I'm in a foul mood. I went to a bar in time to catch the rerun of the USA/Mexico World Cup qualifier today, had the bartender turn it on, only to have the douchebag next to me say, "They're re-runnin' that already? Sucks the way the U.S. lost."
So that got me thinking about your team, and what I hate about them. The NFC will come next time.
Miami Dolphins, I hate the way you celebrate each year when the last undefeated team falls. It's even worse that they try to downplay it and say it's no big deal to them. The hell it isn't. Eat me, Larry Csonka.
New York Jets, I hate how you are New York's most uninspiring franchise. Of all the two and three teams for each sport in the NY/NJ area, no team is farther behind their brother in terms of interest. Even the Mets have some interesting history, with Casey Stengel and Marv Throneberry, Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, and the '86 World Series.
Buffalo Bills, I hate your bizarre shades of red and blue. Each helmet and uniform design of the last 35 years has been worse than the one that preceded it.
New England Patriots, I hate your coach, Bill Belichick. Smug, humorless, anal, and a cheater.
Cleveland Browns, I hate how low-rent you are. I'm from Northeast Ohio, and you constantly mortify me. Remember when Kellen Winslow was in the hospital? For an "undisclosed condition?" That turned out to be a staph infection? And that it came out that multiple users of the Browns facilities had suffered the same? Clean your gross, disgusting whirlpools, Browns, and stop embarrassing me.
Cincinnati Bengals, I hate you for being so hapless. You're a team where one winning record in six seasons (and a quick playoff exit) gets Marvin Lewis hailed a genius.
Baltimore Ravens, I hate your purple on black uniforms, and I hate your decades-long offensive ineptitude, and I hate that Ozzie Newsome is here and not in the Browns front office where he belongs.
Pittsburgh Steelers, I hate your terrible towel, I hate that you think you're cute with the helmet logo on just one side, and I hate how you keep lucking out with good coaches.
Indianapolis Colts, I hate how many commercials Peyton Manning is in. Hey Peyton, take a hike.
Tennessee Titans, I hate that you didn't keep the name Oilers when you moved to Tennessee. Your logo was a freakin' oil derrick, and you replace it with, as Gregg Easterbrook calls it, a flying thumbtack.
Houston Texans, I hate how you still have that expansion team smell of putridity. Jacksonville and Carolina won almost right out of the gate.
Jacksonville Jaguars, your jaguar's tongue is freakin' turquoise. That'd be fine if the rest of it was turquoise or some complementary color, but no, you had to give Jaggy realistic colors for everything except the tongue.
Kansas City Chiefs, I hate how you make the Bengals look like alter boys. I realize there's nothing to do in KC, but Larry Johnson commits more assaults than half the teams in the NFL by himself. And you suck on top of it.
San Diego Chargers, I hate Philip Rivers and his rabbit ears. You kept the wrong quarterback.
Denver Broncos, I hate how you said, "Okay, fine, take Jay Cutler. We'll take the awesome, proven Kyle Orton to lead us to victory!" Poor Bronco fans. You deserve better.
Oakland Raiders, I hate Al Davis. He is every bit as bad as George Steinbrenner was, and he tried to disingenuously pass himself off as a basketball player at Syracuse. Also, he has this tiny head that makes him look like a snapping turtle.
August 13, 2009
Charlie Anido:
It’s a misnomer about the way the ‘72 Dolphins celebrate the last unbeaten team each season - they actually DO NOT MEET and raise glasses of champaign. Like Obama was not born in the USA, if you repeat a story enough times it will become fact with the public. Most of the members are scattered around the country and have lives to live. Few if any still live in Miami and it would logistically impossible to coordinate gatherings for that last unbeaten team each season. Think about it.
if you want to knock the Dolphins knock them for the fight song that hasn’t changed since ‘72 and is played after each score.
Fins fan
August 13, 2009
Kevin Beane:
Thanks for reading Charlie. I do know that they do not get together and celebrate, but I didn’t say so in my piece. It was my understanding that they DO call each other and they DO each buy their own champagne to ritualistically crack open when that last undefeated team goes down.
August 18, 2009
Andrew Jones:
Very nicely done. I agree on most everything. I do think that the Islanders are a far worse franchise than the Jets though.
Loved the bit about the flying thumbtacks.