Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Inside Brett Favre’s Secret Diary
Dear Diary,
I am pretty damn awesome. Maybe it's because I hold the record for most consecutive starts at 269, but honestly, who is even counting anymore? Maybe it's because I have the most wins as a starter ... ever. Take a seat, John Elway. Or maybe it is because I have thrown the most touchdown passes in NFL history. Some people tell me I should be a model; have you seen me in those Wrangler jeans? Let me tell you something, if I were a female, I'd do me.
Others tell me I should go into acting which can be partly contributed to my Academy Award nominated press conference in which I, covered in tears, told my beloved groupies that I was retiring, only to sign a deal with the Jets a few months later. Sorry ,Dan Marino, your ever so minor role in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" (did anyone even like that movie?) can't compare with my natural gift of acting.
You see, diary, I knew I wasn't going to stay retired all along after I left Green Bay. They practically kicked me out when they drafted Aaron Rodgers in 2005. Building for the future, my ass. Hello? Did our front office realize Roddy White and Heath Miller were still on the board? God forbid we draft a few weapons around me once in awhile. Have you seen my arm? Women call it orgasmic. I just call it Brett being Brett.
And what about this Ryan Grant kid trying to steal all my thunder? Joe Philbin tried to tell me he was just as important to the offense as I was, tried to get me to throw him screen passes. Screen pass? What the hell is a screen pass? When I throw the ball, I'm throwing for the end zone. Go ahead, ask the Broncos secondary. So, yeah, I put on a little show and acted as if I was going to retire so I could get out of Green Bay and move on with my record-breaking career. That's not being cocky, that's just being factual.
Not too long after, I got traded to and signed with the New York Jets. I guess you could say I didn't have a great go-around with the other New York team (you know, the one who hasn't won a Super Bowl since Joe Namath was under center), leading the league in interceptions, but let me explain. In at least half of them, my "star" receivers weren't where they were supposed to be, and the other half the ball probably just slipped, or the sun was in my eyes, or the offensive line broke down on me, or I just wanted to show off my excellent form.
Whatever. I couldn't be a Jet for long, they weren't ready for me. I mean seriously, after years of Chad Pennington, the man who can't throw farther than the winner of the 8-year-old punt, pass, and kick competition, the Jets bring in me, and my sex cannon of an arm. So, a few months ago when I said that I would retire yet again, guess what? I was lying.
I want to put last year in the past. I had a torn right tendon in my shoulder all season, which lead to inconsistency in the passing game. That's why I need to redeem myself this year. You know, good ole' Brett, throwing footballs through tire swings. If it happens to be for the Green Bay Packers' rival, the Minnesota Vikings, so be it. That is why I even got surgery in the first place. That is why after my surgery, I sent the results to the Vikings staff. That is why Adrian Peterson and I text each other and he begs me to play for the Vikes. He is always like, "Please, Brett, I can't take another year of Tavaris Jackson, he swears he is the second coming of Randall Cunningham!"
I am a perfect fit for Minnesota. Well I mean, give me two years with any squad and I'll bring even the Lions to the promise land, but this is different. Minnesota has everything in place. The defense and special teams are one of the tops in the league, Adrian Peterson's numbers speak for themselves, and I am already familiar with their offense. There is only one little hole that prevents the Vikes from winning a Super Bowl — the quarterback position.
See, this is all apart of my master plan. You must understand that I need attention and the only way this can be achieved is if I, Brett Favre, am 100% of "SportsCenter," and 50% of CNN and FOX News on a daily basis. The bottom line must consist of nothing but me. I don't care if our soccer team pulled one of the biggest upsets in U.S. soccer history, or that lottery pick Ricky Rubio is considering returning to Spain. Hell, I ate Trix for breakfast this morning, isn't that newsworthy? And don't get me started about Michael Jackson. CNN and FOX are all over this guy! Jeez, my goldfish died two weeks ago, can I get some airtime? I crave it!
Within the next few weeks, I guess I'll go public about my decision to either stay retired (yeah, right) or return to the NFL to play with the Vikings, but as for now, Brett is just being Brett. I should probably wrap this up, I heard there is a sale at the mall on purple shirts.
With love,
Brett Favre