Why Kids Need Drugs

Every ambitious 8-year-old youth sports star is looking for that something that will give him an edge over the other kids and make him stand out from the pack. If you are such a kid, your search for the answer has officially ended. I have that advice for you, if you can handle it. To be a star, you have to do drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

I'm not talking about steroids, either. I'm not familiar with little league rules these days, but I'm assuming they followed Major League Baseball's lead and banned performance enhancers. Besides, I'm not the type of cold-hearted jerk that would suggest an 8-year-old should go on steroids, that could seriously mess him up. The drugs I'm talking about are the hardcore recreational (read: fun) type and rest assured, they are a necessary evil to become a star.

It didn't use to be that way, Josh Hamilton changed everything. Every woman and wussified media-type has completely fallen prey to his "hey I'm really good at sports, but that's not enough to keep me busy, watch me battle all of these personal demons at the same time because I'm so awesome." His relapse in the summer even made him more appealing to the uneducated, as their love for him grew deeper because "hey, we all make mistakes, he's just like us."

No, he's not just like you. He's a millionaire athlete that is extremely good at a sport, but has ruined much of his promise with drugs. If you make a mistake, it's forgetting to bring in the trash can or leaving the roast in the oven too long. When he makes a mistake, it involves things like strippers, whipped cream, body shots, photos of people in various stages of undress. But I guess one thing we can all agree on — Josh Hamilton knows how to party.

Josh Hamilton isn't a great baseball player, but he's pretty good. The thing people miss is that, before the drugs, he was supposed to be great. So, if anything, he's still not even living up to his original hype. The drugs didn't make him better. That doesn't matter, though, because the drugs made his story better. And he's permanently changed the "comeback story" forever.

Now, it's no longer enough to be awe-inspiringly good at something. It's not even enough to come back after a major sports injury and be a star again. You have to battle some sort of personal demon in the process. And you're fooling yourself if you think this isn't going to have a trickle down effect.

When colleges are recruiting kids, what's more appealing? Someone who is good? You can find that anywhere. But someone that has already faced some of the darkest demons he can face and triumphed? Now there's a kid that's ready for the pressures of college.

Long story short, it's no longer enough for Little Johnny to overcome his sucktitude in becoming the most special shortstop in the tri-state area. He now has to overcome a horrific drug problem in the process.

I realize this clears up the timeless question kids have been dealing with for years — what makes you cooler, being a sports star or doing drugs? Now they go hand-in-hand. On the other hand, this may be a discouraging revelation to all you pre-teens out there with hopes of becoming a baseball star. If you're sitting there thinking, "I've always been told not to do drugs, I think I'll try to become a star without them," forget it, you've already proven you're a wuss. You can go ahead and turn in your glove and book a reservation at your younger sister's tea party (you'll be the one wearing the dress). For those of you who are willing to do what it takes to win Mommy and Daddy's love, let's continue.

I understand it won't be easy for to develop a drug addiction, namely because you lack the savvy to find narcotics and the pocket cash to buy them. Because I want to feel like I had a hand in your storybook baseball career, I will help you out here. Go to the medicine cabinet and load up on "adult candy." Take as much as you can in as many colors as you can and stash it in your room. Take three pills a day and before you know it, you will be out of your freaking mind.

Your parents will naturally assume you are too much of a wimp to take drugs, so you will really have to play up your newfound "druggie" attitude. Get yourself some temporary tats and a girlfriend (better if she has cooties, because STDs and drugs work together like cookies and milk) whose at least two grades ahead of you. Say cryptic things to your parents like "I know who you really are" and "how long do you think it would take me to die if I jumped off our roof?" When they ask how your day was, use a lot of "whatever"s and then mention in passing that you think your girlfriend is pregnant.

Your reward will be a two-week vacation in rehab to detox. After that, it's time to get back out on the diamond to rediscover your skillz. At that point, the rest of the story is already written for you. There will be no prouder moment for your parents than when you accept the comeback player of the year award at the end of the season pizza party.