Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon — Gordon controlled the first half of the Goody's Fast Pain Relief 500, leading 144 of the first 348 laps, but late handling issues felled Gordon's chance of snapping his 48-race winless streak. Still, Gordon lengthened his points lead, and now leads second-place Clint Bowyer by 89 points.
"They don't call Jimmie Johnson 'Mr. Martinsville' because he likes to lube up and flex his muscles onstage in mildly homo-erotic bodybuilding rituals," says Gordon. "Hey, what Jimmie does in his spare time is his business."
"No, they call him 'Mr. Martinsville' because the Johnson victory is becoming just as synonymous with Martinsville as the concession hot dog, or the campground fur burger."
"I felt like we were one of the two cars to beat for the first half of this race. Then our handling went south, and we were out of it. It's very frustrating to go so long without a win, but can't someone ask me about my five top-10s instead of my winless streak? My daughter just learned to talk, and her first words were not 'Mommy' or 'Daddy,' but 'When are you going to win a race?'"
"Nevertheless, the No. 24 DuPont Chevrolet has been strong all year, so I expect to win any week now. I'm past 'Du' for a victory."
2. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson muscled past Denny Hamlin with 15 laps to go at Martinsville and cruised to his first win of the year, and his fifth win in the last six Martinsville races. Johnson's triumph also marked the 25th anniversary of Hendrick Motorsports' first win, when Geoff Bodine won at Martinsville in 1984. Johnson was awarded Martinsville's traditional grandfather clock for his efforts, and leaped five spots in the point standings to fourth.
"I'm so dominant at Martinsville," says Johnson, "that they should make the trophy a 'great' grandfather clock. Hey, what do Jimmie Johnson and a grandfather clock have in common? They both struck '11.' But Hamlin shouldn't be too upset. He didn't leave here empty-handed. Heck, we both got 'clocked.'"
"Now, as for my testimony in the Helio Castroneves tax-evasion trial, I was called as a character witness for attorney Alan Miller, who's also my agent. Hey, I've got no problem vouching for shady characters. Heck, I've been by Chad Knaus' side quite often during inspections."
3. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer's BB&T Chevrolet was strong all day, consistently running in the top five all day, on the way to a fifth-place finish, his best-ever result at Martinsville. Bowyer regained second place in the point standings, and now trails Jeff Gordon by 89 points.
"So many people said changing car numbers and sponsors would have disastrous results," says Bowyer. "But enough about Casey Mears. Let's talk about me."
"I can't lie. I miss driving the No. 07 Jack Daniels car. I was pretty upset last year when I found out I was switching sponsors. I guess you could say I was whiskey 'sour.'"
4. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin, a Virginia native, led 296 of 500 laps at Martinsville, but couldn't hold off the charging Jimmie Johnson late in the race. With 15 to go, Johnson slipped underneath Hamlin's No. 11 Toyota, and, as the two jockeyed for position, Hamlin slid up the track and lost traction. Johnson pulled away while Hamlin settled for second. As Johnson circled in a victory lap, Hamlin fans, or Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fans eager just to toss debris at anyone, peppered the No. 48 car with cans.
"My fans are passionate about racing," says Hamlin. "But not so passionate about recycling, or Lowe's home improvement stores."
"I'm not going to categorize Jimmie's passing maneuver as 'dirty,' but I will say it's one that deserves retribution. I don't know where or when, but there will be payback. You can quote me on that, and call it a 'FedEx Priority.'"
5. Tony Stewart — Stewart registered his first top-five finish of the year, and first for Stewart-Haas Racing, as the No. 14 Office Depot/Old Spice Chevrolet finished just behind the Jimmie Johnson/Denny Hamlin first-place battle. Teammate Ryan Newman finished sixth, making Sunday the most successful day in the short history of Stewart-Haas Racing.
"It's especially satisfying at Martinsville this year," says Stewart. "As you know, the track is shaped like a paper clip, which makes the people at Office Depot happy. And, you cold say the track is shaped like a stick of deodorant, which makes our sponsor Old Spice happy. Finally, the .526 mile track is shaped like a Twinkie, which makes me happy."
6. Kyle Busch — After Bristol-whipping the field two weeks ago, Busch fired blanks at Martinsville's half-mile track, suffering several incidents that left him well out of contention. Busch first caused a spin with Scott Speed, and later was penalized for speeding on pit lane. Finally, a blown tire on lap 204 cost him another lap, and he finished the day 24th, two laps down.
"After winning in the Snickers car at 'Thunder Valley' last week," says Busch, "you could call me 'Chocolate Thunder.' But that moniker really didn't fit me at Martinsville, not only because I finished two laps down, but because I'm as pale as an unsponsored car. Heck, I'm so pale, even white people call me 'The Great White Hope.'"
"The last two races have been a microcosm of my entire year. A great result followed by a terrible result. From one week to the next, the outcomes have been 'polar opposites.' I assume it's okay to use the properties of magnetism in a sentence, just not in a car."
7. Kurt Busch — Busch battled a tight car for the duration of the Goody's Fast Pain Relief 500, as numerous adjustment attempts proved fruitless. Busch kept the car out of trouble and on the lead lap, and the No. 2 Miller Lite team escaped with an 18th-place finish. Busch dropped one spot in the points to third, and is now 132 out of first.
"The Busch brothers winning streak came to a screeching halt," says Busch. "That's very disheartening. What's even more depressing? Kyle is considered the 'good-looking Busch.'"
"Now, it's on to Texas, a 1.5-mile oval much to my liking. As they say there, 'Everything's bigger in Texas.' That reminds me a what Kyle used to say about me — 'Nothing's bigger on Kurt, except his ears.'"
8. Carl Edwards — Edwards was well on his way to a top-five finish when contact with the No. 00 Toyota of David Reutimann cut the left rear tire of Edwards' No. 99 Ford Fusion. With no choice but to pit under green, Edwards lost two laps, and was unable to dig himself out of that hole, and finished 26th. He dropped three places to eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"Except for Matt Kenseth's two wins this year," says Edwards, "this team has struggled. What this team needs is some team unity and a wake-up call. Therefore, I suggest we, as a team, head on over to Kevin Harvick's Nationwide garage and talk a little trash. I think a firm slam on a car hood will do us all some good."
"But I expect a full turnaround at Texas Motor Speedway. Roush Fenway cars always run well there, and I swept the 2008 races. Hey, enough talk about 'tax evasion.' It's time for a 'Tex. Invasion.'"
9. Kevin Harvick — Harvick finished a solid 11th in the Goody's Fast pain Relief 500, managing intermittent handling issues throughout the day that prevented the No. 29 Shell-Pennzoil Chevy from making a run to the front. Harvick moved up two places in the points to tenth, 245 out of first.
"I would have liked a better finish on Sunday," says Harvick, "but winning the truck race on Monday more than compensated for the disappointment. Especially since Ron Hornaday, Jr. finished second, giving Kevin Harvick Incorporated a 1-2 finish. We were fast out there today. It's a known fact that if you put a KHI driver behind the wheel, he's going to find 'speed,' whether on the track or in a deserted parking lot."
10. David Reutimann — Reutimann was poised for a top-10 finish until a spin initiated by David Stremme cost him several spots. Reutimann finished 20th, and remained 11th in the Sprint Cup point standings.
"I went looking for Stremme after the race," says an angry Reutimann, "but I couldn't find him. Like most Penske drivers, he's good at 'evasion.'"
"Anyway, I'm steaming mad that he wrecked me. I guess you could say that 'the 'Reut,' the 'Reut,' 'the 'Reut' is on fire.'"
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