NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 5

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore (-9)

On their way to a 3-1 record and a share of the AFC North lead, the Bengals have shown a flair for the dramatic, losing on a miracle, tipped-pass touchdown to Denver in Week 1, while beating the Steelers in the final seconds in Week 3, and winning on the final play in overtime last week in Cleveland, 23-20.

"You may have heard that my team talked me into going for it on fourth down in overtime," says Marvin Lewis. "I can pretty much be talked in to anything. Heck, I took the Cincy job back in 2003. And I kissed Chad Ochocinco last year, but that was under the influence of quaaludes and champagne. That was when Chad was undergoing his identity crisis, and seriously considered changing his name to Roman Polanski."

The Ravens are seething after Sunday's 27-21 loss in New England, angry at some officiating that they felt favored the home-standing Pats. Particularly at question were two roughing the passer calls in the first half, one in which Terrell Suggs was flagged for simply grazing the knee of Tom Brady. Super-slow motion replays appeared to show Brady actually reaching into the back pocket of the official and throwing the flag himself. Or at least replays in the Baltimore area did.

"If Giselle Bundchen does that same thing to Brady," says Ray Lewis, "she doesn't get flagged. She gets pregnant. By golly, I've seen more abuse to the cryogenically frozen head of baseball great Ted Williams go unpunished."

"If officials are going to be that biased towards quarterbacks with a history of knee injuries, then we're screwed. Heck, Carson Palmer's knee is responsible for all the legislation protecting quarterbacks. It's difficult enough already for NFL defenders to chase 'skirts' off the field without being penalized; now we have to worry about repercussions on the field."

You can expect the Ravens defenders to throw caution to the wind and come at Carson Palmer with everything they've got, making sure their hits are in the 'strike zone," in the area above the knees and below the neck. If Palmer is wise, he'll get rid of the ball quickly, because the officials won't be calling any roughing penalties.

Baltimore wins, 31-27.

Minnesota @ St. Louis (+10)

If there was a shred of doubt concerning Brett Favre's ability, arm strength, motivation, or boyish enthusiasm, it was put to rest last Monday in the Vikings' 30-23 win over the Packers. If revenge was indeed a factor, Favre showed it only by carving up the Green Bay pass defense for 271 yards and 3 touchdowns.

"My gosh," says Favre, "my offensive line gave me so much time to throw that on one play I actually contemplated retirement, and changed my mind twice before I had to throw."

"I think this game proves that I have no ill will towards the Packers. I feel I displayed the utmost respect and reverence in destroying them. If there were any hard feelings, well, that baggage has been 'Packed.'"

"I want to thank the Packers for allowing me to play for 16 years. Mostly, though, I want to thank them for not allowing me to play that 17th year. There's no way I would have survived behind that offensive line."

In stark contrast to the 4-0 Vikings, the Rams are 0-4 after their second shutout loss, a 35-0 whipping at the hands of division rival San Francisco. Quarterback Kyle Boller will face a Vikings defense that sacked Aaron Rodgers eight times. Defensive end Jared Allen recorded 4½ of those sacks, and also forced a fumble, a performance that solidified his position as a front-runner for NFL Defensive Player of the Year.

"I've already got my outfit picked out to wear to the awards ceremony," says Allen. "It's a camouflage wife-beater with a bow tie, accessorized with a cummerbund loaded with 12-gauge shotgun shells. You've got to dress to impress. Just as I do on the field. Not many guys can wear No. 69 and make it work. Me in jersey No. 69? Cool. Slow-pitch softball player in No. 69? Not cool."

Help is on the way for the Rams. Conservative talk show blowhard Rush Limbaugh is partnering with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to by the Rams. Quick, somebody tell Limbaugh that there's no such position on a football team known as "right wing."

Minnesota would be ripe for the picking in a letdown were they playing anyone but the Rams. But Adrian Peterson takes control, giving Favre the chance to rest his arm with just 20 passes. Peterson rushes for 146 yards and 2 touchdowns. The Rams get on the board late on a Steven Jackson score, verifying that the lights on the "home" side of the scoreboard do, in fact, work.

Minnesota wins, 30-7.

Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia (-13½)

At 0-4, it's apparent the Buccaneers have done little, if any, raping and pillaging, and have struggled to generate offense thus far this year. The outlook won't be much better on Sunday against an attacking Philadelphia defense and talented offense rested after a bye week.

"Hey, Napster's done more pirating than the Bucs," says Donovan McNabb. "I fear the skull and crossbones more on a box of rat poison. But we won't take them lightly. At least not until we've got a 14-0 lead halfway through the first quarter."

"As you know, I'm back at practice, and will probably start on Sunday. However, should I not, we're still in good hands, with Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick. I guess it's not true that Vick has an endorsement deal with Nike. Just because you wear Nike doesn't mean they endorse you. Consequently, just because you served time in jail for dog fighting doesn't mean I should believe you suddenly like dogs when you get out. You know, that's why we haven't been too successful running plays from the 'wildcat' formation. Michael's just not 'fee-line' it."

Bucs head coach Raheem Morris followed his decision last week to bench Byron Leftwich with another major decision, cutting kicker Mike Nugent after he missed two field goals in their 16-13 loss to Washington.

"In honor of his crazy Uncle Ted," says Morris, "I've promised Mike that the competition for our new kicker will be a 'Free For All.'"

With McNabb and Bryan Westbrook back and fairly healthy, the Eagles should have no trouble with the Bucs. And the Eagles defense will come after quarterback Josh Johnson and force turnovers.

McNabb throws for 245 yards and two scores in three quarters of action, and Philly forces three Johnson turnovers.

Philadelphia wins, 27-10.

Oakland @ NY Giants (-16)

Can the season get any worse for the Raiders? Oakland is 1-3, quarterback JaMarcus Russell's passes are 66% more likely to hit grass than an Oakland receiver, and head coach Tom Cable is on the verge of being arrested for punching an assistant coach back in August.

"In the case of the Raiders, you've got to question their leadership," says Eli Manning. "Can Al Davis really run an NFL team? If the destination is 'the ground,' then the answer is 'yes.'"

"And what about Cable? I don't question his ability to lead with his fist, but what about his leadership in general? When he says he's leading his team into battle, he really means it."

"As for Russell, his passes are really making Raider fans redefine the meaning of the 'Holy Roller.'"

Manning injured his right foot against the Chiefs last week, an injury diagnosed as "plantar fasciitis" that will likely require him to play with pain.

"I believe that's Latin for 'pussy foot,'" says Tom Coughlin. "So I can't tell you whether Eli will play or not. I think he will, and if he happens to turn the ball over like he did against the Chiefs, he'll also be suffering from a case of 'plantar footitis,' which is Latin for 'foot in the rear.'"

Like an injured Manning, the Raiders Sebastian Janikowski operates with one good foot (no, that doesn't mean he's had nonconsensual sex three times), and is practically Oakland's only consistent scoring threat. Janikowski kicks a 49-yard field goal with 3:49 to go in the game, cutting the Giants' lead from 28 to 25 points.

New York wins, 34-9.

Dallas @ Kansas City (+8½)

Dallas tumbled 17-10 in Denver last week, felled by two Tony Romo turnovers and protection issues on the offensive line. As with any Dallas loss, all the Cowboys can do now is wait for the fallout, which usually entails various former Cowboys either supporting or criticizing Tony Romo, owner Jerry Jones botoxing away more worry wrinkles, a total lack of accountability on the part of Wade Phillips, and Flozell Adams being fined for tripping.

"And don't forget jokes ridiculing me," says Romo. "Here's my favorite: 'What did the official say when Tony Romo asked him what down it was?' 'First down, Denver.'"

"Anyway, I can't let the words, whether positive or negative, of former Cowboys like Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin affect me. Not that I don't hear them, but mostly because I don't understand them. I don't speak jive. The only thing I care about is putting this team in position to win. Or, more importantly, not putting us in position to lose."

Romo rebounds, quelling any thought of an Indian uprising, passing for 2 touchdowns, and the Cowboys sack Matt Cassel four times.

Dallas wins, 28-13.

Pittsburgh @ Detroit (+11)

It may be true when they say "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," but what happens in Lake Tahoe, well, that'll follow you all the way home to Pittsburgh. Twice. Ben Roethlisberger, who was sued for sexual assault in July by a Harrah's Casino employee in Reno, is now being sued by another Harrah's employee, who claims he was fired when Roethlisberger complained that the employee demanded to see identification for a woman at Roethlisberger's table.

"I'll be darned if I ever go there again," says Roethlisberger. "Call it my 'last Harrah's.' Incidentally, my favorite football player right now is Seattle Seahawks safety Lawyer Milloy. If this guy were in front of me right now, somebody'd have to hold me back. I guess I'd tell him the same thing I told her: 'I'd like to hit that.'"

"If country legend Johnny Cash was here to put this to music, he'd definitely sing about 'A Boy Named Sue.' Well, this plaintiff needs to familiarize himself with the lyrics of Cash's 'Folsom Prison Blues,' particularly the lines that reads 'I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.'"

The Steelers will play at Detroit's Ford Field for the first time since winning Super Bowl XL. The Lions will be without rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford, who injured his knee last week against the Bears.

"Who says teams don't win Super Bowl in Detroit?" says Stafford.

The Lions have a chance in this game, if wide receiver Calvin Johnson catches 25 passes for 310 yards and 3 touchdowns. But the Steelers defense isn't that shaky. They'll take away Johnson, and the offense will utilize emerging threat Rashard Mendenhall on the ground, and Roethlisberger will be as carefree in the pocket as he was in Reno back in 2008.

Pittsburgh wins, 34-17.

Cleveland @ Buffalo (-6)

The 0-4 Browns travel up the shore of Lake Erie to face the 1-3 Bills in what is being called the "Lake Effect Blows" Bowl. Both coaches, Cleveland's Eric Mangini and Buffalo's Dick Jauron, most likely won't see next season as head coaches, although, given Cleveland's penchant for hiring recently fired coaches, Jauron could have a job in Cleveland.

"That's a dream job," says Jauron. "I wouldn't 'dream' of having it. But I can't blame anyone but myself for our shortcomings. I'm the guy that fired our offensive coordinator just days before the season. As a head coach, the last thing you want to do is introduce a new playbook to your players, because, inevitably, you're going to be met with 'Playbook?! Playbook? You're asking me about a new playbook?!' comments from some wise-cracking player. Damn you, Jim Mora, Sr."

"But really, I blame myself. I fired Turk Schonert. I admit it. His plays were a little too complicated for my tastes. Now the playbook is much simpler after we added an 'adden-dumb' to the previous playbook."

In Cleveland, Eric Mangini is dealing with the backlash of an 0-4 start, unacceptable even by Browns standards.

"I totally get the fans' frustration," says Mangini. "I also totally get my new nickname, Eric The 'Red,' a skillful play on 'under par' performance and a famous Norse explorer. But really, our problems go beyond the field. Braylon Edwards is feuding with LeBron James after Edwards punched LeBron's 130-pound friend outside a Cleveland night club. It seems that after a day of having Cincinnati cornerbacks hounding him, it was just too much having another smaller man all up in his space."

"Of course, LeBron isn't free from fault, either. Obviously, King James is surrounding himself with tiny people who can't dunk, much less dunk on him."

Well, Edwards isn't the Browns problem anymore. He was traded to the Jets on Wednesday, fulfilling the chain of events he hoped for when he started this controversy. Now, he's with a contender. And far away from James. Until the Cavs play the Knicks.

Buffalo wins, 24-22.

Washington @ Carolina (-4½)

After an awful first half in which they trailed the Bucs 10-0 in Washington, the Redskins decided to stuff the white flag back in their pants and play. Or at least play enough to pull out an ugly 16-13 win, which evened Washington's record to 2-2, and 2-0 against winless teams. On Sunday, the 'Skins get another winless team, the 0-3 Panthers.

"It makes sense that we're playing the Panthers," says Jim Zorn, "because all I heard in the first half were 'cat calls.' But we pulled out a win. To those fans, all I have to say is 'boo ya!'"

"All this team lacks is confidence. Unfortunately, it's confidence in their coach. But never fear. We've hired Sherman Lewis as a consultant on offensive. My boss, Daniel Snyder, assured me that this move is not a threat to my job. He did, however, inform me that I'm the biggest threat to my job."

The Panthers are 0-3, and are sticking with quarterback Jake Delhomme in spite of the team's troubles.

"Is that a surprising decision?" says John Fox. "Well, how about this one? Julius Peppers is still starting at defensive end. Just like Jake, he's 0-3 as a starter this year. In fact, nearly every starter on this team is 0-3 as a starter."

"You can't pin the blame on our winless start on just one player. Heck, I've learned that if I spread the blame evenly among my players and coaches, I don't feel any responsibility at all. I love this game!"

What does it say about a 2-2 team that is facing an 0-3 team and is still a 4½-point underdog? I think it says that both teams suck.

Carolina wins, 20-17.

Atlanta @ San Francisco (-2½)

The 49ers have clearly established themselves as the class of the NFC West, racing to a two-game lead after a 35-0 beating of the Rams. The visiting Falcons, fresh off a bye week, will certainly offer more resistance than the sheepish Rams did, and will present a formidable measuring stick for a San Fran team making a new name for itself.

"As good as we're playing," says Mike Singletary, "I can't let these guys assume that they can't play better. Against the Rams, it was okay to assume our superiority, because when you 'assume' against the Rams, you make an ass out of 'ewe.' Not me, though."

"Now, when you consult with a bail bondsman about your negotiations with professional representatives on your first NFL contract, then I wouldn't even call you an 'ass.' Heck, an ass or a donkey wouldn't be that stupid. That field-goal kicking donkey Gus negotiated his own contract without the help of an agent or a bail bondsman."

"I guess somebody talked some sense into Michael Crabtree. He finally signed, probably because he realized we're going to be a playoff team. But if he thinks I'm going to treat him like the savior to this team's passing woes, he's sadly mistaken. And I absolutely refuse to appear in some schmaltzy 'Got Crabs' advertising campaign."

Is this the game in which the 49ers realize how much they miss Frank Gore? The Falcons definitely won't give up three defensive touchdowns, and they'll move the ball efficiently on the 49er defense.

Matt Ryan throws for 218 yards and two scores.

Atlanta wins, 26-23.

Houston @ Arizona (-6)

With the 3-1 49ers looking down upon them in the NFC West standings, the 1-2 Cardinals certainly feel a sense of urgency to turn things around and start playing like the team that narrowly lost to the Steelers in the Super Bowl.

With opponents scheming to stop the pass, Arizona's running game deficiencies have been exposed, and the Texans will surely employ the same strategy.

"Everybody's daring us to run," says Kurt Warner. "In most cases, we've obliged, by being 'run' out of the building, twice losing at home. Honestly, until we find a dependable back, there's no need for defenses to load up the box against us. Right now, the rookie who was supposed to revitalize our running game, Beanie Wells, is nicknamed 'Wells No Go.' We'd be satisfied if he could become just a mediocre runner and be called 'Medium Wells.'"

"And until Larry Fitzgerald remembers how to beat double-teams like he did last year, I'll be saying 'Hell Larry's' more than 'Hail Mary's.'"

Houston is 2-2, their last win a 29-6 decision over the Raiders, a game in which the Texans took away the Raider running game and forced JaMarcus Russell to beat them with the pass. Houston will employ just the opposite defense against Arizona, by attempting to take away the pass and force the Cards to beat them on the ground.

"I'm not sure if beating the Raiders by 23 points is boast-worthy," says Gary Kubiak. "I'm not even sure it counts in the standings. I think if we really want to consider ourselves true playoff contenders, then this is the kind of game we need to win, on the road, against a playoff-caliber team. That's the kind of exposure we need. Exposure will play a key role in this game — the loser will be 'exposed' as a poseur."

Has a bye week given Ken Whisenhunt the time to analyze and correct the Cardinals shortcomings? Analyze, yes. Correct, I don't know. But if the Cards can't find a running game hidden inside the holes of the Texans' 29th-ranked rushing defense, then they are in serious trouble.

Arizona rushes for 145 yards as a team, and Warner finds Fitzgerald deep for a score late, securing a 34-24 Arizona win.

Jacksonville @ Seattle (-1)

After an 0-2 start, the Jaguars have stormed back with two wins, both coming over division foes Houston and Tennessee. The Jags are tied for second in the AFC South, and with the Colts leading the division at 4-0, Jacksonville can ill afford a loss and a possible three-game division deficit.

"We've shown in our two victories that we can win by taking what the defense gives us," says Jack Del Rio. "Against Houston, the Texans gave us the run, so we took it. In the Tennessee game, they gave us the pass, so we took it. If you come to a game in Jacksonville, we'll give away tickets. But you probably won't take them."

"It's never easy making that long trip to Seattle and playing at Qwest Field, home of the famous '12th Man.' We're very familiar with the '12th Man.' Attendance is so bad at Jaguars game, the '12th Man' is what we call the last fan arriving to a game."

Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck is scheduled to start after missing the last two games with a rib injury.

"We may be down," says Jim Mora. "But I sense great things for this team. I just hope I'm around to see it. It's a positive vibe. It smells like esprit de corps, which, oddly enough, smells like a combination of teen spirit, Mike Holmgren, and barbecue sauce."

Is a cross country trip, coupled with playing in front of 67,000 fans, too much for the Jags to handle? Probably. They're not used to playing in front of a full house.

Seattle wins, 23-17.

New England @ Denver (+3½)

Known primarily last year as a team heavy on offense and light on defense, the Broncos have changed identities under Josh McDaniels. Now, the Denver defense leads the league in scoring defense, and an offense that relied heavily on the arm of Jay Cutler now sports a formidable ground game with the solid yet unspectacular Kyle Orton calling the signals. It's a recipe for success, as the Broncos are undefeated and atop the AFC West.

"Don't call it an 'inversion," says Josh McDaniels. "Call it a 'Den-version' if you will. I've totally changed the mindset of this team, for the better, of course. I think it's become apparent that Mike Shanahan wasn't much of a disciplinarian. Heck, Shanahan spawned more 'babies' than Travis Henry."

"Orton's doing exactly what I've asked of him. That's simply to not make mistakes. And Brandon Marshall is finally doing what I've asked of him, and that's to make corrections to Orton's mistakes. Like, for example, last week, when he grabbed an under-thrown Orton pass that should have been intercepted by Terrence Newman and turned it into the 51-yard game-winning touchdown. That's exactly what I envisioned for Brandon, after all of my panicked efforts to trade him failed."

The Pats escaped with a 27-21 win last week over the undefeated Ravens, a result that, depending on your love/hatred for the Patriots, may/may not have been swayed by some controversial roughing penalties on the Ravens. At least one former Patriot disagreed with the calls; former New England safety Rodney Harrison questioned Tom Brady's toughness, quipping that Brady needed to "take off the skirt."

"Hey, Rodney's partly right," says Brady. "Giselle wears the pants in this family. Skirt or slacks, our opponents need not worry about what I'm wearing. They do, however, need to worry about the pockets attached to what I'm wearing, and the size of those pockets. Because they're large enough to hold an entire officiating crew."

It's the kind of matchup that Bill Belichick loves best — a game in which he can put his upstart former assistant in his rightful place with a loss. Belichick may be the "Daddy Mack," but Denver's young leader is the "'Mc' Daddy," and he wants to beat his mentor just as badly.

But for Tom Brady, it's personal. He remembers the 2006 divisional playoffs in Denver, when a phantom interference call on Asante Samuel aided the Broncos in their victory. Why does that play stick in Brady's craw? Because it was the last time a call went against the Pats.

Brady steers clear of Champ Bailey, throwing a TD pass apiece to Wes Welker and Kevin Faulk. The New England defense harasses Kyle Orton into two turnovers, and precious few passes to Brandon Marshall.

New England wins, 27-20.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee (+3)

At the onset of the season, it appeared that Sunday's Colts/Titans contest would pit the two AFC South frontrunners in an early battle for control of the division. However, Indy's impressive 4-0 start, coupled with Tennessee's disastrous 0-4 start, has diminished much of the luster of the game.

"Hey, we know the Titans are down," says Peyton Manning. "But that doesn't mean they're out. If anything, they'll be angry. How angry? Probably just as angry as NBC once they realize that flex games don't start until Week 11."

For the Titans, Kerry Collins is still the starter, but Jeff Fisher realizes the situation may soon call for a drastic change at quarterback.

"If Vince Young is looking for redemption," says Fisher, "this may be his chance. Second chances are a lot like Vince's Wonderlic scores — he's lucky to get two or three."

"Our 0-4 start is certainly deflating, but not tragic. It doesn't require a eulogy by any means, but it would make a great subject for a heartbreaking country song involving drowning your sorrows in whiskey. And since Kerry Collins has experience in country music and whiskey, he's perfectly qualified to author the song."

Only one team in NFL history has made the playoffs after starting the season 0-4. So it's going to take a "Music City Miracle" for the Titans to see the post-season. For Fisher, that miracle starts on Sunday night. Neither Collins nor Young get the start. Instead, Fisher surprises everyone by starting Frank Wycheck, who starts the scoring by throwing a lateral on the first snap, which is picked up by the Colts Marlin Jackson and returned for a touchdown.

Manning keeps the Titans at bay for the rest of the game.

Colts win, 31-24.

NY Jets @ Miami (+1)

Sunny Florida is the site for a showdown between AFC East rivals New York and Miami, a game-pitting the Jets fearsome defense against the Dolphins potent 'wildcat' offense.

"Save for a sumo ring," says Ricky Williams, "I can't think of a better place for Tony Sparano and Rex Ryan to go at it than Landshark Stadium. For this game, maybe they should call it 'Beached Whale Stadium.'"

In a 4-turnover effort in a 24-10 loss to the Saints, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez finally played like a rookie. It was one of those "welcome to the NFL" moments that Sanchez is likely to remember when he looks back on his rookie year.

"I can't truly say I've been fully broken in to the NFL," says Sanchez. "At least not until I'm the recipient of some Joey Porter trash talk. Joey's been quiet so far. Either he's gone mute, or this 1-3 start has clogged his blowhole with humble pie."

If the Dolphins are to beat the Jets and tighten things up in the East, they'll have to have their running game clicking. The Jets will likely stack the line to stop Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, thus forcing Chad Henne to shoulder the load on offense. And with a solid defensive backfield, featuring Darrelle Revis, eyeing Henne, the Jets will be able to fully commit to stopping the run.

Sanchez throws for an efficient 195 yards, including a score to new addition Braylon Edwards, who definitely won't be on the onside kick "hands" team.

New York wins, 22-17.