NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Pt. 2)

Also see: NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 1 (Pt. 1)

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

St. Louis @ Philadelphia (-7½)

When two talented quarterbacks like Donovan McNabb of the Eagles and Marc Bulger of the Rams face-off as leaders of their respective teams, something's got to give, most notably McNabb's stomach or Bulger's rib cage. The two oft-injured signal-callers hope to return from last year's season-ending injuries and lead their squads. The Eagles were the lone NFC East team left out of the playoffs last year, and like cocaine on the tongue of an Andy Reid offspring, that's left a bitter taste in their mouths. But things are looking good in Philly for a return to playoff prominence. Donovan McNabb is healthy, and if the Eagles can get a full season from their starting quarterback, Philly could stun the NFC. Already, several experts have tabbed the Eagles to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.

"We're wary of preseason prognosticators who are picking us to go to the Super Bowl," says McNabb. "If you'll recall, last year, CBS' Shannon Sharpe picked the Rams to make the Super Bowl. Not many analysts agreed with him, but for an orange pinstripe suit-wearing, barely literate studio guy, it was an understandable pick. Pimpin' ain't easy, and neither is picking the Super Bowl."

The Eagles, led by 195 total yards and two scores from Bryan Westbrook, manhandle the Rams and quarterback Marc Bulger, 33-16. A dejected Bulger suffers the cruelty of inebriated Eagles fans on his way out of Lincoln Financial Field, most notably from two-bit Philly mafia wannabes Vinnie and Joey, who, dressed as ESPN talk personality Jim Rome, mercilessly taunt Bulger by calling him "Chris Evert."

Jacksonville @ Tennessee (+3)

After finishing second to the Colts again last year in the AFC South, the Jaguars have a division title in their crosshairs, with designs on usurping Indy's stronghold on the division. To assist in that endeavor, Jacksonville drafted with their defensive line in mind, picking defensive ends Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves, players with the strength to flush Peyton Manning from the pocket, and the speed to chase down the likes of Vince Young.

"Yes, the Jags have certainly retooled that defensive line," says Jeff Fisher. "Is it an eminence front? I don't think so. It's a put on."

When he's not trying to quote Who lyrics, Tennessee's Fisher is one of the NFL's master strategists, able to devise game plans that gives the Titans a shot to win nearly every game. Fisher is well-known for the NFL version of legendary North Carolina coach Dean Smith's "Four Corners," in which the Titans' offense, like the Tar Heels', doesn't even try to score, and instead waits patiently for an opponent's mistake that will lead to one of Rob Bironas' seven or eight field goals.

"Don't knock my man Bironas," says Fisher. "He's got more hip action than Shakira. And three points is three points. Three points can win you a game. And in some cases, three points can double, even triple one's Wonderlic score."

In what is probably the AFC's toughest division top to bottom, the importance of division games is magnified. This will be a dogfight, and ESPN's Tom Jackson will be yelling "He got jacked up!" on numerous occasions. The Titans defense forces three turnovers, and Bironas boots four field goals. Tennessee wins, 19-16.

Houston @ Pittsburgh (-6½)

While it may be hard for the Steelers to get pumped for a visit from a Houston team that doesn't feature Bum Phillips and Dan Pastorini, Mike Tomlin and crew know the importance of opening the season with a win, especially at home against an underdog opponent. So don't expect a lackluster performance from Pittsburgh, a team eager to defend their AFC North crown and return to the playoffs.

"We won't take anyone lightly," says Tomlin, who failed in his bid to convince the NFL to award one point for failed two-point conversions. "Whether it's Phillips and Pastorini, Clyde Drexler and Guy V. Lewis, or Nolan Ryan and Bill Virdon, we'll have to play our best, because you can never underestimate Houston, especially with Dom Capers and David Carr in the mix."

Just a correction, Mike. It's Matt Schaub and Gary Kubiak in Houston now.

"Well, then my apologies to Carr and Capers, God rest their souls."

Tomlin learned some hard lessons last year. One, when holding a one-point lead late in a playoff game, don't have Ben Roethlisberger run the option then fall down on third down when a first down would have secured the victory. Two, Dr. House is always right. Steelers win, 30-13.

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans (-3)

The last two NFC South champions meet in the Superdome for an early jump on the rest of the division, giving the winner the inside track to a surefire playoff loss to an NFC East team come January. The Bucs made a run to bring Brett Favre to Tampa, a ploy which raised the hackles of incumbent quarterback Jeff Garcia, who bristled at the thought of deferring to Favre.

"Answer me this," says Garcia, whose stream of consciousness ramblings on his ham radio show Mind of Garcia have made him a underground radio cult hero. "Shouldn't John Gruden throw all of his support to the quarterback who took his team to the playoffs last year despite the absence of any decent receiver under 35 years of age? And answer me this. When they erect the statue of Favre at Lambeau Filed in the near future, will Gruden kiss the front, or the back?"

Hey, why not both? And, while singing "Round, round, reach-around, I reach-around."

"I love the Beach Boys."

In the Big Easy, Drew Brees knows he's the man, and Reggie Bush is out to prove, once again, that his stats can live up to his number one pick status.

"Hey, don't you go using the words 'Reggie Bush' and 'big bust' in the same sentence," Brees admonishes.

"Unless you're talking about Kim Kardashian," corrects Bush.

The addition of Jeremy Shockey may be just what this team needs to make another deep playoff run. Shockey could very well be the next Kyle Turley in New Orleans. Yeah, I know Shockey isn't on the offensive line, but he's most likely to rip an opponent's helmet off and send it airborne. New Orleans wins, 24-20.

Dallas @ Cleveland (+5½)

On the field, you can expect Tony Romo and Terrell Owens to represent one of the NFL's most prolific quarterback/wide receiver duo. Off the field, you can expect to see Romo, with baseball cap on backwards, squiring around girlfriend Jessica Simpson, while a proud and grateful Owens blusters tearfully, through dark sunglasses, "That's my quarterback ... sniff."

"I've never had a relationship with a quarterback quite like this," says Owens. "We get along so well. If I didn't spend 95% of my time reinforcing my insecurities with acts of ultimate manhood, like wearing form-fitting workout gear three sizes too small, I'd ask the guy to marry me."

Dallas is a big favorite in the NFC this year. Of course, that was the case last year when the playoffs started. With the "Big Three in the Big D," Romo, Owens, and Marion Barber III, the Cowboy offense is potent. And Adam Jones gives Dallas a playmaking threat on defense and on special teams. Jones is making a fresh start in Dallas, after Roger Goodell recently reinstated him, which brings Jones' number to 175. That number being the times he's heard the words "You're free to go."

It's a battle of roly-poly head coaches, as Wade Phillips leads the confident Cowboys into Romeo Crenel's Dawg Pound. Jamal Lewis weebles, Derek Anderson wobbles, and the Browns fall down. Dallas wins, 34-27.

Arizona @ San Francisco (+2½)

Quarterback battles took center stage in the Cardinals and 49ers camps this summer. In Arizona, the usual Kurt Warner/Matt Leinart, "Heaven and Hell" competition taking place, with Warner and the forces of good taking on Leinart and the forces of naughty. In late August, Warner was named the starting quarterback, and announcement that was followed by harp music and singing angels. Warner thanked God, while Leinart took the disappointment well, and while he himself didn't personally thank God, he later had several young lovelies shouting his holiness' name in appreciation.

"Unlike most quarterbacks in this league," says Leinart, "I've got something to fall back on in case quarterbacking doesn't work out. It's called a 'waterbed.'"

In San Francisco, a three-way battle for the quarterback spot ended with J.T. O'Sullivan getting the nod from coach Mike Nolan, in year 1 B.F. of his 49er tenure (that 'B.F.' stands for 'Before Firing'). O'Sullivan beat out Alex Smith, Sean White, and several walk-ons for the job, then had the luxury of choosing to celebrate in one of the 24 Irish pubs bearing his name in the 'Frisco area.

"Actually, I'll be celebrating with fellow Californian Matt Leinart," says O'Sullivan. "He's got a cooler and a hot tub, both fully stocked. There, you'll really see me get my Irish up."

Warner tosses an early score to Larry Fitzgerald, then later hooks up with Anquan Boldin, who's already got his bags packed to leave at year's end. For now, he's happy. Arizona wins, 26-24.

Carolina @ San Diego (-9)

After falling just short in last year's AFC title game, the Chargers enter 2008 with a singular goal — hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy. Or at least one they can call their own. In short, they've got great expectations.

"Great expectations are fine by me," says Philip Rivers. "In fact, I was conceived while my parents listened to Kiss' "Great Expectations," and while my mother read Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. I emerged from mommy's womb with a voracious appetite to read, and a uncanny desire to wear makeup. My football-coaching daddy quickly intervened, and transitioned my feminine tendencies to the game of football, where I became a quick study with a playbook and a compulsive wearer of eye-black. And that's what got me where I am today."

In Charlotte, North Carolina, a city devastated by Ric Flair's retirement from the squared circle, hope was restored with the news of a healthy Jake Delhomme, who missed most of last season with an elbow injury. Delhomme emerged from successful Tommy John surgery with renewed hopes of a big season, as well as the ability to throw a looping, 54 mph fastball that tails away from left-handers. Delhomme and the Panthers will start the season without Steve Smith, who was suspended two games for punching teammate Ken Lucas.

"We'll surely miss Steve," says Delhomme. "But fans watching our games in Charlotte-area bars won't. In honor of Steve's suspension, and until he returns to the field, local bars are offering a special $1 highball. It's called the 'Cheap Shot.'"

You've got to admire the toughness of some of the Chargers. Rivers played in last year's AFC title game with a surgically repaired knee. Shawne Merriman has been diagnosed with two torn knee ligaments, yet still intends to play this year. And LaDainian Tomlinson, well, he still feels a little wimpy. And he still hates the Patriots. But he's one heck of a running back.

L.T. rushes for two scores as Smith watches helplessly from the sidelines, with visions of Woody Hayes dancing in his head. Chargers win, 27-20.

Chicago @ Indianapolis (-9½)

Recovering from an infected bursa sac, Peyton Manning has chosen to stay far from the public eye and rehabilitate, while avoiding the media and their questions about "recovery timetables," "consecutive games started streaks," and "whether 'bursa' is another name for 'scrotal.'" That's doesn't mean he's neglected his duty as sports' hardest-working pitchman, as already this year, we've witnessed him carry brother Eli through another advertisement, as well as hawk HD television side-by-side with The Chicken.

More impressive, and a testament to the selling ability of anything connected to Peyton Manning's name, the "Bursa Sac" has become a widely popular handbag choice amoung fashion-conscious consumers, second only to the Gucci bag.

In Chicago, Kyle Orton was named starter in mid-August, resulting in the benching of Rex Grossman oh, about three years too late. But, the process of "Rex-ual Healing" has begun, so let's thank Lovie tonight. Wake up, wake up, wake up. 'Cause he did it right.

"That's something that's good for me," says Orton.

As usual, the Colts are Super Bowl-capable. You know Manning will make it through the year, but what of Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders? The Colts need to clinch the division by late October so these two can have time to heal before the playoffs. But that's way down the road. Orton might be the only Bear quarterback who can make Grossman feel good about his own play. Indy wins, 24-16.

Minnesota @ Green Bay (- 2½)

Can it be any tougher for Aaron Rodgers? Already, he's following one of the greatest sports icons of all time, Brett Favre, as quarterback of the Packers. On top of that, team officials are making a big deal of the situation on opening day, calling it "The Aaron Rodgers Coming Out Party." And they want Rodgers to emerge from the tunnel at Lambeau by busting through a paper closet door, adorned with the Packer logo. And they want him to take a ceremonial first snap from Richard Simmons. And that's saying nothing of the rainbow-colored ribbons each and every fan will be wearing to commemorate the occasion.

"Sure, it's a big deal," says Packers head coach Mike McCarthy. "We want Aaron up to the task. We don't want him to feel like he's following just any old quarterback, but we do want Brett Favre to feel that way. And the pressure's on me, too. I don't want to be known as the coach who refused to allow Favre to come back, just one year after the Packers fell one game short of the Super Bowl, even though, currently, I am known as that coach."

Minnesota intends to contend for the NFC North crown, and Green Bay looks to be their major competition. Head coach Brad Childress has challenged the team to create a motto that describes the team, a team wanting the focus on their play, and not on sex boat fiascos, or week 17 chokes to miss the playoffs, or simulated moonings of Packer fans.

"When people say this new motto," says Childress, holding the shiny Minnesota headgear adorned with the familiar logo, "I want them to think of what this Minnesota organization represents."

"I've got it!" says Adrian Peterson. "Our motto is 'We so horny!' See, the horns."

That's a knee-slapper, Adrian. Careful though, you might tear a ligament.

Who gets a leg up in the NFC North? I can hear McCarthy right now telling Rodgers, "We don't want you to be Brett Favre. We want you to be yourself." Well, Mike, why wouldn't you want Rodgers to be Brett Favre? Anyway, the Pack won't ask much of Rodgers; their defense will carry them. Green Bay wins a low-scoring affair, 18-14.

Denver @ Oakland (+3)

When we last checked in with the Raiders, Al Davis was further shortening Lane Kiffin's leash, as Davis continued to operate under the delirious notion that he can return the Raiders to the glory days of old. Was it Davis who thought Randy Moss was washed up, and was it Davis who agreed to trade Moss for a fifth-round pick last year? It's no secret that Davis' veins course with the colors of Raider black and silver, a statement which is, in fact, true and not hyperbole, because I believe that black and silver are the colors of formaldehyde.

"It's become increasingly difficult for Al to perform the day-to-day tasks of an over-involved owner," says Kiffin. "But talk about persistent. It takes two assistants, some strings and pulleys, some dark shades, and a series of wacky misunderstandings, but Al always gets the job done. It's like Weekend at Bernie's, except that Al looks a lot more dead than Bernie."

Much of Denver's success this year will be riding on the play of quarterback Jay Cutler, one of the NFL's best young QB's. In the storied history of Bronco quarterbacks, Cutler falls somewhere between two-time Super Bowl champ John Elway and recent signal-caller Jake Plummer.

"Does that mean I'll eventually have a Super Bowl ring on my middle finger?" asks Cutler excitedly.

2007 overall first pick JaMarcus Russell will start for the Raiders, and fans in the Black Hole are anxious to see Russell unleash one of his vaunted 70-yard bombs. He doesn't disappoint, slinging a first-quarter pass that travels 71 yards, 8½ inches, a good 20 yards past the outstretched arms of receiver Ronald Curry. Russell later finds his accuracy, and hits Curry for a score, and rookie Darren McFadden scores his first NFL touchdown. Raiders win, 24-21.