What I Hate About Your Team: NFC

Also see: What I Hate About Your Team: AFC

Dallas Cowboys — "America's Team," huh? Well, I'm a 'murican, and the Cowboys are not my team. Apparently, the nickname started with an NFL Films producer. I'm gonna get a job with NFL Films and work tirelessly injecting into the public consciousness that the Cincinnati Bengals are "America's real team."

Philadelphia Eagles — Their stupid "Fly Eagles, Fly" theme song. I've lived in the Philly area for over six years now, and I'm no more a Philly sports fan than I was when I came here.

New York Giants — That they jettisoned the underlined "GIANTS" logo on their helmet. The retro design does nothing for me. The underlined one was the helmet of L.T. and their pre-2007 Super Bowl victories.

Washington Redskins — It's amazing that they cling to such a racist nickname. If you had a Native American friend, would you call him a Redskin?

Chicago Bears — A bear is an awesome animal, but do they play it up? No, their primary logo is that boring Cincinnati Reds "C." May I suggest instead a bear with a viking horn, a lion leg, and a Packers ... something ... hanging out of its mouth?

Green Bay Packers — Vince Lombardi. I know as a football fan I'm supposed to idolize him, but instead I think I would secretly enjoy it if he was coaching today, blowing his stack while losing to a bunch of thugs who don't even have crewcuts nor a bible in their locker.

Detroit Lions — William Clay Ford, Sr. You know what he's not good at? Running a football team. That's what he's not good at.

Minnesota Vikings — The historical haplessness. Losing four Super Bowls, "Marshall is running the wrong way!" and of course, the sex boat.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — How they don't go back to the creamsicle, Buccaneer Bruce uniforms on turn back the clock games.

Carolina Panthers — As a Bucs fan, I hate all of their division rivals, but I hate Carolina the most. I had the misfortune of sitting next to a Panthers fan watching a Bucs/Panthers game at a bar a few years back. He was obnoxious. I'd like to throw him into a cage with a 'roid-raging Steve Smith.

Atlanta Falcons — Their uniforms look like their were designed by the FOX NFL graphics production team.

New Orleans Saints — Their "Who Dat?" slogan. I don't care how long it's been retired. Irredeemably stupid.

St. Louis Rams — What you did to my fantasy team last year. What happened to the greatest show on turf? Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, Stephen Jackson — didn't you guys used to be good?

Seattle Seahawks — That grey-blue color is pretty stupid. And I'm not sure that Seattle, not exactly a beer-and-a-shot kind of city, should even have an NFL team.

Arizona Cardinals — One of the most sorry franchises in all of sports, you had a chance to strike a blow for the underdog in last year's Super Bowl that would have been heard 'round the world. But you blew it, and to the team that already had a share of the most Super Bowl victories.

San Francisco 49ers — Your lack of a real rivalry with the Raiders. Of course, teams have to be good for a rivalry to be interesting anyway, and when was the last time the Niners and the Raiders even combined for enough wins to get a team into the playoffs?