Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Washington @ NY Giants (-3½)
The Giants start the season like they ended it: facing an undefeated three-time Super Bowl champion. That's right: the 'Skins have won three titles, and, at 0-0, they boast an undefeated season record, along with 31 other teams. Those three Super Bowl teams were coached by Joe Gibbs, who retired to devote himself fully to his NASCAR racing teams. In his place is new head coach Jim Zorn, former Seattle Seahawks quarterback, who still sports one of the game's most luxurious heads of hair.
"I don't plan to stray to far from the Gibbs' philosophy," says Zorn. "An opportunistic defense, solid special teams, an offense unafraid to take shots downfield, and magnets strategically placed in order to gain some type of illegal advantage. This is the NFC East; nothing will come easy. We may well be the least talented team in the division. But talent isn't everything. I made a name for myself more so with hard work than talent. You can read all about it in my biography, Hardcore Zornography, in which I discuss, among other things, the frustration of toiling at low-level coaching jobs while Steve Largent was gaining notoriety with the likes of the Love Boat Gopher's and Dukes of Hazzard Cooter's of the world in the political arena. Now it's my turn to shine."
For the opening coin toss, Eli Manning and his fellow Giant captains are somewhat alarmed to learn that the honorary coin tosser is none other than the cold-blooded Anton Chigurh, the heartless assassin of No Country For Old Men fame.
"Call it, friend-o," Chigurh says in the direction of Manning, giving the Giant quarterback an icy stare.
"No, I ain't gonna call it," says Manning. "That coin don't have no say. It's just you."
Manning then slinks away and hides behind Justin Tuck, as Chigurh removes his silly wig and reveals himself to be acclaimed Academy Award-winning actor Javier Bardem.
"Chill out, Eli," says Bardem. "I'm like Jeremy Shockey. I just played a badass."
Bardem then unveils a pneumatic cattle gun, intent on taking out referee Ed Hochuli, whom Bardem, back in Chigurh-mode, has mistaken for Tommy Lee Jones. Hochuli takes a shot to the head, and, unfazed, flags Bardem/Chigurh for a "Spanish Imposition," punishable by ejection via a headlock in Hochuli's massive arms.
If the G-Men are to defend their Super Bowl title, they'll have to do so without Osi Umenyiora, out for the season with torn knee ligaments, and Michael Strahan, who, unlike on his record-setting sack of 2001, didn't follow Brett Favre's lead and remained retired. But that's okay. New York did it last year without Tiki Barber and Shockey, for the most part. Now, if Manning and Plaxico Burress go down, the Giants are in trouble.
Manning throws for two scores as the Giants jump out to an early 14-0 lead and win, 27-20.
Detroit @ Atlanta (+3)
Much has changed in Atlanta. Michael Turner, LaDainian Tomlinson's backup in San Diego, is the Falcons' prized free agent acquisition. Perennially disgruntled cornerback DeAngelo Hall is in Oakland, a safe distance from Steve Smith. And gone is Bobby Petrino, known as "The Quitter," who fled Atlanta like Scarlet O'Hara. In his place is former Jacksonville linebackers coach Mike Smith, dubbed "The Quitter Picker-Upper," who has vowed to turn the franchise around. The Falcons started by signing their quarterback of the future, Matt Ryan, to a huge contract, which included over $34 million guaranteed.
"That's a hefty sum to pay a Falcon quarterback not involved in dogfighting," says Smith. "$34 million can easily buy one shady friends and poor decisions, but it won't get you anywhere against an airtight federal case. Matt's a hard-working guy and we're happy to have him here. That's the circle of life. I don't want to say we've all benefitted from Michael Vick's misfortune, but if not for Vick, I wouldn't be here, Matt wouldn't be here, and officials at Leavenworth wouldn't be getting their dishes washed for 12 cents an hour. So we all win."
While Vick may be underpaid for his services, Detroit general manger Matt Millen is certainly among, if not at the top of, the ranks of the overpaid. Why Millen continues to keep his job is inexplicable, if not criminal. Longtime Lions supporters are nearly fed-up, with many calling for Millen's head.
"I got two words for Millen," says Thomas Magnum, private investigator, well-known as a Tigers fan, but also an avid Lions supporter. "You suck. And, I've got four words for Millen: long walk, short pier. Higgins and T.C. agree with me. Get lost Millen. Obviously, the Ford's don't know what they're doing. They're running Ford Motor Company into the ground, as well as the Detroit Lions."
Millen knows he faces an ultimatum — either put up, or keep your job. It's a nice opener for the Lions, against arguably the NFC's worst team. Jon Kitna throws for 280 yards and 3 scores, two to Roy Williams and one to Calvin Johnson, and Kitna makes good on his guarantee of one win, a guarantee he boldly ups to two after the game.
Detroit wins, 30-13.
Seattle @ Buffalo (-1)
It's always difficult to start the season on the road, with a cross-country flight staring you in the face, and a coach, Mike Holgren, still stinging from last year's 42-14 blowout loss to Green Bay. Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, ever the brunt of Holgren's ire, dreads transcontinental flights with a gruff head coach nearly as much as he dreads winning an overtime coin toss, predicting a win, then throwing a game-losing interception soon after.
"There's nothing I hate more than a flight with Al Harris as a passenger," says Hasselbeck. "Well, except for a flight co-piloted by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. But seriously, Coach hasn't been happy since he won the Super Bowl with the Packers. That was a great day for Coach, but with each successive failure to win another championship, the whispers get louder and louder. Those whispers voice the belief that Holmgren is the Mike Shanahan of the NFC. You know, the coach who can't win the big one without riding the coattails of a Hall of Fame quarterback. Shanny brown-nosed his way to two titles with John Elway. Holmgren saddled up Brett Favre for his."
The Bills hope to improve on last year's 8-8 record, and if they can reach 10-6, then they just might be hosting an NFL playoff game come January instead of an NHL regular-season game. If that happens, head coach Dick Jauron might just be able to muster his first smile since the two-minute mark of last year's Dallas game. To do so, the Bills will have to ride the broad shoulders of talented running back Marshawn Lynch.
"Last year was just a preview of what Marshawn could do," says Jauron. "This year will be his coming out party. We think he can be a 30-carry back for us. I don't doubt that he can carry that load. I just hope he understands that to do that, he's got to learn to pace himself, and conserve his legs for those cold December days when we'll need him to grind out yards. You know, the kid doesn't know when to stop. That won't serve him well on the field, and it hasn't served him well on the highway."
Buffalo edges Seattle, 23-21.
NY Jets @ Miami (+3)
When Brett Favre announced his retirement in March through watery eyes and crossed fingers, few, if any, thought the iconic Green Bay Packer would find himself in a Jets uniform come July. Well, it happened, and Favre perpetrated possibly the biggest swerve since Hulk Hogan joined the N.W.O. some time back. To Jets fans, it was sweet, just too sweet, in fact.
Favre is set to take on a new city, a new conference, the high expectations of one of the NFL's most rabid fan bases, and a New York media than can be imminently tougher than a pair of Wrangler jeans.
"I can handle the New York media," says Favre. "You know me. I've never shied away from criticism. That is, unless it comes from the Green Bay front office. Then I'm on the first plane out of there. I will say this — nothing a reporter says will change the way I play, or feel about myself. However, the minute Hank Steinbrenner calls me out, I'll be on him like Billy on Reggie."
And, speaking of people who can't stay retired, Bill Parcells is now fat and happy as general manager of the Dolphins, and promptly trimmed the fat in Miami, releasing woozy quarterback Trent Green and aging linebacker Zach Thomas, then running off the Dolpinins' best player, Jason Taylor. Cam Cameron was wacked, and Parcells hired Tony Sparano. Word has it that running back Ricky Williams, on the wagon and out of his curtained, bubble-windowed 1979 van, is in great shape.
"That means I, I mean we've, got a running back decision to hash out," says Parcells. "Ronnie Brown may still be a starter, but I like what I see from Ricky. He's been working out feverishly, and although his playbook is bound in hemp and the license plate on his scooter reads 'BURN 1,' I still think he's put his marijuana troubles behind him."
Excitement is high in Miami on Sunday. So high, in fact, that 65,000 fans who stand during Favre's introduction are ejected from the stadium under the stadium's rarely enforced fan behavior policy. Unfazed, Favre lights up the Dolphins for the few remaining fans, and the Jets impress with a 27-10 win.
Cincinnati @ Baltimore (+1)
Who dey, who dey, who dey think gonna beat them Bengals?
That's easy. Themselves. With the Bengals, it's either injuries, criminal mischief, or bickering amongst players. In other words, it's "Bones, Thugs and Disharmony," which, this year, places Cincy at a crossroads. They've got to find the defense to keep up with their offense, or this team is bordering on implosion.
Of course, when you talk about the Bengals, you have to talk about Chad Johnson. Hell, when Chad Johnson talks about the Bengals, he has to talk about Chad Johnson. Johnson spent much of last year whining, often to Carson Palmer; then Johnson spent most of the offseason bitching, moaning, shucking, jiving, sticking, moving, and demanding trades, among other diva-like behavior. He even legally had his last name changed to 'Ocho Cinco.' Johnson even boasted that he could out-swim eight-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps.
"Chad's a buffoon," says Bengals head coach, the perpetually flustered Marvin Lewis. "He couldn't whip cream with an outboard motor, much less beat Phelps with one. Doesn't he know, in Cincinnati, the breaststroke will get you charged with sexual harassment, not a gold medal. Here, 'freestyle' is a type of rap, not a swim stroke. In Cincinnati, the 'American crawl' is a mode of land transportation for a drunken Chris Henry, not a manner of slicing through water. Actually, Chad should change his last name to 'Mucho Ego.' I will say this for Chad. He's a much better interview than that gangly water-nerd Phelps."
In Baltimore, quarterback Steve McNair announced his retirement, choosing to walk away while he could still walk. Asked whether he would miss the game, the oft-injured McNair replied "questionable."
"I'll surely miss the Baltimore receiving corps," says McNair. "But I'll have those guys in mind when I'm short-hopping passes to my kids."
Six-foot-six rookie Joe Flacco, from the University of Delaware, gets the start for the Ravens, and quickly answers questions as to his preparedness in handling NFL defenses.
"I've seen better defenses in college," says Flacco. "And more alcoholics."
Flacco manages the game well, but the Bengals, behind their high-powered passing game, outgun the Ravens, 24-18.
Kansas City @ New England (-16½)
When we last checked, the Patriots had just blown an undefeated season, foiled by the relentless New York Giants, and the 1972 Miami Dolphins were toasting each other with champagne in what was probably a naked orgy at Garo Yepremian's grotto. This year, the goal is simple for the Pats: win the Super Bowl at all costs, even if that includes unauthorized filming of Jets coaches, Rams walk-throughs, or intriguing acts of intercourse between Verne Troyer and a normal-sized lady.
"Mini-Me and his lady friend learned a hard lesson," says Tom Brady. "Never let video footage fall into the wrong hands. Coach [Bill] Belichick has studied the Troyer sex tape , ironically, at great length, and, like he did with the Jets footage, he basically found nothing useful."
"You'd be surprised what the Patriot Film Library holds. We've got film of Senator Arlen Specter and commissioner Roger Goodell discussing Spygate in the study, Zeke Mowatt and reporter Lisa Olson debating missile defense in the billiard room, and Professor Plum getting down with Miss Scarlet in the conservatory."
All-World wide receiver Randy Moss expects the Pats to keep on truckin,' all the way to the Super Bowl. And he doesn't see a problem with the never-ending speculation of a Tom Brady/Giselle Bunchen wedding.
"I trust Tom to put this football team first," says Moss, who like Brady, also graced the cover of GQ, Gangsters Quarterbag, and is rumored to be planning nuptials with Naomi Campbell, although that's news to her. "If he wants to marry as supermodel, so be it. Unlike many unions between athletes and supermodels, I don't think there's any danger of a Tom and Gisele marriage ending in a nasty split, unless you're talking about their wedding night, whereas the 'nasty split' would refer to Giselle's favorite sexual position."
Brady, Moss, and Wes Welker lead the Patriots to a 38-10 lead to begin the fourth. The Chiefs, at coach Herman Edwards urging, play "to get the final margin of victory below 22 points." It's their first success of the day.
New England wins, 38-17.
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