Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson all but secured his third straight Sprint Cup championship with a dominating weekend in Phoenix, winning the pole and leading the most laps on the way to his seventh win of the year. Johnson can clinch the title with a finish of 36th or better at Homestead next week.
"36th? Great," says Johnson. "I've always wanted to be Michael Waltrip for a day. Anyway, it's only fitting that all the talk of concession speeches took place in the home state of Arizona Senator John McCain. Ten speeches down, one to go."
2. Carl Edwards — Edwards finished a strong fourth in Phoenix, but as has become very apparent in the Chase, a solid finish means very little if the driver you're chasing still finishes ahead of you. Edwards needed another off-race from Jimmie Johnson, but Johnson did not oblige, and instead won the race, thereby increasing Edwards' point deficit from 106 to 141.
"Of course we didn't expect to leave Phoenix with the points lead," says Edwards. "But we did hope to make some progress. Ideally, I wanted to at least cut Johnson's 106-point lead in half, which would have given us hope heading to Homestead, not to mention been a good reason to substitute a 'half-gainer' for a back flip."
"But, as long as we're mathematically alive with one race to go, I have to keep my hopes up. It's a long shot, but you never know. I could win the race, and Johnson could be the first car taken out. With David Gilliland in the field, anything's possible."
3. Greg Biffle — Biffle started at the rear of the field after a transmission change on Saturday and made steady progress throughout Sunday's Checker O-Reilly Auto Parts 500. He finished 11th and is now 203 behind Jimmie Johnson in the point standings.
"Is that the 'fat lady' I hear singing?" says Biffle. "Or is that 1980s Canadian super group Loverboy, singing their heavy-on-the-synthesizer smash hit 'When It's Over?' Or, do I hear 'Dandy' Don Meredith crooning 'turn out the lights, the party's over?' In any case, their voices are very clear, because they've been warming up for about four weeks now."
4. Kevin Harvick — Harvick recorded his sixth top-10 finish of the Chase, racing to a seventh in the Checkers O-Reilly Auto Parts 500. He moved up two spots in the points to fifth, and is 328 behind Jimmie Johnson.
"What's the big hoopla about preempting a NASCAR race to show America's Funniest Home Videos?" says Harvick. "Whether it's the Chase for the Cup or AFV, viewers are getting the same thing — something that's 'laughable.'"
5. Jeff Burton — After finishing the last four races outside the top 10, Burton rebounded in Phoenix with a ninth-place finish, his 18th top-10 result of the year. Burton is fourth in the Sprint Cup standings, 269 out of first.
"Jimmie Johnson's third straight championship title will certainly warrant its place in history," says Burton. "And in a year in which politics played such an important role, I think it's only fair that NASCAR bring about some 'change' and establish term limits on NASCAR champions."
6. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer finished 12th in Phoenix for his 16th top-10 finish of the year. He is sixth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 335 out of first.
"Just like in the Sprint Cup series," says Bowyer, "the Nationwide title is coming down to the last race at Homestead. I've got a 56-point lead on Carl Edwards. As of now, the Nationwide championship is in the Richard Childress garage, and I don't thing Edwards has the gall to enter the RCR garage again and put his hands around something that doesn't belong to him."
7. Jeff Gordon — Gordon lost a cylinder on lap 165 while running in the top five in Phoenix, and eventually retired on lap 266, his sixth DNF of the year. Still winless on the year, Gordon fell to seventh in the points, 410 out of first.
"Jimmie Johnson is on the verge of making history," says Gordon. "And he was kind enough to 'make history' of 11 other drivers before he chose to do so for himself. It's that kind of unselfishness that makes Jimmie the champion he is."
8. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth finished 15th in Phoenix, overcoming an early flat tire and ongoing handling issues that left him struggling to stay on the lead lap. With one race to go, Kenseth stands eighth in the points, 470 behind Jimmie Johnson.
"We saw wind, race, and a dust storm in Phoenix," says Kenseth. "It will take nothing short of another act of God for Carl Edwards to have a chance at the Cup title."
9. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt finished sixth in the Checker O'Reilly Auto Parts 500, improving one place in the point standings to tenth, 474 out of first.
"There's four words I always say when I'm down and need a lift," says Earnhardt. "No, not 'Damn you, Tony Eury!' But, 'Wait until next year.'"
10. Tony Stewart — With seven laps to go, Stewart and Matt Kenseth spun in a crash triggered by A.J. Allmendinger, knocking Stewart from a sure top-10 finish. Then, on the final lap, Stewart was collected in another wreck, again involving Kenseth and Allmendinger. Stewart finished 22nd, one lap down, and is now 12th in the point standings, 502 out of first.
"I'm last in the Chase," says Stewart. "From my perspective, I'd much rather see America's Funniest Home Videos than watch a race. Heck, I often preempt some of my sponsor obligations for a quick viewing of Tony Stewart's Naughtiest Hauler Videos Starring Various Women Who Haven't Signed Any Form of a Waiver."
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