* Not only will fuel mileage play a crucial role in races, but hauler drivers will be asked to employ fuel strategy just to move equipment from track to track.
* Joe Gibbs Racing will cut its magnet budget by 100%.
* The season's longest race, the Coca-Cola 600, will be drastically shortened, and, with a slight sponsor change, will then be known as the Coke Zero.
* Fans who enjoy seeing Michael Waltrip in Aaron Rents commercials will be delighted when the new Aaron's advertising campaign debuts, featuring Waltrip's bubbly persona pushing "Aaron's Sells (Off Their Inventory)" and "Aaron's Goes Bankrupt."
* Tony Stewart, relaxing in his hauler after a win in the Shelby 427 at Las Vegas Speedway while trying to recruit local talent for a wild party, will realize that $20 doesn't get you what it used to.
* Teams will justify mid-season firings of underperforming drivers by calling them "layoffs." Reed Sorenson will be laid off twice.
* Winner's purses will dwindle, and at some of the smaller, more budget-tight tracks, the winner's purse will be just that — a purse with some loose change in it. Kurt Busch will be slapped with a purse on three occasions in 2009. On one occasion, he will slap back with a handbag of his own.
* Burnouts and victory laps will be banned, and, as a gas-saving measure, NASCAR will introduce a portable "Victory Circle," fashioned from cardboard and excess SAFER barrier and powered by a Wood Brothers engine.
* Ceremonial fly-overs will cease to be a part of pre-race festivities, and NASCAR will instead direct the fans' attention to the skies above each track, where they promise a large passenger jet is flying somewhere overhead at 30,000 feet.
* Merchandise sales will suffer, and race teams will be forced to utilize incentives to entice fans to buy. While other teams slash prices nearly in half, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s merchandising arm eschews that strategy and instead offers a "buy seven, get one free" deal that loyal yet naïve Junior fans quickly pounce on. However, a commemorative plate depicting Dale, Jr. and Tony Eury, Jr. bickering over the radio fails to sell, and is quickly placed in the clearance section.
* NASCAR will be rocked by an accounting scandal. It will quickly become oddly similar to last year's Mauricia Grant scandal when three male NASCAR accountants expose themselves in response to a comely female IRS agents request for an external audit.
* Carl Edwards and Kevin Harvick will scuffle in Charlotte after they both kneel to pick up the same shiny penny in the garage and bump heads.
* FOX Sports will be stricken by the sub-prime mortgage crisis when the Hollywood Hotel is foreclosed upon due to defaulted payments and is repossessed during a caution on lap 167 at Daytona.
* Dale Earnhardt, Jr. will tender an offer to purchase Teresa Earnhardt's stake in Earnhardt Ganassi Racing. Ultimately, Teresa Earnhardt will decline her stepson's offer for a straight up trade of Junior's Whisky River bar for her shares in the newly-merged team.
* Kyle Busch will win the 2009 Sprint Cup championship, and will graciously accept his trophy, thanking his owner and team, as well as the staff of the Super 8 Hotel on Interstate 95 in New York City, which, due to financial constraints, takes the place of the Waldorf Astoria as site of the 2009 NASCAR Awards Banquet.
January 14, 2009
lyn:
That was the most rediclous pile of “crap” I have ever read.
January 14, 2009
Jeff:
Lyn,
Congratulations! You spelled “crap” right, but not “ridiculous.”
January 15, 2009
Gregory:
Dunno about the Waltrip ads, but Aaron’s isn’t going bankrupt.. in fact, their business is booming because of the recession.