Sports Q&A: Wee, Monsieur

Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong believes French doping officials may ban him from the 2009 Tour because of disagreements over a recent drug test. Is this just another ploy by the French to taint Armstrong's accomplishments in France's most beloved sporting event?

Absolutely. Just to clarify, this latest incident, like all the others in Armstrong's past battles with the French doping gestapo, revolves around a test that ultimately revealed no banned substances in Armstrong's samples.

The Frenchies have been bitter since French dominance of the Tour ended in 1986, when American Greg LeMond edged Frenchman Laurent Fignon by eight seconds. Before that, a French rider had won eight of the previous nine Tours, with Bernard "The Badger" Hinault the last Frenchman to win the title. Hinault won five Tours in his illustrious career, a mark that Armstrong pedaled past on his way to his seven Tour championships.

Instead of acknowledging Armstrong's greatness, the French have focused on a crusade to discredit him, "badgering" him with drug accusations, to create a de-"Tour" to Armstrong's quest for title number eight. In their efforts to find the dirt on Armstrong at all costs, the French have entered a new era of cultural and artistic awareness, as well as obsessiveness, known as the French "Reconnaissance."

In order to obtain Armstrong's samples for testing, the French, surprisingly, have displayed a "no surrender" attitude.

With championship cycling no longer associated with France, it's not enough for the French to just be known for "ticklers," fancy toast, and a cartoon skunk. Therefore, they feel the urge to deface the worldwide image of superior cycling, who happens to be an American.

Armstrong is a cancer survivor, and he has shown the same incredible resilience in defeating the disease as he has in each of his seven grueling trips through Les Alps. Cancer left Armstrong near death, and he has actually given his left nut to the sport of cycling. Yet the French insist on the belief that those experiences preclude the possibility of Armstrong's incredible accomplishments. That, mon amis, is a piss poor excuse.

Sorry, France. You can't prove in the laboratory that Armstrong is doped up, and he surely isn't going to admit to something of which he is innocent. Armstrong insiders have said that the French have promised no more tests for the Texas native, provided he admits to some form of drug usage. Sources also say that Armstrong has adamantly refused the offer, decrying the "pee bargain" as a form of blackmail.

The latest incident involves a drug test on March 17, a day in which a drug tester with France's anti-doping agency, the AFLD, which, I believe, is a clever abbreviation for "Armstrong Failed," showed up in the "CSI: Le Tour" van at Armstrong's home in France to collect urine, blood, and hair samples. Armstrong patiently supplied the samples, although his frustration with the French was evident when he graciously offered a stool sample and quipped, "I'm tired of this crap."

Undocumented reports also claim Armstrong tossed in a sperm sample, which the seven-time champ asked to be delivered directly to the president of the AFLD, a man Armstrong referred to as "Jacques Doffe."

As previously stated, French laboratory technicians, no matter how hard they tried, found no banned substances in Armstrong's blood, urine, or hair, nor in his kitchen sink. In fact, Armstrong himself reported the news of the tests in an online post on "Twinkle," a Twitter-affiliated site in which users post news of their urine tests.

All was copacetic until officials with the AFLD later questioned a 20-minute delay in collecting the samples in which Armstrong went inside his house to take a shower. The AFLD tester, under strict orders to keep Armstrong in his sight, claims he never granted permission for Armstrong to take a shower. Armstrong says the tester did allow him to go inside and take a shower while Armstrong's team manager, Johan Bruyneel, checked the tester's credentials.

Fittingly, Bruyneel demanded the tester's blood, urine, and hair samples, in what had to be the most fitting use of the French word touché in the history of spoken language.

Now, what exactly is the problem with Armstrong's shower? Is it possible to wash traces of drugs from one's hair, urine, and blood with just soap and water? Believe me, I've taken my share of 20-minute showers, and despite vigorous scrubbing, I've found that you can't alter the genetic makeup of bodily fluids.

And, I'm assuming Armstrong didn't draw his own blood for that portion of the testing. If that were the case, then it's no wonder the French have never busted Armstrong for a positive drug test.

Armstrong said the March 17 test was the 24th drug test administered since September of 2008. That's more than Charlie Sheen and Snoop Dogg, combined. Since Armstrong has passed all of them, it would seem the French authorities are intent to let the ongoing harassment of constantly demanding samples interfere with Armstrong's training. If they can't find a positive sample to disqualify Armstrong from the tour, then it appears the French just want to distract Armstrong from his preparations.

Armstrong is not without his supporters on this issue. Without Armstrong in the Tour, the Versus network's coverage of the event will lose much of its American fan base. It's been proven that Americans will tune in to view the biking exploits of only two people, Armstrong or Johnny Knoxville.

In addition, Pat McQuaid, president of the International Cycling Union (UCI), the world's cycling governing body, questioned the French authorities' ethics in the matter. McQuaid cited the fact that the AFLD sent a report of the Armstrong tests, although the UCI had no jurisdiction in this case, at about the same time the case was leaked to the press. Normally, contact between anti-doping agencies and the UCI is kept confidential until a decision to open a case has been confirmed.

So, is the AFLD telling the media the same thing they've been telling Armstrong — "Take a leak?"

Let's assume, just for a minute, that Armstrong has used banned substances. What's more impressive? Winning seven Tours, or fooling the doping agencies for this long? If Amstrong's been able to mask the presence of banned drugs in his body, then he's better at "duping" than he is at "doping." Either way, the French lose.

But assuming that Armstrong is dirty is a crazy assumption. One that only French doping officials on a witch hunt would make. But, in their crazed efforts to "catch" Armstrong, the French are just spinning their wheels. For those with a problem with Armstrong and/or his seven Tour De France wins, it's all over but for the crying.

That's appropriate, because everyone, Armstrong included, would agree that the French are known for their fine "whine."