off' sales. I'm not sure we've had a 'complete game' all year, which puts us about even with the Diamondbacks."
Seattle wins, 27-21.
Philadelphia @ Oakland (+13)
Sure, Donovan McNabb is back for the Eagles, and Michael Vick will be the subject of a documentary airing on BET in 2010, but those stories pale in comparison to the sagas surrounding the 1-4 Oakland Raiders, a franchise bordering on implosion. With evidence mounting, Tom Cable may be charged with assault soon, as could quarterback JaMarcus Russell, for assault on the senses.
"That team is a mess," says Donovan McNabb. "If I were a Raider, there is no doubt that I would vomit on that field, not from exhaustion, but just for spite."
"As felons go, Tom Cable is probably the best coach in the league. Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate that he went all John Chaney on assistant coach Randy Hanson, threatening to kill him. I hear that coaches now have resorted to wearing headgear to meetings. I'm not sure I could play for a coach like that. Andy Reid can be intimidating, but only with his intellect. Sure, Coach Reid is comparable in size to Cable, but Andy brings a lot more to the table. 'Battery' not included.'"
Does Russell have the talent to quarterback in the NFL? Does he have the talent to succeed at elementary school dodge ball? Who knows? But he's obviously not making progress in Oakland, and Al Davis seems blindly intent on making the Raiders' drafting of Russell look like a wise one. But Russell's chances of realizing his potential more than likely lie with another team. So, JaMarcus, if you're reading, get out of Oakland. Even if that requires you to defect to Cuba.
Have you heard? McNabb is now a spokesman for the International House of Pancakes, and this game will be quite similar to the way McNabb likes his eggs.
"Over easy."
The Raiders put a field goal on the board first, but the Eagles then score 24 unanswered points. McNabb throws for 226 yards and 2 scores, and the Eagles defense forces three Russell turnovers. Cable is later charged with assault, while Davis is ticketed for "Al-feasance" and contributing to the delinquency of a franchise.
Philadelphia wins, 33-9.
Buffalo @ NY Jets (-10)
In an AFC East showdown, the Jets host the struggling Bills, who managed only three points in a 6-3 home loss to Cleveland last week. It was a performance that left many shaking their heads, including Bills owner Ralph Wilson, when asked by Dick Jauron if there's any chance he'd return as head coach next year.
"For now, though," says Wilson, "I'm standing firmly behind Dick. Which, by golly, is a position in which I'd much rather be than having Dick behind me."
Good point, Ralph. Rumor has it that Wilson is already considering options for a new coach in 2010. Candidates include Buffalo head coach Lindy Ruff, Goo Goo Dolls lead singer Johnny Rzeznik, and Don Criqui. What do they all have in common? They're more qualified to coach than Jauron.
Despite a Monday night loss in Miami, the Jets were impressed with new addition Braylon Edwards, who not only made a splash, he also made a catch. Five, in fact, for 64 yards and a touchdown.
"Apparently," says Rex Ryan, "Braylon left all his baggage in Cleveland, including his old hands."
Ryan was none too pleased with the Jets defensive effort against the Dolphins. Expect that to be corrected against the Bills, whose simple-minded offensive playbook has nary a play utilizing a "wildcat" formation, or any mammalian formation for that matter.
Cornerback Darrelle Revis makes up for a sloppy day against the Dolphins by limiting Terrell Owens to 2 catches for 21 yards.
New York wins, 27-10.
Tennessee @ New England (-9)
The 0-5 Titans couldn't even score a touchdown last week against the Colts, while the Patriots were just as bad in the second half in mile-high Denver last week, as Tom Brady and the vaunted New England offense couldn't even put a point on the board. For two teams that many predicted to challenge atop the AFC, there are many doubts afloat about each, despite their disparate records.
"Hey, what do Tom Brady and Vince Young have in common?" says Jeff Fisher. "Neither wants to quarterback the Titans."
"Now, as the co-chairman of the league's competition committee, I'll make sure we take a look at the rules protecting quarterbacks and re-train our officials if necessary. As the NBA lockout has shown, NBA referees are looking out for number one. Recent incidents have indicated that NFL officials may be looking out for No. 12."
"Incidentally, Brady and Giselle Bundchen are considering names for their child. If it's a girl, I'm told that Brady wants to name her either 'Prima Donna' or 'Bridget Moynahan.'"
In New England, Bill Belichick wants more from his defense, especially after the Patriots defense allowed the Broncos to effortlessly move for the game-tying and game-winning scores last Sunday. To assist with that endeavor, the Patriots have signed linebacker Junior Seau.
"Junior can do a lot for this team," says Belichick. "He's got a wealth of experience and leadership, but I think his most likely contribution will be raising the average age of this team by at least a year."
So, Belichick wants to see more out of his defense? Well, I'm guessing the defense wants to see more out of the offense. That means you, Tom Brady. And you, Randy Moss. If mooning fans, squirting officials, and leaving the field early will help you produce more, then by all means, do those things.
New England wins, 29-27.
Chicago @ Atlanta (-3½)
The Falcons impressive 45-10 win in San Francisco sent a message to the league that Atlanta is as good, if not better, than last year's playoff team. Now, the Falcons find themselves in the shoes of the 49ers, hosting a hot team coming off a bye week.
"It was like the 49ers weren't expecting us," says Mike Smith. "I think Dre Bly would know exactly what I'm talking about."
"We won't fall into that same trap. You won't see us rest on our laurels, or look past an opponent, or celebrate a touchdown 70 yards before crossing the goal line. But only because the Raiders aren't on our schedule."
The 3-1 Bears are vying to keep pace with the Vikings, and by game time Sunday night, they'll know whether they can gain ground on the Vikes with a win. After a dismal start to the season, Jay Cutler has been superb, passing for 7 touchdowns with only 1 interception. But could he be even better with Terrell Owens in a Bear uniform?
"I'm not sure I'd want to take the chance on T.O. upsetting this team's chemistry," says Cutler. "Besides, we'd really have to grease his palms to get him here, and that would only exacerbate the difficulty Owens already has catching the ball."
Atlanta wins, 30-24.
Denver @ San Diego (-3½)
Very few people expected the Broncos to be 5-0, but Josh McDaniels has certainly quieted any doubters who dare criticize Denver now. Last week at home, the Broncos shut out the Patriots in the second half, erasing a 17-7 deficit on their way to a 20-17 triumph in overtime.
"Hey, there's nothing more satisfying than being locked in an embrace with Bill Belichick," says McDaniels. "Especially as a winner, assuming the embrace stays vertical."
"I'm particularly proud of the way our defense totally shut down the Patriots in the second half. Mike Nolan has really brought attitude to a defense than languished without an identity last year. They really got after Brady and the Pats. You could see that the Patriots offense was suffering from altitude 'sic'-ness."
For Philip Rivers, it's easy to get pumped up for a Monday night game against his most hated AFC West rivals, but that excitement is tempered by a bit of disappointment.
"What on earth am I to do against the Broncos," says Rivers, "with no Jay Cutler to childishly taunt? But really, who needs Bronco players when our own general manager, A.J. Smith, can fire us up just as well. Smith didn't name names, but he questioned the effort of some, saying they were 'soft.' That wasn't accepted too well in the locker room, particularly by Shawne Merriman. You don't call Merriman 'soft' and not expect a retort, a 'flaccid reflux,' if you will."
"But Smith made his point. If you call everyone soft, then those that react likely are soft."
If the Chargers can't find the necessary motivation to win at home against the Broncos, then there's only one thing that could be softer than the Chargers, and that's the Broncos' road to the AFC West title.
Merriman and the San Diego defense play with inspiration, and Rivers connects with Antonio Gates for two scores.
San Diego wins, 26-17.
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