NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 3

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Arizona @ Washington (-3)

Excitement is high in Arizona, with the Cardinals off to their first 2-0 start since 1991, and Arizona senator John McCain making a run for the presidency. Kurt Warner, with 4 touchdowns and over 500 yards passing, is a fantasy football darling, while the elderly McCain's candidacy, with the addition of pit-bullish soccer mom/eye candy Sarah Palin as his running mate, is now a darling with the father/daughter demographic. Sunday, the Cards will seek win number three in Washington, while the 'Skins will look for their second home win.

"If I'm not mistaken," says Warner, "I do believe there are already lipstick-wearing pigs in Washington. Don't those fans in the Capitol still dress up like pigs in dresses, in honor of the Hogs, from the glory days of Washington football, when the 'Skins had an owner who knew how to put together a Super Bowl champion? As far as the election goes, I'm like the typical voter — I want to see more bipartisanship in the Capitol. Matt Leinart agrees. He's on record saying he has no problem with bipartisans as long as they're really hot."

Arizona's two big receivers, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, present matchup problems for any defense. Boldin may be the strongest receivers in the NFL, and Fitzgerald combines great leaping ability with exceptional hands. And those are Coors Light Cold Hard Facts, straight from the mouth of Trey Wingo, whose name still sends Jerry Stackhouse into hysterics. Anyway, you can't stop Boldin and Fitzgerald, but you can stop Warner, by flushing him from the pocket and making him throw on the run. The key is to make Warner uncomfortable, and that's one way to do it. The other? Blasphemy and/or heresy.

The night before Sunday's game, Warner stumbles upon video on YouTube showing Washington tight end Chris Cooley reading the Bible in the nude. With that disturbing image burned into his mind, Warner is sacked four times on Sunday, and Jason Campbell throws for 277 yards and 2 touchdowns. Washington wins, 27-23.

Carolina @ Minnesota (-3)

After a cheap elbow to the noggin' of Jake Delhomme last week, the Panthers got fired up and scored 17 unanswered points to beat the Bears, 20-17. Delhomme took a shot from Bears safety Brandon McGowan, an infraction that went unnoticed by the officiating crew. Uninspired up until that point, the Panthers shutdown the Chicago offense and kicked their power running game into high gear, as rookie Jonathan Stewart scored twice thereafter.

"I think we've served notice to opponents that they don't want to slug it out with us," says Delhomme, who likes his rice dirty, but not his defenders. "We've battled two physical teams, the Chargers and Bears, and have come out on top. And it only gets better for us with the return of Steve Smith, a physical player in his own right with a slugging percentage of 1.000. Now, we just have to make sure Steve realizes that a 'down and out' is a pass route and not the way you leave a teammate after a disagreement."

The Vikes blew a 15-0 lead to Indianapolis, losing 18-15, and now face an 0-3 hole should they lose to the Panthers. The Minnesota troubles are not because of a lack of running game, as Adrian Peterson is averaging 131 yards a game. It's their rushing defense that's the problem. What's the problem? The rush defense is almost too stingy for its own good. Opponents quickly realize that they can't run on the Vikings, so they decide to pass, with more successful results.

"That could be a real problem with Steve Smith in the mix," says Darren Sharper. "We've got the advance scouting report on Smith, and, if there's one thing to remember, it's keep your helmet on. It's important that I tell my cohorts in the defensive backfield that you can't make the same mistake that Ken Lucas did and turn your back on Smith."

Desperate for a win, Vikings officials plan to throw a huge pep rally for the team. But the gesture backfires when Vikings players, accustomed to using the words "Fan Jam" as a verb and not a noun, show up at Lake Minnetonka in Speedos expecting a romp in the water. Their disappointment is matched by the fans, who watch as the Vikings fall to 0-3 after a 23-21 loss to the Panthers.

Cincinnati @ NY Giants (-11)

Hey, what do Marvin Lewis as coach and "Chad Johnson" jerseys have in common? They're both soon to be obsolete. The Bengals are off to a dismal 0-2 start, and now must face the defending Super Bowl champions in Giants Stadium. Johnson has to buy all of Reebok's remaining "C. Johnson" jerseys before the "Ocho Cinco" jerseys are made available.

"The I can guarantee you those 'C. Johnson' jerseys will be selling like hotcakes," says Johnson. "The 'Ocho Cinco' jerseys should be on the market by the time we arrive at the Meadowlands, which, ironically, is in New Jersey. But let's keep name changes in perspective. Changing my last name to 'Ocho Cinco' is nothing compared to almost selling the naming rights to Giants Stadium to Allianz, a corporation with ties to Nazis."

"They couldn't fire me soon enough," counters Lewis, fondly recalling his days as the Baltimore defensive coordinator, when players knew their roles and shut their mouths. "In fact, I should be fired. Not necessarily for my coaching, but for my refusal to trade Johnson this offseason when he was begging to get out of here. This jersey fiasco is nothing but a distraction. Who wants a 'C. Johnson' jersey anyway? It's passé. The same goes for the 'Ocho Cinco' jersey. Talk about a 're-tired' jersey."

The G-Men are rolling along smoothly at 2-0, and the Bungles shouldn't present much of a fight, unless it's in a nightclub after the game with police called to restore order. Eli Manning, as well as brother Peyton, have never been tempted by the appeal of bars, nightlife, and skeezers.

"That's just not our thing," says Manning. "Peyton and I like to follow the wholesome example of the Jonas Brothers, who lead a Christian life guided by the forces of their purity rings, despite being tempted by the unholy excesses of the tweener music business. Peyton and I take that attitude one step further — we answer to our own purity rings, and we're both married."

The Giants rush for 160 yards, and Plaxico Burress has two touchdown catches. Giants win, 33-24.

Kansas City @ Atlanta (-4)

Is L.J. PO'ed in KC? After gaining only 22 yards on 12 carries in a 23-8 loss to the Chiefs, a frustrated Larry Johnson hinted that he won't be a Chief much longer. Head coach Herman Edwards insisted he felt Johnson's anguish, and reiterated that he was just "playing to win the game," although the 75,000 people at Arrowhead Stadium last Sunday saw very little evidence of that.

"I understand Larry's frustration," says Herman Edwards. "He must be feeling the same level of frustration as a coach dealing with a running back averaging 1.833 yards per carry. Do the math, Larry. If you want a piece of the pie, then you've got to be able to rush for at least a few yards per carry."

The Falcons were brought back down to earth with a thud in a 24-9 loss in Tampa, where coach Mike Smith watched as Michael Turner was held to 42 yards on the ground after 220 against the Lions. The dejected duo then had to stomach a press conference dubbed "Mike and Mike in Mourning" by some jokesters in the Tampa media. But brighter days are ahead for the Falcons, who will face a Chiefs defense that surrendered 300 yards on the ground to the Raiders.

"Wow! That's almost the length of three football fields," says Turner, who, despite being with another team, still insists he's ready to go if LaDainian Tomlinson needs a blow. "The Chiefs rush defense is so bad, they probably gave that up on one drive."

Atlanta wins, 27-20.

Oakland @ Buffalo (-9)

For now, it looks like Lane Kiffin's job as Raiders head coach is still intact, but with Al Davis calling the shots in Oakland, that could change, depending on which side of the coffin Davis wakes up on tomorrow. Kiffin and Davis have feuded since January, when the two had a personnel disagreement that led to Davis asking Kiffin to sign a letter of resignation.

"A letter of resignation, huh?" says Kiffin. "With Al, that's called a 'contract.' Anyway, when's the last time Al's made a sound personnel decision? Probably not since 1972, maybe. Heck, talk about dumb decisions. Al's the one that got Warren Sapp on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Warren's bound to be the first dancer eliminated."

"The truth is, I would already be fired if Al could actually say the words 'You're fired.' In his catatonic state, with his synapses shooting blanks, Al can barely speak, much less return a franchise to glory. It's always an adventure going to Al's office. There's the signed copy of the Magna Carta, and his high school diploma etched in a stone tablet. Plus, there's this footage on Al's television,, similar to an INXS video, that runs on loop and apparently reminds Al of what he needs to do. In the video, someone holds up cue cards that read 'Manipulate,' 'Resuscitate,' 'Reanimate,' 'Defibrilate,' etc. Surreal is what it is, which is the only way I can describe coaching the Raiders."

The Bills are 2-0 after a moderately surprising win in Jacksonville, overcoming a 16-10 fourth-quarter deficit by scoring the final 10 points to register a 20-16 victory. Buffalo held the Jags to 98 yards on the ground, and the Bills boast the league's fifth-ranked defense.

"I know we shocked a lot of people with that win," says Dick Jauron. "But having a good defense gives you a shot at winning every time. Look at O.J. Simpson. I pity the poor guy. Now he's on trial for armed robbery. It's amazing that his search for the 'real killers' led him to a casino in Las Vegas, where the 'real killers' were hoarding O.J. memorabilia. Murderers and thieves?! Oh, the horror!"

Do you think the Bills will play eight-man fronts on defense and force JaMarcus Russell, who was a paltry 6-of-17 for 55 yards last week, to beat them with his arm? Russell would have a chance, if this was the "Pass" portion of a "Punt, Pass, and Kick" competition. But it's not. It's the Bills, in Buffalo, and it's obvious that Russell has missed a lot more reads than meals. This could very well be Kiffin's last game as coach. I guess congratulations are in order. Buffalo wins, 27-6.

Tampa Bay @ Chicago (-3)

Is the John Gruden/Jeff Garcia partnership on its last leg? After starting the Bucs season opener against the Saints, Garcia was benched as starter in favor of Brian Griese last week against the Falcons. And Griese has already been named starter this week in Chicago. Is this Gruden's manner of revenge for Garcia's cool reception to Gruden's attempts to lure Brett Favre to Tampa despite Garcia's solid and veteran presence?

"Gruden's a cold, calculating, evil son of a gun," says Garcia. "If this is the thanks I get for leading the Bucs to the playoffs last year, then color me unappreciated. Gruden obviously still have Favre on his mind, and he's obviously a little dejected. I think I heard him singing Dire Straits 'So Favre Away' the other day, and it looked like he teared up a bit. Obviously, there's friction between Gruden and myself, and obviously Gruden wants friction between Favre and himself."

Chicago's Lovie Smith is no stranger to quarterback controversy. Kyle Orton is the Bears starter and has been serviceable in that capacity so far.

"Kyle's like a mutual fund," says Smith. "Low risk, low return. On the other hand, Rex Grossman was like a volatile stock — high risk, high return. Either way, I wouldn't invest too much stock in us going to the Super Bowl."

Two solid defenses will dictate the pace in this one, with red zone successes at a premium. If you like field goals, this is the game for you. Chicago wins, 19-13.

Miami @ New England (-13)

With a steady performance in a 19-10 win over the Jets, Matt Cassel proved that, at least for the time being, the Patriots are okay without Tom Brady. Cassel was efficient if not spectacular as the Patriots won their 21st straight regular season win.

"You know," says Cassel, "it was disgusting to see those bastards revel in Tom Brady's injury? Have the 1972 Dolphins no shame? But I feel relatively comfortable running this offense. Offensive coordinator Josh McDaniel has trimmed the playbook, and I've been reminded often of that overused cliche used to guide quarterbacks in over their heads: 'You don't have to win the game; just don't lose it.'"

Let's face it, Cassel is no Brady. But heck, neither was Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch. Oliver briefly upset the chemistry of the family, but soon, after a typical Brady life-lesson, things were back to normal. Alice was cooking delicious meals, the kids were playing harmoniously, and Greg was sleeping with his mother. Just like Oliver, Cassel has been accepted as this team's leader, if for no other reason than the Patriots had no other choice.

Usually, when a man named Tony Sparano from Miami heads to the Northeast, it's with the express purpose of whacking someone, or jacking a truckload of smokes. So don't be surprised if Chad Pennington doesn't make the trip back from New England.

Cassel hits Moss for a long touchdown pass, and the Patriots win, 29-13.

Houston @ Tennessee (-4)

Obviously, hostile crowds don't affect Kerry Collins as they do Vince Young. With Young tending to a bum knee and a fragile psyche, Collins took the reins of the Titans offense and led them to a 24-7 win in Cincinnati.

"Let's qualify that statement a bit," says Jeff Fisher. "The Cincy crowd was booing all right, but they weren't booing Kerry. They were booing the home team. I thought Kerry handled the situation very well. Vince is still learning how to handle the negativity. Right now, he can't handle the boos. On the other hand, Kerry's proved once again that he can handle the booze."

Already with a strong defense and a solid running game, all the Titans need from Collins is a steady, mistake-free presence. And to keep the team informed of his whereabouts at all times. With LenDale White leading the inside rushing game, rookie Chris Johnson has emerged as a speedy alternative to White's power. Johnson impressed at last year's draft combine with the fastest 40-yard dash time, a 4.24, and also excelled in the 20-yard shuttle and the five-knuckle shuffle.

Tennessee wins 19-17 behind 124 combined yards from White and Johnson. Hours after the game, Young is found wandering aimlessly down the New Jersey Turnpike, where he is nailed by a flying beer can and taunted with the words "Think fast, Malcovich."

St. Louis @ Seattle (-9½)

Remember the days when a St. Louis/Seattle contest went down, often with the NFC West title on the line, as well as bragging rights to the best 9-7 team in football? Yeah, I've tried to forget them, too. The rivalry is renewed as the two winless teams battle for inferiority in the West, with the Seahawks and their mounting injury list opening as heavy favorites. Matt Hasselbeck is ailing, and receivers Deion Branch and Bobby Engram out for the game. Even Qwest Field's renowned "12th Man" is down to 11.

"The injury bug has bitten us hard," says Mike Holgren. "So hard, that we've even had to sign perennial substance-abuser Koren Robinson to the squad as a last resort. I hope he realizes that he can't play with that helmet modified with two can holders and straw tubes."

In St. Louis, owner Chip Rosenbloom has demanded better play from the Rams, or coach Scott Linehan may be out of a job. Torry Holt, one of the few remaining members of the Super Bowl XXXIV champion Rams team, has rallied the team around Linehan, and each member of the squad will wear a commemorative helmet sticker with Linehan's initials.

"That's right," says Holt. "Scott's middle name, I believe, starts with an 'O,' so the stickers will read 'SOL.' Hopefully, that will fire this team up. We need wins, and some television exposure. I think the last time a St. Louis player was on national TV, it was me, and I was getting hammered on a crossing pattern by the Burger King. That seemed like ages ago. Now the King has taken to the streets, where he practices 'reverse pickpocketing,' in which he leaves Rams tickets in the pockets of unsuspecting pedestrians. It's sad to see the King's taken up a life of crime."

Seattle wins, 24-21.

Detroit @ San Francisco (-3½)

What's it going to take to get Matt Millen out of the front office in Detroit? Remember, this is the city of Detroit, so if you want to get rid of someone, you'd better have a good reason. Sometimes, being the worst front office executive in football is not enough. At other times, having sex with your chief of staff in office and then lying to cover it up won't even get you canned. Well, eventually it will, as Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick found out.

"Look, I would never have sex in my office with anyone," says Millen, "unless it was done to further my career. Unfortunately, it's the fans of this franchise who are getting screwed. As for Kilpatrick, the people of Detroit have no one to blame but themselves for that situation. I live by the old rule of thumb: Never elect a mayor named 'Kwame.'"

After throwing for 321 yards in San Francisco's 33-30 overtime win in Seattle, quarterback J.T. O'Sullivan has become somewhat of a cult hero in the Bay area, much like San Francisco icon Dirty Harry. No, not Clint Eastwood's famed cop Dirty Harry. Don't be silly. O'Sullivan shares a similar recognition factor with a 'Frisco homeless man known as 'Dirty Harry,' who claims he will 'work for food,' but would really rather 'drink for free' and won't 'bathe for anything.'"

"Hey, the homeless Dirty Harry is a man I don't mind being compared to," says O'Sullivan. "Why, the other day, I saw him pick up an old cigarette butt. That makes him more of a contributing member to the city of San Francisco than Alex Smith."

The 49ers race out to a 6-0 lead, but Jon Kitna leads the Detroit comeback with three touchdown passes, two for his own team. The Lions win, 24-22.

New Orleans @ Denver (-4½)

After suffering a tough 29-24 loss to the Redskins, the Saints head to Denver, where the thin air makes breathing difficult, and in some cases, makes obvious fumbles look like incompletions. And that thin air can sometimes make whistles blow inadvertently.

"Everybody's saying Mike Shanahan made such a gutsy call going for two at the end," says Drew Brees. "Gutsy call, my rear end. That's was the call of a true coward. After the officials gift-wrapped a Denver touchdown, Shanahan should have done the manly thing and had Cutler take a knee on the conversion attempt. That would have rightly given the Chargers the win. In the end, the Chargers got 'Shanahan-jobbed.'"

This Chargers-Denver situation demands a rule change, and here's my suggestion: For the remainder of the year, anytime Shanahan complains about a call that doesn't go Denver's way, he should be flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct.

The Saints arrive in Denver knowing the deck is stacked against them. It doesn't look any better when the Broncos introduce their honorary guests for Sunday's game — the officiating crew from the 1972 Munich Olympics Men's gold medal basketball game.

"We're screwed," says Reggie Bush.

On the opening play from scrimmage, Cutler sees the snap from center sail over his head and through the back of the end zone. In Denver, that's a touchdown for the Broncos. Denver doesn't look back and wins, 34-27.

Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia (-3)

Was the Eagles' final possession in Dallas one of the worst in NFL history? On their final four plays, they had two sacks, an incompletion, and the worst "hook and ladder" play in recent memory. Not the execution, but calling a hook and ladder on 4th-and-17? The Eagles should have known you can't pull that off without Nat Moore and Tony Nathan. Of course, it wasn't the greatest display of "smart" plays by the Eagles on Monday. In addition to the doomed "hook and ladder," rookie wide receiver DeSean Jackson, just a few feet from completing a 60-yard touchdown catch, celebrated before he crossed the goal line. Somehow, Philly was awarded the ball at the one-yard line, and Brian Westbrook scored from there, as, once again, a Westbrook play sent fantasy owners' heads spinning.

"DeSean obviously wants to be the Leon Lett of our generation," says Donovan McNabb. "It's too bad he didn't score, but I think everyone got a good look at the speed he possesses. He's the fastest guy on the team in the 98-meter dash. And he can dunk a 9½-foot goal. I hope he realizes that, when playing the Steelers, you better make sure you cross the goal line when you get there, because there probably won't be many other chances."

That's right. I don't think the Eagles can count on scoring 37 points against the Steelers. Of course, I don't think the Eagles have to worry about the Steelers scoring 41 points on them.

For the Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger expects to start, despite a shoulder injury, which may be simply a sprain, or possibly separated.

"The shoulder's fine," says Roethlisberger. "Like most of my injuries, it didn't even happen in a football game. I was goofing around with some friends, notably former Steeler quarterback Brian St. Pierre, known in the octagon as 'BSP,' and he caught me in an arm bar. I tapped out, but the damage was done."

Two blitz-happy defensive coordinators, Dick Labeau and Jim Johnson, will try to create havoc in the pocket for the opposing quarterback. McNabb and Roethlisberger are likely to take some hits, but the key for each quarterback is to avoid the rush and make plays on the run, a task at which both are skilled. It will be tight, but the Steelers pull out a 24-23 win.

Cleveland @ Baltimore (-2½)

Who would've thought after two weeks, the Browns would be winless with two home losses, and the Ravens would be sporting an undefeated record? Sure, the Ravens are only 1-0, but rookie quarterback Joe Flacco and rookie head coach John Harbaugh have brought optimism back to Ravens football.

"With Hurrican Ike postponing our last game," says Flacco, the Ravens first-round draft pick from the University of Delaware Blue Hens, "we've had two solid weeks to prepare for the Browns defense, which is about 12 days too many. With all that down time, I've had time to hobnob with my fan clubs. There's my fan club for females, the 'Blue Ho's,' and my fan club for boys, the 'Flacco-lytes,' which I'm happy to say has no religious affiliation and therefore no 'illegal touching' penalties."

The Browns have struggled on offense, scoring only 16 points in two games. A trendy pick to win the AFC North, the Browns cannot afford an 0-3 overall hole, and 0-2 division hole, especially after two home losses. Quarterback Derek Anderson needs more consistency from his receivers, particularly Braylon Edwards, who has had several drops already this year.

"Hey, what do Braylon Edwards and New Year's Eve have in common?" asks Anderson. "With each, there will be balls dropping."

It's do-or-die time for the Browns, and they finally click offensively. Anderson throws for a score, and Jamal Lewis adds a short touchdown run. Cleveland wins, 20-17.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-6)

Never in Jack Del Rio's worst nightmares did he envision that the Jaguars would start the season 0-2, and have to face the Colts in Indianapolis with an 0-3 start to the season staring the Jaguars in the face.

"And I've had some pretty bad nightmares," says Del Rio. "Most involving Byron Leftwich in a Jacksonville uniform, or me purchasing tickets from Mike Tice. But seriously, we know this is a big game. How often has it been said that the loser of the Jags/Colts game will be in last place in the AFC South? Never. Well, that's what's on the line. I'm sure the Colts don't want to lose their first two games in Lucas Oil Stadium. It certainly is a nice facility. Those luxury suites are fit for a king. Or queen. But probably not a 'Jack.' Call me old fashioned, but I don't see the need for a bidet in a luxury suite. That's just overkill."

"We realize the importance of this game," says Peyton Manning. "Our fans are used to blazing starts, like 7-0, 8-0, what have you. If we go 1-2, I can easily visualize a pandemic of one of the most feared afflictions in football, 'DFS,' 'Disgraced Fan Syndrome.' It's already destroying some cities, like St. Louis, Detroit, and Miami. We've got to keep that out of Indianapolis."

Manning's been surviving behind a makeshift offensive line, and escaping oncoming rushes on a gimpy knee. He'll likely have to do that against the Jags, but Manning's got pocket savvy, and he'll confuse the Jacksonville defense at the line of scrimmage by pointing at every defender and mumbling something that makes them believe he knows exactly what they're going to do. It's a tight game throughout, but Manning leads the Colts on a fourth-quarter drive that culminates with an Adam Vinatieri field goal. Indianapolis wins, 21-19.

Dallas @ Green Bay (+3)

With two wins under his belt as a starter, Aaron Rodgers is quickly making Packers fans forget the name "Brett Favre," or at least those with short memories. With his flawless play, Rodgers has earned the respect of his teammates, and on Sunday night, he'll take the national stage against "America's Team," a platform from which he can cement the notion that the Packers made the right choice to let Favre drift away.

"Aaron's made himself a leader and a locker room presence with simple determination and hard work," says veteran wide receiver Donald Driver. "He's always there with words of encouragement or friendly advice, although I'm about sick and tired of hearing him say 'Won't you be my neighbor?' But I can look past that if he continues to play well. He's a level-headed guy, and has a consistent demeanor, whether he's dressed in his Packers uniform, or whether he's changed into his cardigan sweater and sneakers."

The Cowboys offense is smoking-hot after a 41-point outburst against the Eagles. Tony Romo tossed 3 touchdown scores, and Dallas backed up Jessica Simpson's proclamation that the 'Boys would beat the Eagles. And she's at it again. Sketchy reports indicate that Simpson has predicted a Cowboys win, although it was later revealed that a paparazzi cameraman, filming at a Dallas restaurant, recorded Simpson telling Romo to slice her a piece of cheddar. Gossip sites ran haphazardly with the story, with one posting the headline 'Simpson Says Romo Will Cut Cheese.' But that was nothing compared to the egregious headline on another gossip site that read 'Romo Has Tossed Salad,' a headline that, while factually correct about Romo's dinner choice, implied that Romo had, in his past, engaged in behavior unbecoming of a strong, virile, NFL quarterback.

"Here's hoping T.O. didn't read that headline," says Romo. "I think our relationship would suffer."

Packers win, 31-30.

NY Jets @ San Diego (-9)

With two consecutive losses coming on the game's final play, you can best believe the Chargers are angry, and will take out all of their frustration on the Jets. While San Diego lost fairly and squarely to the Panthers in Week 1, last Sunday's 39-38 loss in Denver came as a direct result of a mistake by referee Ed Hochuli, who blew his whistle on a play in which Jay Cutler had clearly fumbled. Hochuli's inadvertent whistle blew the play dead, nullifying a San Diego recovery.

"This is unforgivable," says Norv Turner. "When Hochuli said he 'blew it,' I guess he did so on both accounts. Hochuli was feeding me so much 'bull,' I thought I was gonna have to call in the rodeo clowns. Apparently, one of the items on Hochuli's checklist of 'Things to Do in Denver When You're Ed' is make one of the biggest blunders in NFL officiating history. You'd think with those 24-inch pythons, Hochuli would have the strength to take the whistle out of his mouth."

Turner's now got a newfound hatred for whistles, and whistling in general. Just the other day, he was relaxing in his recliner after a long day of game-planning, ready to enjoy an episode of The Andy Griffith Show. Turner put a fist through the television screen not long after the theme song began.

The Chargers are hopping mad. But don't get mad, Chargers, get even. Of course, to do that, you'd have to win two games, thus evening your record to 2-2. This is a game they must win. And I'm guessing the officiating will by slightly skewed in their favor. San Diego wins, 23-20.