Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth won his second consecutive race, taking charge late and holding off Jeff Gordon to win the Auto Club 500 in Fontana. In leading a race-high 84 laps, Kenseth became the first driver to start the season with two wins since Gordon triumphed twice to begin 1997.
"I guess duplicating Gordon's feat puts me in 'fast company,'" says Kenseth. "And 'fast company' is better than 'fist company,' which is what you call being around an angry Carl Edwards. Who's the big shot now, Carl? The only time you'll raise a hand to me now is when you want to ask me a question."
"As for Gordon, it's always cool to be compared to a four-time Cup champion, although the last time I was this close to Gordon, he shoved me into next week at Bristol in 2006."
2. Jeff Gordon — Gordon led entering the final pit stops in Fontana, but Matt Kenseth won the race out and led the final 37 laps to deny Gordon the win. Gordon shadowed Kenseth in the closing laps, but was unable to get close enough to attempt a pass. Gordon's winless streak now stands at 43 races, but two successful runs to start the season point to an end of that streak.
"We lost this race in the pits," says Gordon. "You know, there was a time when the 'Rainbow Warriors' set the standard for remarkably fast pit stops, as well as outlandishly garish uniforms. Now, the only thing 'colorful' about them is the language I used to berate them. I told my crew they couldn't hold the jock straps of Matt Kenseth's 'Killer B's' pit crew. In NASCAR terms, my guys couldn't 'lug their nuts.'
3. Kyle Busch — Busch swept the Camping World Truck and Nationwide races on Saturday, and became the only driver to win two races in any of NASCAR's top three series on the same day. His quest for the trifecta fell short, although his third in the Auto Club 500 was quite welcome after his 41st in the Daytona 500.
"Dale Earnhardt, Jr. said he felt bad for 80% of the drivers that were involved in his wreck at Daytona," says Busch. "The other 20%, he could care less about. I'd just like to know in which category I stand. I'm guessing I'm in the 'minority report.'"
"But that's okay. I understand the pressure Junior's under to live up to the accomplishments of a more famous relative. I've been there. There was a time when I worried that I would never win a Sprint Cup championship like my brother Kurt. Now, I don't even worry about it. I've found success on my own terms. Kurt and I have both found our niches in this sport. I've beaten nearly every competitor I've faced, while Kurt's been beaten by nearly everyone. That's why I'm surprised Kurt's first name is abbreviated as 'Ku.,' instead of 'Ko.'"
4. Tony Stewart — Stewart matched his Daytona 500 result with an eighth in Fontana, a track that is traditionally not a Stewart favorite. The Stewart-Haas Racing owner/driver is fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 91 behind Matt Kenseth.
"To all those pessimists who thought I wouldn't be competitive this early," says Stewart, "I've just got one thing to say: 'Stewart Ha!'"
"Now, if you would have told me three months ago that I'd start the season with two top-10s, I would have said, 'Heck, let's celebrate!' and invited you to my hauler for a drink or two, provided you passed inspection, which usually involves a look under the hood and a few yes/no questions, of which I don't take 'no' for an answer."
5. Carl Edwards — After sub-par practice and qualifying sessions, Edwards and the No. 99 Aflac team knew a win in Fontana was unlikely, but the team made the necessary adjustments to capture a seventh-place finish.
"We just couldn't get the car where we wanted it," says Edwards. "You could say we were 'missing something,' although, for this team, that usually makes us go faster, not slower."
"But we'll gladly head to Las Vegas, where we won the spring race last year with a little help from a missing oil lid, a regrettable incident that has followed me since. So I guess the old saying 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' is not true in my case."
6. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson started strong on Sunday, leading the first 43 laps at Fontana, and 74 of the first 77, but the No. 48 team's adjustments couldn't keep up with the changing track conditions, and Johnson slipped from contention for the win. Still, he finished a solid ninth for his first top-10 finish of the year.
"After being so fast in practice," says Johnson, "I'm surprised we had such trouble finding speed on Sunday. But, in the end, what can I do, but stroke my well-groomed beard in bewilderment and ask Chad Knaus to make my car faster by any means possible. The great thing about Chad is that even in the midst of difficulty, he's able to find a silver lining. And, in most cases, he can take that silver lining and secretly apply it to a part of the No. 48 car and make it faster. To my knowledge, NASCAR hasn't banned silver linings — yet."
"I'm also somewhat confused by those that say ratings for the Auto Club 500 were hurt because the race went head-to-head for a few hours with ABC's telecast of the Academy Awards. I may be mistaken, but I don't think there's a whole lot of crossover between NASCAR fans and Academy Awards fans. The only 'Oscar' NASCAR fans care about is Oscar Meyer. Maybe on that cold day in Hell when Larry the Cable Guy accepts that lifetime achievement award from the Academy, NASCAR fans will forego a race for the awards ceremony."
7. Greg Biffle — Biffle was running second before a pit road error cost him a chance at the win. As he brought the No. 16 Ford into his it stall on his final pit stop, Biffle slid over the air hose, causing a delay in the pits. The extra time dropped him to 12th, but he fought his way back to fourth by race's end.
"As a native of the white-collar section of a whitebread city like Vancouver, Washington," says Biffle, "I'm quite far removed from what a street pimp would experience in a more hardened city. Until now. That's because, after my pit road mishap, I was left saying the same thing as a pimp — 'damn ho's!'"
8. Kurt Busch — The elder Busch brother finished fifth in the Auto Club 500, completing a solid weekend in which he qualified fourth on Friday and ran up front for most of Sunday. Busch is third in the point standings, 91 behind Matt Kenseth.
"Sure, it's surprising to be ahead of my younger brother in the points at this stage," says Busch. "But is it as surprising as NASCAR's choices to perform pre-race concerts? First, at Daytona, we get Keith Urban. Then, at Fontana, Gavin Rossdale performs his song 'Love Remains the Same,' which is a perfect song to get you in the 'mood,' but not for NASCAR race. What's more amazing? That Rossdale was performing, or that people actually knew the lyrics to his song? These are probably the same people that wear 'Digger gear.' These are also the same people you should kick in the rear for wearing 'Digger gear.' That's why I'm proclaiming the race weekend in Las Vegas as national 'Kick a Person Who's Wearing Digger Gear' weekend."
"As for Rossdale, he's got one good thing working for him — he's the former frontman of a rock band called 'Bush.'"
9. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer finished 19th at Fontana, leading the way in a disappointing day for Richard Childress Racing, as teammates Casey Mears, Jeff Burton, and Kevin Harvick finished 24th, 32nd, and 38th, respectively. Bowyer is sixth in the point standings, 119 out of first.
"NASCAR personalities have lately made themselves prominent on the national stage," says Bowyer. "First, Daytona 500 champ Matt Kenseth made the rounds on the talk show circuit, then my teammate Jeff Burton appeared on General Hospital. I don't want to say Jeff's a bad actor, but he needed an acting coach just to play himself. Just like on the track last Sunday, he was a little 'tight,' but I hear his fluffers made just the right adjustments."
"But that's just the start of the stars of NASCAR going big time. You ain't seen nothing yet. FOX lap-by-lap announcer Mike Joy is set to release an album of fun-loving, positive rap songs under his happy-go-lucky, hip-hop persona of 'Mic Joy.' And, Burton's brother plans to star in a movie about a funny-talking driver who wins the Daytona 500, then does nothing else. The movie is called The Curious Case of Wadd Button."
10. Michael Waltrip — Waltrip followed up his third in Daytona with a 15th at Fontana, following Michael Waltrip Racing teammate David Reutimann across the finish line. Waltrip is seventh in the Sprint Cup point standings, 121 out of first.
"I must say," says Waltrip, "I've had a great start to the season. Daytona was a blast. My 'Speedweeks' were quite memorable, probably more memorable than any of Aaron Fike's 'speedweeks,' which, for him, refers to a three-week heroin binge."
"And look, what do you know, there's another drug scandal in NASCAR. A member of Jeremy Mayfield's team has been suspended for failing a drug test. He was the first person punished under NASCAR's revised drug policy that went into effect this season, a policy which aims to identify drug users before they are nailed by cops in a car with their girlfriend and/or admit publicly to drug use while on the job."
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