Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson avoided the usual pitfalls of a Talladega race, including huge wrecks and flying debris, to finish ninth, well ahead of his closest competitors in the Chase, Carl Edwards and Greg Biffle, who wrecked in the second "big one." Johnson now leads Edwards by 72 points and Biffle by 77.
"On a day like Sunday at Talladega," says Johnson, "it's all about survival. But not necessarily 'survival' of the fittest. Carl Edwards, supposedly the 'fittest' driver among us all, made Talladega his personal demolition ground, while Tony Stewart, who considers being 'in shape' being 'round,' won the race."
"Me? I'm in the same shape I was the last two times I won the Cup — good shape."
2. Greg Biffle — On a lap 174 incident, Biffle got more of a push from Carl Edwards than he needed, and Biffle's No. 16 Ford was sent careening into the oncoming field. Biffle was tagged by Matt Kenseth and in the blink of an eye, Jack Roush's three Chase drivers saw their hopes for victory in pieces. Biffle is now 77 points behind Jimmie Johnson.
"We've become so accustomed all year to giving Carl credit for his accomplishments," says Biffle. "Why stop now? I give him credit for taking out Matt Kenseth and I, as well as several others. It was honorable for him to admit culpability. I'm just dejected that his 'culpability' affects my 'Cup'-ability."
3. Carl Edwards — In an attempt to bump-draft with Greg Biffle on lap 174, Edwards nudged the No. 16 as they entered the turn, sending Biffle sideways and into Matt Kenseth, triggering a huge pileup that took out the Roush Fenway trio as well as three other Chase drivers. Afterwards, Edwards took full blame for the accident that left him 72 points behind Jimmie Johnson in the point standings.
"It's my fault," says Edwards. "I take full responsibility. What's the expression they use on the street these days?"
Ah, "you dumbass?"
"No, not that one. I was thinking of 'my bad.' And this definitely was my 'bad.' But I've made my bed; now I've got to sleep in it. I'm not so upset that I want to crawl under a rock, but I would like to crawl into an open oil lid, should one come available."
4. Jeff Burton — Burton was one of only five Chase drivers to finish on the lead lap in the Amp Energy 500, as Burton deftly avoided the two big wrecks that left many cars in shambles. Burton gained ground on all three drivers ahead of him in the point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 99 points.
"In restrictor plate racing," says Burton. "It's all about patience and concentration, but most of all, it's about luck. That would explain my brother Ward's victory at Daytona in 2002. Ward's been the lucky one of the Burton boys; he got the Daytona 500 win, and he got the cool accent."
5. Tony Stewart — Stewart ended a 43-race winless streak by taking the Amp Energy 500 with a controversial finish in Talladega. Stewart officially led the final 16 laps, but was beaten to the finish line by Regan Smith, who was ruled to have passed Stewart below the yellow line, and Stewart was declared the winner.
"Trust me," says Stewart. "I know what Smith must be feeling. I've been penalized myself for 'crossing the line' on many occasions. I'm proud to raise the 'V' for 'victory' hand gesture for the first time in a long time. The 'V' personifies the confidence and controversy that I evoke in NASCAR circles. I've got the index finger, telling you I'm 'number one,' and the middle finger, telling you you're number one. That's Tony Stewart sign language."
"Now, is it any surprise that NASCAR awarded me the victory? Do they want to deal with the anger and protestations of a rookie, or would they rather deal with a temperamental hot head with a losing streak in a car with a sponsor who's dropping him as an endorser because of his unsavory lifestyle? I think NASCAR knows what's best."
6. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer scored his first top-five finish of the Chase with a fifth in an eventful and crash-filled Amp Energy 500. Bowyer improves two places in the point standings to fifth, 152 out of first.
"It's certainly fitting," says Bowyer, "that the Jack Daniels car finished 'fifth' and is in 'fifth.' Now, I don't condone over-consumption of alcohol, but that had to result in some heavy drinking in the 'Clint Bowyer NASCAR Drinking Game,' of which the home edition is now available on my web site."
7. Kevin Harvick — Like several other Chase drivers, Harvick was victimized in lap 174's "big one," a wreck triggered by Carl Edwards that affected multiple cars and impacted the point standings considerably. Harvick finished 20th, 11 laps down, and dropped to sixth in the points, 171 out of first.
"It's true what they say," says Harvick. "The Talladega race is a 'crapshoot.' Heck, I found myself saying 'crap' and 'shoot,' as well as some other words fit only for Tony Stewart's ears, when I got caught in that big wreck."
8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt's promising day at Talladega ended abruptly when he plowed Matt Kenseth's spinning car in the "big one" on lap 174. Earnhardt had led as late as lap 164 and was gunning for the win, but the damage knocked him out of the race and further back in the standings. He is now in 10th, 249 out of first.
"As is the case in every Chase," says Earnhardt, "the Talladega race is the true 'wildcard' in the Chase. It's too bad that Carl Edwards got to play 'dealer' for half of the Chase field. I guess there's a 'joker' in every deck."
"As for DEI's Regan Smith, he nearly pulled off one of the most improbable Talladega wins in history. To survive 500 miles of dangerous, crash-filled racing and then have the rug pulled from under you has to be heartbreaking. The 'no passing below the yellow line' rule is just as vague as NASCAR's drug policy, and, as always, NASCAR has applied a liberal dose of Grecian Formula to cover up the gray area in their rules."
9. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth was collected in the lap 174 wreck-festival triggered by Carl Edwards bump of Greg Biffle. Biffle's No. 16 Ford was sent directly into the No. 17 of Kenseth, which was then rammed by Dale Earnhardt. Kenseth finished 26th and is now 245 points behind Jimmie Johnson.
"I'm angry," says Kenseth. "In fact, I'm furious. Unfortunately, no one can tell. Carl Edwards offered an olive branch, but I was having none of it. Don't get me wrong. I would have accepted an apology, but I mistook his olive branch as a threat that he was going to 'beat me with a stick.'"
10. Jeff Gordon — While trying to avoid the spinning car of David Reutimann, who had cut a tire, Gordon slammed the wall on lap 53, severely damaging his No. 24 DuPont Chevrolet, and all but terminating his title hopes. Gordon finished 38th, and his fifth "DNF" of the year is by far the most of all Chase drivers.
"As I proved last week in Kansas," says Gordon. "It's a lot tougher driving a car that is a wreck than driving a car when you're a wreck."
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