Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon — Gordon struggled to his worst finish of the year, a 25th in Phoenix, plagued by a number of mishaps, including a lug nut problem that forced an extra pit stop, as well as damage from the Robby Gordon/Michael Waltrip incident on lap 164. Gordon also complained of a sore back. However, despite all his troubles, Gordon maintained the points lead, with an 85-point cushion over Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson.
"Like my first wedding date," says Gordon, "Saturday was a day I'd like to forget. The similarities end there, though. I got paid for Saturday's race; I'm still paying for my first wedding."
"But enough about gold-digging former Miss Winstons, as if one isn't enough. Let's talk about other things that have cost me money. Is it just me, or have loose lug nuts 'screwed' more drivers this year than any other year in memory?"
"As for being caught in the fallout of the Gordon/Waltrip incident, it's like people say, 'That's racing (with idiots).' I'll give those two some credit. They cured my back pain, or at least made it move to another part of my body."
2. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson fell short in his quest to win his fourth-straight race in Phoenix, but a fourth-place result in the Subway Fresh Fit 500 left little to be unhappy about, as the Lowe's squad has now posted a third, first, second, and fourth in the last four races.
"I believe that's called 'driving' for the cycle," says Johnson.
"This team has three Cup championships under our belt, and we're riding a wave of momentum. Confidence is high. I guess you could say we have 'Lowe's self-esteem.'"
3. Tony Stewart — Stewart finished second in the Subway Fresh Fit 500, unable to chase down Mark Martin in the closing laps at Phoenix International Raceway. It's was the Office Depot/Old Spice driver's first runner-up finish of the year, and third-consecutive top-four result.
"There's no shame in losing to Mark Martin," says Stewart. "And, as everybody knows, I'm practically shameless. That's why I can say, without shame, that Mark's old enough to be the father of the kind of girl I like to invite to my late night hauler shindigs."
"Anyway, age is just a number. 50 is the new 47. Whether he's winning races or driving the Viagra-sponsored car, Mark's inspirational message leaves people saying 'It's amazing the things you can do at 50.'"
4. Kurt Busch — In his 300th career Cup start, Busch matched his qualifying effort with a third in the Subway Fresh Fit 500 at Phoenix International Raceway, surviving a brush with the wall on lap 177 that caused a temporary tire rub. Busch maintained the third position in the Sprint Cup point standings, and now trails Jeff Gordon by only 98 points.
"It seems that I created quite a discussion about public radio chatter when I bitched out Roger Penske a few weeks ago in Martinsville," says Busch. "It's ironic, in light of the knowledge that I had the size of my floppy ears surgically reduced, that I would be able to give anyone an ear 'full.'"
"Roger found my outburst alarming, because I darn sure 'went off' on him. But let's not overreact. Making our radio communication private would be the wrong move. I think fans want and deserve to hear the conversations that take place between team members. Besides, it gives people like me the opportunity to say things to a car owner that I don't have the guts to say to his face."
"But there are consequences. Roger Penske is a noble man, so he did the right thing by taking me behind closed doors and cursing me out. Did I deserve it? 'Roger' that."
5. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin scored his fourth top-10 finish of the year, delivering a sixth at Phoenix in the No. 11 Joe Gibbs Racing Fed Ex Toyota. Hamlin led the Gibbs' charge, with teammates Kyle Busch and Joey Logano finishing 17th and 21st, respectively. Hamlin now sits fifth in the points, 154 off the lead.
"I can totally relate to Mark Martin," says Hamlin. "I'm only 28, but, like Martin, I feel like the elder statesmen on my respective team. Kyle Busch is only a tender 23, and Joey Logano is so young, he refers to the Home Depot not as his sponsor, but as his mother's womb. It's like I'm an escort for those two."
"But that's an entirely separate entity from my other escort service, in which fanatical Denny Hamlin fans of the female persuasion pay way too much for the services of yours truly. Just like my sponsor, Federal Express, I specialize in 'package' delivery."
6. Kyle Busch — Busch had a promising finish at Phoenix International Raceway foiled by a pit road speeding penalty as he exited the pits after a stop during the race's final caution. With six laps to go, Busch was sent to the tail end of the longest line, effectively ending his chances for a win in the Subway Fresh Fit 500.
"Hey, it's never good to go to the tail end of the longest line," says Busch, "unless it's the Conga line at a Tony Stewart hauler party. Or the line to work for Teresa Earnhardt."
"As for my speeding penalty, NASCAR officials tell me the timer recorded me at .005 too fast. That seems awfully nit-picky. I don't think the punishment fits the crime. Instead of punishing me by essentially killing my chances of winning, why can't NASCAR just chastise me with a slap on the wrist, like a six-race probation?"
7. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer finished 26th in the Subway Fresh Fit 500, a disappointing result considering he finished second and twelfth there last year. Bowyer toiled with a loose-handling No. 33 Hamburger Helper/Cheerios Chevy Impala, finishing a lap down and dropping two places in the points to sixth. He trails Jeff Gordon by 190 points.
"I hear all the talk about the struggles so far this year for the Richard Childress organization," says Bowyer. "But I'm not worried at all. After all, if there is help for hamburger, then there's got to be help for us."
"But what's to worry about? I'm sixth in the points, and Jeff Burton is 11th. But, if you rank the top 12 drivers alphabetically, we're 1-2. In addition, 'RCR' backwards is still 'RCR.' I'm not sure what that means, but when Richard Childress tells you to stay positive, you look for positives anywhere."
8. Mark Martin — It was one for the aged in Phoenix last Saturday, as 50-year-old Mark Martin won for the first time in 97 races, capturing the pole on Friday and leading 157 of 312 laps on Saturday on his way to the win. Martin, in the No. 5 Kelloggs and Car Quest sponsored Chevrolet, gave Hendrick Motorsports its third consecutive victory.
"I love the smell of cereal and motor parts in the desert," says Martin. "It smells like napalm and victory. You could say it's a '50 scent.' Anyway, I'm going to party like it's my birthday."
"But it's great to see my name in the headlines again. Just call me 'Marquee' Mark. If that name alone doesn't get me back into the rap game, I don't know what will."
"Now, if form holds, then Dale Earnhardt, Jr. should win next week at Talladega. It's a definite possibility. God knows the 'E'-ternally optimistic fans of Junior Nation are praying for it. Of course, Dale, Jr.'s fortunes rest on the assumption that he can harness his emotions and potential, and avoid this silly '(S)Mears campaign' of intentionally wrecking Casey Mears. Hey, I used to drive the Viagra car — there's a proper time and place for an 'E'-wrecktion. Junior's 'Amp'-etite for destruction won't cut it at Talladega."
9. Carl Edwards — Edwards grappled with handling issues in Phoenix, and complained often the No. 99 Subway Ford Fusion lacked grip on the changing PIR surface. Still, he and the No. 99 crew fought their way to a 10th-place finish, and Edwards remained eighth in the point standings.
"This certainly isn't the start to the year that I expected," says Edwards. "I heard that quite a few experts predicted me to win the 2009 Sprint Cup. Maybe I got a little big-headed about that, but at least now my head is more in proportion to my teeth."
"By this point last year, I already had three wins. I'm not sure what's happened, but it looks as though we've regressed. It seems my signature acrobatic move, the back flip, has been sadly replaced by the back slide."
10. David Reutimann — Reutimann finished eighth in Phoenix, his second top-10 result of the year, and improved twp places in the Sprint Cup point standings to ninth, 250 out of first.
"My car owner, Michael Waltrip, says he'll give up his ride in the No. 55 if he's not competitive," says Reutimann. "Well, Michael hasn't been competitive, but he has been repetitive, with uncompetitive result after uncompetitive result."
"I think Michael's time in the No. 55 is limited. The fat lady is singing, and so is Sammy Hagar, because 'Mike can't drive, the 55.'"
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