NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 5

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Tennessee @ Baltimore (+3)

In a battle of former AFC Central foes, the resurgent Ravens host the undefeated and AFC South-leading Titans. While much has changed since the two rivals slugged it out in the Central, Sunday's contest promises the same intensity and emotion.

"Ah, the good old days," says Jeff Fisher. "When I had a black quarterback with only a fragile body, not a fragile psyche. I remember those battles with Baltimore well. Steve McNair running and throwing, and Tony Siragussa making holes in offensive lines disappear. Times have changed, though. McNair's retired, and Siragussa's only making holes in donuts disappear. But the Ravens still have Ray Lewis, so I still consider them hostile."

Lewis is still the leader of the Baltimore defense, which has been dominant so far this year. As the citizens of Baltimore know, a dominant Ravens defense is as much a part of Baltimore lore as Edgar Allan Poe, John Waters, the Inner Harbor, and Bert Jones.

"Look, man," says Lewis. "None of that means anything to me right now. As far as I'm concerned, the 'House of Usher' is nothing more than an episode of 'MTV Cribs.' If you want to quoth a Raven, talk to me. Poe was a junkie who knew nothing about football. And I'm talking about the Teletubbie, not the writer."

With such a physical contest on tap, you can count on several analysts citing the key to victory as the team best able to "impose their will" upon the other. And look. The NFL Network's Brian Baldinger just said it. Of course, he was talking to his makeup artist at the time, but to each his own. Anyway, there will be big hits, a lot of trash talking, and and endless supply of egotistical boasts. But Ray Lewis isn't the only player in this game. Referee Ed Hochuli stops the game on cuts with 2:01 remaining in the fourth quarter, and Tennessee wins 19-17 via TKO.

Chicago @ Detroit (+3)

Upon Matt Millen's firing last week as president of the Detroit organization, Lions employees observed a brief moment of silence, followed by a few grunts, then a collective flush of all toilets in the Ford Field compound. And with that, Millen's tenure in Detroit ended, mercifully, as Millen thumbed a ride out of 'No Mo'-town while tearfully acknowledging the standing 'go'-vation he received from the city's 1,000,000 residents.

"I pains me to see a good man go," says Detroit head coach Rod Marinelli. "Show me a good man and I'll show you pain. I met with the Ford family, and they assured me my job was safe, even though Millen hired me, and were kind enough to explain domino theory to me. Heck, I don't even play dominos."

The Bears used a goal line stand to preserve a 24-20 win over Philadelphia, stuffing the Eagles from the one-yard line to deny the Eagles and finally hold on to a fourth quarter lead. They'll look to pin a loss on the new Millen-less regime in Detroit.

"I think I speak for the other 31 teams in the league when I say it's sad to see Millen go," says Brian Urlacher, who walks with a condition known as 'Old Spice Swagger,' a painful affliction resulting from an intimate relationship with Paris Hilton. "The job of a general manager is to make a team better. I'd say Millen's succeeded in that respect, because when he was with the Lions, he made all the other teams better."

These days, in takes less than a whip and a stool to tame the Lions. In fact, I bet two effeminate, sequin-wearing Las Vegas pansy showmen could do it. But will the Lions, fresh off a bye week and free of the Millen burden, be eager to prove that their season can be turned around? Jon Kitna thinks so, and he's guaranteeing a Detroit win on Sunday.

"I guarantee the Red Wings will beat Buffalo in their preseason finale," says Kitna.

Detroit races to a 14-0 lead and hold on to win, 26-24.

Atlanta @ Green Bay

Was Brett Favre's 6-touchdown day last Sunday a not-so-subtle message to the Packers that, maybe, just maybe, Favre is just a bit more of a quarterback than Aaron Rodgers? While Rodgers was tossing 3 interceptions and suffering a sprained shoulder in the Pack's 30-21 loss in Tampa, Favre was setting a personal and a Jets records in the Meadowlands.

"I'm glad to hear that Rodgers' shoulder is just sprained," says Favre. "I know the Packers are already dealing with a case of 'separation anxiety,' and a separated shoulder would have just compounded that issue. Were I still in Green Bay, you can best believe there'd be no doubts that I was starting. Do you know what I call a 'sprained shoulder?' A 'throwing arm.'"

"Rodgers has no concept of a 258-game consecutive starts streak. And he really has no idea of Packers history, or Milwaukee professional sports, in general. Heck, he thinks 'Rollie Fingers' is coin-operated, cheap hotel massage device."

The last time the Falcons played in Green Bay, Michael Vick led Atlanta to a 27-7 playoff upset in 2003, the Packers' first playoff loss ever on Lambeau Field soil. This time, it's up to rookie Matt Ryan to lead the Falcons to the upset.

"That game has nothing to do with our upcoming visit to Green Bay," says Ryan. "I say, 'Let sleeping dogs lie.' That was a great day for Vick, and luckily he's got plenty of time to reflect on that glorious day. Me? I'm preparing myself for whatever the Packers bring. I'm expecting a lot of disguised coverages, and blind-side blitzes. Like an incarcerated Vick, I'll be warily looking over my shoulder. Luckily for me, it won't be in a shower at a correctional facility."

Packers win, 29-19.

Seattle @ NY Giants (-9½)

Everybody knows a Chunky Soup endorsement deal is for amateurs. Just ask Matt Hasselbeck. No longer pushing soup cans for Campbell's, Hasselbeck has recently hit the big-time, becoming a paid endorser for travel broker Expedia. Not quite a gig fit for a Manning brother, but for Hasselbeck's small-time endeavors, the Expedia deal serves him well.

"Hey, I Sea-'hawk'-ed soup for long enough," says Hasselbeck. "It was a good situation for me at the time, but I had to say 'bye' when they told me I'd have to share billing with Edna McNabb. Now, it's time for me to spread my wings in the endorsement field and hopefully, one day, reach the level of exposure enjoyed by the Mannings. Honestly, I don't see what the Manning fellows have that I don't, besides Super Bowl rings and hair."

The Giants will be without wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who was suspended for one game for missing a team meeting, a direct violation of Tom Coughlin's team rules. Burress claimed the absence was for a "personal" issue. Whether or not that was related to the two restraining orders filed against Burress by his wife this summer, no one knows for sure.

"Look, if Plaxico really needed to go harass someone," says Tom Coughlin, "then that's not really a legitimate 'personal issue.' Maybe it is in Cincinnati, but not here. There will be disagreements in football as well as family life. I'm guessing this is a 'who da baby daddy?' issue, which I believe is explained in our handbook as an 'illegitimate' personal issue."

Giants win, 27-13.

Washington @ Philadelphia (-6)

After Sunday night's 24-20 loss in Chicago, the Eagles fell to 2-2, good for last place in the NFC East, but adjusted for the suckiness of the rest of the NFC Conference, that translates into the division lead in any of the other three divisions. In fact, it's almost good enough to clinch the NFC West four weeks into the season. With the red-hot Redskins coming to town, the Eagles desperately need a win to avoid any more of a division deficit, which would include an 0-2 division hole should they lose to the 'Skins.

"With our two losses coming on the road," says Donovan McNabb, "it will be nice to play at home, where we're 2-0 this year, and 2-0 against the spread, and 2-0 in games in which I did not vomit on the field. I'm not one to regurgitate endless statistics, so I won't bore you with details. We're ready, the city is ready, and the stadium is ready. All hot dogs resembling bombs have been detonated, and the Philly Phanatic is on the Lincoln Financial Field terrorist watch list."

After many questioned Jim Zorn's coaching ability after their season-opening loss to the Giants, Washington has won three in a row, and now, no one's questioning Zorn's coaching acumen. It's given the first-year head coach a sense of pride, and he now wakes up every morning with a powerful sense of accomplishment.

"Yeah, I wake up every morning with 'Zorning' wood," says Zorn. "From there, it's 'rise and shine.' Everything's looking 'up' for me. Even Super Bowl XLIII's halftime entertainment. Then, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will take the stage. If we make it to the big game, you can best believe the Boss will sing his modified classic staple 'Zorn in the USA.' I've got my Redskins cap in the back pocket of my blue jeans right now."

McNabb out-duels Jason Campbell, and Andy Reid gets jiggy with it. Philadelphia wins, 27-24.

Indianapolis @ Houston (+3)

Two weeks after facing then winless division foe Jacksonville, the Colts get another shot at another AFC South team in search of a victory. This time, it's the Houston Texans, who finally get a home game after Hurricane Ike postponed their Week 2 home date. The Texans, particularly quarterback Matt Schaub, made great strides last week in nearly upsetting Jacksonville. With the Colts still suffering injury issues, and the Texans improving, with a much-awaited home game, are the Colts ripe for the picking?

"Ripe for the picking?" says Manning. "Metaphorically speaking, I could answer that question with a nifty little anecdote about Johnny Appleseed, or I could audible into a story about a three-year-old mining for gold up his left nostril. Look, it's no time to panic. Show me Tom Brady on a snowy afternoon in January in Foxboro, then I'll panic."

"If it were time to panic, we surely wouldn't be able to tell by the tone of Tony Dungy's voice. That man reads the riot act in the same voice with which he reads scripture, sometimes with even fewer curse words. He does recite a smooth 23rd Psalms, though. For now, we just have to keep this ship afloat while we get healthy, and for the guys having surgery, all I can do is lend them my support. If that involves hovering over the operating table chanting 'Cut that meat! Cut that meat!', then so be it."

The Colts are coming off their bye week, and, statistically speaking, they've won some and lost some after their bye weeks. You can't argue with statistics, can you? Manning hits Reggie Wayne for two scores, and the Colts defense registers a solid outing. Colts win, 30-23.

Kansas City @ Carolina (-10)

It was certainly a touching gesture when Steve Smith, after scoring on a 56-yard touchdown pass in Carolina's 24-9 win over Atlanta, sprinted to the sidelines and presented the ball to Ken Lucas, whom Smith had decked during a preseason practice earlier in the year. Lucas graciously accepted.

"Steve's outbursts have given him a bum rap," says Jake Delhomme. "Often, his kindness is overlooked. In fact, he's quite likely to do something that we'd all consider 'touching.' The question is, though, how hard is he going to 'touch' you. Ken was really moved by Steve's gesture. Steve's got a special way about him that almost always brings tears to Ken's eyes."

The Chiefs and Herman Edwards won for the first time, manhandling the Broncos 33-19 with a defense that stifled Denver's big-play offense and held strong in the red zone. They'll need a similar effort against Carolina and Smith's big play capabilities.

"I understand the Panthers have an issue with penalties," says Edwards. "What team hasn't said that after a game refereed by Ed Hochuli? That roughing the passer call against Julius Peppers was just awful. I'm not sure how that call benefitted the Denver Broncos, but it had to have somehow. Hochuli's days as the most respected referee in the NFL may be nearing the end, but he still is and forever will be a force to be reckoned with on the 'over 50' arm-wrestling circuit."

"As for the Panthers, we'll definitely try to bait them into false start penalties. It's not hard at all. Rumor has it that on team picture day, it took the photographer two hours to get a single shot of the offensive line. It seems the Carolina offensive line had trouble heeding the photographers pleas to 'hold still.'"

The Chiefs have the athletes at the skill positions to challenge the Carolina defense. Damon Huard will have to get the ball to Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne Bowe early to keep the Panther safeties clear of Larry Johnson's runs. But Carolina has the true difference-maker in Smith. Smith scores on a 24-yard pass from Jake Delhomme in the third quarter, then races to the sidelines and proposes to Lucas. Carolina wins, 24-17.

San Diego @ Miami (+7)

With a win against the Chargers, Miami can complete the sweep of finalists from the AFC championship of last year, having already dismissed the Patriots two weeks ago. Head coach Tony Sparano won his first game as an NFL head coach in spectacular fashion, whipping the Pats 38-13 with several ingenious utilizations of the "single wing" formation, a ploy thought by most to be ancient and useless in today's game.

"I'll tell you what," says Sparano, who likes to compliment his players with shouts of 'Good, fella.' "The single-wing may be dated, but it's reliable, and it works every time. Just like an ice-pick to the temple. Sure, there were some doubts from the players about running the single wing. Probably the most telling comment came from Ricky Williams, who, in what had to be a first, asked me what I was smoking?"

The Chargers have won two straight after digging themselves an 0-2 hole to start the season. Last week, San Diego overcame a 15-0 deficit and scored 25 points in the fourth quarter to beat the Raiders in the Black Hole.

"Most importantly," says Norv Turner, "we're 2-1 in games not refereed by Ed Hochuli. I see he was at it again in Carolina, blowing another call. This time, it cost the Panthers seven points. You know, I haven't seen this kind of robbery from a character in black and white stripes since the Hamburgler wiped out the entire supply of McDonald's hamburgers back in 1996."

What's the secret to defending the single wing? Double penetration, of course. The Chargers load up the box when Ronnie Brown is alone in the backfield, forcing him to audible to another play. Brown burns three timeouts on the Fins first possession, and Sparano is forced to play a quarterback. Antonio Cromartie returns a fumble 167 yards, officially only 35, and the Chargers win, 26-20.

Tampa Bay @ Denver (-3½)

The Broncos' mile-high expectations took an elevated tumble last week, as Denver fell for the first time, losing to the Chiefs 33-19. In that game, Denver was exposed as a team with one of the weakest defenses in the league, surrendering 29 points a game. Up next for the Broncos are the Bucs, with former Bronco Brian Griese at quarterback, and head coach John Gruden, who made several visits to Invesco Field while coaching the Raiders.

"The air up there will leave you gasping for breath," says Gruden. "No, it's not the altitude; it's the smell of Mike Shanahan's flesh cooking to medium-well. Yikes! Shanny could be the leader of his own one-man traveling percussion ensemble called the 'Orange Man Group.' A few moderately severe bruises and Shanahan would naturally represent the colors of the Broncos."

"In all seriousness, our fortunes rest on getting pressure on Jay Cutler, the diabetic poster boy we like to call the 'Insulin Chump.' If we give him all day to throw, we're in trouble. And if the ball falls out of his hand and we recover it, we're in even more trouble."

At kickoff, Gruden is stunned when he scans the crowd at Invesco and, in addition to the usual Cutler, Champ Bailey, and Brandon Marshall jerseys, he sees the number of those jerseys dwarfed by the thousands of fans donning Ed Hochuli No. 85 referee shirts.

"Something is rotten in Denver," laments Gruden.

Cutler throws for two scores, Shanahan gloats, and Gruden sneers. Denver wins, 27-21.

Buffalo @ Arizona (Pick)

The undefeated Bills are 4-0 and leading the AFC East as they prepare to head west to face the Cardinals. Possibly the biggest surprise of the young season, the Bills could head into their bye week at 5-0 with a win against the Cardinals, who have lost two straight.

"We really burst onto the scene," says quarterback Trent Edwards, "and surprised everyone. Kind of like O.J. Simpson at a casino memorabilia show. Exactly what was the Juice trying to retrieve? Dignity? Respect? A free coupon to the casino buffet? Shouldn't the NFL's personal conduct policy apply to former players, as well? I think it would be just dandy if the Juice somehow expired in a horrible accident triggered by a Leslie Nielsen pratfall."

The Cardinals are reeling after two straight losses, the latest a 56-35 drubbing by the Jets in the Meadowlands. After a promising 2-0 start, Arizona has tumbled back to mediocrity, with the undefeated Bills next on the docket.

"Of course, we didn't think we'd go the entire season without mentioning the 'L' word," says Kurt Warner. "Heck, Matt Leinart can't go two hours without mentioning the 'L' word, especially when they're double-stacked in the hot tub making out. I'm referring to lesbians, the hot ones, of course. Matt's made an open offer to Sarah Palin to come try and 'pray away the gay' out of them. I think it's preposterous, but whatever it takes to get Matt into church, I'm all for it."

Warner had seven turnovers, all by himself, last week against the Jets. The Bills won't even need half that many. Buffalo wins, 30-24.

New England @ San Francisco (+3)

With a bye week under their belts, is there any reason to think New England won't be well-prepared for the 49ers, with thoughts of the Pats 38-13 loss to Miami in Week 3 erased from their memories? Bill Belichick has had a full two weeks to come to terms with being outsmarted by Tony Sparano, and Belichick has even implemented a few plays utilizing the "single wing" formation that Miami used to beat the Pats.

"I'm man enough to say I was out-coached," says Belichick. "But only man enough to say it, and not to really believe it. Actually, we had a breakdown in our scouting procedures. I was provided with no video footage of the Dolphins practicing the single wing. However, I had hours upon hours of video showing Sparano bribing city officials, whacking snitches, and eating pasta. Intriguing, but not the work of a true auteur, like Matt Walsh."

It's an emotional day in San Francisco, as the 49ers retire the No. 8 jersey of quarterback Steve Young in a ceremony attended by several former 49er players and San Fran dignitaries. Conspicuously absent, though, is 49er great Joe Montana, who refuses to attend due to a dispute over a $25,000 appearance fee, which 49ers officials refused to pay, and an unreasonably demanding rider, in which Montana requested caviar, French bottled water, chateaubriand, an 8x10 glossy of Dwight Clark, and the preserved tip of Ronnie Lott's amputated pinky finger. New England wins, 24-17.

Cincinnati @ Dallas (-17½)

Two of the most perplexing wide receivers in the NFL, Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens, will be on display as the Cowboys look to bounce back from last week's 26-24 loss to the Redskins. Owens had the gall to say he wasn't "involved," even though Tony Romo threw 17 of his 47 passes in T.O.'s direction, many of which were dropped.

"Hey, I can understand what T.O.'s saying," says Romo. "Shoot, I wish he'd 'catch' more balls also. I hope he realizes that we can't run this offense through him, be we can ruin this offense through him, by simply adding an 'I' to 'run,' a letter with which T.O. is highly familiar. T.O. still believes that there is an 'I' in 'team' despite all the cliché-spouting buffoons who say otherwise. I know this: there is a 'loser' in 'Terrell Owens,' and if he doesn't straighten up, he'll soon find Jessica Simpson wearing a pink-numbered Owens jersey."

For the 0-4 Bengals, a stunning win in Dallas would certainly be a positive in what has been a season of negatives so far. An upset is unlikely, but that doesn't stop the Bengals from going all out. Chris Henry is back on the roster after serving his four-game suspension, and Cincy signed former Chicago running back Cedric Benson to shore up their running game.

"Both of those guys are under strict orders not to share rides, guns, or bottles," says Marvin Lewis.

Dallas, still stinging from the Washington defeat, and cheered on by their newest fan, Clay Aiken, who finally admitted that he's 'always liked the 'Boys,' jump on the Bengals quickly, as Marion Barber pounds it in from the one on the Cowboys' first drive. Owens is split wide on the extra point, as Wade Phillips and Jerry Jones share a chuckle about getting Owens "more involved." Dallas wins, 34-21.

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville (-3)

What did Ben Roethlisberger says to his teammates at halftime, spurring them to a 23-20 overtime win over the Ravens last Monday?

"I'd been sacked so many times in the first half," says Roethlisberger, "I figured if my ears were gonna be ringing, their's should be, too. Trust me, when they arrived in the locker room, I didn't give them an 'Immaculate Reception.' It was a fairly mean-spirited and expletive-filled reception, Bobby Knight-like, if you will, with a few chair tosses and head butts. I even assaulted a Puerto Rican cop who was there providing security."

Like the Steelers, the Jags used the right leg of their kicker to win in overtime last week. Kicker Josh Scobee, for the second week in a row, kicked the game-winning field goal. Head coach Jack Del Rio, known in the Jacksonville area swingers community as "Rio Grande," knows the Sunday night game will likely be decided by a late field goal.

"Hey, the game has evolved," says Del Rio. "When I played high school football, every team had their goofiest offensive lineman kicking off, usually resulting in a 20-yard floater with more action than a Tim Wakefield knuckleball. Now, you've got 180-pound choir boys booming 50-yard field goals with room to spare. Josh Scobee can't weigh more than 185 soaking wet, and 190 with the ice water in his veins, which luckily isn't a violation of NFL drug policy. Scobee's got a drop-dead leg, and a pretty smile to boot. I think we'll see a lot of leg Sunday night, especially at the juice bar."

The Steelers lost four starters in their Monday night game against Baltimore. That physical ramifications of that game will still be taking their toll. Jacksonville wins, 22-17.

Minnesota @ New Orleans (-3)

Off to a 1-3 start, the Vikings have been doing very little raiding and pillaging, averaging only 18 points per game. Four turnovers last week doomed them in Tennessee, and the Vikes, pegged by many as dark horse Super Bowl contenders in the preseason, now will have to struggle to go 8-8.

"I think Leif Erikson, probably the most famous Viking, would be disappointed," says Vikings running back Adrian Peterson. "Not in our performance so far, but because he and his fellow Vikings never partied on a boat like the football Vikings are known to do. But, like those Nordic fellows after which we were nicknamed, if you put a football Viking on a boat, he's bound to get wind in his sail."

"All sexual references aside, this is another 'must-win' game for us, and so far this year, we're 1-2 in those games. 1-3 is nothing to worry about, especially when the division leaders stand at 2-2. We've got to go into New Orleans with an attitude, and run the ball like our season depended on it, which it does."

And run the ball you can against the Saints. The New Orleans defense gives up 5.2 yards per rush, nearly the worst in the league.

"That's unacceptable," says Sean Payton. "Anytime your defensive yards per rush average is higher than the age of a gold medal-winning Chinese gymnast, then you've got problems. I think born-on-the-bayou rock god John Fogerty said it best when he sang, 'And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the run?' In our case, I think the best defense is a good offense."

The Vikes have to have this one, and I think this is the game in which Peterson finally explodes. Hopefully, not literally.

Minnesota wins, 30-27.