Secrets of the 2008 NFL Season (Pt. 2)

Don't miss Secrets of the 2008 NFL Season, part one.

* In a sensual opening teaser for Monday Night Football's September 15th telecast of the Eagles/Cowboys game, Terrell Owens is met in the locker room by Miley Cyrus, clad only in a towel. As censors scramble and the bounds of good taste teeter, Cyrus does not drop towel, and instead hands T.O. a mouse ears hat, and the two are joined by the Jonas Brothers for a rousing edition of "Are You Ready For Some Football," the sound of which causes Hank Williams, Jr. to fall off a mountain.

* Former Bronco Javon Walker scores his first touchdown as a Raider on an 88-yard touchdown pass from JaMarcus Russell as Oakland hosts Denver in the second game of the season's opening Monday night doubleheader. An excited Walker, thrilled to score against his old team, leaps into the end zone stands of McAfee Coliseum, where he is subsequently beaten and robbed by crazed Raiders fans populating the Black Hole.

* New Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano makes an immediate impact in Miami, leading the Dolphins to a 2-0 start, and seizing control of the garbage-collection business in the city from the Cuban mafia. Things begin to unravel for Sparano and the Dolphins in Week 3, when the 'Fins are shellacked 31-14 by the Patriots in Foxboro, while back in Miami, a family of ducks vacates Sparano's backyard swimming pool.

* Panthers receiver Steve Smith, after serving his two-game suspension for punching teammate Ken Lucas, returns with a big game in Week 3 as the Panthers defeat the Buccaneers in Tampa 26-20. Smith has 8 catches for 121 yards and 2 touchdowns, and after the game grants rotund FOX sideline reporter Tony Siragussa an interview. In a startling miscommunication, Smith mistakes Siragussa's statement of "You look like Nelly," and instead hears "Get in my belly." The volatile Smith then grants Siragussa an ass-whipping, and the two tussle on the sidelines before being separated by FOX play-by-play man Joe Buck, who labels the incident as "disgusting."

* After tirelessly pleading his case to Chicago head coach Lovie Smith, Rex Grossman is named starter — of the Chicago Marathon on October 12th. When a race official hands the official starter's pistol to Grossman, the Bear quarterback fumbles the handoff, and the pistol fires prematurely, resulting in the trampling injuries of several skeletal Kenyan and Ethiopian runners. With all of the favorites to win out of the race due to injury, former Bear running back Cedric Benson, training for a comeback, leads the race at the midway point. But, near the 20-mile mark, Benson begins to run erratically, and is stopped by police for questioning. Benson becomes belligerent and is arrested, given a sobriety test, and charged with "Marathoning While Impaired."

* With the battle for the starting quarterback position neck-and-neck between Alex Smith, Sean Hill, and J.T. O'Sullivan, San Francisco head coach Mike Nolan faces a quandary in choosing a starter before the 49ers' opener on September 7th. So he does the only logical thing: he leaves the final decision in the hands of American Idol judges Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and Randy Jackson. Cowell assesses Smith as "dreadful, just awful," while Jackson agrees, dawg. A spaced-out Abdul mumbles the words "unicorn," "razor," "blue," and the letter "X," incoherent mumbo-jumbo when uttered by Abdul, but, when yelled by Peyton Manning at the line of scrimmage, results in an audible from a Reggie Wayne wide receiver screen to a Joseph Addai stretch play.

Eventually, Smith gets the judges' approval and is named starter but, in another example of his bad quarterbacking decisions, takes a flight to Hollywood instead of Glendale, Arizona for the 49ers' opener against the Cardinals.

* A remorseful Brandon Marshall of the Broncos tries to explain his recent troubles with the law in an in-depth interview with a local television sports anchor. Marshall plays the role of victim, claiming his actions were the result of a condition known as "Jungle Fever," named for an outbreak in Cincinnati in which sufferers are afflicted with an uncontrollable desire to commit crimes and play football. Marshall graciously accepts the three-game suspension dealt by commissioner Roger Goodell, and Marshall vows to remain trouble-free, which becomes a short-lived promise after Marshall is busted trying to join the "mile high club" with a team secretary underneath the Bronco statue at Invesco Field.

* In an effort to impress his new Jets teammates with a display of his toughness, and to show the Buccaneers what they're missing, Brett Favre bare-handedly rips his spleen from his gut, cooks it over an open flame, and prepares a delicious paste, suitable for dipping, that he calls "paté du 'Favre' gras," which goes well with injured pride.

Favre's new Jets No. 4 jersey easily becomes the NFL's No. 1 selling jersey, and quickly becomes a favorite in rap circles, especially among rappers like Jay-Z, Nas, and others who have claimed to have retired only to return to the game.

Meanwhile, back in Green Bay, the "Brett Favre 'Flip-Flop' Sandals" are a top-seller.

* Minnesota's Jared Allen adds a pass-rushing presence to Minnesota's already formidable run-stuffing defense, and leads the NFL with 14½ sacks, rendering opposing quarterbacks as helpless as a defenseless elk on a game preserve facing the hot lead of a 30.06 rifle. The Vikes lead the league in most defensive categories, and go 5-1 in the NFC North, winning the division with an 11-5 record. After a first-round bye, the Vikes lose at home to Philadelphia in the divisional round.

* With a healthy Jake Delhomme and a revitalized Julius Peppers, excitement runs high in Charlotte for a stellar season by the Carolina Panthers. But that excitement doesn't remotely compare to the buzz generated by reports of the Carolina cheerleaders 'Google-ing' themselves, and each other, on various laptops.

* In the second major player scandal to hit Atlanta in two years, running back Michael Turner is indicted for his involvement in a moonshine smuggling operation fronted by distant relatives residing in the Tidewater region of Virginia. Turner is implicated when he is filmed by federal agents selling white lightning to Marcus Vick, who in turn passes it to some underage schoolgirls. "Turner and Hooch" reads the headline in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, as Turner is pictured handcuffed in an orange jumpsuit.

* Saints running back Reggie Busch and girlfriend Kim Kardashian elope in Las Vegas in late August. The couple spend their wedding night in the Parlor Suite of the Wynn Las Vegas, and their marital escapades are surreptitiously filmed by former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, who posts the explicit video on the Internet under the title "Keeping it Up With the Kardashian."

Upon seeing the video and impressed by Kardashian's ability to change direction and low center of gravity, ESPN fantasy football maestro Matthew Berry, the "Talented Mr. Roto," bumps Kardashian up to No. 15 on his list of top fantasy running backs, two spots ahead of Bush.

* Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna, buoyed by lame duck general manager Matt Millen's presence with the organization, vows that he is "fairly certain" and "moderately sure" that he will guarantee that the Lions will win ten games. Of his guarantee, Kitna is "cautiously optimistic" that it will "somewhat reach fruition."

* Titans quarterback Vince Young inches closer to his degree in Applied Learning and Development/Youth and Community Studies (fancy college talk for a degree that qualifies one to become a physical education teacher) from the University of Texas with a C-minus in psychology. Young celebrates with adoring Austin coeds in a local bar, where Young goes shirtless, revealing two impressive pectorals, a rippled six-pack, and a score of three on a retake of the Wonderlic test.

Young leads the Titans to a disappointing 8-8 record, then edges kicker Rob Bironas for the team MVP award.

* Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin releases his new book, "Two-Point Conversion Charts For Dummies," which he dedicates to himself.

* Dallas cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones succeeds in efforts to drop the "Pacman" nickname from his name, fearing the nickname referenced his many troubles with the law in the last three to four years. Then, in October, Jones is involved in a minor dustup in which he showers one dollar bills down upon the wait staff at an Arlington, Texas, Waffle House, then tries to reclaim them, leading to a nasty brawl in which Jones is beaten, smothered, covered, chunked, and diced by several waitresses. Jones is charged with disturbing the peace and disorderly conduct, both violations of his parole, and is sent to jail for a little over a year, leading Cowboy teammate Marion Barber to coin the new nickname Adam "12-to-15" Jones.

* Recently diagnosed with diabetes, Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler learns to monitor the condition, harnessing untapped potential that leads to a breakout year on the field as well as off. Cutler throws for 4,105 yards and 26 touchdowns, and upgrades his status to become a major player in the field of romance, overtaking Matt Leinart as the league's premier playboy, while making the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" his unofficial theme song.

* In the midst of a training camp battle for the Cardinals starting quarterback spot, Matt Leinart is photographed cavorting in a hot tub with eight tan line-free hotties, as well as their mothers, at a party in Las Vegas. The pictures are splashed all over the Internet at the gossip web site TMZ.com, and a publicity storm ensues. Leinart's competition for the job, veteran Kurt Warner, feels that this publicity gives Leinart an unfair advantage in the quarterback race, so he files an injunction to have the pics removed from the web site. Lawyers are called in, deliberations take place, and a settlement is reached. The Leinart pictures remain, but TMZ is forced to display a picture of Warner showering at home alone.

* After Week 11, Cleveland's Braylon Edwards leads the NFL with 1,081 receiving yards and 9 touchdown catches, a level of success he partially credits to a brutal offseason physical and mental workout regimen with teammate and friend Kellen Winslow. But Edwards' season takes a turn for the worse when, after a no-catch game against the Bills under the Monday night lights on November 17th, Edwards snaps at reporters, thus beginning a pattern of odd behavior that sees him wearing fatigues and recklessly driving a racing motorcycle while seething with an intense hostility for Joey Porter.

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